august 23

Here we are once again. you & I together. My writing has virtually ceased to exist since the beginning of my organic chem adventures. Part one is completed. Now on to part two. 5 more weeks. Bring on the pain. I feel as though it will never end. Although part of me is a little scared for it to be over with another huge change staring right in my face. what path will I take? That question I can’t answer which makes me rather anxious.

I am so looking forward to October. I am certain of that. I am going back to florida in October to visit my friends, “family”, my home for the past 3 years. It has felt weird not returning there this year. I miss it so almost to the point of homesickness at times. I can’t however say whether I would be happy there or not. My heart somewhat aches for that, yet in my heart, I know that things will never be the same again. My insatiability has been driving me crazy lately. sometimes I wonder if I will fully be happy anywhere. I have been wanting so badly lately to find my “niche”. To find that one place of rest. Peace. To find the place where I truly feel needed. The place that feels like home. Comfort.

What will the next year bring? Will my clouded mind & my fear keep me from dreaming? From following my heart? or will I surpass all of these things to chase after the only Thing that matters? Will I learn to trust in the One bigger than myself? Will I find my place?

Will this time of climbing up this mountain alone turn into a long slow unforgettable satisfying walk home with my hand in the hand of another? These are questions I ask myself. The latter I have been asking myself most lately. Being disappointed one after another leaves a little sting (ok big)…but it only points me one step closer to “you”.

my guarded heart & nervous hands would make it hard for anyone to reach me. gentle persistence & patience may be the only remedy. I keep waiting but he never comes to save me. what I had in my hands left me settling. My heart knew it and nothing has ever felt so comfortable in all of my life. giving up the simple dream of him is difficult enough in itself. Saying goodbye has never been my strong suit.

But love is love. What is here is here & what is not is not, making the nonexistent seem like a fairy tale. And the tangible…the only option.





Cheers.



“ive got a perfectly normal heart. bruised & broken from within. At times I don’t know where to start to let you in here.” –Copeland