On friends:
I realize how few I have. True friends that is. I know what you’re thinking. No one has more than a few true friends. But still…I look back on the friendships in my life that have faded. Some slowly. Some too quickly. I wonder how on earth they got to be that way. I feel that I have a lost a best friend during almost every season of my life. That accounts for about a handful of them. That also accounts for my skepticism of allowing someone to be that close to me I suppose. Some ‘loses’ (for lack of a better word’ were due to life changes & were exceptionally difficult to let go of. Others left deep scars on my heart as they walked out & still cut somewhat deeper as even think about them now.
On family:
I have a wonderful family. Still praying for God’s restoration on my family. As a child I keep hoping & praying. Then some days it gets to the point where I feel that my hoping is all in vain. I remember at the start of the difficulties…I would cry myself to sleep only able to say in my prayers… “God, please fix this.” Sometimes, still that is all I am able to get out.
On relationships:
My heart & my head disagree on just about everything. I know what my head wants, but it’s not the same that my heart wants. I have seen how easily I can be blinded by my head so that my heart is no longer sure what it wants. I realized this for the first time last week when what could have been a life altering decision was right before my eyes. Everyone tells me I made the right decision & I believe that it was. It’s difficult to understand how something that seems to fit perfectly & seems so right can be so wrong. How deceptive! It seems unfair of life to hit me when I’m down. Before I even get the chance to get back on my feet. But that’s life. I was absolutely certain of what I was looking for, but now that things have changed & love is staring me right in the face…I’m not so sure anymore.
Though everything in me screams to run back to that place which is comfortable, my heart tells me no. I am learning the hard way that sometimes being alone is the right choice. which naturally at times makes me slightly frustrated. I hate being alone. Especially when I have the choice not to be, but knowing that if I also choose to not be alone I am also making the wrong decision, even though it is what feels right. I wish that I were not so concerned about making mistakes. I realize this scene may not make entire sense, but just take it for what it is worth.
All I know is that many times, I will have to climb my mountain all by myself. Sometimes God calls us to things in which we must go alone. I don’t understand why. All I know is that He does.
Making mistakes in life is inevitable…but the guilt often tears at my heart along with the fear of failing. At the same time, decision making is also inevitable. Decisions must be made. The ones that I have made thus far have been exceptionally difficult. And many more will come. I am certain of it.
Perhaps this entire post could have been summed up as such:
My biggest concern now is simply finding my niche.
Not what makes me comfortable per se.
But instead aligning my heart with the heart of the Father.
So that THERE in that place.
Surely I will find rest.
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