12/24/08

CHANGE:

recently my mind has been so jumbled. any time i slow down to take a breath, i realize how much i have changed & how much things around me have changed. as difficult as the transition was coming home for christmas, it was so desperately needed. the first few days, i though i was going to go crazy of bordum, but i'm learning to take it slow. to collect my misconstrued thoughts & life once again. carfully leaving my heart open to learn. i will admit that after almost 22 years of life, i have unknowingly put up walls around my heart. mostly due to experiences, failures & pains. where i once loved freely, i have now skeptically loved. where there was once joy & contentment, i have found myself to be bitter & angry. slowly, and i do mean slowly, my heart is being reconciled. but that's life. there are so many things that i want to see changed in my life this upcoming year. not new years resolutions per se. where most make resoutions to quit smoking, lose 50 lbs or to do those things they've been meaning to do their whole life, i will make mine otherwise. life resolutions we shall call them:

to love freely
to laugh uninhibitedly
to dream largely

i am reminded of one of my favorite bands, Jacks Mannequin. "i need light in the dark as i search for the resolution." love that song. sometimes in life you have to give up everything in order to find what you are looking for. interesting that i said what i did on my post a few blogs ago. after i wrote that, i spoke with my father. long story, but my parents have been separated for a while now. it's been so incredibly difficult for me & my sis. unfortunately my untrusting attitude towards relationships is something i deal with on a daily basis due to different factors in my life. my parents are my heros in my life. i felt somewhat hopeless since the separation. afterall, if my heros couldn't succeed at this...how could i? God's doing amazing things in my life & my family. i'm not giving up hope. still praying for restoration. anyways, back to my original story, i spoke with my dad. i had practi ally been in bed for days battling depression (which is somewhat unusual for me). and dealing with some major anxiety issues. eww...anxiety. another long story about my life i haven't filled you in on. just being completely real here. my father proceeded to as me the same exact thing that i was questioning in that blog. he asked me if i was part of the problem or the solution. & it struck a chord in my heart. for the first time in my life i realized that this situation was entirely out of my hands. nothing i can do to fix or remedy. at times, life gets so shattered. finally...i have realized that the only thing left to do is pray. not really sure why i'm spilling this, but it's around the holiday time & this is somewhat how my thought process looked this holiday season. but dad's here. christmas will be enjoyable nonetheless.

♥

lost or gained?

i have lost in my lifetime about a handfull of best friends.

how on God's green earth did i manage to do that?

...i'm hocking it all up to this little word i like to call:

CHANGE.

i will learn to love & trust again as i always do.
despite the immense hurt that people have caused me in the past.
one thing is for certain. this upcoming year will be
better than the last.

it has to be.


i am now convinced that ATTITUDE is everything.

blogging

my computer charger bit the dust a few weeks ago so i don't have a computer right now. i've been writing but not on here. we'll have some catching up when i get my charger.


♥


oh...i got a guitar for christmas. acoustic. beautiful. yamaha.

i am so excited. i'm playing every day now. taking it to school with me definitely. hopefully it will suffice for my longings to play piano at school seeing as my keyboard is too large to take there. anyways...i'm teaching myself.

it really is the most gorgeous guitar i've ever seen. i'm not just saying that because it's mine. ok...maybe i am.

look for some stuff from me soon. i'm writing a lot...music. songs. and recording a little.

cheaply, but that's where it all begins.


photography is about to take off like a boom for me i believe.

things are coming. slowly, but surely.



.love.

i wish

i was less a part of the problem & more a part of the solution...


"one moment you're gliding along...



the next moment you're standing in the rain
watching your life fall apart." -hitch

i met this boy

recently.

his life is one that i have been thinking of since i spoke with him a few weeks ago. a philosophical unihibited boy. with freedom beyond what i have seen in one person in a while. i so respect that. i love meeting people who think like me. it doesn't happen often, so it's encouraging. i aspire to live my life with that kind of freedom & openness. to love. to breathe. to live.

anyways...we spoke for just a few minutes. it had been about 10+ years since i have spoken with him last. conversation struck up as i grabbed his arm & complemented him on his hair actually. i know...big surprise right? haha. i'm sorry...coming from me...something like that is not so unusual. i told you i try to live my life with freedom. i never want to miss an opportunity to meet someone, to see someone's heart. i'm a firm believer in saying the things you want to say. as to living life with no regret. but going back to our conversation, we spoke a while on some non important life issues. like whether my hair would possibly manage to mimic the amazingness that his hair did.

he was this incredibly gorgeous tall blue eyed boy. which you could barely tell behind the ruggedness that his appearance showed. a young boy. no more than a few years older than me. an amazing face hidden behind a thick beard & an entire head full of these breathtakingly free twists going every which direction. getting up close to his face & speaking with him, then i could see well who he was. the time passed quickly & our conversation ended. we smiled & parted ways. as this is often how my relationships end.

oddly enough not more than a few minutes later, i began a conversation with his mother. i told her that i had encouraged his audacious "look." to which she made it clear that she was disapproving of his appearance. maybe not that she was entirely disapproving of him, but just that it wasn't her preference. she told me a few stories assuring me that he was a deep thinker. of how philosophical he was. and that he simply made his appearance the way that it was so that he could see the condition of people's heart.

suddenly it was like a thunder boom from heaven. holy cow....that sounds like something i'd do. ok ok ok. i know what you're thinking.

maybe the attitude behind it all isn't right.
but the truth is, i was just happy to be speaking with someone who was a stubborn & bull headed as me. someone who needs to see something real. people who are real. people who love uninhibitedly.


well, if there's any consulation, i think the boy's brilliant.

for the record

baby it's cold outside

is my all time favorite christmas song.

Jesus

oh how i need Him right now.

i need Him always.

there are times when i feel so close.

and times when i feel so far.

you have no idea how much i feel alone.

even though i know i'm not.

the Lord gave me the word "restoration" a few years ago.

i'm still looking for it.

believing it.

i need restoration.


restoration:

-To bring back into existence or use; reestablish: restore law and order.
-To bring back to an original condition: restore a building. See synonyms at revive
-To put (someone) back in a former position: restore the emperor to the throne.
-To make restitution of; give back: restore the stolen funds


Jesus,

bring me back to life. restore my heart. open my eyes.
revive me. breathe into me. Your words. not mine.
Your life. not mine. Your eyes. not mine. Your hands. not mine.

♥

a few weeks ago i met a woman in publix. she had no money for thanksgiving dinner. well...she told me that. only Jesus knows the condition of her heart & well...He knows the condition of mine, so i helped her out. i got in the car. cried nonetheless. i have been given so much. i went home. cried. got in the shower. cried. fell on my face. cried out to God in the shower & told Him..."i only want to love like You. i don't care about anything else."

i don't know why i'm saying this. but what else is there?

what else...

sometimes i honestly wonder what else there is. curiousity weighs on my at times. the lie of the enemy is that i'm missing out. sometimes i wonder what it would have been like had i reached for that "bottle," had i given in to that boy, had i given everything up to live like everyone else. if i'm honest sometimes i still think about it.

thank you Jesus. you have spared me from so much.

then i realize that all of these things. these things...don't amount to anything.


Jesus.
my Everything.
the One who holds me in His arms.
when i cry.
through my heartbreaks.
and my pain.
He opens my heart to love.
despite that i've been hurt.

the sad thing about sunday morning

It's Sunday morning and like sheep with no Shepherd
they're turning off alarm clocks and ironing ties
above reproach is where we'll be in the eyes of the lesser
as they see our family van on it's way to church,
on it's way to tithe fundamentally you'll find it at the heart of our religion
all the answers and the ways of faith
learn it hear and speak Jesus name
it's synonymous with this place

And then a committee regulates where the money goes
and the people gather
who will teach the children and bring the gospel?
the Bible doesn't matter
we've heard it all a before from sermons and Sunday school
never from his book or from his voice
the Bible is just a reference tool socially
it's all required rituals, rules and youth group trips
they walk us through what we believe
we never hear love from graceful lips

So bring a date and bring a friend and socialize before service begins

We're making up more as we go along
and the weight of the morals the righteous men carry
we can make up more rules or cut some of them out
it's really all quite arbitrary

We will not learn from he who offers his voice to us daily and gives us life
we can read about it in colorful brochures
and see when service starts that night

As long as we sit under this roof
we're earning our way to a perfect heaven
I'm sure the Lord said something similar among the things that were said
when he walked among us and healed the diseased
if he came to our new location
I'm sure he'd be pleased with all our modern accommodations,
new paint and electrical tools
while the heathens sit at home,
idly they waste away like fools
we sit complacent and stagnant
and pleased that the building we've made finally suits our needs
and now we can learn and grow in this place
not by his voice or seeking his face


-showbread


what a song! whew. sadly true often times.


*i saw this band a few years ago. i got hit on by the guitarist. i have never felt like i was in a movie more than i did that night. i was the tall blonde standing to the side of the stage & he was the flailing musician looking at me from stage trying to get me to come up there. haha. hilarious...

missing a stranger

how could i miss someone this much?
someone i barely know.
it seems impossible.
someone i may never see again.


i'm ready to go home.
as wrong as it is...
i just wish i were with "you."


i don't know anymore.
the heartbreak.
the impatient waiting.
the persistence to do what's right.


as much as i love to love.
sometimes it really is exhausting.
loving & not knowing what the outcome will be.

loving & losing.

ouch.

it happens more times than not.


*i won't forget.
that night we spent.
walking down.
the dark lit.
streets of this town.
the gleam in your eyes.
your uninhibited smile.
& how i felt when you took my hand.
for the first time.




i'll just


l.o.v.e.


♥


my september 1st post stills rings true for you. that one is still yours.

11.23.2008

Here I am once again.
So much to say.
I wish that I had a pen & paper in my hand at all times to write things down so I don’t forget them.

This weekend was spent in Virginia…remembering a man that paved the way for eternity. That touched the life of every single person he met. I hope to leave a legacy behind like that. I couldn’t help but sit there & ask God for a double portion of this man’s life…just like Elisha's double portion. The mantle that he transferred to his children and grandchildren was…well, there are no words. Anyways…a refreshing journey to say the least. One of his son’s said this about his father:

“He set the standards high. And he made it easy.”

So true. I love that. That was so papa.

I love the man for his life. I’m absolutely head over heels in love with his family. I had the honor of speaking with the majority of them while I was there & I’ve never met anyone like them. The desire in my heart to have a massively large family becomes even more real for me when I’m around them.

The story of mama & papa’s “engagement” or what have you may have struck right through to my heart. And once again I was reassured that God is again in control of every aspect of my life. It was as though God was telling me… “you see. It is possible…if you just trust me.”

Anyways…God has been speaking directly to me lately. The 1st time that’s ever been the case in my entire life. The prophetic is something that I am still a “newbie” at. But this is at least the 2nd time I have had a discerning spirit about someone within the past few weeks. Extremely unlike me…& extremely LIKE God. I won’t go into the whole story, but let’s just say I am extremely excited that God is beginning to raise me up in this capacity for His Kingdom. Now just praying for the boldness to speak His words & that I would get out of the way so that He would be the One that is glorified.

On another occasion over the weekend, I was encouraged by another & am pretty sure I was an encouragement to him. I feel a deep connection to people who live their life like me. The crazy thing is that I can almost if not always spot them immediately. You know what I’m talking about? It’s those people that live their lives with passion. That dream largely & dare to think outside of the box. I have found my heart easily entangled in them. In their lives. I rarely meet people who I feel as though they live they’re lives with the complete openness that I do. I can think of several in particular that I feel as though I could take by the hand right now & never let go of. It is these people that encourage me unknowingly to press on. To dream big. To envision something greater. Giving me hope that it’s not just me. that I’m not alone. Sometimes I wonder how ridiculous I am for believing that I can “save” the entire world. Then other times…I think… “who am I not to change the world.” I may be just a simple girl. But I’m a simple girl who loves Jesus & loves people. The people that no one else loves.

So. That’s me. Revolutionary. Visionary. Dreamer.

Thank you Jesus for those people that you have subtly put in my life to keep me moving forward.

They’ll never see this but:

My love to papa (the trailblazer). To the knopps (the dreamers).

And to Jesus…the Lover of my soul. The Beat of my heart. The Breath in my lungs. And the Glimmer of Hope in my eyes.


.yours truly.

papa

my dear papa died yesterday. paul knopp...my spiritual grandfather.
without he & momma...

i wouldn't want to see
what life would have been like without them.

i will write more later.

love anyways.

i'm hurt. disappointed.

but somehow.

you learn to love beyond that.

i don't know how.

but you do.

last night i wanted to cry.

but i simply couldn't.

i'm broken.

and in need of rescuing.

my Savior, my God.

my best friend.

take my heart.



...last week, i had somewhat of a "scare." anyways...long story short, i'm completely fine. but at the time, i had to get my heart checked out.

while i was lying on a table in the hospital the Lord spoke to me.
He said to me,

"i know your heart."

those four words. from my Jesus.


& Jesus i want to know Yours.

i live to hear His voice.

what else is there?


this is a completely different subject.
but a lot in my life i have been ridiculed for being "the good girl"
or for being "perfect."

perfection is definitely something i'm not.
something that i have never pretended to be.

when people told me that they thought this of me...it always bothered me.
until last night when i read the Scripture.

"be perfect as I am perfect." -matthew 5:48

life of disorder & contentment

when people state a sentence & then the immediate sentence after that is "no offense" it always means that whatever they said was offensive & they know they shouldn't have said it. it's a complete oxymoron & it drives me crazy.

thank you. i just wanted to get that off of my chest.


.transition.

i love that random people come up to talk to me. and vice versa.
i love talking to strangers. i frequently meet them. & i love it.
i love love it.


.transition.


yesterday i sat in encounter. me & Jesus.
He specifically told me...

"that where I am, there you may be also."

like...i don't even think that i realized that was in the Bible until my roommate read me that portion of Scripture late last night.

a frequent tradition of us.
that i have become quite fond of nonetheless.


♥
but it's exciting to hear from God.

i love hearing His voice.

and i only hear it when i listen.
i am learning to listen.
to wait.
and seek.

but i feel like He & i are becoming closer than before.
that i am starting to catch glimpses of His love everywhere i go.

i have no idea

why God told me a few days ago what He did, but i told Him that i would do it if that's what He wants & so that's what i'm doing. i had a very big decision to make & wasn't sure what the right thing to do was. when He 1st told me, i wasn't even sure if it was Him.

& it's hard.
but i'm doing it.
because i love Him.
and i want to do what He tells me to.


for no other reason.

God give me patience & grace throughout the next several months.

election

it's official. we now have a new president.

i feel like i am in partial denial.

God's in control so i'm not worried in the least.

i am however heartbroken for the things that will probably come.

the things that make my heart ache are the things that make His ache.

America is the most wonderful country.

i have been so unbelieveably blessed.

revelations

i had the most profound thing to write to you this morning, yet had no time before my class & i have now somewhat lost the inspiration. don't you hate that?

i'll work on it & get back to you.

i woke up

this morning with the most unpleasant sense of loneliness.
i feel as though i'm a walking contradiction. i love to be alone.
my independence & unwillingness to sometimes let other people help
me i sometimes scary. yet...i find myself the majority of the time
completely alone. not on account of my "unsociality." i can honestly
say that. perhaps i am not the most outgoing person, but i will go
anywhere & everywhere with just about anyone. i just find it particularly
odd that i haven't even found one person that hasn't...well...let me down.
i mean people letting you down is inevitable. but maybe the better term
is...walked out on me when i needed them most. this seems to happen quite
frequently in my life & i have no idea why. which makes me unbelievably
guarded & reluctant to share my heart with anyone. i didn't mean for this post to
be a pity party for me. just sending a cosmic question into the void. i wish
there was just one person that i could trust. one person that could share my
heart with. without any fear or worry that the next day they would be gone.
jesus jesus...he's my man.

ok...i meant to say one earthly person. haha.
that would be nice.
not the greatest way to start off my day
nonetheless...


jesus...is my strength when i have none.

♥

found this

♥


So I feel like writing. What's new? I always do, but sadly I rarely get around to it. Due to popular demand, I should more often. Personally I guess I'm a little hard on myself, but if everyone else thinks I'm an intriguing writer…who am I to argue right? Haha. Just kidding. But to all my fans who at least tell me that I inspire them, I love you forever. Thanks again for the kind words.


I love writing. I wish that I had time for it more. I think it's the only way to say what's on my heart without it actually stuttering out of my mouth when I'm trying to speak it. Words always get so tangled up in my mouth, but if it comes straight from my heart, I'm usually doing ok. I used to be such a songwriter & now I miss that. I mean I still am, but I just need to gather up the time.


I've been thinking a lot lately. Well, I always think a lot, but I really have been a lot about everything. About My life. My love. My dreams. You know, the same stuff that everyone thinks about I guess. Maybe it's cause I'm in college & suddenly I realize that my future is approaching so quickly.


You know those times in your life where you're like…am I doing the right thing? I mean in making life decisions. Like…what in the world is God calling me to? What if I mess up somewhere along the way? That is going no where. I just wondered if you have ever thought about it. I have.


On another note, if there's one thing I've learned, it's….life is all about waiting for God's timing. I guess everyone always wants immediate answers, but they practically never come like that.

Waiting is hard. Probably one of the hardest things ever. I mean sometimes I wonder…


Why can't God just be like……..Steph, go do this. And I be like….Yay God! Ha. Do you ever wonder what it would be like if God worked that way? I guess that would totally defeat the purpose of His blessing if we didn't wait.


It's such a good thing He doesn't do things my way.

I'm so inadequate.


Anyways. My dreams. I have so many of them. I don't know which one to shoot for. Maybe all of them? In my case…this would be a little difficult. I can't even count all of them. There's so many different sides to myself that sometimes it freaks myself out. There's so much I want to do & I feel like the world is at my fingertips. I'm such a dreamer. Haha. I never even tell anyone hardly what all of my dreams are. Probably because I can never remember all of them.


And of course I have been thinking about my love. Yeah that's usual and yeah I'm about to get mushy. I wonder where he is. Of course being the girl that I am, I can't help myself. I keep picturing us catching eyes one day & knowing right then & there that we are going to forever be together. Of course…the light from the heavens is shining down from the sky & there's a gleam in my eye. Hahahaha. I'm such a romantic. Shut up. I really can't help it. Still young. And still waiting for God's best. No intention of giving up. I've waited to long & too hard for that. People say that it can't be done, but I'll prove them wrong.


Oh…I have such a heart for people. I'm not sure why. I mean, I know why, but you know what I mean. I was so sad today. You wanna know what I was upset about? I was upset that not everyone knows Jesus. Yeah…I know. How kindergarden-ish does that sound? But seriously I was saddened by it. I wish that everyone knew the Jesus that I do. I so wish! I have a heart for so much stuff that I'm not sure what to do. Or can all of it be done?


Anyways. As usual I don't know where this is going. And as usual….it's so long. I write no other way but long. Well, unless I'm songwriting of

course.


I don't know. Between the feeling of inadequacy, pain, weariness & confusion…I've found joy.


Not everything in life makes sense. In fact nothing in my life really ever does, but I'm not worried.



♥
this is something i wrote a while back
for the brokenhearted:



Close your eyes love

Take my hand

And hold on tight

Everything will be alright

Soon the light is coming

I know it's hard for you to see

The pain you feel is so real

As your heart starts beating

At the speed of light

You feel it pounding in your chest

As you begin to lose your breath

You wonder if there is hope

I'm here to tell you there is

Don't give up or let go

Don't give in

You're not alone

I'm right here

Waiting to catch you





.cheers.

propriety

i feel that no one has this anymore.



In this world so cold

But your love keeps me warm

My Father holds me in his nail scarred hands

In which I put there

But for some reason

He still loves me with all of His heart

-underoath

my heart

is still skipping beats.

ah. today was wonderful.

i want to write about it.

test tomorrow. no time.

it was so good.

it was beyond good.

life.

love.

and the pursuit of happiness.

i have run right into the face of it.

.cheers.

i miss you so

& the hardest part about it is not being able to tell you.

panera bread

that's where i am right now. gosh i wish i wasn't here to study & that i was simply here to blog. my life. my hopes. my dreams. my Love.

i love this feel. i guess that's why starbucks made such a smashing debut on American society. the feel of upscale business. of adulthood. of tranquil laughter & the overwhelming sense of accomplishing the "perfect" cup of coffee made just how you decisively order. a place with options all over the place.

....and the rest of the world fades away.


love it.


i'm sitting here alone. me & my laptop.
with my headphones listening to this brilliant song.
by the new & upcoming band named Campbell (how ironic).
their song London just hits the spot. i love it.
and i'm listening to the new anberlin.
anything stephen christian touches.
turns to gold.
still haven't read his book.
soon.




i am getting the feeling that i will bust out singing by accident any second now only to have the entire place turn around & look at me.

but hey...you gotta live a little.


anyways. i want to blog about important things. the last thing on earth i want to do is bust my rear for this genetics test tomorrow. which by the way feels as though it is completely pointless to study for.

i so deeply with i had a paper to write instead. i have found through my college career how much i actually enjoy writing papers & how much i deeply un-enjoy studying.


but here i am. to finish what i started. to do the best that i possibly can.


.cheers.

i feel the need to write a book sometime in the near future.
i know that i have what it takes.
some day.
i will.

also i am currently reading up on the "revolutionist" ron paul.
to find out what i devise from his campaign.

home

i'm going in 11 days. i've never been so excited in all of my life.
i hope i come back to florida after that. :)



"there's no place like home." -dorothy

you got it

i make breaking hearts look so easy.

♥


love this new anberlin.

hey, at least i warn you i'm a heartbreaker.
before things get too serious.
can i at least get a little credit for that?
it's not like i do it on purpose.
cough* stutter* blur*










i frequently go for late night drives through this city.
there something about the florida night air.
the setting sun.
the city lights.
and the shimmering lake.
that intrigues me.


almost as much as looking in your eyes...

almost.

this song

all day long.

walls to climb

yesterday did not blow over so well. i mean honestly this semester has been aweful so far. the beginning started out decent. well...the social aspect of college started out well. actually a little too well. :) but between the busyness of classes & the studying, i barely have time to think for myself. my course load this semester would make any normal person go insane. lucky for me, i'm not a normal person. yet i still feel the intensity that i may be slowly drowning. i'm am in a constant state of schoolwork, or else taking a small break only to think about the fact that i need to do more. it's exhausting. i've almost reached the halfway mark. typically it gets a little more difficult from here which concerns me. my social life has virtually ceased to exist. though i can not set myself up for failure, i feel like i now realize the implications of failure. i have had to deal with plenty of that in my life. not a ton, but just enough to make me realize that failure doesn't mean it's over. it only means there might be a little more set backs than planned. all it means is that you get up & try again.

with that said...it's almost october. unbelieveable. 2 1/2 more months until i start this process over. hopefully in a little different scenario in which i'm in now. one that i am unable to share with you now, but soon.

christmastime. i will spend the next few months waiting for christmastime...


♥
.cheers.



learn persistence when your young.
it's the only thing to keep you moving in a forward direction.

isn't it ironic

life.




will i always want what i can't have?




*you taking me by the hand
didn't exactly help this situation
but it did make my knees weak
& i smile every time i think of you*

.college.

i would dare say it is one of the hardest times in your life.
you're on your own.
freedom.

you have so many decisons to make.
life altering decisions.
decisions that make you become.
exactly who it is that you are becoming.

it's when you finally decide what you truly believe in.
what you think is important.
it's when you no longer need anyone else's opinion.
because you live your life for what you decide
it's worth living for.

it's when you decide to chuck those morals out the window.
that you've been taught you're whole life.
or else you cling on to them for dear life.
praying you will be able to keep them in your heart.

there are so many decisions to be made. important ones.
these seem like little issues, but amazing how one wrong
decision could influence the rest of your life.

talk about pressure!!!


is it the difference in one beer? or four?
in jumping into that boys truck? or not?
studying for the big exam or "wing it"?
cigarettes? or none?



what will you choose?
who will you become?

chai tea latte's: a matter of life or death

2nd post today. i know. impressive right? :)


tonight i ate dinner alone on a bench by a beautiful fountain.
the sun was just setting.
with the wind slightly blowing in my hair.
i can catch a glimpse of Him everywhere.
at least i can when i pay attention.
i only wish i paid attention more often.
i'm working on it though.
He keeps whispering His love in the most unlikely places.



then i went to starbucks (a rarity in my life unfortunately).
unfortunate only because chai tea latte's are right up there on the
list with bare feet & walking around naked.
both of which i am unashamed to say i love TREMENDOUSLY.



there are so many things i want to say, but the words never come out right.
i'll be back when i find some words.

♥

.love.

all you need is love. (and Jesus)

♥

i don't judge anybody.
i mean it.
nothing is ever as it seems.
the longer you're around,
the more you realize it.
just don't do it.
it hinders your witness.
turns your attitude sour.
nothing good ever comes out of it.
not to say to use your bad judgment
and do something stupid.
but i think you know what i'm getting at.

maybe i really am just the good ol' hippie i always knew i was.
believing that love is always the answer.

the beatles were right:




"all you need is love."



well...you know.
we need Jesus too.
but without His love...

i can't imagine.



love this one:

blah

people.
i love them.
you know that by now.
if you know me at all.
if there's one thing that rips.
my heart into shreds.
it's for me to watch someone.
throw their life away.

i'm disappointed.
a little hurt.
i'm not sure why.
because i've known it all along.

angry....yes.

a righteous anger though.
an anger for the things of God & not the things of this world.

Jesus.
i just want to stand in a field & scream His name.
to save us from all of this hell that is so easily mistaken
for something worth saving.

i completely don't understand this situation.
and i know this post doesn't make sense.
my sincere apologies.
i'll put it in the hands of the Father.

Jesus save us.
open our eyes.
to the things that are REAL.
to You Jesus.

i can cry out for souls all day long.
but You're the only One that can save.

please God.
save this one.
please.

for you

every song reminds me of
the first time we danced
you smiling at me from across the room
awakening me to breath you in
your arm around my waist
so charming yet unsure
your beautiful eyes gazing in my direction
and your sweet voice in my ear

i won't forget
that summer night air
walking barefoot
in the pale moonlight
by your side
so intoxicating
so refreshing

now all that's left is a memory of us
a memory that only keeps me
hoping, wishing, dreaming

and i can't wait to see you again

♥

oh boy

slept with a smile on my face last night. still unrecovered. but i love the chaos. the unanswered questions. love life.

rain

it rains in florida every day. i love rain...

i'm gonna be one of those old folk out on the front porch in my rocking chair watching the rain pour down. i already do that. rain is so refreshing.

*************************************************************************

there's so many things to learn in life. life lessons...if you wish to call them. all of life is one huge learning journey.

recently i have learned that there is nothing more beautiful about you than simply being you.

as hard as it is sometimes, it brings the most freedom. living up to people's grandeur expectations of who they think you are or who you wish to be is exhausting.

so for words of wisdom from me:

wear your sweatpants
take off that make up

and let YOU shine a little.

♥

.cheers.

to speak or not to speak

this is the 1st time in a while i'm actually scared to death to say what i'm thinking. yeah i don't usually have this problem. i haven't wanted anything this much since i got my first easy bake oven. and do i only want this because i can't have it?

should i take this risk?

no?

every time i do this...i end up doing it. it's just who i am. i'd rather take the risk than not take it & wonder what would have happened had i taken it.

today

was amazing :)

end of story

♥

you expect me to sleep after all of that? i think not...

do you ever feel

like you're defeated before you even begin?


i know. i know...
the negative posts lately.
are you starting to get tired of them?
trust me, i'm tired too.
the past few months have been treacherous.


i was actually hoping that starting classes today would remedy things a little.
but boy was i wrong...


i feel like i've fallen before i've even taken my 1st step.
like i've almost reached the top of a mountain only to tumble to the bottom again.
and to top it off...i'm about as homesick as crap (however homesick crap gets...i have no clue).

and i swear...
i'm not usually like this.


this is the biggest fight i've ever had to put up with.
i've never been so discouraged in my entire life.
i want to give up.
but i can't.
i'm too stubborn.
to ever quit.


on the verge of a constant stream of tears.
and a broken heart.


with only One who could ever piece it all back together.

my song (this one really is it)

It's just a sad picture,
The final blow hits you
Somebody else gets what you wanted again
You know it's all the same
Another time and place
Repeating history, and your getting sick of it

But I believe in whatever you do
And I'll do anything to see it through

Because these things will change
Can you feel it now?
These walls that they put up to hold us back will fall down
It's a revolution, the time will come for us to finally win
We'll sing hallelujah
We'll sing hallelujah
Oh

So you've been outnumbered
Raided and now cornered
It's hard to fight when the fight ain't fair
We're getting stronger now
From things they never found
They might be bigger, but we're faster and never scared
You can walk away and say we don't need this
But there's something in your eyes, says we can beat this

These things will change
Can you feel it now?
These walls that they put up to hold us back will fall down
It's a revolution, the time will come for us to finally win
We'll sing hallelujah
We'll sing hallelujah
Oh

Tonight we're standing on our knees
To fight for what we worked for all these years
The battle was long, it's the fight of our lives
Will we stand up champions tonight?
It was the night things changed
Can you see it now?
When the walls that they put up to hold us back fell down
It's a revolution, throw your hands up, cause we never gave in
We'll sing halleluiah
We'll sing halleluiah
Hallelujah


listen here:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7XCMN2C5DCA

friends

*i am so incredibly thankful for friends. those friends that have stood by me through thick & thin. through unexpected & suspected. especially the ones that have been by my side over the past few months. those that have held me through the tears & laughed with me in the rain. i really can not express to you how much i love them. for their courage & strength when i have trouble finding mine. a few stick out in my mind & without those few...i would have not made it this far. so today i'm sending this little "thank you" into the void. every day i wake up is another day to express truly how grateful i am for those who have lived their life as a part of mine. and i intend on living my life as a part of theirs as well.*

i saw rascal flatts & taylor swift on friday night with mom & sis. what a great time! probably the best concert i've ever seen. thank God i'm a country girl. i can't have it any other way.

last night i saw journey & heart. and yet another great time with a dear friend. i love that kind of music. that's when music was truly good. not that it's not good now, but there's something about the 80's. maybe it's because i was born then? who knows...at any rate, it's always fun to pull out my cigarette lighter & wave it in the air. although i don't smoke, i find it profoundly & absurdly comforting to carry a cigarette lighter in my purse everywhere i go.

it was nice to let go & just dance this weekend.

i believe i have 11 days left at home sweet home. then back to sunny florida. where God rises & sets the sun every day for me. it will be hard, yet somewhat refreshing. and in the words of cartel..."i'll give up any home just to find my dream & it's weighing on me."

♥

You say good-bye
Every day and night
With writing on the walls
Everybody's gonna need somebody
To take our troubles, and our worries, and our problems all away
-augustana

2 Timothy 1:7

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

more than a name or face in the crowd

i wish i had some kind of rejuvenating spout of encouragement saying that "it" has finally clicked, but i don't. all i know is that i've decided to forsake all else in order to chase after the heart of God as hard as it may be. i have no idea how it's going to work, but that's just it. i'm not supposed to know. i got some incredibly disappointing news yesterday, which may be followed by more disappointing news on monday, but the truth is...it's all going to be ok & i have to continuously tell myself that. my world is not over...i have not lost everything. i felt like a failure once again, like i wasn't good enough to do this & like i was never going to make it doing this. although i feel that i in one sense "wasted" my entire summer...a few weeks ago i was crying out to God & i told Him that if for nothing else...it was to wear His name boldly on my face. well, i guess that's what i did & hey that's good enough for me. that's all i really want with my life anyways. i don't know, i'm literally scared out of my wits for the first time in my life & i'm not too proud to admit it. at the same time i am so excited for the days to come. for the first time in my life, i'm about to run with nothing holding me back.


i love this song. i know i say that often, but i love music. when it first came out i kinda figured it would be over played, which it still prolly will, but it's how i feel now.

ps. my blog hit over a thousand views. i would get ice cream tonight or something except i think i'm accountable for at least half of those... :)



David Cook Lyrics
The Time Of My Life Lyrics

could this be our last dance...

this is the song that my heart is dancing to right now.

my life is completely
wrecked at this point
and my heart hurts
i don't understand
but maybe it takes
a complete "wrecking"
to fully who you are
to realize you're alive
i'm just ready to be
finished with this season
in my life
things will get easier
i'm certain
it's just a matter of
getting through the next
month.

rain

it's about to thunderstorm. i love those. i really really really want to go stand outside in the rain & let it wash this all away.

but i want to stand in the rain with "you."

i've decided

not to give up just quite yet.
i've got too much to lose.


♥


"The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life.

Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company... a church... a home.

The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past... we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude... I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it.

And so it is with you... we are in charge of our attitudes."
-charles swindoll

lost

i hate feeling lost. mixed in the shuffle.
i'm so tired of it. i've never been so
confused & hurt in my entire life.
not to mention i have this constant
headache i can't get rid of. i wonder
why...

i just have no idea.

i am trying hard to cling to the Father.
He is my source of strength & my only hope.


today is the 4th.

i am however proud to be an american. :)


rhianna. she's so beautiful...love this jam.

unintellectual

i just got back from the pat benetar concert.
unbelievable. i love that woman.
i have stuff so say, i just don't feel like
writing at the moment. i'm gonna go dance
around the house to "heartbreaker."
and more importantly...God blessed the
socks off me tonight. we were sitting on
the lawn & some random woman randomly
came up to us & gave us tickets...front &
center. favor of God right there.


.love.

i forgot

to post this one 6.14.08

I am sitting down to write. Finally. I am feeling somewhat inspired. This summer has been insanely busy. Most days I wonder how in the world I’m going to accomplish all of this stuff, while still managing to get by with my normal life. So far I’ve made it. I’m going to make it. I’m certain. I’ve had so much on my mind lately. I feel like I have been carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders….kind of a big responsibility…

Life is changing. Dramatically. More so & faster than I ever thought. No complaints though. I think this might actually turn out ok. I’m scared & excited all at the same time. Maybe what I wanted all along is finally turning out to be. Even if it has been a little harder than I thought. I think I may be finally finding the “ME” I’ve been looking for for so long.

Tonight was great. I laughed. I feel like I haven’t really laughed in a long time. You know what I mean by laugh? I mean not a chuckle…not a smile. I mean one of those loud laughs where you’re embarrassed that you laughed that loud.

Laughing. I love that word. It’s a word of sheer joy. Of bliss.
Many people live their lives without joy.
Without any laughter.
With so much pain.
I can’t imagine.

Thank you God for Your joy in my life.
For family.
For friends.
For love.

I have no idea where life is going to take me. I have no idea what’s around the corner, but what I am starting to catch a glimpse of is the things that I want for my life. I constantly have to tell myself not to settle for anything less.


I guess we’ll see. :)


Anyways…there’s been beauty in the breaking.

love

love is not a feeling. most of the time when you ask people what love is...that's what they'll tell you. i would like to do an experiment & video tape people's answers on this one. it's actually kind of heart wrenching for me. the realization of this for me was a few weeks ago in my speech class. when asked to state the definition of love...i had no idea that so many people had it wrong. or maybe i did, but just had never heard anyone talk about it out loud. so let's define it. shall we?



1 Corinthians 13:

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

i have no idea

what i'm doing. but the more & more i push & strive. the more & more Jesus comes & loves on me. the more He comes & reminds me that this is all going to be worth it some day. even when i don't understand & things don't turn out how i want them to...He is still in control & He is still always looking out for me. He is my eyes when i am too selfish to see.

♥

thank you YHWH(my Eyes)

♥

why can't i have paint running down my walls like this?
that would be so much fun.




abandonment to Jesus. sort of ironic how this song became so popular, yet no one really realized what they were singing.

pressure

probably a good word for the summer. i feel like i'm dying. like literally...i am slowly drowning in a sea of storm stricken waves. my chest hurts basically 24/7 & i think my mom may kill me for complaining before anything else.

4 classes & failing every single one. i'm not being modest either. what's a girl to do? all this time & money spent. it's going to take nothing less than a miracle from heaven to get me through this. this is between giving my all or giving up. sometimes i feel like my all just isn't good enough. i guess only time will tell. nothing in my life has ever been easy. i don't know why i thought this would be any different.


hayley williams is beautiful...sometimes i'm envious of her. ok i always am...here she is:

frou frou

cover by boys like girls. one of the most amazing things i've heard in a while.





love it.




Let Go

Drink up baby down
Are you in or are you out?
Leave your things behind
'Cause it's all going off without you
Excuse me too busy you're writing a tragedy
These mess-ups
You bubble-wrap
When you've no idea what you're like

So, let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

It gains the more it gives
And then advances with the form
So, honey, back for more
Can't you see that all the stuff's essential?
Such boundless pleasure
We've no time for later
Now you can wait
You roll your eyes
We've twenty seconds to comply

So, let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's al right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

yesterday

Jet Lyrics
Hold On Lyrics

was terrible. i can't go into details but to top things off at the end of the night my dog got loose again. i threw on my tennis shoes at around 11 last night & went for a run. a big run. a fast run. finally i found her in someone else's yard miles from home to which i sat in their yard trying to catch her for about 30 min. this whole fiasco probably lasted an hour or more, but it felt like longer. so i had an eventful night. and i've got the scars to prove it this morning too.

i can't believe i didn't get arrested. i sat on someones lawn until about 12 o'clock last night crying my eyes out watching my own life fall apart. the dog was just the cherry on top of the ice cream yesterday. i keep asking God what i should do, but i haven't really heard much from Him lately. and i don't mean that in a sarcastic or angry way. i'm just saying i really haven't heard His voice lately so i'm completely lost.

i have no idea what i'm doing. i don't know if i can make it through the summer like this. i keep telling myself that i can & sometimes i'm so strong that it hurts. i have made it almost half way through my classes & i'd hate for it to end right now. but i'm doing poorly in pretty much every single one due to lack of time. not due to my own apathy. i can't really go into anything personal so i guess it would be difficult for you to understand.

but...anyways. sorry for the sad little post.

maybe i should just hold on a little while longer.
i feel like this song.




"Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education alone will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan "press on" has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race."
-John Calvin Coolidge

bravery

yesterday i was brave.
i wish i could be brave every day.
what holds me back from bravery anyways?
it's always scary at first.
but the exhilarating feeling of actually
accomplishing what i am scared to do in
the first place is worth it.
the most difficult things in life
always turn out to be the best things
in life.

reinventing

i have to decided to reinvent. i'm not worried about all of the foolishness. all the things that really don't matter...


here's to me being me & loving it despite what everyone else says.


the end.

5.11.08

I know I said I doubt I’d ever blog during the summer, but it looks like I was wrong as usual. :) I’ve been at it like every day, but that’s just because classes haven’t started yet. And I will no longer be able to say that tomorrow. Wah! But I graduate in 1 year. Yes. I said 1 year. I know…I’m in denial too. Yesterday I babysat my babies…which I found out are no longer babies. One is 5 & the other almost 7. The oldest I have been babysitting since 6 months & the younger since birth. I suddenly feel a sense of the words responsibility & adulthood. It’s weird how I feel like a mother to them & they’re not even my own. It’s absolutely crazy how quickly time goes.

I have always been harassed on the boyfriend scenario. I guess because I have such high standards. I don’t even really like using that word because it makes it seem as though I’m looking for a perfect guy & people tend to think that I’m unrealistic. The truth is I’m not looking for a perfect guy…just the perfect guy. The guy God has for me is the perfect one. I’ve been waiting for my prince charming for 21 years…& still waiting. People think I’m crazy, but I don’t really care. I’ve never lived up to the world’s expectations, so why should I start now? Of course I’m not hiding away in my room with a bag on my head expecting him to notice me, but I refuse to settle for anything that isn’t what God has for me.

Everyone from my grandparents to my hairdresser to my gynecologist asks me about my love life. Ok…my gyn has her reasons I guess. Haha. Yesterday my 7 year old asked me if I was getting married sometime. I told her I didn’t know, but probably I would. She then asked me if I had a boyfriend…to which I said no. Then she proceeds to say & I quote “You don’t have a boyfriend! That’s the first step.” Yeah…now I’m being harassed about my love life by a 7 year old. Great.

New subject: (I’m lowsy at transitions & exceptionally scatterbrained @ 12 am)

Why does it seem that boys have almost a perfect track record of being “chronic disappearers” when you need them the most? I don’t know. This has just been my experience with them. Maybe it’s just my luck or maybe they get tired of waiting for me. I have no one in particular in mind. You know what though…I’m sitting here thinking of all my guy friends I have & have had in the past & I’m having the hardest time thinking of just 1 who hasn’t disappeared in one sense of the word or another. Scares me. That had nothing to do with anything in my life right now. I don’t know why I’m even saying it.

Today was mother’s day. I love my mother. I wouldn’t be here without her. For more reasons than one. :) She is the most selfless & beautiful woman I’ve ever met. I hope one day I’m just like her.

Aside from that…nothing to report. But there’s rarely ever a dull moment in my life so there probably will be some sort of exciting news soon.

.cheers.

5.9.08

The good news is I have gotten back into writing a little bit. If feels pretty good…and I finally got to paint today. I painted my mom a flower for mothers day on a canvas which I insisted on giving her early & it is now hanging on the wall. It looks like a 4 year old did it, but I loved every second of it. I sat outside in my backyard on a blanket & painted…brush in hand & the wind blowing in my hair. Refreshing. I’ve got to do it more often. Maybe I should switch over to those paint by number ones though. :)

I have not much else to say. Everything is still crazy in the life of me as usual…but I’m kind of learning to “roll with the punches” & still trying to balance life & make decent decisions concerning my life. There’s so many things I have to do. So many things I need to do. And so many things I want to do. Hopefully accomplishments will soon follow.

I wish I was getting my jeep in the next few weeks, but looks like that’s not gonna be for quite some time. :) I’ll keep work work working hard. I actually rolled all the windows down in the car today & pretended I was in a jeep. I know…this could qualify me for psychiatric help. But I can’t help it. I really want one. I’ll get there one day. No worries. I’ll keep dreaming. It keeps me breathing.

.cheers.

I’m so lost in your eyes
So lost in your touch
Your heart is a river flowing free
Everything I wish I could be
Your smile makes me weak
There’s so many things I’d like to say to you
But the words never come out right
We’re so far away from home
But home is when I look in your eyes
Waiting to see you again
Is like waiting through the night
To see the sun
It’s on the horizon
Beautiful and bright
I’m only waiting for the break of daylight
You’re my sunshine
My eyes when I’m so blind
I’ll keep waiting for you
For your eyes
Your touch
I miss you
But I’ll see you soon
Until then
You’ll be in my dreams

5.8.08

I have watched the movie 27 dresses about a million times in the past few days. It’s kind of a chic flick I suppose. The main character reminds me so much of myself that it absolutely scares me. If only James Marsden would come sweep me off my feet…haha.
That’d be the day. :) It was funny because I just blogged about me feeling like I’m always taking care of everybody & that I needed someone to just take care of me for a while…& that’s exactly what the story line was. Weirdness. And I guess sometimes we all just need to learn to say no. Me especially, because I’m always trying to make other people happy.

Today was horrendous. Don’t you love how the last 2 blogs were about my terrible days. :) Aside from getting myself in a conundrum in the parking garage & scratching my mother’s car to oblivion…

I don’t know. It was just too much for me to handle for one day on top of everything else. I feel terrible about it, but I’m hanging in. I guess it’s just life for you. If I was my mother, I would have kicked my butt. Some poor guy had to come help me out after I had gotten myself into this irreversible situation. It was then suddenly that I realized I needed a man in my life A.S.A.P. Haha. No seriously. For the 1st time in a while I had gotten myself in a situation where I absolutely needed someone to help ME & I was no longer strong enough to handle the situation myself which is unusual for me considering I usually am. It actually kind of scared me a little bit. I don’t think it’s really pride that I don’t ask for help. I mean maybe a little bit, but I think it’s more just independence & wanting to prove that I can do it by myself. Ok…I guess that’s considered pride. Nevermind. Anyways…God bless his sweet heart. He bailed me out. Of course asking me how in the heck I could have ever maneuvered the car into that tight of a space. To which I proceeded to tell him that I had no idea. I was shaking like a leaf & about to bust into tears. Then he got me out of the car & I watched him straighten everything up as if it was no big deal at all. I told you all I wanted was someone to rescue me. And well I guess I got a hero today. Of course I wasn’t really looking for a hero in that kind of situation, but I guess I’ll take what I can get. I felt like such a reject & entwined in utter humiliation, but as he was walking away I still managed to shout at him, “You are my hero.” But it really was true. I am completely convinced that I wouldn’t have made it without him today. And all the while I am extremely thankful for him, I know that in his heart of hearts, he felt truly needed. Though this seems as though such a small accomplishment, he meant the world to me. A poor little girl crying for help just needed a strong guy confident in what he was doing to save her. I would have been completely confident in a divine intervention from God. I guess you never really know how many people you are going to reach or how many people you may be pulling out of the dirt. Heroes seem to show up in the strangest of places. I actually have a lot of heroes & I guess I don’t mention it to them enough, but even some of the people that I have met this year…even with their smiles, high fives, waves, kisses on my cheek or those little brushes against my arm…felt to me like they were saving my life. Not really that I was dying or anything. Haha. But just their smile…made me breathe in something of the feeling of tranquility and made me feel that I am in fact beautiful and needed.

Jesus is all that I will ever need & I am certain that if a man never came into my life, I would be fine, yet at the same time, God knows the desires of my heart which longs for a wonderful man who will love me & take care of me like He does. I am determined not to mess it up, but the older I become, the more difficult things get. And the more difficult things get, the more I find myself wishing he was here. Yet the more difficult things get, the more I learn to cling to the Father…the Lover of my heart.

I wish I could tell you that every hour of every day I spend calling upon the name of the Lord, but that’s just not the case. I’m so selfish & completely lost, yet He never gives up on me. He thinks about me constantly as I’m too busy to even remember to thank Him for the tiniest of things. It’s such a relief to know that even though most of the time I screw up, He’s still waiting to catch me when I fall.

New subject. Sheesh my blogs have been long lately. I’m having to type them on my laptop & then go somewhere else later to post because I don’t have internet. Haha. I start school Monday. That was the favor of God right there. I was absolutely positive that I wasn’t going to be able to get into a maymester & well…I did!  I mean I really am excited about it despite the fact that it IS a speech class in which I HATE public speaking. But I’m sure I’ll make it. I always do. Then for regular summer session I should be taking 2 classes & 2 labs. It will be tough, but it will lighten my already tremendous load that I have next year. I’m determined to make it my best year of college yet. There’s so many amazing people that I’ve already met & I need them to rub off on me. OBVIOUSLY….I need a little help. :)

Anyways. I hope that I can be a hero for someone somewhere.

I am so thankful for those who have been heroes in my life.
And for my Hero.
That saved my life.
When He conquered the grave.
And set me free.


.love.

long. just breathe.

Where to begin? It’s always my question. For starters….my sis & I wrote a poem a few weeks ago. This is what we came up with. It had to be in slant rhyme (whatever that means) just as Emily Dickinson & Walt Whitman wrote & well I don’t want to brag or anything, but we got a 100. Not to mention we fooled the whole class into thinking it was Dickinson. I actually wonder from time to time what my life would have been like if I had chosen to become a journalist. Anyways…here is the A+ poem, which seemed a little risky turning in to a public school system. Nonetheless, Jesus got all of the glory. Short…sweet & to the point. Enjoy:


Lying in a field of flowers-
Gazing at the sky-
Loosing track of the hour-
Watching birds fly by.

Leaves blowing in the wind-
Yellow, orange and red-
He takes me by the hand-
“Come with me,” He said.

Oh what a glorious day!
All the things He made.
He washed my pain away-
His own life He laid.


Cha-ching! I like writing songs better, but I guess I’ll take what I can get.

Today. Today. Was difficult? Wait…let me say it with confidence. Was difficult.


I have few annoyances that really make me want to lash out irrationally. But I dare say the one that annoys me the most is arrogance, vanity or egotism. Pick your choice of those 3 words. They all basically mean the same. I can’t tell you how unbelievable exhausted I am just even watching people try to live up to other people’s expectations. Watching people trying to be perfectionists. It’s like seeing a possum get hit by a car REPEATEDLY. From the outside, they look absolutely perfect, but on the inside, they’re just bleeding like everyone else. I have found that the people that actually “look like they have it together the most” do in fact, have nothing together at all. In my opinion, there may not be anything worse than me than those people who look at themselves in every bloomin reflection they just happen to walk by. I HATE that. I’m thinking in my head…. “they absolutely did NOT just fix their hair looking in that stupid metal fork.” I could write on this pesky annoyance for hours, but I will spare you. I guess my point is…I myself even need to try to stop living up to people’s expectations. Of course I care to an extent what people think about me, because I’d prefer not to be thought of a slob or what have you. Yet, I have found that I could really care less about what people say about me. Because who are they to have an opinion about someone they don’t even know? Like I’ve said before, I am the kind of person that feels an extreme importance to say what you are thinking, even if people may take it wrong. If you never did this, then what is the point of encouragement & loving someone? Loving someone means that you are going to HAVE to be vulnerable. In fact, being vulnerable is the hardest part of love I think. It is so hard to put your heart in someone else’s hands & then trust them not to break it. A lot of the time you will get hurt, but what is living if you aren’t taking any risks? I saw a sign today which read, “you miss 100% of the shots you never take.” I had heard that one before, but it’s like I actually READ it this time. How will you ever get on a personal level with someone if you don’t tell them what you’re thinking?...if you never take any risks? I never want to live my life feeling like I am missing out or as if I wished I had said something. I never want to miss out on a great friendship…a great love. I never want to have regrets.

I feel the need just like everyone else to STAND OUT. Yet in the long run, what does it matter anyways? I know what it’s like to have a ton of friends & I know what it’s like to go through those times in life where you feel like you have no one. But I’m so tired of the constant battle in my mind (like every woman in the world) of whether I’m “good enough.” Whether my butt is too big…my confidence to shaky…whether I will ever be needed by anyone. Thank you to society, media & Hollywood for wrecking my identity & my sense of self worth along with the millions of others men & women in this country. Some days I am bold & confident in who I am & others…well…you know the story.

Maybe it’s sheer jealousy, because everyone else seems to always get what I want even if I’m working hard towards it. Sometimes I guess it’s just not in the cards for me, yet this doesn’t make it any easier to watch other people live my dream. Of course I am thrilled for those who make it, but if you never learn to work hard to get where you’re going…maybe you are living your life all in vain. If you have everything handed to you, how can you ever truly know a sense of accomplishment? You’ll have no accomplishment & you grow up spoiled, inadequate & fearful that the world might tear you apart, which seems to generally happen in these situations. Things in the life are tough & somehow or another, you have to learn to stand up for yourself. A petition for love. For life. For real beauty. We need something like this. Just a little something I was thinking about.

It’s actually something I think about a lot, because I’ve always had to fight really hard for what I want. More times than not, I end up on my face, but as long as I keep getting back up, the stronger I become. But quite honestly, I’m just ready to give it all up. Screw the pressure. The pressure to be beautiful. The pressure to be rich. The pressure to have a boyfriend telling me I’m beautiful. I don’t need it. I never have. In the words of Kirsten Dunst in the movie Elizabethtown, “I don’t need an icecream cone.” To which Orlando Bloom proceeds to ask, “What’s an icecream cone?” In reply, “It’s something sweet that makes you feel good & melts in 10 minutes.” I’ve never lived my life in any of the sense of the word “normal” & the truth is I like it that way. I hate conformism…with a passion. We loose our individuality & our creativity when we conform.

Besides, I shouldn’t have to be the “substitute” for anyone. I don’t date any old Joe Smo just to have a man by my side. I refuse to be like everyone else. I am who I am. End of story. And whether I am hidden behind the shadows of those who are more beautiful, more intelligent & more outgoing than me, I am still just me. I am perfectly happy not to be in the lime light 24/7. Yeah it’s fun to be the attention. Yeah it feels good, but at the end of the day, if I have not found someone to love, my search to “be seen” or to “be known” is all in vain. I meet lots of people. I talk to people every chance that I can get & I love it. I love to listen to other people. It’s like when I talk to them I can see their souls. Maybe I love it because for a moment I can actually stop thinking about myself. I think I’d rather live my life in the realm of the unseen so that people will no longer see ME, but instead the One who lives IN ME. I would rather spend my life learning to love than spend it being just another pretty face in the crowd, who no one will remember.


God forgive me for my jealousy.
Forgive me of my attitude & judgment.
Help me to learn to love like You.
Make me beautiful.
Make me a light for Your Kingdom.
So that it is only You that is seen.



Not to us…but to Your name be the glory. -psalm 115:1



“I’m hard to remember, but I’m impossible to forget.” –elizabethtown

whew

whatever that drink is. i want one.

i'm exhausted. last day of finals is tomorrow & then i'm off to home. dearest home.
oh boy. why do things never turn out like i plan? i can plan what i'm going to do & exactly what i'm going to say.

then i never do what i thought i was going to do. i never say what i really want to say. my heart seems to work so much harder than what i can actually get out of my mouth. then i get mad at myself that things didn't work out like i planned even though technically it's out of my hands. haha. oh what a day! :) i give up.

i guess whatever happens...happens.

i hope this summer turns out well & that i learn to find complete contentment in whatever situation i'm in. that will be a hard one, but i'm gonna see what i can do. i don't have a computer at home so if i ever blog on here, count it as an absolute blessing. i'll try my best, but i can't make any promises.

much love.

Jesus i love You

thank You YHWH.
for Your breath.
for Your life.
for Your love.
i am nothing.
without You.

<3

What a BEAUTIFUL day today. i can't get over it. it was so wonderful i could just...i don't know what.






"You said the way my blue eyes shine put those Georgia stars to shame that night." -taylor swift

i'm tired

of being so strong for everyone. i need someone to be strong for ME for once.





i want to give up so bad.
wait did i say that already?
home. i can't wait to go home.
i think.



i just want to take a freaking road trip & paint for pete sake. is that too much to ask? i'm just not sure who i want to go with quite yet though...


any takers? i swear i'm fun.


georgia. georgia on my mind.


"There’s something about the Georgia summer afternoons
When the sun goes down and the air gets cool
And it's home to me it's home to me

And I've been missing that place too much it seems
Gave up any home just to find my dreams
And it's weighing on me it's weighing on me"

meanderings

"those little nothings have meant so much more to me than so many somethings."

oh how i wish i had something extraordinary to share with you. but the truth is i live an ordinary life extraordinarily. and...i like it that way. i mentioned a zillion times how much i love meeting people. it is as true today as it was then. i love listening to people stories. i love people who love. i love love. nothing extraordinary has really happened to me in the past few days. i've met some amazing people, but that's just because i talk to everybody i see. it's like an addiction with me. i seriously can't help it.





i go home in one week. i'm mostly happy, but sad to leave the people i love. you know how it goes. but you know what they say..."absence makes the heart grow fonder." do you believe that? i think i do. keeping you from what you want only makes you want it more. unfortunately. who knows what this summer will hold. i'm going with no expectations. but there's a few things i want to accomplish...here they are:




-paint. paint. & paint some more.
-play my piano & finish more of my songs.
-teach my dog not to jump on me when i come in the door.
-take 11 hrs of classes (not happy about that one).
-run 500 miles (not all at once).
-talk to one stranger every day.
-read a few books with chai tea latte in hand.
-take a roadtrip (alone & not alone).
-take time to breath deep.
-dance a lot.
-lay outside under the stars.
-photograph.
-get enough courage to tell you how i really feel about you (in a good way).




there's just the beginning. let's see how much i get done.


.cheers.

cause

I'm addicted
I'm needy
I'm lost without You
I need You
You're Amazing

-thealmost

i'm free

it feels so good...

more than anything right now

i want...

a large cup of starbucks C H A I L A T T E.
a fluffy P I L L O W.
a soft B L A N K E T.
and i want you to be with M E.
outside under the S T A R S.


that would make me feel so much B E T T E R.
my heart could finally be at R E S T.

♥






my current band: the less.


check them out.

::: we're gonna make it through :::


and some lifehouse for today...




.love.

my heart

will CHOOSE to say. BLESSED BE THE NAME OF THE LORD!

kinda bizzare that i was talking about wounds last time. i had some surgery yesterday. NOT fun at all. i'm going back to the doctor tomorrow. keep me in your prayers. i've just gotta jump this hurdle. then 2 weeks of hard work at school.

then of course time for that summer love.


.cheers.

4.10.08

Today.
Began wonderfully.
Ended not entirely awefully.
But definitely not amazingly.
The concerns of this life.
Weigh down hard on me.
The majority of the time.

I remember when things in my life began to get complicated.
Most nights before I went to sleep…crying no doubt.
And the only thing that I could say to God was…
“Please fix this, because You’re the only One who can.”
And I’d fall asleep with my eyes wide open.
At least it felt like it.

This healing process has been a long one at that.
I never thought it would take this long.
With wounds so large…only the Healer & Creator of my heart could fix.
Because He knows the very rhythm of my heartbeat.
What makes it ache.
What makes it happy.
And of course what makes it love.

Speaking of…why is it so easy to fall in love with LOVE? I wish I had the answer to this question. I am indeed a hopeless romantic despite my independence.

But back to the beginning.
These wounds are still slowly healing.
Time heals all wounds.
At least that’s what “they” say.
Who are THEY?
I’ve always wondered.
But I guess I will see if “they” were right.

I worry way too much about unimportant things & not enough about the important things. My life is completely amazing, but completely imperfect. I don’t have “it” all together. Whatever “it” is. And I never pretend to. I could be the 1st one to say that I rarely have anything together at all.

I’d rather focus on the wonderful half of the day & forget about the rest, but deep down… my heart has innumerable burdens to large for any little girl to handle.

Daddy, heal my broken heart & make it like Yours. I love you.

everything will be alright

How long have I been in this storm?
So overwhelmed by the ocean’s shapeless form
Water's getting harder to tread
With these waves crashing over my head

If I could just see you
Everything would be all alright
If I'd see you
This darkness would turn to light

And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
I know everything will be all right
I know everything is alright

I know you didn’t bring me out here to drown
So why am I ten feet under and upside down
Barely surviving has become my purpose
Because I’m so used to living underneath the surface

If I could just see you
Everything would be alright
If I'd see you
This darkness would turn to light

And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
I know will be all right

And I would walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
I know everything will be alright
I know everything is alright

over it

i'm so completely over everything that isn't anything. everything that is ridiculous & meaningless in the world. i'm in this deal where i'm just like...whatev. whatever You wanna do God.

God was like, "Steph I got you & I love you." & i'm all like "thanks God. i love You too."

we're totally cool with this whole...my life in His hands thing. what the heck took me so long? ha...no it's like a daily decision for me. completely.




but seriously things are coming along though.

life is absolutely beautiful.

i'm thanking God for amazing people in my life.
amazing friendships.
old ones.
new ones.





i keep meeting these people that keep reminding me that hello...i'm not alone.
these people who smile & at me & it's like a punch in my face (in a good way) assuring me that i'm still ALIVE & breathing. These little smiles & brushes against my arm. God, it feels good too. I look at them & i realize why i'm here ONE more time. to love. to pour into others as the Father floods my own heart...to the very center of my being. i love people. i can't even express.





speaking of...God punched me in the face the other night. in a LOVING-God kind of way. He reminded me that i was here to serve Him & other people...not the other way around, as many times, i am a selfish conceited _________ (you fill in the blank...with a CLEAN word. get your mind outta the gutter). but He chose to do it through the gentlest of gentleman. big surprise. the guy even had Jesus' eyes. it was totally biazarre. i wanted to like reach out & touch his shoulder as he was literally on his knees at my feet serving me. it was as if i was looking at Jesus Christ Himself in the flesh in front of me. it was all i could do to hold back from completely weeping all over the sweet guy. i know that i was looking at him with the most dumbfounded look ever probably. haha.




i've seen him several times since then & i wish that our situation would have been in reverse. it SHOULD have been the other way around. i keep wanting to fall at his feet when he walks by. haha. HE was the one that should have been sitting in my position & I on the floor at his feet.

wow. amazing.




see...just when i have completely given up hope on any guys being different from the rest...i meet several in one week & i have hope that eventually one day i'll meet my Love & he'll be unlike anyone i've ever met. oh...that'll be the day. :)

Geez. i'm such a freaking cynic though. it cracks me up sometimes.



.hope. is the light that strikes inside of me.



There's already 2 men in my life anyways...God & my daddy. they're the only men i'll ever need. haha.

nah...my prince charming will be along. i'm not worried. he's going to be unbelieveable. mark me down on that one. he's gonna have to be unbelieveable to love a girl like me. haha. just kidding. kind of. :)






.love from a servant of the only One.