12/24/08

CHANGE:

recently my mind has been so jumbled. any time i slow down to take a breath, i realize how much i have changed & how much things around me have changed. as difficult as the transition was coming home for christmas, it was so desperately needed. the first few days, i though i was going to go crazy of bordum, but i'm learning to take it slow. to collect my misconstrued thoughts & life once again. carfully leaving my heart open to learn. i will admit that after almost 22 years of life, i have unknowingly put up walls around my heart. mostly due to experiences, failures & pains. where i once loved freely, i have now skeptically loved. where there was once joy & contentment, i have found myself to be bitter & angry. slowly, and i do mean slowly, my heart is being reconciled. but that's life. there are so many things that i want to see changed in my life this upcoming year. not new years resolutions per se. where most make resoutions to quit smoking, lose 50 lbs or to do those things they've been meaning to do their whole life, i will make mine otherwise. life resolutions we shall call them:

to love freely
to laugh uninhibitedly
to dream largely

i am reminded of one of my favorite bands, Jacks Mannequin. "i need light in the dark as i search for the resolution." love that song. sometimes in life you have to give up everything in order to find what you are looking for. interesting that i said what i did on my post a few blogs ago. after i wrote that, i spoke with my father. long story, but my parents have been separated for a while now. it's been so incredibly difficult for me & my sis. unfortunately my untrusting attitude towards relationships is something i deal with on a daily basis due to different factors in my life. my parents are my heros in my life. i felt somewhat hopeless since the separation. afterall, if my heros couldn't succeed at this...how could i? God's doing amazing things in my life & my family. i'm not giving up hope. still praying for restoration. anyways, back to my original story, i spoke with my dad. i had practi ally been in bed for days battling depression (which is somewhat unusual for me). and dealing with some major anxiety issues. eww...anxiety. another long story about my life i haven't filled you in on. just being completely real here. my father proceeded to as me the same exact thing that i was questioning in that blog. he asked me if i was part of the problem or the solution. & it struck a chord in my heart. for the first time in my life i realized that this situation was entirely out of my hands. nothing i can do to fix or remedy. at times, life gets so shattered. finally...i have realized that the only thing left to do is pray. not really sure why i'm spilling this, but it's around the holiday time & this is somewhat how my thought process looked this holiday season. but dad's here. christmas will be enjoyable nonetheless.

♥

lost or gained?

i have lost in my lifetime about a handfull of best friends.

how on God's green earth did i manage to do that?

...i'm hocking it all up to this little word i like to call:

CHANGE.

i will learn to love & trust again as i always do.
despite the immense hurt that people have caused me in the past.
one thing is for certain. this upcoming year will be
better than the last.

it has to be.


i am now convinced that ATTITUDE is everything.

blogging

my computer charger bit the dust a few weeks ago so i don't have a computer right now. i've been writing but not on here. we'll have some catching up when i get my charger.


♥


oh...i got a guitar for christmas. acoustic. beautiful. yamaha.

i am so excited. i'm playing every day now. taking it to school with me definitely. hopefully it will suffice for my longings to play piano at school seeing as my keyboard is too large to take there. anyways...i'm teaching myself.

it really is the most gorgeous guitar i've ever seen. i'm not just saying that because it's mine. ok...maybe i am.

look for some stuff from me soon. i'm writing a lot...music. songs. and recording a little.

cheaply, but that's where it all begins.


photography is about to take off like a boom for me i believe.

things are coming. slowly, but surely.



.love.

i wish

i was less a part of the problem & more a part of the solution...


"one moment you're gliding along...



the next moment you're standing in the rain
watching your life fall apart." -hitch

i met this boy

recently.

his life is one that i have been thinking of since i spoke with him a few weeks ago. a philosophical unihibited boy. with freedom beyond what i have seen in one person in a while. i so respect that. i love meeting people who think like me. it doesn't happen often, so it's encouraging. i aspire to live my life with that kind of freedom & openness. to love. to breathe. to live.

anyways...we spoke for just a few minutes. it had been about 10+ years since i have spoken with him last. conversation struck up as i grabbed his arm & complemented him on his hair actually. i know...big surprise right? haha. i'm sorry...coming from me...something like that is not so unusual. i told you i try to live my life with freedom. i never want to miss an opportunity to meet someone, to see someone's heart. i'm a firm believer in saying the things you want to say. as to living life with no regret. but going back to our conversation, we spoke a while on some non important life issues. like whether my hair would possibly manage to mimic the amazingness that his hair did.

he was this incredibly gorgeous tall blue eyed boy. which you could barely tell behind the ruggedness that his appearance showed. a young boy. no more than a few years older than me. an amazing face hidden behind a thick beard & an entire head full of these breathtakingly free twists going every which direction. getting up close to his face & speaking with him, then i could see well who he was. the time passed quickly & our conversation ended. we smiled & parted ways. as this is often how my relationships end.

oddly enough not more than a few minutes later, i began a conversation with his mother. i told her that i had encouraged his audacious "look." to which she made it clear that she was disapproving of his appearance. maybe not that she was entirely disapproving of him, but just that it wasn't her preference. she told me a few stories assuring me that he was a deep thinker. of how philosophical he was. and that he simply made his appearance the way that it was so that he could see the condition of people's heart.

suddenly it was like a thunder boom from heaven. holy cow....that sounds like something i'd do. ok ok ok. i know what you're thinking.

maybe the attitude behind it all isn't right.
but the truth is, i was just happy to be speaking with someone who was a stubborn & bull headed as me. someone who needs to see something real. people who are real. people who love uninhibitedly.


well, if there's any consulation, i think the boy's brilliant.

for the record

baby it's cold outside

is my all time favorite christmas song.

Jesus

oh how i need Him right now.

i need Him always.

there are times when i feel so close.

and times when i feel so far.

you have no idea how much i feel alone.

even though i know i'm not.

the Lord gave me the word "restoration" a few years ago.

i'm still looking for it.

believing it.

i need restoration.


restoration:

-To bring back into existence or use; reestablish: restore law and order.
-To bring back to an original condition: restore a building. See synonyms at revive
-To put (someone) back in a former position: restore the emperor to the throne.
-To make restitution of; give back: restore the stolen funds


Jesus,

bring me back to life. restore my heart. open my eyes.
revive me. breathe into me. Your words. not mine.
Your life. not mine. Your eyes. not mine. Your hands. not mine.

♥

a few weeks ago i met a woman in publix. she had no money for thanksgiving dinner. well...she told me that. only Jesus knows the condition of her heart & well...He knows the condition of mine, so i helped her out. i got in the car. cried nonetheless. i have been given so much. i went home. cried. got in the shower. cried. fell on my face. cried out to God in the shower & told Him..."i only want to love like You. i don't care about anything else."

i don't know why i'm saying this. but what else is there?

what else...

sometimes i honestly wonder what else there is. curiousity weighs on my at times. the lie of the enemy is that i'm missing out. sometimes i wonder what it would have been like had i reached for that "bottle," had i given in to that boy, had i given everything up to live like everyone else. if i'm honest sometimes i still think about it.

thank you Jesus. you have spared me from so much.

then i realize that all of these things. these things...don't amount to anything.


Jesus.
my Everything.
the One who holds me in His arms.
when i cry.
through my heartbreaks.
and my pain.
He opens my heart to love.
despite that i've been hurt.

the sad thing about sunday morning

It's Sunday morning and like sheep with no Shepherd
they're turning off alarm clocks and ironing ties
above reproach is where we'll be in the eyes of the lesser
as they see our family van on it's way to church,
on it's way to tithe fundamentally you'll find it at the heart of our religion
all the answers and the ways of faith
learn it hear and speak Jesus name
it's synonymous with this place

And then a committee regulates where the money goes
and the people gather
who will teach the children and bring the gospel?
the Bible doesn't matter
we've heard it all a before from sermons and Sunday school
never from his book or from his voice
the Bible is just a reference tool socially
it's all required rituals, rules and youth group trips
they walk us through what we believe
we never hear love from graceful lips

So bring a date and bring a friend and socialize before service begins

We're making up more as we go along
and the weight of the morals the righteous men carry
we can make up more rules or cut some of them out
it's really all quite arbitrary

We will not learn from he who offers his voice to us daily and gives us life
we can read about it in colorful brochures
and see when service starts that night

As long as we sit under this roof
we're earning our way to a perfect heaven
I'm sure the Lord said something similar among the things that were said
when he walked among us and healed the diseased
if he came to our new location
I'm sure he'd be pleased with all our modern accommodations,
new paint and electrical tools
while the heathens sit at home,
idly they waste away like fools
we sit complacent and stagnant
and pleased that the building we've made finally suits our needs
and now we can learn and grow in this place
not by his voice or seeking his face


-showbread


what a song! whew. sadly true often times.


*i saw this band a few years ago. i got hit on by the guitarist. i have never felt like i was in a movie more than i did that night. i was the tall blonde standing to the side of the stage & he was the flailing musician looking at me from stage trying to get me to come up there. haha. hilarious...

missing a stranger

how could i miss someone this much?
someone i barely know.
it seems impossible.
someone i may never see again.


i'm ready to go home.
as wrong as it is...
i just wish i were with "you."


i don't know anymore.
the heartbreak.
the impatient waiting.
the persistence to do what's right.


as much as i love to love.
sometimes it really is exhausting.
loving & not knowing what the outcome will be.

loving & losing.

ouch.

it happens more times than not.


*i won't forget.
that night we spent.
walking down.
the dark lit.
streets of this town.
the gleam in your eyes.
your uninhibited smile.
& how i felt when you took my hand.
for the first time.




i'll just


l.o.v.e.


♥


my september 1st post stills rings true for you. that one is still yours.

11.23.2008

Here I am once again.
So much to say.
I wish that I had a pen & paper in my hand at all times to write things down so I don’t forget them.

This weekend was spent in Virginia…remembering a man that paved the way for eternity. That touched the life of every single person he met. I hope to leave a legacy behind like that. I couldn’t help but sit there & ask God for a double portion of this man’s life…just like Elisha's double portion. The mantle that he transferred to his children and grandchildren was…well, there are no words. Anyways…a refreshing journey to say the least. One of his son’s said this about his father:

“He set the standards high. And he made it easy.”

So true. I love that. That was so papa.

I love the man for his life. I’m absolutely head over heels in love with his family. I had the honor of speaking with the majority of them while I was there & I’ve never met anyone like them. The desire in my heart to have a massively large family becomes even more real for me when I’m around them.

The story of mama & papa’s “engagement” or what have you may have struck right through to my heart. And once again I was reassured that God is again in control of every aspect of my life. It was as though God was telling me… “you see. It is possible…if you just trust me.”

Anyways…God has been speaking directly to me lately. The 1st time that’s ever been the case in my entire life. The prophetic is something that I am still a “newbie” at. But this is at least the 2nd time I have had a discerning spirit about someone within the past few weeks. Extremely unlike me…& extremely LIKE God. I won’t go into the whole story, but let’s just say I am extremely excited that God is beginning to raise me up in this capacity for His Kingdom. Now just praying for the boldness to speak His words & that I would get out of the way so that He would be the One that is glorified.

On another occasion over the weekend, I was encouraged by another & am pretty sure I was an encouragement to him. I feel a deep connection to people who live their life like me. The crazy thing is that I can almost if not always spot them immediately. You know what I’m talking about? It’s those people that live their lives with passion. That dream largely & dare to think outside of the box. I have found my heart easily entangled in them. In their lives. I rarely meet people who I feel as though they live they’re lives with the complete openness that I do. I can think of several in particular that I feel as though I could take by the hand right now & never let go of. It is these people that encourage me unknowingly to press on. To dream big. To envision something greater. Giving me hope that it’s not just me. that I’m not alone. Sometimes I wonder how ridiculous I am for believing that I can “save” the entire world. Then other times…I think… “who am I not to change the world.” I may be just a simple girl. But I’m a simple girl who loves Jesus & loves people. The people that no one else loves.

So. That’s me. Revolutionary. Visionary. Dreamer.

Thank you Jesus for those people that you have subtly put in my life to keep me moving forward.

They’ll never see this but:

My love to papa (the trailblazer). To the knopps (the dreamers).

And to Jesus…the Lover of my soul. The Beat of my heart. The Breath in my lungs. And the Glimmer of Hope in my eyes.


.yours truly.