people

People everywhere are the same. People are people no matter where you go. With every day that pases I realize this more & more...

on ruts

i just got out of an intense meeting & i am stuck in the most unfortunate rut of all time. i thought my previous ruts were something. i was wrong. i handled the situation calmly but now im not feeling too good. one day maybe all the hard work & tears will pay off. not today. but maybe someday. life is full of unfortuate setbacks. but i am learning that the only thing that really matters is that you never stop fighting

question

Does tolerance lead to acceptance & when does open mindedness become compromise?

winter solstice reading list

*the orphaned anything: stephen christian
*blue like jazz: donald miller
*the shack: william p. young
*twlight series: stefenie meyer


love this song:

on missing the point

USA 60sec add from Hillsong United on Vimeo.

what holds me back from this?
me. only me.




when watch these, i remember once again who i am.

i lose sight of it so easily.

THIS. is who i am.

this is what i love.

this is what i live for.

now...my dream.

MUST become reality.

simple revelations

God just gave me this simple revelation. Some things in life are important. Some things simply aren't. Life is all about discerning between the two.


not gonna lie. i have a hard time with that.

november 18

What I do know.
Is that I miss you.
Sometimes I still feel you.
Sometimes I close my eyes.
And hear you breathing on my neck.
I still taste your kiss on my lips.
And dream that you’re lying next to me.
Waking up without you doesn’t feel right.
And falling asleep alone feels so cold.
Will we ever drop our defenses?
Will we ever learn to love?
When you see me.
Will you pass by without a single glance?
Or will you ask me to dance again?
Time passes so quickly.
But when we’re apart.
Time passes oh so slow.
I’m dreaming of our eyes meeting again.
To be in your arms again.
Is the only thing I’ve ever really wanted.

november 15

I think I’m going to cry. Ok probably not. But if I cried ever…I think I’d be crying right now. I’m not entirely sure why. Life has been wearing on my lately. The build up of discomfort is now catching up I suppose. I have much on my mind lately. I wish that I were at liberty to tell all on here. Although, this is partly a diary if you will, there are certain things I mustn’t discuss on the world wide web. I am an open minded & honest person, but for the discretion of the other “party” I fear I must keep my mouth closed. In the words of the famous film, Titanic, “a woman’s heart is an ocean full of secrets.” I guess I can understand that. I’ll just discuss the best I can given the circumstance & keep the rest…well…“a secret”.

Ok. Here goes. I’ll shoot as straight as possible.

I should never be a product of disrespect.
Ever ever ever.
Used for selfish disconnected relations.
The self-indulgent ways another.
Is never an excuse for me to also be self-indulgent.
Despite my insecurities and my lack of self control.
My determination to be accepted.
Loved.
I’m never not obligated to love another.
To be selfless.
My emotions/feelings.
Open up my life to new realms.
Yet.
These are not in control of me.
I deserve respect.
The love from someone.
Who is worthy of my love in return.
Who is one who will fight for me.
Be a refuge in my time of weakness.
Hold me through wearisome times.
With no intention of anything in return.
One who will let me rest my head on his chest.
Wipe away my tears when I cry.
What I do not need.
Is one who will walk out on me.
One who takes all that I can give.
And more.
And leaves me on the corner of the street.
In the pouring rain.
Alone.



This has been a tough lesson in my life. But a necessary one. I am still in process of understanding my self worth. Luckily, there is one Man who fits my descriptions. He shows me what love is. I push aside His words so many many many times. Yet, He loves. He fights for me.



This my friends.
Is love.



He brings Beauty from my pain.

My ugly, broken, tattered heart.
Bruised.
And beaten from within.
Broken.
Tired heart.


Is tied together with One who’s heart never grows weary.

november 12

November. Oh how chilly you are! Although I must admit anything less than 75 degrees is frigid to me. I love the heat & for weeks now have been asking myself where summer went. Sadly it hasn’t really dipped below the 60’s yet. Oh my…what a winter I am in for. Although winter does have its perks. I will not pretend that it doesn’t.

As of tomorrow, it will be 2 weeks away from my beautiful Florida. A somewhat painful 2 weeks at times. Florida left me with many resolutions. Thank God for that. Yet, Florida always leaves me wanting more. I fear that I am having an affair. A full out affair. Yet I don’t care who knows it. I love Florida. Even if Florida may not be my best option. Nor the relationship that we have, the healthiest. But it’s simple really. It’s easy. It’s quick. The most probable word may be: tactful. And surprisingly, it’s the way I prefer it. No dilly dally. No run around. Straight forward. And to the point. But this often gets me into loads of trouble.

No. There were no hidden messages with a variety of interchangeable words that I am not at liberty to entirely speak freely about in that last paragraph. I have no idea what you’re talking about. Cough?

Aside from that, I have much to say. But as usual I’m tired seeing as the majority of my writing takes place during the wee hours of the night. I should work on that. I’ll do my best to fill in the blanks later. There is much on my heart.



Ciao.

november 2

Rating: PG (language content)

Hello November. It’s me again. Back from florida. Back from ‘home’. What a wonderful time I had. I can’t even describe. Everything I wanted out of the trip I got. Between my best friends & I, we were never not at a party. A few nights ago, one of my besties & I were standing outside in her driveway as I said, “this entire week has been a kick ass party”. She laughed. Agreed. And I realized how much I miss my friends. 3 out of my 6 best friends currently live in florida. Can you believe that my life is so blessed I have literally 6 best friends? most people are lucky in their lives if they end up with a single best friend. and I have 6. :) unbelievable. I think I might have slept a total of 4 hours the whole trip & lost about 5 pounds, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I met some wonderful new friends. some that I will never ever forget. and caught up with some old ones. Put into full swing some relationships I had already begun that I had been hoping to accelerate. There can be nothing better than being with the ones you love. Questions that I had in my mind for years were answered. I need not to ever wonder “what if.” The refreshment I needed came. I am still facing many decisions, but I feel prepared to face life with confidence.


There were a lot of ‘firsts’ for me this week. For example. I am 22 years old. For the first time in my life I was stung by a bee a few days ago while enjoying the company of my friends over some starbucks. It hurt like hell. But well, its life. and sometimes it hurts. Many more memorable moments happened this week. A few tears were shed for the parting of my friends & I, but when I stop to think about my life…i could never change it. I would keep the heartache & the pain. It has only made me who I am today. I have no regret. I will love. Even if when I wake up, I am alone. Being there this week has however made me realize that I am never alone. Even when it seems as so. Goodbyes always pull at my heart, but one thing is for certain. I realize how many people I love. And that without them I would be nothing.


Love is a word that I hardly knew the meaning of. Now I am starting to understand.


My fears. My failures. Are nothing in comparison to Your Love.


Also for the first time in my life. I realize. How I am able to do anything. There are no limitations on my life. The only limitations I have are the ones I put on myself. I am strong. I am confident. I am independent. I am free. I can accomplish anything my heart want. I can become exactly who I want to be. By pushing forward. By never ever ever giving up.



You need me less than I need you. –the fray

october 15

Life.

Life is full of decisions.
Questions.
Doubts.
Laughter.
Adventures.
Life is life.

My life is mine. The decisions I make in my life will affect my life in one way or another. With some bigger than others. As a recent college grad, you can imagine the decisions that I am facing. For some reason I never hear people in situations such as mine talk about their decisions. Perhaps that is because most people who graduate from college go directly to their vocation in which they were specifically trained for. But me, on the other hand, has about a million options. My field of study was so broad that I could do virtually anything. Doctor, teacher, researcher, vet…ect…you name it, I am probably qualified in one way or another. Biology was rough, but the reason I chose it was for the very reason that I knew the immense amount of choices I would have when I got out. Everyone who is not me seems to be envious of my options, but I on the other hand have a hard time seeing the benefits. Not so much that I have a hard time seeing the benefits, but my indecisiveness is detrimental to my decision making process. God. I just don’t even know what to do. I don’t know what I want. I mean I know. But I don’t. I don’t even make sense. I’m fully aware of that. I feel exhausted & have no reason to feel exhausted. I think it maybe is called mental exhaustion. I just have a lot on my mind.

I leave for Florida next Friday. In exactly a week. I’m so happy I could literally start crying. I might actually. I miss it beyond words. Although I must admit I’m slightly nervous about it. I don’t know what to expect. At the same time I’m trying not to get my hopes up that it will be a “certain” way, because I don’t want to be disappointed. Sheesh…am I cynical much?

Well whatever. I know things won’t be the same as when I left. The whole point of the trip honestly…is to have a little time to myself. To reflect. Sort out. Hopefully get a little revelation as to what I want to do next. To see my best friends whom I miss terribly. I just pray that I come back with a little glimpse as to where in the world my life is headed. I need some refreshment. Some clarity. So that I can think straight. Hopefully this trip will bring that. I have been looking forward to this trip ever since I left. Ever since I walked out that door, got in my car, looked in the rear view & cried for 8 hours straight.

I feel like I am just now starting to dream again. I feel like I had lost sight of my dreams for quite a while. Finally I am starting to envision my life into something greater.

Right now it is all about what path to take. I have many to choose from. All which lie in front of me. Do I take the job I was offered? Non related to my field of study as a temporary source of income living at home. Do I go back to school to get my masters? Therefore, loaning more money to go back to school & live but getting a higher education in the long run making it easier to pay off. And if so, at home or start somewhere else? Do I fulfill that lifelong dream of becoming a doctor?

Do I sell everything I have? Become a missionary?

Haha. I would like to lean towards the last one honestly.

It’s not like I am stuck with just one choice. At some point in my life they may all tie together. Perhaps not. Perhaps one season of life will be one thing & the next another. Recently I have wanted to be a writer. And a musician. Where in the heck. Mostly I think my problem is that I want to do everything. I want to experience everything. and go on every adventure life can throw at me. I’m young & unhindered. Can you blame me?

But in the meantime, while I am trying to decide which one to do first I am sitting on my rear at home. Not excited about that.

Maybe it’s time. Time for change. Time to grow up. To throw fear out the window. & just jump.




…now THAT’S a definite possibility.

september 27

Here I am. Finding myself on the dear ol’ blogspot. And as usual somewhat unsure as what to say. All I know is that I want to say something. Without meaning to sound like a depressant….i feel so alone right now. Life has a funny way of changing things & this change has brought about a feeling of loneliness. I miss the things that were. I know, however that it is pointless to reminisce on the past because the past has come & gone. never to return again. I did take a little trip down memory lane for a while tonight. Not sure entirely what brought it about. Perhaps it was listening to “the song” that “he” gave to me oh so very long ago. The only boy I’ve ever loved. Or at least I think I loved. But what do I know of love? We were so young. Those so far have been the best days. I remember being incandescently happy. Laughing constantly. That’s all. I miss that feeling. I miss feeling safe. Happy. Vulnerable. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be like that again. I remember not being able to breathe when I saw him & never wanting to leave his arms. This phase in my life was short lived. Shorter than I wanted to see it. he was there & in a glimpse gone. I have never been so open, so free & so strong in my entire life. I hope love one day finds its way back to me. I miss everything about it. except of course the ending. In which I cried myself to sleep every night for about 6 months. Well you know how the story goes. Not a day went by where I didn’t think of him. Then weeks would go by. Then months. To virtually never now. Except for days like today. I miss my best friend. and the hardest part is not being able to tell him. Times have changed. We have changed. Moving on is all we have left with a memory that is slowly fading from my mind.

There you have it friends. I feel like I now have no friends…but whatever. At least not many real friends. and the only real friends I have live currently 8 hours away from me. I never get to see them. Sad. BUT…I will get to in 3 weeks because I’m going down. Thank God. I am trying not to have any expectations for florida. When I get there, I’m gonna try to take it easy. Not worry too much about who’s where & who’s doing what…but instead simply just being. Letting whatever happens happen. This will be difficult. Apparently I think my fate is in my hands & I suppose most of the time it is. But at the same time…sometimes I just have to be & let life happen. And hopefully this time I won’t cry nearly as much as I did last time when I left. That was embarrassing. Haha. But I do miss it. I miss continual friendship & encouragement. I miss parties. I miss life.

Ochem is over. I passed. Praise Him. Now the time has officially come. The next phase in life. I am scared to death. What do I want? What do I do? I have no idea. I’ve never felt so lost in all my life. Only time will tell I suppose.

Time.
Something that I never want to wish away.
Something that I never want to kill.
Because we have so little of it.
Time is all we’ve got.

I’ve been wondering all day what I would do if I wasn’t so afraid. I’ve put so many limitations on myself. It’s time. Time to let go. Time to change. Time to move on. Maybe will be difficult but that’s life. and it’s beautiful.



Goodnight lovers.

september 20

Is it really September 20th? I am in complete denial…with Christmas just around the corner & fall on its way. crazy. I love summer, but as with everything…life brings around change. Leaves changing colors. Cooler weather. As much as I despise cold weather, it will be nice to finally bundle up in warm blankets & sip on hot tea I suppose. It’s thundering right now as I type this. I’m a huge fan of thunderstorms. Only at night though. And I love falling asleep to the sound of rain. What I would love even more is a tin roof. Speaking of changes. Thursday I take my final exam. I thought the day would never come. Now the majority of my time has been spent thinking about & studying for the test that I have to make a 56 on in order to pass. Sounds easy enough right? Yeah well…it’s harder than you might think. But I will not give up. I will never give up. When it is finished what a relief that will be! I can’t even describe.

To fill you in on other things…last week was virtually hell. Just be glad I didn’t blog on last week. After the week was over, I felt indescribably unlady like & finally broke down. I’m now not afraid to admit that I do in fact need a swear jar. I used to be so good about that…now…not so much. Ok maybe I’m not that bad. I just need it in angry situations. I’m just very glad that a new week has arrived. Another chance to get things right. To start over new. Thank God for new beginnings.

I really don’t have a lot to say at the moment. I’m ready to take a deep breath on Thursday for the first time in 10 weeks. Maybe give myself a little time to pull myself back together. Sort things out. Life has been really crazy, confusing & stressful lately. I know that I need some time in order to make some important life decisions. Decision making is definitely not one of my most favorite things, but I know that it must be done. I never want to not be moving forward.

My mind has been a little cloudy & my heart a little bruised & tattered. But with all things…I am sure I will sort things out with time. The journey through the wilderness alone hasn’t been easy by any means, but I am certain I will make it out.

florida

here i am. home. florida. friends. sun. i love this. i love life.

jesus keeps whispering that He loves me in my ear.
he keeps showing me through the lives of my friends (i.e.family) here that he loves me.
it is a good feeling resting in the peace of Jesus.

dreams

i have been dreaming more clearly now than i have in quite a while. it feels good. my heart is starting to reinvent & return to the purity i once obtained. i don't know what life holds for me. i don't know what my next move will be. however...i feel confident of my calling. (isaiah 41) this keeps echoing in my heart. i will change the world. make a difference in my own surroundings. and those outside of it. i will start a revolution. continue dreaming. because a visionary...that is what i am. and what i will always be. but dreams are useless without action. we must learn to be...i must learn to be a person of action. that is my next move.

gratitude

I am so thankful to have a family & friends that believe in me even when I don't believe in myself.

8.30

Blogging…is like my psychologist. So is running. Both are cheaper than paying someone to tell me what I already know. So I forfeit & go with the flow. It’s 12:30 am. It doesn’t feel like it. I feel like I could go out dancing. I’ve felt pretty good lately. Sleeping ridiculously well (maybe even a little too much). and exercising religiously…daily. Physically i’m feeling excellent. Definitely a good feeling. That’s not something that everyone can say, so I feel wonderful to be healthy & young. mentally? Uh…ok. you know I can’t say excellent, but I’m surviving. Ochem definitely puts a strain on my mental state. Although I have figured out that I have only 4 weeks of the torture left. I keep staring at my calendar thinking maybe the days will go by faster if I do that. Ironically I got a job offer yesterday. The company is supposed to follow up with me at some point this week, so we’ll see what happens. Kinda crazy. it seems to me that it is “all about who you know”. Anyway I already occasionally work for this guy, but this would actually be for his company which I am quite certain he owns due to the million dollar home that he has, that I also nanny in. anyways, we will see. i really don’t have anything else to say at the moment. Kind of a boring post & for that I must apologize. But life has its ups. It’s downs. It’s in betweens. I guess we could just call this the in-between. I think that most of the time life is in the in-between. What do you think?

.cheers.

august 23

Here we are once again. you & I together. My writing has virtually ceased to exist since the beginning of my organic chem adventures. Part one is completed. Now on to part two. 5 more weeks. Bring on the pain. I feel as though it will never end. Although part of me is a little scared for it to be over with another huge change staring right in my face. what path will I take? That question I can’t answer which makes me rather anxious.

I am so looking forward to October. I am certain of that. I am going back to florida in October to visit my friends, “family”, my home for the past 3 years. It has felt weird not returning there this year. I miss it so almost to the point of homesickness at times. I can’t however say whether I would be happy there or not. My heart somewhat aches for that, yet in my heart, I know that things will never be the same again. My insatiability has been driving me crazy lately. sometimes I wonder if I will fully be happy anywhere. I have been wanting so badly lately to find my “niche”. To find that one place of rest. Peace. To find the place where I truly feel needed. The place that feels like home. Comfort.

What will the next year bring? Will my clouded mind & my fear keep me from dreaming? From following my heart? or will I surpass all of these things to chase after the only Thing that matters? Will I learn to trust in the One bigger than myself? Will I find my place?

Will this time of climbing up this mountain alone turn into a long slow unforgettable satisfying walk home with my hand in the hand of another? These are questions I ask myself. The latter I have been asking myself most lately. Being disappointed one after another leaves a little sting (ok big)…but it only points me one step closer to “you”.

my guarded heart & nervous hands would make it hard for anyone to reach me. gentle persistence & patience may be the only remedy. I keep waiting but he never comes to save me. what I had in my hands left me settling. My heart knew it and nothing has ever felt so comfortable in all of my life. giving up the simple dream of him is difficult enough in itself. Saying goodbye has never been my strong suit.

But love is love. What is here is here & what is not is not, making the nonexistent seem like a fairy tale. And the tangible…the only option.





Cheers.



“ive got a perfectly normal heart. bruised & broken from within. At times I don’t know where to start to let you in here.” –Copeland

sleep

Sleeping is one of my most favorite things in the entire world. Studies have shown that we sleep 1/3 of our lives. I am convinced that I will probably have slept 2/3 of my life away. I'm virtually a dead beat if I don't get at least 9-10 hours a night. I wish I was sleeping right now...

l5p

I just got back from l5p in atl. Much different than what I had expected. Much. Some amazing vintage shops. I am always being accused of being part hippie. Though I don’t look it often, my preference is to dress “vintagey” or urban if you will. I’ve always been the girl with the long hair. Often in braids & head bands. Wearing peace signs, holding them up promoting freedom & what not. Never was into the drug scene which I guess would push me arguably the other direction, since that tends to be characteristic.

My disclaimer on this blog is that I will not tell you one way or another my stance on drugs. The purpose of this blog is neither to bash drug users nor to promote them. Take my words for what they are. I have a lot of friends that are currently or have been into the hard drug scene; therefore, I am not one to judge them. I care about the general well being of all my friends. I love them, yet I will allow them to make their own decisions & no matter what the outcome may be, I will always be there for them. I do my best at clinging tight to my belief that life is a gift that can be taken from us in an instant. That is my disclaimer. Now maybe you can listen to my story with an open heart.

Going to l5p, you have to have a free heart. An open mind if you will. If you don’t have an open mind, you will drown in the place. The place will either leave you scowling or it will leave your eyes open to the things around you. Perhaps give you an appreciation for what people go through. The latter was my experience. Many times I worry that my tolerance for things will eventually lead to my acceptance…like tolerance often does. Yet, at the same time, my experiences have only led me to the discovery of myself. It forces me to question who I am. And that question I am still in search of.

I can honestly say that I have not been around a scene such as l5p before. Perhaps it has been my somewhat sheltered life. I remember very little about the heaps of marijuana in Antigua other than the nauseating smell & the pitch black night. I also remember the same nauseating smell at the concert I was at a few weeks ago due to the large amounts within a small area. I have lived with drug users & abusers. I have sat also sat up at night praying to God that they would come back safely due to ignorance & irresponsibility of their drug use. I have lived in a small capacity with the worry that they would not come back. This time in my life was very short lived, but I’m sure it will not be the only experience in my life such as this.

Honestly it took me a while to get used to being downtown in this spot. Parts of it I loved. I love anything that is different. That goes against the status quo. I hate conformism. Just as everyone else claims to hate. A nice man with a guitar played me a song. Musicians line the streets with their instruments hoping to earn a little money. For what? I have no idea. Alcohol & drugs? Most likely. But the honest to God truth is that I don’t really care what they are using it for. All I care about is loving people & showing them the Truth. Showing them the Light…the best that I possibly know how. It reminded me of new york. I’ve never been to new york, but I imagine that musicians in new york must be something like that.

I also met another boy. Thin, yet attractive. Taller. A little dirty, yet stylish. Kind of a little bit of punk rocker looking I suppose. As I rounded the corner that most of the “druggies” sit at in bulk I peer over to my left & there he is. Lanky. Smiling with one of the biggest grins I’ve ever seen. And waving like a mindless idiot. Making it virtually impossible for me not to smile & wave back. From this stage he proceeded to tell me about his large amount of pcp intake & that he wanted to make out with me. I am 22 years old. I thought I had heard every line in the book. I was wrong. Haha. I laughed embarrassingly loud & I shook my head assuring him that I was not interested & continued on my way. Bless his heart…but I have been thinking about that boy all night. I have been thinking about the majority of people I ran into tonight. I am thinking about those homeless men lying on the street with nothing. My concern isn’t so much about their drug use to the point of it overtaking their lives. Instead I suppose it should be about the condition of their souls. Most of me wonders what in their lives drove them to an option such as this? How much pain must a person endure before they give up the fight for life? It reminds me of a song I heard earlier. I wish I could remember the lyrics, but I think it said something like… “whoever told you that life wasn’t worth the fight was lying.” I don’t really know if those were the words, but you get my drift.

The change that needs to take place in my very own life seems overwhelming to me most days. My cold heart needs to change so much that I know that I can not do it alone. Only the God of the universe. The Creator of my very soul can heal my wounded heart. Can clear my clouded mind. Most days go by & I don’t even think about Him. I then feel shamed that I can’t even make time for the most important aspect of my life. This in turn I feel has accounted for the majority of my confusion. I have let society dictate who I am. I have let society tell me that I am not good enough. Not thin enough. Not beautiful enough. & so on & so on.

I so desperately want to be a woman of character. A woman who puts God first. Yet why is it that I am always filling up my life with everything but Him? Why is the only stable unchanging thing in my life the only thing that I put on the backburner? These are the questions that I ask myself. Why is it that He loves me so much to the point of death & I forget Him? My relationship with Him has been hanging by a mere thread. Honestly I’m tired of living like that. I’m tired of living with doubt. In my heart I know the Truth, yet the world tears at me. It makes me question who I am. Certainty is something that I ache for in a world that is so incredibly uncertain. And certainty can only be found in Him.

My mom & I were on our way to get our car to go home when I said, “all of these people are just living to die.” Living to die. Think about it. Eat a sandwich & ponder it again.

I don’t just want to live to die. If we are all just living to die, then what’s the point of living at all? I want to live…to truly live. I want to live to ache for other people. I want to live to ache for His heart. These are the things that recently I have forgotten. I have lost sight of my passion in life. I have unfortunately lost sight of His heart. I haven’t heard His voice speaking to me in so long. Solely on account of the fact that I haven’t been listening to it. I miss Him. I miss His voice. I miss my certainty. So many things in my life have seemingly fallen apart. But I must trust. Trust that He will restore my life. my heart. my entire life.

I realize that veered slightly from my original story, but those are the things that needed to be said. I walked past that boy I was telling you about once more. As I had already passed he yelled out something to this extent… “do you want to adopt a hippie!?!” of course referring to himself.

Well…you know what?

I think that I would actually love that.


I think that I would love to adopt a hippie.
I think that I would love to adopt a druggie.
I think I would love to adopt a homeless person.
I think I would love to adopt a prostitute.
I think I would love to adopt an alcoholic.

I just love to love.
Just like my Jesus does.
He teaches me how.

Despite circumstance.
Despite pain, discomfort, fear.
In the midst of judgement.
In the midst of shame.
Love.

As He whispers in my ear… “And the greatest of these is love.”


I choose love.
Because He first loved me.


Tonight I went into this store called “earthtones.” A rasta who reminded me of my time that I spent in the caribbean made me a beautiful bracelet which is now one of my favorites. It’s very urban, hippy, bohemian (pick your choice of word)…it fits my style perfectly. It is a thin band of leather painted brown with black edges. Engraved in the center is the word LOVE. That’s what I asked for, but little did I know the implication it would have for the night. My sister surprised me with it later on that night. I didn’t realize that I was actually going to get one. Being the simplistic mind that I am, I wanted the word love on it & nothing else. My sister asked the man to do what ever he thought would look good. Thankfully, there were no sissy looking hearts next to it. Instead there were 3 beautiful sideways “s” looking symbols on each side of the word love. It turned out perfectly. When I wear it, hopefully it will always remind me of tonight. & the love that I feel in my heart for people. For the brokenhearted. The Lord clearly gave me the specific scripture in Isaiah. Chapter 61:1-4. He gave that to me many years ago as the calling that He has placed upon my life.

I know why.

:)


“if grace is an ocean we’re all sinking.” –john mark mcmillian

7.2

July 2, 2009


July. I listened to my favorite Christmas song ‘baby it’s cold outside’ today. I guess it was that whole Christmas in July mentality. I have no idea what happened.

The beginning of this week was rather treacherous to grit my teeth through. Not sure why. Just the uncertainty of life I suppose. That darn uncertainty creeps up on my every now & again. Sometimes to the point of debilitation. Fear can be the most debilitating, asinine thing ever. It always gets in my way. On the other hand, speaking my mind is one of the most liberating feelings, specifically in relationships. I mean, sure…maybe I’m a little outspoken in relationships, but I refuse to wish that I would have said something that I didn’t. It often results in that feeling that I am an idiot for saying it, but I don’t know…I still find it somewhat refreshing that I am confident enough to express myself.

Life is something I may never figure out. So I should stop trying. I am thoroughly convinced (as of today) that life is not nearly as hard as we make it out to be. I am still finding who I am. I am also convinced that the answer is right in front of me. I have known the answer all along, but I still insist on looking everywhere else. Why is that?

There are many changes I need to make within my own life. So many I have decided that in fact it seems to be somewhat overwhelming.

Speaking of overwhelming. Class starts in like 10 days. Boo. But when it is over my friends…when it is over. I will be one happy girl. (I hope)

I have already decided that after my Organic II final is over in September, I am going on a small sabbatical in the beautiful town of Lakeland, Florida. The only home I have known for the past 3 years. I have decided, provided everything work out, that I will stay there until I am darn good & ready to return. Hopefully by then I will have a slightly better idea as to what I am going to do. Only time will tell.

This Sunday, I am spending 5 days with one of my best friends in sunny Destin. I love the beach. I love sunshine. & I love my besties. And as much as I complain about it, I love the heat. My complaining is just to fill in the silence. I do love the warm weather. Especially because my hands are always freezing. Of course the boys are the only ones other than me that notice that. They never seem to let me live that down for some reason.

I miss so many things right now. I miss Florida so much. I miss my accountability. I miss my best friends. I miss dressing up hoping that I will see that cute boy. Haha. It sounds stupid, but I do. I miss the coffeehouse. I miss running at Lake Hollingsworth. I miss the sun. I miss the pressure of schoolwork. I miss climbing to the top of Mitchell’s only to be scared out of my mind that I was going to fall off the top or get drug away to jail for trespassing. I miss adventures with ‘the family.’ I miss continual smiles & encouragement. I miss teachers who we complained about because they had no idea what they were doing. I miss late night trips to Wally World with intense outfits on. I miss the sunsets over the lake. I miss stilettos, cobblestones, & sore ankles. I miss a lot of things. Those things are just a memory. Things that I will never forget. A lot of them, I will perhaps never get back which saddens me. On the other hand, I know…there are great things to come.

There’s a lot I want to say. A lot I could say. But I’m somewhat tired. I think that I will retire for the night.

Until later.

Cheers.

7.12

Hi. It’s me.
I can recap real quick.
I have no internet, hence the reason I never write to you anymore.
Organic I & lab start tomorrow. Yes….can you hear my sarcasm?
Then on to part II. 10 weeks total. Then I’m 100% done. Diploma in hand.
Ready to take on the world. I will do this. I will succeed. & I will do it with a smile on my face even when it’s painful.
I will be brave & I will conquer.
Other than that…nothing much to report.
That is the biggest thing on my mind right now.

And “you” of course.
The “you” I haven’t been able to shake since I left sunny florida.
I can’t explain it.
The fleeting glimpse of whatever it was that we had still lingers in my mind.
It was the nothingness that we had that made me fall so hard.
It was completely impulsive.
I’m rarely impulsive.
But…somehow entirely satisfying.
I don’t know.
All I know is that I miss him.
And I feel juvenile for even saying that.
Simply because he probably hasn’t thought twice about me.
Sometimes I wonder why things can’t be different.
Why can’t you be here with me?
Or me there with you?
Is it sheer separation?
Or is it the fact of knowing that I want something I can’t have.
Both.
That’s what I say.
You know me.
I always wear my heart on my sleeve.
It has been all I can do to keep my big mouth shut.
I’ve tried talking myself out of it.
But…you can’t help who you love.

Oh you know. That crazy little thing called love.
Love…sigh.
focus steph focus!
Organic organic organic!!!!

“sweet darling. This is my confession to the crimes of wanting you badly. And darling if you’re wondering. Here’s you’re answer. Yes I like you. I don’t love you. I can’t love you. or at least I do not think I do…” –between the trees

so goodnight my love.

life is precious

I'm about to skip around a lot. Simply because I'm exhausted & I'm on my blackberry. A few quick thoughts. Compassion is my strong suit. When His heart aches...my heart aches. Im home. And by home I mean my hometown. I guess this small one horse town always will be. The stars are beautiful here. I forgot how much I love the mountains. I am back for a trip that was rather difficult. My dearest memaw went to be with Jesus on tuesday. What an overwhelming feeling. I'm so strong it drives me crazy sometimes. My father & I are alike in mannerisms. We often get misjudged. But I'm not even sure why I'm bringing that up. God I love my parents. My dad had the coolest vision the other day about memaw. A full out vision. I was so excited to hear about it & so glad she is no longer in pain. It feels good to be home. To see family. I swear 3 billion people told me I was beautiful today. A girl can never hear that enough! Anyways, I have been questioning my convictions lately. I know the Truth of course. Even when I don't see feel or hear Him, I know He's always there. He calls me even when I question & doubt him. He loves me beyond what I even can fathom. Life is precious. O

The Invitation

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

on missing you

6.24.09



I miss your beautiful eyes.
You’re hand on my waist pulling me close.
Walking in the autumn air under a blanket of stars.
I remember the first time we met.
Catching glances across the room.
Speechless.
We never cared what anyone thought.
Dancing with our feet leading the way.
My nervous heart beating fast.
And your breath on my neck.
The paralyzing feeling of your touch.
I miss the glimmer of what once was.
The picture I have of you smiling at me.
Replays in my mind.
Like a dream that is unending.
How do I go on without you?
How can I go back to being alone?
You’re my hope.
My only downfall.
Won’t you please be my escape?

<3 me

:::::

Love & Theft:

It’s been a long week.
I’ve got a slow leak in my left front tire.
I’m sick of where I work.
My boss is such a jerk.
Don’t care if I get fired.
My back’s about to break.
No money in the bank.
She don’t call me anymore.
I’m down to my last drink.
It’s time to sell my things.

And pack my bags.
And never look back.
Run a parallel line with the railroad tracks.
And make my getaway.
Put the pedal to the metal.
As the sun goes down.
Leave everybody sleeping.
In this sleepy town tonight.
At the break of day.
I’ll be your runaway.

A hundred miles in.
I got a stupid grin.
On my scruffy face.
With every cigarette.
I’m burning my regrets.
Don’t wanna leave a trace.
And from my rear view.
I’ve got a clear view.
Of who I used to be.
A little bit faster now.
Don’t wanna turn around.

I’m gonna pack my bags.
And never look back.
Run a parallel line with the railroad tracks.
And make my getaway.
Put the pedal to the metal.
As the sun goes down.
Leave everybody sleeping.
In this sleepy town tonight.
At the break of day.
I’ll be your runaway.

It’s crazy I know.
To count on this road to give me what I need.
But with every state line.
Somehow I find.
Another part of me.

I’m gonna pack my bags.
And never look back.
Run a parallel line with the railroad tracks.
And make my getaway.
Put the pedal to the metal.
As the sun goes down.
Leave everybody sleeping.
In this sleepy town tonight.
And at the break of day.
I’ll be your runaway.

6.20

June 20.

I am in denial. June is almost over. 3 more weeks & I begin what I have been dreading for the entire 4 years of my college career. I have 2 words for you…organic chemistry. 10 weeks of sheer…well, you fill in the blanks. Although I hope it is not nearly as bad as I am expecting. I have chosen to put myself through parts 1 & 2 of organic in a 10 week session. No breaks. Yes…I have completely lost it. I am so nervous & I haven’t even gotten there yet. The word intensity may bring on a brand new meaning in my life. When the 10 weeks are completed, I will however feel invincible I imagine. I have decided to attempt to put my life into perspective over this next week or so. Perhaps clear up some confusion within my own thought process. Some would call it a sabbatical I suppose. I have my future ahead of me. an open book with plank pages. But what will I write there? This transition in m life has been immensely difficult. The fear of the unknown, yet the excitement of the adventure. Goals…I want to have them, but setting realistic ones is more the issue. September (the end of my undergraduate career) will be here in the blink of an eye. I keep praying/hoping that there will be some kind of divine intervention from God between now & then. I need clarity & direction. Although I feel undeserving of it due to my lack of relationship with Him recently. What is it that I want to do with my life? I have asked myself a million times at least. Yet, I still have not come up with an answer. Other than the fact that my family is in Atlanta, I have no desire to be here really. I love it. I love the city lights. Yet, I feel that I would be fine without it. sure a little of my heart is here. But sometimes I feel the need to start over. I feel homeless at times. Somewhat like a vagabond. Part of me wants to go back to Florida, but even if I did, things would never be the same as it once was. My friends are there, yet even they, after time, will move on. I mustn’t move there on account of the. On account of that boys charming smile I can’t get out of my head….as an escape from my problems here. Because surely they will follow me there. I am completely & utterly lost. it makes sense to move back. Where my church family is. Where I have accountability & a sense of freedom. But must I do it alone? Is it the most realistic option for me? where would I work & where would I live? Should I go back to school? The latter is what I am contemplating most. Med school…my life long dream now seems to fade like a cloud in the distance. Why is that? Is it lack of motivation? Fear? I don’t know. Should I shoot for a masters? Even if then, what will I do? Too many questions. That can’t be answered. I am forced to take it one day at a time. Trusting God has never been so difficult. Summer shows herself every year by giving me more time to think. She makes me question once again who I am. What am I fighting for? Who will I become? All I know is that I don’t want to sit back & watch life/ opportunities pass me by. I don’t’ want to rule out the possibility of moving back to Florida simply because I am afraid I will be alone. Nor do I want to rule out the possibility of going anywhere else due to fear. I keep hearing that line from the moving The Notebook repeat in my head. When Noah asks Allie a screams “What do you want! Stop thinking about what everyone else wants! What do YOU want!?!”

I feel stuck. For the time being I am here in this place. Finishing organic is next on my list. One day at a time. That’s all.

This is what I am devising from life:


-take one day at a time.
-I am in fact in charge of my own happiness.
-life throws you punches. Sometimes while you’re still on the ground. Get up anyways.
-love is found in the most unlikely of places.
-simple living is the only way to live.
-live for today & regret nothing.
-never give up or stop dreaming.
-think outside of the box.
-take time to listen.
-God loves me more than I think he does & is not nearly as mad at me as I think He is.
-I have to do what’s best for me. not worry about what everyone else says. Afterall…this is my life & I’ve only got one chance to live it.
-things are never as they seem.
-with change always comes growth. And the worse it hurts, the more you grow. (good news for me)
-silence is ok.
-saying something of substance is often the simplest phrase.
-my life can & will change the world.
-every day I have the opportunity to reach someone. To love.
-Love is the greatest gift. “all we need is love love love.” –the beatles
-hope is what drives us to be better. To live. To breath. And to keep moving forward.
-life in itself is an adventure. There’s no going back. Only looking ahead. And plunging headfirst into the unknown despite what fears & discouragement may come along.
-speaking your mind is one of the most liberating feelings.
-I don’t have to decide to day what I am going to do 30 years from now. All I have to do is choose what I will do today.
-perseverance is one of the most important traits. No one is innately born with perseverance. It must be practiced over & over again.
-disappointments last for a season. Learn to let go. Move on.
-there are few people in my life that are actually true friends. and I’ve got to hold on to them for dear life.
-I am not bound by statistics.
-hope…sometimes that I will attain only by dreaming.

This is the beginning stages of my summer thinking. More to come…

june 19

I would like to write something profound. Endearing. Maybe even something a little contentious. I haven’t decided what that is yet. That could be a slight problem. During the day I may have a million profound things to say, but by time I sit down to write them I have forgotten them all. Maybe I will think of something intellectually stimulating within the next week.

This weekend I spent 4 days in a mansion to say the least. I nanny-ed for a couple & had a blast taking care of their daughter. A handful nonetheless, but the Lord blessed me so much with that job. Young people & children are my passion, so it honestly seems less like a job & more like a calling. I made a pocketful of money which was needed beyond what you can understand.

I laughed at realizing how much of a minimalist I am. Simple could probably describe me to the core. Although I many times feel myself struggling with discontentment, it really doesn’t take much to please me. I realized that the simpler my life is, the happier I am. I love my friends, my family. I love the simple things in life. Of course having nice things is great too, I have found that often the things that are the most expensive in life are the things that ironically have the least value to me. The ‘free’ things in life are what are most valuable to me. They are the things that I treasure the most in my heart. Friends. Family. Love. Little flowers. Dancing. Walking with you under a starlit sky.

My list could go on. Forever probably. The simple things are what bring me the most joy in life. People taking an interest in my life…I am so thankful for that. For the people that have made me who I am today. The people that weren’t afraid to tell me what they were thinking. Those that told me that I was making a mistake when I was making a mistake & encouraged the decisions in my life that were wise. Those that encouraged me to never stop dreaming. Which is why I am such a dreamer to this day still. Those that believed in me. Forced me to never give up. Pushed me through the pain & the tears only to make me realize what the important things in life were truly about.

For this I will always be thankful.
For the simplest smile.
Encouraging word.
Gentle hug.
That ‘hello’.
Flowers on my doorstep.
Kind eyes.



These little things mean the most to me.

1 a.m.

June 4th, 2009



For a while I felt a little conceited that all I do on my blog is talk about me. Then I realized that it was, in fact, MY blog. I think I’m allowed to do that. I do most of my thinking at night. When I am warm & cozy in my bed, I grab the dear ol’ laptop…& type type type away.

I am in my warm, cozy bed right now. A bug just landed on my face. I swatted it, & it is probably now lying next to me. Nonetheless, I’m trying not to think about it as I am typing away. Trying to decide what I want to talk about seeing as there are always 200 million things running through this head of mine. Here I am….probably should be sleeping as I have an eventful weekend coming up. Sleep is one of my most favorite things in the world. Although I enjoy the hustle & bustle of life…what I love the most is when the world becomes still. Even if for just a moment. I love putting each day behind me & waking up to a fresh start. Putting all the mistakes for the day away. And reaching for a way tomorrow to not repeat them. Looking for new opportunities. New people to meet. New adventures before my fingertips.

Anyways…I am listening to one of my favorite songs. By Julie Roberts…not to be confused with the actress. :) at any rate it is called “rain on a tin roof.” I relate to people through song. Most of my friends have “a song.” One particular song that reminds me of them, especially when I am absent from them. Often I let them choose it. Then there are some other poor souls that have no say & I give them a ridiculous one. Either way, many times, my observance of people simple makes me choose a certain song for them. So perhaps we are not even friends. Maybe mere acquaintances. Perhaps someone I would smile at in the elevator. And some are lucky to get more than one.

So I’m listening to Julie Roberts. I have found a song for you. Finally. I generally don’t have a hard time pinpointing songs for people nor do I try to make it a habit to blog about such ramblings. But this is a special case. One who’s eyes I won’t soon forget. Occasionally I meet people who make an unintentional impact on my life. It’s really almost amazing. They are the ones that are in & out of my life in a flash. It is these people that I have a hard time letting go of. The ability of those that can still pierce my heart that way reminds me that perhaps I am not as guarded as I make myself out to be. That I am still capable of allowing someone to love me without fear of losing.

I can’t say much more than this. I must leave you to the wondering. & me to the remembering. To the wishing things were different & wishing you were here, but knowing the importance of letting life simply happen with deliberate timing.

I am infamous for ‘jumping the gun’ in situations such as these. My instinct is to let things be known as I always do. Having a freedom, vulnerability & ensuring a lack of regret. Yet for some reason, this is a little different. It is an intrinsic ‘holding back’ that I am choosing this time, not due to fear, but instead simply allowing destiny to run its course. This must be a sign that I am growing up. As difficult as it is…maybe I am finally starting to realize the importance of waiting. Of sitting back & realizing that love will find its way to me & that I don’t have to go searching for it.

Well…here it is. “Rain on a Tin Roof”. For you.

My dearest you.
The inimitable, irreplaceable YOU:



His eyes are blue just like the ocean
His heart is a river free
Now & then he gets the notion
And he finds his way to me.

His loves like
Rain on a tin roof
Sweet song of a summer time storm
And oh the way that it moves you
It’s a melody of passion raging on
And then it’s gone.

He tells me he’ll be back to see me
Every time he has to go
I keep wondering just when that’ll be
Cause with him you never know.

His love’s like
Rain on a tin roof
Sweet song of a summer time storm
And oh the way that it moves you
It’s a melody of passion raging on
And then it’s gone.

And just like a thirsty field
I can’t complain a bit
Cause I’m thankful for every sing drop I get.

His love’s like
Rain on a tin roof
Sweet song of a summer time storm
And oh the way that it moves you
It’s a melody of passion raging on
And then it’s gone.


Here’s to difficult choices. To wondering what could have been. But having enough hope to press on. To waiting tirelessly.

To loving inadvertently with both eyes closed in complete trust & vulnerability.


.cheers.

hmm. am i an artisan?

just took a tempermant quiz. i don't know...i think i might take it again. haha. is that cheating? i would have thought of myself as more of an idealist. although this was fairly accurate as well. i wish i could have seen percentages. darn it.




Your Keirsey Temperament Sorter Results indicates that your personality type is that of the

Artisans are the temperament with a natural ability to excel in any of the arts, not only the fine arts such as painting and sculpting, or the performing arts such as music, theater, and dance, but also the athletic, military, political, mechanical, and industrial arts, as well as the "art of the deal" in business.

Artisans are most at home in the real world of solid objects that can be made and manipulated, and of real-life events that can be experienced in the here and now. Artisans have exceptionally keen senses, and love working with their hands. They seem right at home with tools, instruments, and vehicles of all kinds, and their actions are usually aimed at getting them where they want to go, and as quickly as possible. Thus Artisans will strike off boldly down roads that others might consider risky or impossible, doing whatever it takes, rules or no rules, to accomplish their goals. This devil-may-care attitude also gives the Artisans a winning way with people, and they are often irresistibly charming with family, friends, and co-workers.

Artisans want to be where the action is; they seek out adventure and show a constant hunger for pleasure and stimulation. They believe that variety is the spice of life, and that doing things that aren't fun or exciting is a waste of time. Artisans are impulsive, adaptable, competitive, and believe the next throw of the dice will be the lucky one. They can also be generous to a fault, always ready to share with their friends from the bounty of life. Above all, Artisans need to be free to do what they wish, when they wish. They resist being tied or bound or confined or obligated; they would rather not wait, or save, or store, or live for tomorrow. In the Artisan view, today must be enjoyed, for tomorrow may never come.

There are many Artisans, perhaps 30 to 35 percent of the population, which is good, because they create much of the beauty, grace, fun, and excitement the rest of us enjoy in life.

Artisans at Work
Artisans seek to make an impact upon the organizations where they work and upon society at large. Their alertness to current realities, the joy they take in variation, and their tendency to follow their instincts to 'what works' make them good troubleshooters and negotiators, talented performers and craftspeople and excellent leaders in all kinds of emergencies and chaotic situations.

Your heightened aesthetic sense can lead you to craft and perfect whatever work you take on. As a result, in your ideal job you would likely have the freedom to gather observations, collections of facts, and sets of skills in order to do your work. You can be thrilled when you slip through a window of strategic opportunity that colleagues or the competition haven’t yet seen.

we weren 't crazy

this is the only song i'm listening to right now.





♥

it reminds me of you.
my cowboy boots.
our worn out jeans.
you're smile.
the summer sun.
the sand in our feet.
the wind blowing in our hair.
that song we listened to.
the bed of your truck.
the moonlight sky.
lying under a blanket of stars.
your beautiful eyes.
and the spark of love we once had.



"we were young, we were wild, we were restless
had to go, had to fly - had to get away
took a chance on that feelin’ - baby
we were lovin’ blind - borderline reckless
we were livin’ for the minute we were spinnin’ in
maybe we were a lot of things
but we weren't crazy" -josh gracin



...i wish you were here with me even now. ♥

5.17.09

Walk Away:

Perhaps Ben Harper was right.

“And it’s so hard to do & so easy to say, but sometimes you just have to walk away.”


I don’t even feel that I can elaborate on that one. He completely sums it all up. May times I feel that it would simply be in my best interest to walk away. But I don’t even know how to do that. With as many people in my life I have watched walk away, you’d think I would catch on.

It truly has never been appealing to me, maybe because I know the pain that it can cause. Then again, I tend to hang on just a little too tightly. Although I don’t necessarily consider that a flaw. I only hang on to the things that I truly want to fight for. To the things in my life that really matter. To the things that I am passionate about.


Hmm. I don’t know. I listened to that song earlier. Made me think. Now I’m lying here listening to death cab. Good stuff.


Anyways, so mom & I were cleaning out the basement the other day. I found my dinosaur sheets from when I was like 3. AMAZING. I just put them on my bed today. I have never felt ready to sleep more in my entire life. I still act like a 3 year old some days. I am lying in my dinosaur sheets as I type this. Yet part of me would like to get up & jump on my bed now. Possibly screaming loudly in gibberish, all the while making a mess by knocking over my water bottle. It’s 1 am. I feel that this would just complete the environment I have now set up for myself. I love it.

Other than this. Nothing to report. Same ol’ same ol. I’m still dealing with the same momentous ordeals that I was yesterday. Thinking a lot about things. About getting my life back in order. How to even take the 1st step to even approach that.

I’m still here.
Dreaming.
Trying to figure this out.



…just like everybody else.


.no worries.

farrah fawcett 5.16.09

Seriously. I am about to write a tribute to her. Not even kidding. A 2 hour special came on tv tonight that I watched. Impressive considering I rarely even watch tv. Anyways…a 2 hour special of Farrah’s battle with cancer. Everyone should have watched it. In fact, I would kind of like to watch it again. I can sum this all up with 3 little words. Life is precious. The sooner we realize the importance of being alive, the better. Farrah closed the show by saying simply this… “what are you fighting for?” I was almost in shock as I heard these words come from her mouth. This is something that I often think of myself. I thought it was a perfect ending her story. Her courage was astonishing. All I kept thinking was…oh my God, how could you have enough will power to push yourself through something like that. As devastating her story…to watch her tell it was life changing.

That’s all I’ll say about it. Watch it if you ever get the chance.

5.15.09

There are tons of wonderful things in my life…yet for some reason, when my heart is aching the most; I feel the most necessity to write. I am hoping that it doesn’t come across as negativity whatsoever, because that is definitely not my intention.

On friends:

I realize how few I have. True friends that is. I know what you’re thinking. No one has more than a few true friends. But still…I look back on the friendships in my life that have faded. Some slowly. Some too quickly. I wonder how on earth they got to be that way. I feel that I have a lost a best friend during almost every season of my life. That accounts for about a handful of them. That also accounts for my skepticism of allowing someone to be that close to me I suppose. Some ‘loses’ (for lack of a better word’ were due to life changes & were exceptionally difficult to let go of. Others left deep scars on my heart as they walked out & still cut somewhat deeper as even think about them now.

On family:

I have a wonderful family. Still praying for God’s restoration on my family. As a child I keep hoping & praying. Then some days it gets to the point where I feel that my hoping is all in vain. I remember at the start of the difficulties…I would cry myself to sleep only able to say in my prayers… “God, please fix this.” Sometimes, still that is all I am able to get out.

On relationships:

My heart & my head disagree on just about everything. I know what my head wants, but it’s not the same that my heart wants. I have seen how easily I can be blinded by my head so that my heart is no longer sure what it wants. I realized this for the first time last week when what could have been a life altering decision was right before my eyes. Everyone tells me I made the right decision & I believe that it was. It’s difficult to understand how something that seems to fit perfectly & seems so right can be so wrong. How deceptive! It seems unfair of life to hit me when I’m down. Before I even get the chance to get back on my feet. But that’s life. I was absolutely certain of what I was looking for, but now that things have changed & love is staring me right in the face…I’m not so sure anymore.

Though everything in me screams to run back to that place which is comfortable, my heart tells me no. I am learning the hard way that sometimes being alone is the right choice. which naturally at times makes me slightly frustrated. I hate being alone. Especially when I have the choice not to be, but knowing that if I also choose to not be alone I am also making the wrong decision, even though it is what feels right. I wish that I were not so concerned about making mistakes. I realize this scene may not make entire sense, but just take it for what it is worth.

All I know is that many times, I will have to climb my mountain all by myself. Sometimes God calls us to things in which we must go alone. I don’t understand why. All I know is that He does.

Making mistakes in life is inevitable…but the guilt often tears at my heart along with the fear of failing. At the same time, decision making is also inevitable. Decisions must be made. The ones that I have made thus far have been exceptionally difficult. And many more will come. I am certain of it.

Perhaps this entire post could have been summed up as such:

My biggest concern now is simply finding my niche.

Not what makes me comfortable per se.

But instead aligning my heart with the heart of the Father.

So that THERE in that place.

Surely I will find rest.

PGD

for my pre-med majors. NO this does not stand for preimplantation genetic disorder.

ok...we technically it does, but not in the sense that i am using it. i have been joking all week that i have PGD (POST GRADUATION DEPRESSION) disorder.

...only i wasn't really joking.


i didn't even think it was a real disorder. but i'm living proof that it is. i hope i get over this soon. you don't know how many times i have said the words..."i miss florida. i miss my friends. i miss the sunshine."

every day i think about moving back there.
i have more to say in regards to this, but i'm tired.
later perhaps.


i have like 3 blogs i've written & haven't posted yet.
i guess i owe you.

♥

tommy page

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6AanBNGZxpw


i've always wanted a song with my name in it. i'm pretty much in love with this one...

on restlessness.

i am blogging on restlessness. My own to be exact. i feel that i could pick no better word to describe the way that i feel at the moment.

restlessness.
a word that i have been dwelling on.
thinking on.
what is restlessness?
what is it that has made me feel so restless?
is restlessness a negative or a positive?

for the 1st time in my life i believe i am seeing the positives to reslessness...if i am even correct in saying that there are in fact positives.

i have this inherent feeling of discontentment. or rather inability to be satisfied. i feel that no matter what happens...i will always feel the sting of disappointment. is that simply because i have a cynical outlook on things? are my expectations too high? i often wish that i wasn't quite so cynical. after time life kind of pushes you towards cynicism. but that is not what this is about.

restlessness. here you must imagine me saying this in an inquisitive manner. once agian...what does it mean to be truly restless? am i correct in saying that the restless are the ones that make the largest impact on the world? who in history what restless? i see many to be described as this word. how about...

martin luther king jr
mother theresa


was Jesus Christ restless?

the world changers are somewhat restless & unsatisfied with the current state of things. someone please tell me...am i incorrect in my state of thinking? though there is a time for rest...perhaps there is also a time to be wide awake dreaming of how to find solutions to the problems that lie before us.

restless. that i am! i am ready for change. oddly enough change rubs me raw, yet i crave it. graduation. a success. yet just another turn in life to make me realize what i had has now blown away like a seed blown in the wind. here. then gone. i can not say that i didn't know what i had til it was gone. for i actually did realize it. i cried like a baby at my departure. & i have struggled to catch my breath ever since i left.

yes. i cried. i know you're surprised. savor it. i'll put my pride down momentarily to tell you that. my friends. i could not survive without them. thankful. doesn't even hit the spectrum of things.

regret. i live without it. i choose to live without it. of course i make mistakes which leave me with the initial state of guilt & regret. but when it comes to saying exactly what i want to say to people...i will say it as if i were to get no other chance to say it. then i watch as the chips fall where they may.

i will proclaim love when i love.
beauty where i see beauty.
hope to those who are hopeless.
courage when there is fear.
and serenity in the presence of clamour.

the only regret to which i can attribute to myself is not doing the things that i really want to do. not thinking of myself highly enough, or lacking the confidence to complete the task. all of this i am certain will change with time, as i have already seen it thus far.

with this restlessness has come great expectation for the future. what am i becoming? where will i be? who will i be? i feel that i have gotten to that point in my life where no where feels like home. i feel somewhat like a vagabond. perhaps that is how i know that MY life is truly beginning. "home is where the heart is". i think i am now able to grasp fully that concept.

the possibilities of moving back to florida are there no doubt. i joked about it quite a bit. never thought i'd actually own up to how much i love it there. parts of my heart i left with the sunshine. it's been only a few days since i left. & i already miss my "sunshine".

everyone keeps asking me what is next for me in my life. my answer is always the same.

i don't know.

perhaps it is best this way. it keeps my life ADVENTUREOUS...



...just the way i like it. :)

lots to express

weary eyes that won't allow me to at the moment.
graduation. is completed.
goodbyes. are in progress.
love. i am broken because of it.
perception. difficult to comprehend.


♥


he has my heart tangled in knots.
my head fuzzy with wishful thinking.
butterflies in my stomach.
and me dreaming with my eyes wide open.

but what will become of us?

3 days

...i am already feeling semi-nauseous about it.

i can't concentrate for the life of anything.
massive headache.
2 finals tomorrow.
not ready.

for finals.
or
for goodbye.

i HATE goodbyes with a burning passion.
my heart already hurts & i haven't even gone anywhere yet...


you wanna know what really annoys me? that my profile views goes up like once a month by intervals of several hundred...

can i just say

sheesh today was a "toughy".

i don't even really know what i want to say. just being real here. despite the fact that i am an amazing pretender, i AM allowed to be real every once in a while. i feel like i may have almost perfected being a pretender. and i feel like i learned it from the church when i was younger. sadly. ouch. that was painful....not that i'm entirely blaming it on that.

i am insecure & broken beyond measure. due to the hurts of life, i have learned to not trust people. i have learned not to let the "real me" show in fear that vulnerability will leave me open & able to get hurt again. i, despite what you may think, am a fun girl. but no one ever seems to stick around long enough to find that out. every time i have loved, i have held nothing back. leaving my heart wide open. perhaps that is why it hurts so much. just when i decide i will no longer let anyone in, i of course do. simply because i love people. Jesus was ridiculed beyond comprehension, yet He left His heart wide open. Jesus make me like You.

Jesus & i went on a little walk and drive together tonight. just a short one. i found myself once again questioning my calling. when all along, i know exactly what it is, yet i wonder why it leaves me feeling so alone & empty. though i know that He is always with me, will i ever simply learn to be content with that?

or will i continue in my ways?
will i continue looking for approval from boys...from teachers...from friends?
how much longer until i realized that approval is not found in the eyes of man?
that approval is found in the eyes of my Father. and approval is what He has already given me.

although i have been given the wonderful gift of the "sensitivity of heart," many times i truly believe that that is what makes me so susceptible to heartbreaks. i value people so much that when they hurt, i hurt.

i took a deep breath.
Jesus whispers in my ear.
"you are not alone" He tells me.
"but why do i feel so, Jesus?"


the life that i have lived has not been an easy one. i mean not particularly difficult as compared to most, but still life has its share of pains as you will agree.

i feel like God has called me to such a high standard of living. to the point where sometimes i wonder why i am continuing in this. tonight i questioned once again why i live my life the way that i do. pouring pouring into other people. expecting nothing in return. separating myself from the things of the world. so that i can fully trust Him.

i remember someone said this once..."the greater the calling, the greater the preparation." i truly believe this. all i have to say is that i have one heck of a calling. not even kidding.

i miss my prince charming.
today especially.
some days are worse than others.
22 years.
i'm still waiting for Him to ride in & save me.
to call me His own.
to take a chance on me.


the other day i saw some beautiful spanish children playing. for a split second, i saw myself standing barefoot on a wide open dirt field watching them play...in their homeland. loving them. spending my life with them.

i prayed for my children today. haha. i don't have children. yet. but one day i will. love that. oh man. i really love that. i want to be a mother that loves my husband & loves others selflessly, that my children may see Jesus.

as uneasy as i am graduating in 5 days, this is something that i am looking forward to.

in the meantime. i will wait. as difficult as it is. this is my oath.

i will wait.




i have never loved someone that i haven't met, more than the one that God is preparing my heart for.

beauty

this will make you think twice. at least i did.

revolution

i can hear the sounds of it now. the stirrings in my heart for justice. for change.

here i am Jesus

The Lord actually gave me this verse many years ago. This is my "life" verse. I honestly feel like this is the call that the Lord has put on my life. He has promised this to me. I'll never forget it. I was sitting in a CVS parking lot. Haha. He speaks to me everywhere. All I have to do is be still and listen.



Isaiah 61:1-3


The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
because the LORD has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners, ^[a]

² to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,

³ and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called mighty oaks,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor.

send me.




"when we forsake the lives of others, we actually forsake our own."

♥

If to distant lands I scatter
If I sail to farthest seas
Would you find and firm and gather
'til I only dwell in Thee?

If I flee from greenest pastures
Would you leave to look for me?
Forfeit glory to come after
'Til I only dwell in Thee

If my heart has one ambition
If my soul one goal to seek
This my solitary vision
'til I only dwell in Thee
That I only dwell in Thee
'Til I only dwell in Thee

-brooke fraser

right now

i would like to lay on the bed of a truck,
under a blanket of stars.
keith urban on the radio.
and

y

o

u

by my side.




"if we never meet again in our lives, i should feel that somehow the whole adventure of existence was justified by my having met you."

the little things

"At every crossroad, follow your dream. It is courageous to let your heart lead the way." -leland thomas



the simple things.




♥


are what mean the most to me.

"i have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love." mother teresa



it's been storming all day.
i love it.
dreaming with a broken heart the past few days
has been difficult.


Jesus, send Your rain.
thank You for Your little blessings.
for the people you have put in my life
to show me what love is.



"Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go." -t.s. eliot

where to begin?

all i know is that this life is not about me.

with graduation 17 days away or so, i have now
realized that i may not be graduating in a few weeks
unless Jesus breaks through for me somehow.
(which He seems to be accustomed to doing in my life at the last split
second). i kind of love that about Him. He forces
me to get on my face & cry out. as disappointing
as the thought seems, part of me feels disappointed
to be finished with this.

at the same time. i have dreams. so large. i'm ready
to take the leap. i want to change the world. the
crazy thing is...that i actually believe that i can.

i never want to stop dreaming. to stop reaching out
to people. my heart beats for people.

i'm excited where God will use me next. He let
me encounter a little taste of what He has in
store for me over this past weekend. Just enough
to fuel my heart a little more. just enough
to make me a little bolder.

to make me a little more fearless.
a little more courageous.

Jesus. my Jesus.
give me Your eyes to see.
the ears to hear.
the voice to speak.

to bring hope to this world which is so hopeless.
to bring light into the darkness.
and to love the unlovable.

♥

love deeply

physical touch is by far my love language. i'm just throwin it out there. it has nothing to do with anything.

*****************************************

the people that God puts in my life to show me what love is...

it astounds me. astounds is putting it lightly.

can i just say that?

i feel like my heart for people has grown so much that it may burst.
i feel as though i can look into someone's eyes & see their heart. it's bizarre. and i love it.

i'm not really a "cry-er." in fact, i rarely do, but for the first time in a long time...my heart is so overwhelmed with the love of my Father through the eyes of the people that i am constantly surrounded by that i feel as though i could possibly shed a tear if i really wanted to. haha.

i am so unbelievably blessed. if i could trade my life for someone else's...i wouldn't.

i love my life. i love the people in my life.
the hardest thing i've had to do yet is going to be leaving southeastern in a few weeks. i never thought the time would come.

it will absolutely break my heart into pieces.
yet, God is still God.
He constantly pushes me out of my comfort zones.
to let go of the things that i love so that i can be in love with Him alone.

i know that God is preparing my heart for something bigger than i could even imagine. i'm just praying that when it's time to let these things go, that i will be able to.

it will be difficult. thinking about it is painful, but He is calling me to something greater. it is hard to imagine my life any other way.

here's to the Love of my life. the friends He has put in my life whom i love deeply. and to the chance to open myself to love even more.

i will wait

forever for you.


(if i have to)

♥

"God will not send us on any journey for which He does not equip us well."