on restlessness.

i am blogging on restlessness. My own to be exact. i feel that i could pick no better word to describe the way that i feel at the moment.

restlessness.
a word that i have been dwelling on.
thinking on.
what is restlessness?
what is it that has made me feel so restless?
is restlessness a negative or a positive?

for the 1st time in my life i believe i am seeing the positives to reslessness...if i am even correct in saying that there are in fact positives.

i have this inherent feeling of discontentment. or rather inability to be satisfied. i feel that no matter what happens...i will always feel the sting of disappointment. is that simply because i have a cynical outlook on things? are my expectations too high? i often wish that i wasn't quite so cynical. after time life kind of pushes you towards cynicism. but that is not what this is about.

restlessness. here you must imagine me saying this in an inquisitive manner. once agian...what does it mean to be truly restless? am i correct in saying that the restless are the ones that make the largest impact on the world? who in history what restless? i see many to be described as this word. how about...

martin luther king jr
mother theresa


was Jesus Christ restless?

the world changers are somewhat restless & unsatisfied with the current state of things. someone please tell me...am i incorrect in my state of thinking? though there is a time for rest...perhaps there is also a time to be wide awake dreaming of how to find solutions to the problems that lie before us.

restless. that i am! i am ready for change. oddly enough change rubs me raw, yet i crave it. graduation. a success. yet just another turn in life to make me realize what i had has now blown away like a seed blown in the wind. here. then gone. i can not say that i didn't know what i had til it was gone. for i actually did realize it. i cried like a baby at my departure. & i have struggled to catch my breath ever since i left.

yes. i cried. i know you're surprised. savor it. i'll put my pride down momentarily to tell you that. my friends. i could not survive without them. thankful. doesn't even hit the spectrum of things.

regret. i live without it. i choose to live without it. of course i make mistakes which leave me with the initial state of guilt & regret. but when it comes to saying exactly what i want to say to people...i will say it as if i were to get no other chance to say it. then i watch as the chips fall where they may.

i will proclaim love when i love.
beauty where i see beauty.
hope to those who are hopeless.
courage when there is fear.
and serenity in the presence of clamour.

the only regret to which i can attribute to myself is not doing the things that i really want to do. not thinking of myself highly enough, or lacking the confidence to complete the task. all of this i am certain will change with time, as i have already seen it thus far.

with this restlessness has come great expectation for the future. what am i becoming? where will i be? who will i be? i feel that i have gotten to that point in my life where no where feels like home. i feel somewhat like a vagabond. perhaps that is how i know that MY life is truly beginning. "home is where the heart is". i think i am now able to grasp fully that concept.

the possibilities of moving back to florida are there no doubt. i joked about it quite a bit. never thought i'd actually own up to how much i love it there. parts of my heart i left with the sunshine. it's been only a few days since i left. & i already miss my "sunshine".

everyone keeps asking me what is next for me in my life. my answer is always the same.

i don't know.

perhaps it is best this way. it keeps my life ADVENTUREOUS...



...just the way i like it. :)