6.20

June 20.

I am in denial. June is almost over. 3 more weeks & I begin what I have been dreading for the entire 4 years of my college career. I have 2 words for you…organic chemistry. 10 weeks of sheer…well, you fill in the blanks. Although I hope it is not nearly as bad as I am expecting. I have chosen to put myself through parts 1 & 2 of organic in a 10 week session. No breaks. Yes…I have completely lost it. I am so nervous & I haven’t even gotten there yet. The word intensity may bring on a brand new meaning in my life. When the 10 weeks are completed, I will however feel invincible I imagine. I have decided to attempt to put my life into perspective over this next week or so. Perhaps clear up some confusion within my own thought process. Some would call it a sabbatical I suppose. I have my future ahead of me. an open book with plank pages. But what will I write there? This transition in m life has been immensely difficult. The fear of the unknown, yet the excitement of the adventure. Goals…I want to have them, but setting realistic ones is more the issue. September (the end of my undergraduate career) will be here in the blink of an eye. I keep praying/hoping that there will be some kind of divine intervention from God between now & then. I need clarity & direction. Although I feel undeserving of it due to my lack of relationship with Him recently. What is it that I want to do with my life? I have asked myself a million times at least. Yet, I still have not come up with an answer. Other than the fact that my family is in Atlanta, I have no desire to be here really. I love it. I love the city lights. Yet, I feel that I would be fine without it. sure a little of my heart is here. But sometimes I feel the need to start over. I feel homeless at times. Somewhat like a vagabond. Part of me wants to go back to Florida, but even if I did, things would never be the same as it once was. My friends are there, yet even they, after time, will move on. I mustn’t move there on account of the. On account of that boys charming smile I can’t get out of my head….as an escape from my problems here. Because surely they will follow me there. I am completely & utterly lost. it makes sense to move back. Where my church family is. Where I have accountability & a sense of freedom. But must I do it alone? Is it the most realistic option for me? where would I work & where would I live? Should I go back to school? The latter is what I am contemplating most. Med school…my life long dream now seems to fade like a cloud in the distance. Why is that? Is it lack of motivation? Fear? I don’t know. Should I shoot for a masters? Even if then, what will I do? Too many questions. That can’t be answered. I am forced to take it one day at a time. Trusting God has never been so difficult. Summer shows herself every year by giving me more time to think. She makes me question once again who I am. What am I fighting for? Who will I become? All I know is that I don’t want to sit back & watch life/ opportunities pass me by. I don’t’ want to rule out the possibility of moving back to Florida simply because I am afraid I will be alone. Nor do I want to rule out the possibility of going anywhere else due to fear. I keep hearing that line from the moving The Notebook repeat in my head. When Noah asks Allie a screams “What do you want! Stop thinking about what everyone else wants! What do YOU want!?!”

I feel stuck. For the time being I am here in this place. Finishing organic is next on my list. One day at a time. That’s all.

This is what I am devising from life:


-take one day at a time.
-I am in fact in charge of my own happiness.
-life throws you punches. Sometimes while you’re still on the ground. Get up anyways.
-love is found in the most unlikely of places.
-simple living is the only way to live.
-live for today & regret nothing.
-never give up or stop dreaming.
-think outside of the box.
-take time to listen.
-God loves me more than I think he does & is not nearly as mad at me as I think He is.
-I have to do what’s best for me. not worry about what everyone else says. Afterall…this is my life & I’ve only got one chance to live it.
-things are never as they seem.
-with change always comes growth. And the worse it hurts, the more you grow. (good news for me)
-silence is ok.
-saying something of substance is often the simplest phrase.
-my life can & will change the world.
-every day I have the opportunity to reach someone. To love.
-Love is the greatest gift. “all we need is love love love.” –the beatles
-hope is what drives us to be better. To live. To breath. And to keep moving forward.
-life in itself is an adventure. There’s no going back. Only looking ahead. And plunging headfirst into the unknown despite what fears & discouragement may come along.
-speaking your mind is one of the most liberating feelings.
-I don’t have to decide to day what I am going to do 30 years from now. All I have to do is choose what I will do today.
-perseverance is one of the most important traits. No one is innately born with perseverance. It must be practiced over & over again.
-disappointments last for a season. Learn to let go. Move on.
-there are few people in my life that are actually true friends. and I’ve got to hold on to them for dear life.
-I am not bound by statistics.
-hope…sometimes that I will attain only by dreaming.

This is the beginning stages of my summer thinking. More to come…