1.24

My dreams are returning again. finally. Through much pain & searching, I am beginning to see myself again. in what was once a distorted picture of my dreams is now starting to bring clarity & peace to my mind. How quickly I get distracted & lose sight of what really matters. Fear & insecurity is the only thing that has ever holds us back from becoming exactly who we are made to be. I am convinced now more than ever that all we are is simply lovers.

Although I just finished school last October, since my graduation last may, I have discovered so much about myself. Some of which I realize I am needing to change & other things that are simply a nudge of innocence that I must hold onto with all of my might. My dreaming heart has always been one that has frightened me. but frightened me in a good way. I’m such a dreamer. I always have been & always will be. the dreams that are so deep knit into my hearts strings are the same dreams that keep me pushing & striving toward reaching my goals. My dreams are the only things that keep me breathing. I have come too far now to even begin to think about giving up. My “free-spirit” has been both a blessing & a curse I suppose. My wandering heart is able to take me places that other people will only dare dream to go. I’ve always been one to speak my mind. To steer clear of anything or anyone that would make me feel restrained. Most would say that I have “walked to the beat of my own drum”. I am surprised the word “hippie” hasn’t already permanently attached itself to my name somewhere. I often joke that I just go wherever the wind blows me. The worst case scenario for me would be to live my life wondering “what if”. This is something that I promised myself I would never do. I would rather fail embarrassingly numerous times than to never try.

I am learning that my history of running away is one that I must learn to tame. Learning to embrace your life is half the battle. And learning to change the world & love with utter vulnerability is the other. Keeping our hearts guarded leads for a lonely life. I would much rather feel the pang of a thousand stings & learn to love.

“love anything & your heart will be wrung & possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies & little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

Life is so precious. It’s those little moments that make all of the difference. I just watched the movie, My Sisters Keeper. Compassion has always been my strong suit. I’m not a big crier. But when I see someone hurting, I will cry on a dime. You best believe. It was all I could do to maintain my composure & not loudly begin to wail during this movie. That’s how I know I have a heart for people & from this same desire, I realized that I want to hold orphans & little sick ones in my arms until the day I die. My heart burns for the brokenhearted. To caress their head & kiss there face. Sometimes a simple smile or an “it will be ok” will suffice. I had forgotten this dream that I had held on to so tightly until I had a subtle reminder from someone I hardly even know. I began to have a heart for missions years ago & my dream of one day becoming a doctor slowly coincided with this dream. It wasn’t until recently that I realized the same dream that was found apparent in my heart many years ago was still there. And I have been encouraged by another to continue in pursuit of these desires.

My heart is beginning to ache again. it is beginning to break for people. For love. For justice. For passion. I am on the verge of something great. I can feel it running like a drug through my veins. At times my heart aches for this to the point that I don’t know how I will survive without it. passion is a good thing to have id say. Without it, we would cease to exist.

Starting over. the time is coming for my brand new start. Honestly, its scary as hell but the most exciting thing that I’ve ever done. I’m so beyond ready to jump of the edge with full force. I’m ready to embark on this new adventure & embrace life to its fullest even if I must go it alone. I want to drink in the moments that take my breath away. Feel joy to the highest levels. I’m ready for what is to come next. The tears & the hard work are in no comparison to the laughter & bliss that comes with running with freedom the path that you yourself have paved. Life is beautiful. We were put here to be conquerors. Not to fall victim to defeat.

And it all starts out with a simple dream. My dream is…

A beaming sunshine. Sweat dripping down my back. Sitting on a dirt floor. Rocking & singing to sleep beautiful abandoned babies. Wrapping them in love & security. My dream is less about becoming a doctor & more about becoming a healer. A healer to a broken & dying, hurt world. Love has the capacity to heal wounds. This i am certain of. My dream is becoming a mother. Its becoming a lover. My dream is becoming selfless. Full of hope for tomorrow & for a better future. My dream is to lay down at night with my lover by my side. Reaching out to take his hand next to me & kissing his sleeping eyes goodnight. Waking in the morning to the simple touch of his fingertips on my lips. Watching my little boys grow up to be warriors that fight for injustice as they have seen their father do. & my little princess girls grow up to be zealous lovers of people.


This is my dream. This is what I fight for.

What are you fighting for?