12/24/08

CHANGE:

recently my mind has been so jumbled. any time i slow down to take a breath, i realize how much i have changed & how much things around me have changed. as difficult as the transition was coming home for christmas, it was so desperately needed. the first few days, i though i was going to go crazy of bordum, but i'm learning to take it slow. to collect my misconstrued thoughts & life once again. carfully leaving my heart open to learn. i will admit that after almost 22 years of life, i have unknowingly put up walls around my heart. mostly due to experiences, failures & pains. where i once loved freely, i have now skeptically loved. where there was once joy & contentment, i have found myself to be bitter & angry. slowly, and i do mean slowly, my heart is being reconciled. but that's life. there are so many things that i want to see changed in my life this upcoming year. not new years resolutions per se. where most make resoutions to quit smoking, lose 50 lbs or to do those things they've been meaning to do their whole life, i will make mine otherwise. life resolutions we shall call them:

to love freely
to laugh uninhibitedly
to dream largely

i am reminded of one of my favorite bands, Jacks Mannequin. "i need light in the dark as i search for the resolution." love that song. sometimes in life you have to give up everything in order to find what you are looking for. interesting that i said what i did on my post a few blogs ago. after i wrote that, i spoke with my father. long story, but my parents have been separated for a while now. it's been so incredibly difficult for me & my sis. unfortunately my untrusting attitude towards relationships is something i deal with on a daily basis due to different factors in my life. my parents are my heros in my life. i felt somewhat hopeless since the separation. afterall, if my heros couldn't succeed at this...how could i? God's doing amazing things in my life & my family. i'm not giving up hope. still praying for restoration. anyways, back to my original story, i spoke with my dad. i had practi ally been in bed for days battling depression (which is somewhat unusual for me). and dealing with some major anxiety issues. eww...anxiety. another long story about my life i haven't filled you in on. just being completely real here. my father proceeded to as me the same exact thing that i was questioning in that blog. he asked me if i was part of the problem or the solution. & it struck a chord in my heart. for the first time in my life i realized that this situation was entirely out of my hands. nothing i can do to fix or remedy. at times, life gets so shattered. finally...i have realized that the only thing left to do is pray. not really sure why i'm spilling this, but it's around the holiday time & this is somewhat how my thought process looked this holiday season. but dad's here. christmas will be enjoyable nonetheless.

♥