Where to begin? It’s always my question. For starters….my sis & I wrote a poem a few weeks ago. This is what we came up with. It had to be in slant rhyme (whatever that means) just as Emily Dickinson & Walt Whitman wrote & well I don’t want to brag or anything, but we got a 100. Not to mention we fooled the whole class into thinking it was Dickinson. I actually wonder from time to time what my life would have been like if I had chosen to become a journalist. Anyways…here is the A+ poem, which seemed a little risky turning in to a public school system. Nonetheless, Jesus got all of the glory. Short…sweet & to the point. Enjoy:
Lying in a field of flowers-
Gazing at the sky-
Loosing track of the hour-
Watching birds fly by.
Leaves blowing in the wind-
Yellow, orange and red-
He takes me by the hand-
“Come with me,” He said.
Oh what a glorious day!
All the things He made.
He washed my pain away-
His own life He laid.
Cha-ching! I like writing songs better, but I guess I’ll take what I can get.
Today. Today. Was difficult? Wait…let me say it with confidence. Was difficult.
I have few annoyances that really make me want to lash out irrationally. But I dare say the one that annoys me the most is arrogance, vanity or egotism. Pick your choice of those 3 words. They all basically mean the same. I can’t tell you how unbelievable exhausted I am just even watching people try to live up to other people’s expectations. Watching people trying to be perfectionists. It’s like seeing a possum get hit by a car REPEATEDLY. From the outside, they look absolutely perfect, but on the inside, they’re just bleeding like everyone else. I have found that the people that actually “look like they have it together the most” do in fact, have nothing together at all. In my opinion, there may not be anything worse than me than those people who look at themselves in every bloomin reflection they just happen to walk by. I HATE that. I’m thinking in my head…. “they absolutely did NOT just fix their hair looking in that stupid metal fork.” I could write on this pesky annoyance for hours, but I will spare you. I guess my point is…I myself even need to try to stop living up to people’s expectations. Of course I care to an extent what people think about me, because I’d prefer not to be thought of a slob or what have you. Yet, I have found that I could really care less about what people say about me. Because who are they to have an opinion about someone they don’t even know? Like I’ve said before, I am the kind of person that feels an extreme importance to say what you are thinking, even if people may take it wrong. If you never did this, then what is the point of encouragement & loving someone? Loving someone means that you are going to HAVE to be vulnerable. In fact, being vulnerable is the hardest part of love I think. It is so hard to put your heart in someone else’s hands & then trust them not to break it. A lot of the time you will get hurt, but what is living if you aren’t taking any risks? I saw a sign today which read, “you miss 100% of the shots you never take.” I had heard that one before, but it’s like I actually READ it this time. How will you ever get on a personal level with someone if you don’t tell them what you’re thinking?...if you never take any risks? I never want to live my life feeling like I am missing out or as if I wished I had said something. I never want to miss out on a great friendship…a great love. I never want to have regrets.
I feel the need just like everyone else to STAND OUT. Yet in the long run, what does it matter anyways? I know what it’s like to have a ton of friends & I know what it’s like to go through those times in life where you feel like you have no one. But I’m so tired of the constant battle in my mind (like every woman in the world) of whether I’m “good enough.” Whether my butt is too big…my confidence to shaky…whether I will ever be needed by anyone. Thank you to society, media & Hollywood for wrecking my identity & my sense of self worth along with the millions of others men & women in this country. Some days I am bold & confident in who I am & others…well…you know the story.
Maybe it’s sheer jealousy, because everyone else seems to always get what I want even if I’m working hard towards it. Sometimes I guess it’s just not in the cards for me, yet this doesn’t make it any easier to watch other people live my dream. Of course I am thrilled for those who make it, but if you never learn to work hard to get where you’re going…maybe you are living your life all in vain. If you have everything handed to you, how can you ever truly know a sense of accomplishment? You’ll have no accomplishment & you grow up spoiled, inadequate & fearful that the world might tear you apart, which seems to generally happen in these situations. Things in the life are tough & somehow or another, you have to learn to stand up for yourself. A petition for love. For life. For real beauty. We need something like this. Just a little something I was thinking about.
It’s actually something I think about a lot, because I’ve always had to fight really hard for what I want. More times than not, I end up on my face, but as long as I keep getting back up, the stronger I become. But quite honestly, I’m just ready to give it all up. Screw the pressure. The pressure to be beautiful. The pressure to be rich. The pressure to have a boyfriend telling me I’m beautiful. I don’t need it. I never have. In the words of Kirsten Dunst in the movie Elizabethtown, “I don’t need an icecream cone.” To which Orlando Bloom proceeds to ask, “What’s an icecream cone?” In reply, “It’s something sweet that makes you feel good & melts in 10 minutes.” I’ve never lived my life in any of the sense of the word “normal” & the truth is I like it that way. I hate conformism…with a passion. We loose our individuality & our creativity when we conform.
Besides, I shouldn’t have to be the “substitute” for anyone. I don’t date any old Joe Smo just to have a man by my side. I refuse to be like everyone else. I am who I am. End of story. And whether I am hidden behind the shadows of those who are more beautiful, more intelligent & more outgoing than me, I am still just me. I am perfectly happy not to be in the lime light 24/7. Yeah it’s fun to be the attention. Yeah it feels good, but at the end of the day, if I have not found someone to love, my search to “be seen” or to “be known” is all in vain. I meet lots of people. I talk to people every chance that I can get & I love it. I love to listen to other people. It’s like when I talk to them I can see their souls. Maybe I love it because for a moment I can actually stop thinking about myself. I think I’d rather live my life in the realm of the unseen so that people will no longer see ME, but instead the One who lives IN ME. I would rather spend my life learning to love than spend it being just another pretty face in the crowd, who no one will remember.
God forgive me for my jealousy.
Forgive me of my attitude & judgment.
Help me to learn to love like You.
Make me beautiful.
Make me a light for Your Kingdom.
So that it is only You that is seen.
Not to us…but to Your name be the glory. -psalm 115:1
“I’m hard to remember, but I’m impossible to forget.” –elizabethtown
No comments:
Post a Comment