sos

help. have i actually said anything of substance on here in the past year?

my apologies.
i do have much to say.
and not much time to say it in.

i owe you one dear blog.

time slows down whenever you're around

syndicate

Halfway around the world
Lies the one thing that you want
Buried in the ground, hundreds of miles down
First thing that arises in your mind while you awake
Bending you til you break
Let me hold you now

Baby close your eyes
Don't open til the morning light
Baby don't forget
You haven't lost it all yet

Don't know what your made of
Til the one thing that you want
To come in with the dawn and suddenly changes
Monday, syndicate me, its everyone the same
But all we've lost to the flame
Listen to me now

Baby close your eyes
Don't open til the morning light
Don't ever forget
We haven't lost it all yet
All we know for sure
Is all that we are fighting for
Baby don't forget
We haven't lost it all yet

Someday when this is over
We mix it up, no answer
For now its when I hold her
We are closer, we are closer
We are closer, we are closer

Baby close your eyes
Don't open til the morning light
Don't ever forget
We haven't lost it all yet
And all we know for sure
Is all that we are fighting for
Baby don't forget
We haven't lost it all yet

We are closer
we are closer
(We haven't lost it all yet)
Now we are closer
(We haven't lost it all yet)
We are closer

-the fray

11.14

life,


you are so weird sometimes.

most of the time.

ok. all of the time.

<3 steph


i'm going to florida on wednesday. i need it so much. i need to sit on the beach & spend time with Jesus. i need Him. i really miss Him.

snow please

i just really really really want to cuddle up on the floor. a cup of hot chocolate. 90 billion of those teeny marshmallows. a super fluffy pillow & a giant soft blanky. a fireplace. and a big window where i can look out & see it snowing.



pretty please?




http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C-Naa1HXeDQ&feature=channel

rainy days

i've been needing some inspiration lately. i have been wondering were it went. it's like my happiness and dreams just walked away from me, but i think i caught a little glimpse of everything again today.

today was good for me. i don't know why. especially because last week was complete heartbreak & i cried myself to sleep one too many times. it's been a while since i've felt like i had just a good day. it was even raining today.

on my way to class this morning, i was kind of rushing...as always. to make things crazier, i searched all through the parking lots close to class so i wouldn't have to walk in the cold alone. nothing. so i head towards our huge deck across campus. i had to walk from the 5th floor of the parking deck...all the way to class. which was really no big deal. sometimes i actually do it on purpose because i love walking. of course it was drizzling & freezing today. still doesn't bother me much. except for the freezing part. on my way down the 80 flights of stairs, i met this boy. i followed on his heels the whole way to class.

it's weird you know? we always get into our "own little world" & we forget that there are people around us all the time. we get into custom of doing things our way...going on a mission for ourselves & accomplishing it for ourselves, but we often forget that there are all these other people. we have our friends & we get so comfortable. or maybe it's just fear that holds people back from things as simple as saying hello.

i love talking to strangers & meeting new people. it's one of my all time favorites. i love it especially when i don't have to initiate it because it makes me realize that there are people out there that like...really care about other people & aren't selfish.

so, this boy & i laughed the whole way to class. in the rain. about the people running in the rain. about wavelengths & about how sadistic i am for always wanting to cut things open in lab. you know what? we didn't even catch each others names.

i like that.

because honestly it doesn't even matter.
we got to our building, out of the rain.
he patted me on the back.
like i had known him my whole life.
and we went our separate ways.
him to physics.
and me to anatomy.

maybe that's what love looks like.
see, here's the thing.

we live in this imperfect world with all these broken hearts & disappointed people. myself included. & i guess...you just never know when a few words will make someone's day.


well, things have been rough for me lately.
& this may seem a little dramatic.
but i think in a way, he saved me today.


i think next wednesday, i will park on the 5th floor of the parking deck.







on purpose.

my longest running crush

oh man...was i heartbroken when he got married.


i can't believe i'm posting about this. my blog is really going downhill.

he can't be as cool as he seems anyways...

right?



it's been 2 years & i'm still itching to get my nose pierced. i'm gonna go for it soon. yes?

yes.

i bet you'll be fine

10.25

you wanna know what was on my mind this week? good. because i'm going to tell you. i was just wondering...well...do you think anyone is truly happy? i mean like really truly happy. & satisfied with their life? it just seems like most of the time we think we know what we want for our lives. & when we get it, we realize maybe what we thought we wanted wasn't really what we did want. Or even worse, maybe it was, but over time we just get apathetic & forget how much we love it until it’s gone. whatever “it” happens to be. i guess it could be just about anything.
i know a lot of people that think they're happy. or that seem happy. but then i find out they're not at all. why is it that nothing is ever as it seems? & sometimes i think that if i was a little less selfish maybe i would love people a little more. maybe if i could see past the exterior pretend life that everyone lives, & into their hearts, maybe I’d be a little more forgiving & a little less critical. i guess it doesn't really take much to see that all people really need is a little love & that everybody deals with the same struggles. i'm pretty sure 'the beatles' beat me to that idea though :) (all you need is love)

but i guess now in my own life i have never been more convinced that i am in charge of my own happiness & i’m the only one that can change things for me. i just wish i lived more like i was in charge of my happiness. i wish that my happiness didn’t depend on other people. i wish that it didn’t depend on the girls in the magazines that tell me that i will never be beautiful enough. i wish it didn’t depend on my friends and family. or my past that makes me believe that my mistakes will always be hanging over my head. & whatever other needless things i fill my life with that are unimportant.

this really has nothing to do with anything. i’m not sure where it’s coming from exactly. i have been meeting a lot of unsatisfied people lately. i guess that got me wondering how they got to be that way & whether happiness is actually attainable. i still think it is. maybe where people go wrong is when they start looking for it outside of themselves. maybe living in pursuit of something really is the only way to live. i never want to live my life so comfortably that i don’t have to sacrifice something in order to be thankful for what i have & where i came from.

sept 25. 2010

just wanna mark this day in my blog.

this could be interesting.

i bawl like a baby. every time.

Its amazing to me that we hurt the ones we love the most. I don't understand that. I keep thinking that things will get better. They never do.

july 7

Summer. You are my favorite. My favorite day of the entire year (july 4th) is officially over. I am so thankful for the people that are in my life. Despite the fact that I feel so far from God, (due to my own selfishness), I know that He has been with me every step of the way. I know that He has placed these people & struggles in my life for a reason. I spent the weekend with family & friends. I love my family of course. Though we have difficult times, I will always love them. I have been even more blessed to have an “extra” family. I am somewhat surprised I haven’t spoken of them prior to this, being that I generally spend as much time with them as I do my real family. I have known them for almost 11 years. The 1st family that I meet when I moved to Atlanta. & it has been amazing to grow up with them. Especially the children. I will never take for granted that I can walk into their home at any time & sit down. That I know where the hidden house key is. & that they love me so much. They would do anything for me. And me for them. From the time that I walk in the door to the time I walk out seems to be a constant stream of laughter. I never get tired of that. I hardly have a memory of my life that doesn’t involve them in some way or another. I love that. Their daughter, who is also my best friend, is getting married in September. Another life change. So excited for my sissy & so amazed at how quickly things come about. & her brother just graduated from the army. So proud of him. It always makes me cry. Not in a sad way but kind of in a sad way too. In a “I am so blessed” sort of way to have the family & friends that I do. Their mom & dad think of me as their daughter. And I think of them as mom & dad away from mom & dad.  its humbling because most people can’t say that about their lives. I love that no matter where we go or what happens down the road, we will always be family & that is something that no one will ever take away.
A few weeks ago, I went to Savannah with one of my best friends, Aryka. She is hands down the smartest friend I have. Not to mention, the best friend a person could ask for. She never judges. Always loves. I hope that at some point in my life I will be the kind of friend that she has been to me to someone else in my life. We had a wonderful and relaxing time. Much needed for the both of us. Savannah was beautiful. And exceptionally historic. Walking through the cemetery at dusk and riding around the city learning of its history was exhilarating. I am so thankful for the freedom that I have. Walking down River Street as the homeless pull out their instruments. But my favorite story was the one about the “waving girl.” A statue was put up by the Savannah River in her honor. The story is about a girl that met sailor. And fell in love. The sailor one day had to leave but promised her that he’d be back for her. Every morning she would come by the river & wave a towel at the incoming ships and every night she would hold out her lantern in hopes that he would return for her as promised. She did that for years & years, but he never returned for her. She eventually died. Most say it was from a broken heart. I guess it was kind of a sad story. It has no happy ending, but what I did learn is that some things are worth waiting for. Some things are worth fighting for. The best things in life are the ones that you have to work really hard for. Anything that comes easy is not worth keeping. The most important thing in life is that you never give up the fight.
I will wait for you.
I will fight for you.

snow patrol

(Lyrically this song is incredible. It just is incredible. All ways)

I'm running out of ways to make you see
I want you to stay here beside me
I won't be okay and I won't pretend I am
So just tell me today and take my hand

Please take my hand
Please take my hand
Please take my hand
Please take my hand

Just say yes
Just say there's nothing holding you back
It's not a test
Nor a trick of the mind, only love

It's so simple and you know it is, you know it is
We can't be to and fro like this all our lives
You're the only way to me, the path is clear
What do I have to say to you for God's sake, dear?

For God's sake, dear
For God's sake, dear
For God's sake, dear
For God's sake, dear

Just say yes
Just say there's nothing holding you back
It's not a test
Nor a trick of the mind, only love

Just say yes
'Cause I'm aching and I know you are too
For the touch
Of your warm skin as I breathe you in

I can feel your heart beat through my shirt
This was all I wanted, all I want

It's all I want
It's all I want
It's all I want
It's all I want

Just say yes
Just say there's nothing holding you back
It's not a test
Nor a trick of the mind, only love

Just say yes
'Cause I'm aching and I know you are too
For the touch
Of your warm skin as I breathe you in

breathtaking

So I have a new favorite word: breathtaking. That is my favorite word. This weekend after the wedding I was in told me I was breathtaking. I love being called that. Even if I don't entirely believe it. ;) I looked up the definition & it make it even better. Breathtaking. It meant to much to me that this sweet boy told me this. Strictly out of purity of heart nonetheless. It always means a little more coming from a handsome boy. Haha! But Jesus thinks I'm breathtaking. I don't know why. He is breathtaking to me. Though I am struggling day & night...He is my pursuer. He keeps chasing after my stubborn, broken heart. He truly takes my breath away at the sound of His name. So breathtaking shall be my new word. Not to be taken lightly. But to be used with the utmost care.

Thank you Jesus.
My pursuer.
The reason I breathe.
My breathtaking Love.
I will live my life for You.

come find me

i'm so lost. so so lost.
i don't know where i am.
who i am.
where i'm going.
or where i came from.
won't you please come find me?

i am hurt.
i am broken.
i am transparent.

that is all.

2008. really? did i post this already? i don't even know

1.15.08

The last semester has officially begun. With one word simply resounding in my head. Graduation. If I am not mistaken, there are 106 sunsets until that glorious day. Yes. I have counted upon multiple occasions. Not that I am entirely done, but merely one page of my life has been written….and now on to the next. Whatever that may be. I many times wish that I had even the slightest clue.

Not to mention I am coming around on my 22nd year of life soon. Very soon. Hard to believe. 22. I remember as a little child, my favorite number has always been 2. since then I have unconsciously decided that when I turned 22 it would be the best year of my life. well, I guess we’ll see.

Life. all I know is that it’s precious. I know that some of it is spent in grave company. And some in complete loneliness. Some in silence & some in sheer noise. Other in discomfort & some in comfort.

The discomfort that I have felt over the past few years has shaped who I am to the very core. Discomfort generally gives off a negative connotation, but yet, many times its repercussions are to be praised. My mind has been opened to the possibilities & opportunities around me. often times I wish that I was a little child again. that the simplest moments in life brought me joy like they used to. I am in pursuit of this thing that we like to call happiness. I am convinced that we are in fact in charge of our own happiness & that life is what we choose to make it. That through the struggles & the pain, there is a level of accomplishment that could be attained no other way.

Life. is beautiful.

summer love. had me a blast.

June. Summer is my favorite. No competition. So many crazy & exciting things are coming up. Florida was a no go. I don’t understand why & I don’t even really want to talk about it anymore. There’s a reason. I don’t know what that reason is, but I’m semi content with this not knowing why. One of my best friends is getting married next week. I’m honored to be the maid of honor. My best friend in the world is getting married in September. I’m also honored to be the maid of honor in that one. She is more my sister. Our families have been friend s for almost 11 years. I am so thankful for that. I spend an unbelievable amount of time with them. I wouldn’t have it any other way. It feels like home to me. & I honestly can’t say that about anyone else. Not even close. That statement is a big deal for me, because I’m not comfortable anywhere.

Then there’s family issues. They never seem to get any better. They only get worse. I don’t know what to say about that other than I’m doing my best to simply make it through. No one knows.

& I guess there’s boys. Ok…I don’t guess. There’s like 100 boys. I don’t even know what to do with all them. They all seem the same to me. Hmmm…what’s a girl to do? Every day it’s all I can do to maintain focus on what’s important in life. & meaningless , insatiable relationships simply are not. I admit, I have been too tolerant. & this tolerance is biting me back right now.
& then there’s you. The you I’m talking about changes constantly. I’ll think it’s you. Then you turns into someone else. Another “you”. & it’s you…that has my head & heart so confused. As time moves on, so do love interests. It’s all a waiting game I suppose. It’s the 50 I turn down daily waiting on that 1. I don’t mean that in a conceited way. At all. But I’m 23 & single. With an entirely too forward personality. What do you expect?

I’m done here. I miss you missing me.
That’s all.

Oh & the only song I’m listening to on repeat right now:
Joshua Radin-Paperweight.
Go listen.
It reminds me of you.

dear florida

i'm having a hard time letting go. why do you grip my heart so?

summer love

things are changing so quickly. it's unreal. i've traveled to florida 3 times in the past month. i love florida. lord willing in the next few months i'll be moving here. 2 of my best friends are getting married between now & september. and i am blessed enough to be the maid of honor in both. i have amazing friends. girlfriends. & boyfriends. i am beyond encouraged by the people that i am constantly surrounded by. i wouldn't change that for anything. summer is quickly approaching. change is here to stay. adventure is everywhere i look. i want to keep going but time is my only enemy. i have much more to say.

love.






I miss those blue eyes
How you kiss me at night
I miss the way we sleep

Like there's no sunrise
Like the taste of your smile
I miss the way we breathe

But I never told you
What I should have said
No, I never told you
I just held it in

And now,
I miss everything about you
Can't believe that I still want you
And after all the things we've been through
I miss everything about you
Without you

I see your blue eyes
Everytime I close mine
You make it hard to see
Where I belong to
When I'm not around you
It's like I'm not with me

But I never told you
What I should have said
No, I never told you
I just held it in

And now,
I miss everything about you
Can't believe that I still want you
And after all the things we've been through
I miss everything about you
Without you

But I never told you
What I should have said
No, I never told you
I just held it in

And now,
I miss everything about you
Can't believe that I still want you
And after all the things we've been through
I miss everything about you
Without you

absence

i do want to write to you. so busy. you have no idea.

2.25.10

Well. Here I am. I always find myself here in this same place. Broken. Lost. & in need of You.

Change is in the air. Everywhere I look. The seasons are changing. Things are in transition. An intrinsic shift. This is expected. But there are simply things now that I am anticipating will change very quickly, as they have already. I’m just not quite so sure I’m completely ready to say goodbye to these things. These people specifically. These shifts in time are always exciting. They mean something greater is on the horizon. Though there are greater things right around the corner. New & exciting things. It doesn’t make it any less scary. Or any less uncomfortable. The things/people that I am blessed with at this current state in my life. I will slowly but surely begin to miss. I will go on to meet new people. And experience new places. But the people that are so close to my heart now will never not be close to my heart. they have made me who I am today. And for that. Eternal gratitude.

Yesterday, I received in the smallest amount some encouragement from a friend that I hadn’t seen or hardly talked to in over a year. the simplest acts mean the most. Perhaps this is why I have learned to wear my heart on my sleeve. I have learned that the simplest words mean the most to me, therefore, speaking what I am thinking into the lives of other people has been an integral, revolutionary part of my life.

Sometimes there is that initial regret. To where I say something, & then wonder if I was being too forward. But I am slowly learning to get over that. All that I know is that I was called to Love.


….and Love is Bold.

april 7

Hello there. It’s me again. I keep giving up writing for other things. I wish it didn’t have to be that way. Life has been so busy. I like business. It keeps me out of trouble. Mostly. But sometimes its nice to slow down. There have been so many occasions this week where I wanted to speak to you. You being the one reading this. Whoever you are. The not knowing makes it all the more exciting. But as always…the second I sit down I’ve forgotten everything I wanted to share with you.

Time has this funny way of continuing on. Without regard to my plan. Here I am. Almost mid april. And most likely headed back to the Sunshine state mid may. It seems oh too surreal. I don’t know where life is taking me. & as usual, it scares me out of my wits. But at the same time, I’m intrepid. I must carry on. Adventure calls me.

Relationships have seemed to be the topic of the day. Or month. Or maybe even year. Perhaps it is because I am getting older. Many of my friends are getting married. Are about to get married. Or want to get married. The older I get, the more I realize, I have no answers. Don’t get me wrong. I definitely want to get married at some point. & have kids at some point. But it’s not my #1 dream like almost every other girl I know. I spend a bit of time talking with one of my boy friends about relationships. Specifically love relationships. We both converse on the difficulty of commitment. The failed attempts at love. The impatience of waiting for something that may never come. The confusion that sometimes comes along with it. The hurt we have dealt with in our own lives. I have enjoyed spending this time discussing this with him for more than one reason, but mainly because our relationship is strictly platonic. I value that in our openness & honesty, we can remain friends. Ask each other for advice. Without questioning each other about our motives. Pushing our relationship farther. It’s quite refreshing.

Speaking of relationships. Julie Roberts song “rain on a tin roof” is on replay as I write this post right now. Everything about it reminds me of you. & of me. & our relationship is anything but plutonic I’m afraid. I am so torn as to what to do. My heart knows. But my head tells me different. It’s hard to make a move when both of those things are telling me different. But I miss you. Sometimes I’m not quite sure why. But I do. I miss your blue eyes. Your hand in mine. I miss watching you sleep as I pretend to. Walks through a moonlit sky. You hand on my waist pulling me closer. The cool night air. And your smile. This is the here & now. Or at least the here & now when we are together. & when I go away…you never come after me. I shouldn’t have to ask you to come after me. But I can’t forget about you. Loving you scares me the most. But the fear never keeps me from loving you.

I’m the most stubborn person I’ve ever known. I’m not even sure how I got that way. In some ways I think stubbornness is good. Being stubborn is being unwilling to compromise. The most annoying thing in my life I feel is when people tell me who to be. Who to love. What to do. In fact 99% of the time, if you tell me to do something, I’m going to do the exact opposite. I don’t like taking orders or people who think they know what’s best for me & they really don’t. I do, however, generally listen to my parents. Everyone else…not so much. You say stay. I run. You say no. I say yes. You say down. I say up. Well…you get the idea. The idea of being forced into a life that I don’t want is what scares me the most. I watch people get married. Because there’s nothing else to do. I watch them start dating people they don’t even like because they get bored. Of course, I get bored too. Every other second I get bored. But I tend to take my boredness to other levels. I’m more likely to move away to another state. Go bunji jumping. Or kiss a stranger. My life has taken independence to a whole new level. I’m sure things will change as I continue to grow up but my next boyfriends gonna have a piece of work. The truth is…I like where I am. I’m in no rush. I don’t need anyone telling me how to live my life. When I live my life, I live it for me. I will be who I am. I’m not afraid to change my flaws. But I refuse to be something I’m not. Society tells me to get an education, marry, get a job, have kids, get rich, buy a bunch of stuff, have surgery to improve my imperfections. Society tells me I’m not good enough. My hips aren’t small enough. My boobs aren’t big enough. Society tells me I’m too young & inexperienced. Society tells me that I am most likely to have a failed marriage. Society will dictate who we are on a daily basis if we in fact do not know who we are. I will not be a statistic. I will learn to love myself the way that I am. & one day. One day. Someone will love me for me. & my 7 billion imperfections. Because that’s just about how many I have.



i don't really think any of that is what i wanted to say. but i'm exhausted. i don't even make sense to myself right now.


cheers. love you.


(two jumps in a week. i bet you think thats pretty clever dont you boy. flying on your motorcycle. watching all the ground beneath you drop. youd kill yourself for recognition. kill yourself to never ever stop. you broke another mirror. youre turning into something you are not. dont leave me high. dont leave me dry. its the best thing that youve ever had. the best thing youve had has gone away -radiohead)

I've been writing but haven't had the chance to upload! :) will try soon. (So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go -john denver)

hear me

*side note: the beautiful photos belong to my favorite photographer. parker young.* (i secretly spend hours at a time. looking at his work.)


beauty is everywhere.

& when i get my new camera.
expect to never see me without it.

-----------------------------



i have so much to say. always.
i have amazing friends.
ones that make me incandescently happy.
an amazing family.
that never leaves my side.
an amazing God.
amazing is an understatment.
how could words possibly describe.
all 3 of which love me.
tremendously.
even when i don't deserve it.
i never deserve it.
but that's what makes it beautiful.
i love my life.
i love that i love.
& that i am loved.
i love that when i can't take anymore.
someone wraps me in their warm arms.
lets me cry on their shoulder.
& holds me until the uncertainty.
& the fear vanishes.
i love sacrifice.
duty.
honor.
responsibility.
i hate goodbyes.
but love the anticipation.
of meeting your eyes again.
hope.
i am hopeful.
that i am one day closer.
to seeing your smile.
my heart aches.
but my soul rejoices.
the tears that i cry.
aren't tears of surrender.
they're the tears.
of a fighter.
of a long awaited battle.
i stand on the mountain top.
sword in hand.
they are my cries of victory.
my eyes are wide awake.
dreaming.
of you.
of me.
of us.
no regrets.
no looking back.
nothing left unsaid.
heart strings.
that will never be cut.
tangled.
broken.
or knotted.
tied together.
so tightly.
that you & i will never be apart.
for my heart beats in rhythm with yours.
& yours with mine.
we lie under the same stars.
& look up at the same sky.
the same sun shining on our faces.
the distance from me.
to where you are.
seems less far.
not a day passes.
where i do not think of you.



thank you.
for loving me.
for your courage.
making me strong.



i am brave.
because you are brave.

when he's gone...

•when he's yours. he brings the sunshine. when he's gone the world goes dark. he's heaven on the eyes. but he's hell on the heart•

thanks apple :)

"Here's to the crazy ones. The rebels. The troublemakers. The ones who see things differently. While some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones who do."

set fire to the third bar

I find the map and draw a straight line
Over rivers, farms, and state lines
The distance from here to where you'd be
It's only finger-lengths that I see
I touch the place where I'd find your face
My fingers in creases of distant dark places

I hang my coat up in the first bar
There is no peace that I've felt so far
The laughter penetrates my silence
As drunken men find flaws in science

Their words mostly noises
Ghosts with just voices
Your words in my memory
Are like music to me

I'm miles from where you are
I lay down on the cold ground
I pray that something picks me up
And sets me down in your warm arms

After I have travelled so far
We'd set the fire to the third bar
We'd share each other like an island
Until exhausted, close our eyelids
And dreaming pick up from
The last place we left off
Your soft skin is weeping
A joy you can't keep it

I'm miles from where you are
I lay down on the cold ground
And I pray that something picks me up
And sets me down in your warm arms

I'm miles from where you are
I lay down on the cold ground
I pray that something picks me up
And sets me down in your warm arms

breathe me

i'm too tired to write. i have much to say. but for now. all i have is a lack of originality. & a tired heart. no substance left for now. i'll let sia say it for me:






Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
I hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch

I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

shooting

I went to the range yesterday & shot a 22, 9mm & 380. My 1st time. It was fun but I had no idea what I was doing. Aside from that...I freaking dropped the 380. Dear God. Maybe I shouldnt be allowed to be armed...I still feel bad about it.

1.24

My dreams are returning again. finally. Through much pain & searching, I am beginning to see myself again. in what was once a distorted picture of my dreams is now starting to bring clarity & peace to my mind. How quickly I get distracted & lose sight of what really matters. Fear & insecurity is the only thing that has ever holds us back from becoming exactly who we are made to be. I am convinced now more than ever that all we are is simply lovers.

Although I just finished school last October, since my graduation last may, I have discovered so much about myself. Some of which I realize I am needing to change & other things that are simply a nudge of innocence that I must hold onto with all of my might. My dreaming heart has always been one that has frightened me. but frightened me in a good way. I’m such a dreamer. I always have been & always will be. the dreams that are so deep knit into my hearts strings are the same dreams that keep me pushing & striving toward reaching my goals. My dreams are the only things that keep me breathing. I have come too far now to even begin to think about giving up. My “free-spirit” has been both a blessing & a curse I suppose. My wandering heart is able to take me places that other people will only dare dream to go. I’ve always been one to speak my mind. To steer clear of anything or anyone that would make me feel restrained. Most would say that I have “walked to the beat of my own drum”. I am surprised the word “hippie” hasn’t already permanently attached itself to my name somewhere. I often joke that I just go wherever the wind blows me. The worst case scenario for me would be to live my life wondering “what if”. This is something that I promised myself I would never do. I would rather fail embarrassingly numerous times than to never try.

I am learning that my history of running away is one that I must learn to tame. Learning to embrace your life is half the battle. And learning to change the world & love with utter vulnerability is the other. Keeping our hearts guarded leads for a lonely life. I would much rather feel the pang of a thousand stings & learn to love.

“love anything & your heart will be wrung & possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies & little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

Life is so precious. It’s those little moments that make all of the difference. I just watched the movie, My Sisters Keeper. Compassion has always been my strong suit. I’m not a big crier. But when I see someone hurting, I will cry on a dime. You best believe. It was all I could do to maintain my composure & not loudly begin to wail during this movie. That’s how I know I have a heart for people & from this same desire, I realized that I want to hold orphans & little sick ones in my arms until the day I die. My heart burns for the brokenhearted. To caress their head & kiss there face. Sometimes a simple smile or an “it will be ok” will suffice. I had forgotten this dream that I had held on to so tightly until I had a subtle reminder from someone I hardly even know. I began to have a heart for missions years ago & my dream of one day becoming a doctor slowly coincided with this dream. It wasn’t until recently that I realized the same dream that was found apparent in my heart many years ago was still there. And I have been encouraged by another to continue in pursuit of these desires.

My heart is beginning to ache again. it is beginning to break for people. For love. For justice. For passion. I am on the verge of something great. I can feel it running like a drug through my veins. At times my heart aches for this to the point that I don’t know how I will survive without it. passion is a good thing to have id say. Without it, we would cease to exist.

Starting over. the time is coming for my brand new start. Honestly, its scary as hell but the most exciting thing that I’ve ever done. I’m so beyond ready to jump of the edge with full force. I’m ready to embark on this new adventure & embrace life to its fullest even if I must go it alone. I want to drink in the moments that take my breath away. Feel joy to the highest levels. I’m ready for what is to come next. The tears & the hard work are in no comparison to the laughter & bliss that comes with running with freedom the path that you yourself have paved. Life is beautiful. We were put here to be conquerors. Not to fall victim to defeat.

And it all starts out with a simple dream. My dream is…

A beaming sunshine. Sweat dripping down my back. Sitting on a dirt floor. Rocking & singing to sleep beautiful abandoned babies. Wrapping them in love & security. My dream is less about becoming a doctor & more about becoming a healer. A healer to a broken & dying, hurt world. Love has the capacity to heal wounds. This i am certain of. My dream is becoming a mother. Its becoming a lover. My dream is becoming selfless. Full of hope for tomorrow & for a better future. My dream is to lay down at night with my lover by my side. Reaching out to take his hand next to me & kissing his sleeping eyes goodnight. Waking in the morning to the simple touch of his fingertips on my lips. Watching my little boys grow up to be warriors that fight for injustice as they have seen their father do. & my little princess girls grow up to be zealous lovers of people.


This is my dream. This is what I fight for.

What are you fighting for?

relator

what a fantastic song. one of my favorites. it's beyond brilliant. & since i have been told multiple times i look like scarlett johannson. therefore, i feel obligated to share:

1.21

It amazing to me that all day long I have things to say. And by time I get to my computer at night, they all seem to vanish from my memory. I have slacked big time on my writing lately which must be why so many things have been running through my mind. Every day is a constant battle of decision making. Wondering. And waiting. Where will my life head next? Sitting back, I will get no where. Making my dreams come into fruition will only come when I take action. But what action should I take?

I have never felt so lost in my entire life. In my decisions to figure out what my next move will be. In my friendships. In relationships. In my beliefs. In my 22, almost 23 years of living I had always been certain as to what I believe. That is…up until now. I am realizing that the older I get, the less I know. The more I search, the more I seem to get lost. God seems so far away & everything I have become reminds me of everything I never wanted to be. Like all of humanity the question in my mind has been “who am I?” I am me of course. But who is me? there is a profound distinction between who I am & between who I want to be. not to mention who I pretend to be. it’s exhausting. Surely you understand though. I know very little about anything anymore I feel.

however, I have come to the conclusion that alcohol is not the answer to any problems. Nor are relationships which lack substance. The ones we love the most seem to be the ones we hurt the most. And learning to let go of the temporary & cling to the eternal is a valuable lesson. Deep down in my heart I still know who I am, but somewhere along this beaten path that I walk, I seem to have gotten lost. maybe veered off looking at sorts of enchanting distractions. every tree has begun to look the same. My footprints pointing me back to my destination have blow away with the wind. I’m running but the direction I am running could be putting me into a deeper chasm. The sun is quickly fading. The darkness falls in all around me. as I gaze up at the starless sky, fear begins to grip me. in dread that I will never see the sun again. nor the path that once lead my way. alone. Here I am. as I stop in complete terror, I collapse on a cold vast rock in exhaustion. To simply wait. To wait for the suns warmth again. in hopes that somewhere in my dreaming sleep I will awake to remember my way home.

That’s virtually the only way I feel I am able to express the feelings of my recent aching. I miss my friends so much. I miss the consistency of what was. I miss encouragement to keep striving & pushing for transparency. I miss God. He is always God. even when I run. I miss the florida sunshine. It’s a difficult call for me. just because I miss it doesn’t necessarily mean that’s where I am supposed to be. perhaps it just means I’m living in the past. Or does it? these are the questions that have my mind in a twist. I’ve got choices. Should I stay or should I leave?

I know this boy. This boy in which I miss very much who taught me so much about life. Though our togetherness was shortlived. he taught me to love. He taught me that life isn’t perfect. That’s it’s ok to make mistakes. And more importantly that it’s ok to cry. To admit helplessness. To be transparent & vulnerable. Because without vulnerability & a little bit of pain, you will never learn to love. He taught me how to be brave & the importance of knowing when to fight & when to lay down your sword. He taught me that heartache is inevitable & life is rarely fair but fighting for life is more important than anything else. That honesty is always to be upheld. That loving people is the greatest thing that you can ever do to make a difference in this life. I miss our late night talks. His crooked little smile. But more than anything else, I miss his heart. the glimmer of hope in his eyes that made me wish I was a better person. That made me believe again. that maybe there really was more to this life worth living for. I miss his constant assurance that I was worth more to him than I thought I was. that I was more beautiful & more deserving than I give myself credit for. to me, he means so much. I just don’t think he realizes how much. & now the distance that has torn us so far apart keeps me from being with him. I want so badly to just sit downtown in silence on a park bench in the crisp night air breathing with him. Singing loudly & off key in our cars. Laughing uninhibitedly. I simply wish that I could tell him that I miss the nearness of him. It’s difficult for me to close that chapter of my life. so this isn’t exactly my goodbye. Its simply my gratitude headed straight into the void. With that said. Wherever you are tonight (I wish I could insert your name here)…know that I am eternally grateful for you. Thank you for loving me & making me realize that I am worth waiting for. I miss you. I love you. & I’ll see you soon.


“when you think tim mcgraw. I hope you think my favorite song. The day you turn your radio on. I hope it takes you back to that place. When you think happiness. I hope you think that little black dress. Think of my head on your chest & my old faded blue jeans. When you think tim mcgraw. I hope you think of me. he said the way my blue eyes shined, put those Georgia stars to shame that night. i said that’s a lie.” –taylor swift

iron & wine version

I am thinking it's a sign
That the freckles in our eyes
Are mirror images and when we kiss
They're perfectly aligned

And I have to speculate
That God himself did make us
Into corresponding shapes
Like puzzle pieces from the clay

And true it may seem like a stretch
But it's thoughts like this that catch
My troubled head when you're away
When I am missing you to death

When you are out there on the road
For several weeks of shows
And when you scan the radio
I hope this song will guide you home

They will see us waving from such great heights
Come down now, they'll say
But everything looks perfect from far away
Come down now but we'll stay

I've tried my best to leave
This all on your machine
But the persistent beat
It sounded thin upon listening

And that frankly will not fly
You'll hear the shrillest highs
And lowest lows with the windows down
When this is guiding you home

They will see us waving from such great heights
Come down now, they'll say
But everything looks perfect from far away
Come down now but we'll stay

feb 2

Breathe deeply. Be slow to anger. Time heals wounds but regrets last a lifetime. Love with complete vulnerability. If your dreams seem reachable, you're dreaming too small. Satisfaction lies in simple things. Sing loudly. Laugh whenever you can. Take chances. Kiss the ones you love goodnight. Don't forget to say I love you every chance you get. Be open to change. Live fearless.

a fine frenzy

Running the race
Like a mouse in a cage
Getting nowhere but I'm trying
Forging ahead
But I'm stuck in the bed
That I made so I'm lying

But if you keep real close
Yeah, you stay real close
I will reach you

I'm down to a whisper
In a daydream on a hill
Shut down to a whisper
Can you hear me still

Eager to please,
Trying to be what they need
But I'm so very tired
I've stopped trying to find
Any peace in my mind
Because it tangles the wires

But if you keep real close
Yeah, you stay real close
I will reach you

I'm down to a whisper
In a daydream on a hill
Shut down to a whisper
Can you hear me
Can you hear me still

The sound tires on my lips
To fade away into forgetting

I'm down to a whisper
In a daydream on a hill
Shut down to a whisper
Can you hear me
Can you hear me

I'm down to a whisper
In a daydream on a hill
Shut down to a whisper
Can you hear me
Can you hear me still

on finding the way

Everything I am is everything that I hate. When all along I just wanted to be more like You. It has been in this process of rediscovering myself, that I have gotten lost.

2010

Cheers.