1.21

It amazing to me that all day long I have things to say. And by time I get to my computer at night, they all seem to vanish from my memory. I have slacked big time on my writing lately which must be why so many things have been running through my mind. Every day is a constant battle of decision making. Wondering. And waiting. Where will my life head next? Sitting back, I will get no where. Making my dreams come into fruition will only come when I take action. But what action should I take?

I have never felt so lost in my entire life. In my decisions to figure out what my next move will be. In my friendships. In relationships. In my beliefs. In my 22, almost 23 years of living I had always been certain as to what I believe. That is…up until now. I am realizing that the older I get, the less I know. The more I search, the more I seem to get lost. God seems so far away & everything I have become reminds me of everything I never wanted to be. Like all of humanity the question in my mind has been “who am I?” I am me of course. But who is me? there is a profound distinction between who I am & between who I want to be. not to mention who I pretend to be. it’s exhausting. Surely you understand though. I know very little about anything anymore I feel.

however, I have come to the conclusion that alcohol is not the answer to any problems. Nor are relationships which lack substance. The ones we love the most seem to be the ones we hurt the most. And learning to let go of the temporary & cling to the eternal is a valuable lesson. Deep down in my heart I still know who I am, but somewhere along this beaten path that I walk, I seem to have gotten lost. maybe veered off looking at sorts of enchanting distractions. every tree has begun to look the same. My footprints pointing me back to my destination have blow away with the wind. I’m running but the direction I am running could be putting me into a deeper chasm. The sun is quickly fading. The darkness falls in all around me. as I gaze up at the starless sky, fear begins to grip me. in dread that I will never see the sun again. nor the path that once lead my way. alone. Here I am. as I stop in complete terror, I collapse on a cold vast rock in exhaustion. To simply wait. To wait for the suns warmth again. in hopes that somewhere in my dreaming sleep I will awake to remember my way home.

That’s virtually the only way I feel I am able to express the feelings of my recent aching. I miss my friends so much. I miss the consistency of what was. I miss encouragement to keep striving & pushing for transparency. I miss God. He is always God. even when I run. I miss the florida sunshine. It’s a difficult call for me. just because I miss it doesn’t necessarily mean that’s where I am supposed to be. perhaps it just means I’m living in the past. Or does it? these are the questions that have my mind in a twist. I’ve got choices. Should I stay or should I leave?

I know this boy. This boy in which I miss very much who taught me so much about life. Though our togetherness was shortlived. he taught me to love. He taught me that life isn’t perfect. That’s it’s ok to make mistakes. And more importantly that it’s ok to cry. To admit helplessness. To be transparent & vulnerable. Because without vulnerability & a little bit of pain, you will never learn to love. He taught me how to be brave & the importance of knowing when to fight & when to lay down your sword. He taught me that heartache is inevitable & life is rarely fair but fighting for life is more important than anything else. That honesty is always to be upheld. That loving people is the greatest thing that you can ever do to make a difference in this life. I miss our late night talks. His crooked little smile. But more than anything else, I miss his heart. the glimmer of hope in his eyes that made me wish I was a better person. That made me believe again. that maybe there really was more to this life worth living for. I miss his constant assurance that I was worth more to him than I thought I was. that I was more beautiful & more deserving than I give myself credit for. to me, he means so much. I just don’t think he realizes how much. & now the distance that has torn us so far apart keeps me from being with him. I want so badly to just sit downtown in silence on a park bench in the crisp night air breathing with him. Singing loudly & off key in our cars. Laughing uninhibitedly. I simply wish that I could tell him that I miss the nearness of him. It’s difficult for me to close that chapter of my life. so this isn’t exactly my goodbye. Its simply my gratitude headed straight into the void. With that said. Wherever you are tonight (I wish I could insert your name here)…know that I am eternally grateful for you. Thank you for loving me & making me realize that I am worth waiting for. I miss you. I love you. & I’ll see you soon.


“when you think tim mcgraw. I hope you think my favorite song. The day you turn your radio on. I hope it takes you back to that place. When you think happiness. I hope you think that little black dress. Think of my head on your chest & my old faded blue jeans. When you think tim mcgraw. I hope you think of me. he said the way my blue eyes shined, put those Georgia stars to shame that night. i said that’s a lie.” –taylor swift