october 15

Life.

Life is full of decisions.
Questions.
Doubts.
Laughter.
Adventures.
Life is life.

My life is mine. The decisions I make in my life will affect my life in one way or another. With some bigger than others. As a recent college grad, you can imagine the decisions that I am facing. For some reason I never hear people in situations such as mine talk about their decisions. Perhaps that is because most people who graduate from college go directly to their vocation in which they were specifically trained for. But me, on the other hand, has about a million options. My field of study was so broad that I could do virtually anything. Doctor, teacher, researcher, vet…ect…you name it, I am probably qualified in one way or another. Biology was rough, but the reason I chose it was for the very reason that I knew the immense amount of choices I would have when I got out. Everyone who is not me seems to be envious of my options, but I on the other hand have a hard time seeing the benefits. Not so much that I have a hard time seeing the benefits, but my indecisiveness is detrimental to my decision making process. God. I just don’t even know what to do. I don’t know what I want. I mean I know. But I don’t. I don’t even make sense. I’m fully aware of that. I feel exhausted & have no reason to feel exhausted. I think it maybe is called mental exhaustion. I just have a lot on my mind.

I leave for Florida next Friday. In exactly a week. I’m so happy I could literally start crying. I might actually. I miss it beyond words. Although I must admit I’m slightly nervous about it. I don’t know what to expect. At the same time I’m trying not to get my hopes up that it will be a “certain” way, because I don’t want to be disappointed. Sheesh…am I cynical much?

Well whatever. I know things won’t be the same as when I left. The whole point of the trip honestly…is to have a little time to myself. To reflect. Sort out. Hopefully get a little revelation as to what I want to do next. To see my best friends whom I miss terribly. I just pray that I come back with a little glimpse as to where in the world my life is headed. I need some refreshment. Some clarity. So that I can think straight. Hopefully this trip will bring that. I have been looking forward to this trip ever since I left. Ever since I walked out that door, got in my car, looked in the rear view & cried for 8 hours straight.

I feel like I am just now starting to dream again. I feel like I had lost sight of my dreams for quite a while. Finally I am starting to envision my life into something greater.

Right now it is all about what path to take. I have many to choose from. All which lie in front of me. Do I take the job I was offered? Non related to my field of study as a temporary source of income living at home. Do I go back to school to get my masters? Therefore, loaning more money to go back to school & live but getting a higher education in the long run making it easier to pay off. And if so, at home or start somewhere else? Do I fulfill that lifelong dream of becoming a doctor?

Do I sell everything I have? Become a missionary?

Haha. I would like to lean towards the last one honestly.

It’s not like I am stuck with just one choice. At some point in my life they may all tie together. Perhaps not. Perhaps one season of life will be one thing & the next another. Recently I have wanted to be a writer. And a musician. Where in the heck. Mostly I think my problem is that I want to do everything. I want to experience everything. and go on every adventure life can throw at me. I’m young & unhindered. Can you blame me?

But in the meantime, while I am trying to decide which one to do first I am sitting on my rear at home. Not excited about that.

Maybe it’s time. Time for change. Time to grow up. To throw fear out the window. & just jump.




…now THAT’S a definite possibility.