10.25

you wanna know what was on my mind this week? good. because i'm going to tell you. i was just wondering...well...do you think anyone is truly happy? i mean like really truly happy. & satisfied with their life? it just seems like most of the time we think we know what we want for our lives. & when we get it, we realize maybe what we thought we wanted wasn't really what we did want. Or even worse, maybe it was, but over time we just get apathetic & forget how much we love it until it’s gone. whatever “it” happens to be. i guess it could be just about anything.
i know a lot of people that think they're happy. or that seem happy. but then i find out they're not at all. why is it that nothing is ever as it seems? & sometimes i think that if i was a little less selfish maybe i would love people a little more. maybe if i could see past the exterior pretend life that everyone lives, & into their hearts, maybe I’d be a little more forgiving & a little less critical. i guess it doesn't really take much to see that all people really need is a little love & that everybody deals with the same struggles. i'm pretty sure 'the beatles' beat me to that idea though :) (all you need is love)

but i guess now in my own life i have never been more convinced that i am in charge of my own happiness & i’m the only one that can change things for me. i just wish i lived more like i was in charge of my happiness. i wish that my happiness didn’t depend on other people. i wish that it didn’t depend on the girls in the magazines that tell me that i will never be beautiful enough. i wish it didn’t depend on my friends and family. or my past that makes me believe that my mistakes will always be hanging over my head. & whatever other needless things i fill my life with that are unimportant.

this really has nothing to do with anything. i’m not sure where it’s coming from exactly. i have been meeting a lot of unsatisfied people lately. i guess that got me wondering how they got to be that way & whether happiness is actually attainable. i still think it is. maybe where people go wrong is when they start looking for it outside of themselves. maybe living in pursuit of something really is the only way to live. i never want to live my life so comfortably that i don’t have to sacrifice something in order to be thankful for what i have & where i came from.