september 27

Here I am. Finding myself on the dear ol’ blogspot. And as usual somewhat unsure as what to say. All I know is that I want to say something. Without meaning to sound like a depressant….i feel so alone right now. Life has a funny way of changing things & this change has brought about a feeling of loneliness. I miss the things that were. I know, however that it is pointless to reminisce on the past because the past has come & gone. never to return again. I did take a little trip down memory lane for a while tonight. Not sure entirely what brought it about. Perhaps it was listening to “the song” that “he” gave to me oh so very long ago. The only boy I’ve ever loved. Or at least I think I loved. But what do I know of love? We were so young. Those so far have been the best days. I remember being incandescently happy. Laughing constantly. That’s all. I miss that feeling. I miss feeling safe. Happy. Vulnerable. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be like that again. I remember not being able to breathe when I saw him & never wanting to leave his arms. This phase in my life was short lived. Shorter than I wanted to see it. he was there & in a glimpse gone. I have never been so open, so free & so strong in my entire life. I hope love one day finds its way back to me. I miss everything about it. except of course the ending. In which I cried myself to sleep every night for about 6 months. Well you know how the story goes. Not a day went by where I didn’t think of him. Then weeks would go by. Then months. To virtually never now. Except for days like today. I miss my best friend. and the hardest part is not being able to tell him. Times have changed. We have changed. Moving on is all we have left with a memory that is slowly fading from my mind.

There you have it friends. I feel like I now have no friends…but whatever. At least not many real friends. and the only real friends I have live currently 8 hours away from me. I never get to see them. Sad. BUT…I will get to in 3 weeks because I’m going down. Thank God. I am trying not to have any expectations for florida. When I get there, I’m gonna try to take it easy. Not worry too much about who’s where & who’s doing what…but instead simply just being. Letting whatever happens happen. This will be difficult. Apparently I think my fate is in my hands & I suppose most of the time it is. But at the same time…sometimes I just have to be & let life happen. And hopefully this time I won’t cry nearly as much as I did last time when I left. That was embarrassing. Haha. But I do miss it. I miss continual friendship & encouragement. I miss parties. I miss life.

Ochem is over. I passed. Praise Him. Now the time has officially come. The next phase in life. I am scared to death. What do I want? What do I do? I have no idea. I’ve never felt so lost in all my life. Only time will tell I suppose.

Time.
Something that I never want to wish away.
Something that I never want to kill.
Because we have so little of it.
Time is all we’ve got.

I’ve been wondering all day what I would do if I wasn’t so afraid. I’ve put so many limitations on myself. It’s time. Time to let go. Time to change. Time to move on. Maybe will be difficult but that’s life. and it’s beautiful.



Goodnight lovers.