5.11.08

I know I said I doubt I’d ever blog during the summer, but it looks like I was wrong as usual. :) I’ve been at it like every day, but that’s just because classes haven’t started yet. And I will no longer be able to say that tomorrow. Wah! But I graduate in 1 year. Yes. I said 1 year. I know…I’m in denial too. Yesterday I babysat my babies…which I found out are no longer babies. One is 5 & the other almost 7. The oldest I have been babysitting since 6 months & the younger since birth. I suddenly feel a sense of the words responsibility & adulthood. It’s weird how I feel like a mother to them & they’re not even my own. It’s absolutely crazy how quickly time goes.

I have always been harassed on the boyfriend scenario. I guess because I have such high standards. I don’t even really like using that word because it makes it seem as though I’m looking for a perfect guy & people tend to think that I’m unrealistic. The truth is I’m not looking for a perfect guy…just the perfect guy. The guy God has for me is the perfect one. I’ve been waiting for my prince charming for 21 years…& still waiting. People think I’m crazy, but I don’t really care. I’ve never lived up to the world’s expectations, so why should I start now? Of course I’m not hiding away in my room with a bag on my head expecting him to notice me, but I refuse to settle for anything that isn’t what God has for me.

Everyone from my grandparents to my hairdresser to my gynecologist asks me about my love life. Ok…my gyn has her reasons I guess. Haha. Yesterday my 7 year old asked me if I was getting married sometime. I told her I didn’t know, but probably I would. She then asked me if I had a boyfriend…to which I said no. Then she proceeds to say & I quote “You don’t have a boyfriend! That’s the first step.” Yeah…now I’m being harassed about my love life by a 7 year old. Great.

New subject: (I’m lowsy at transitions & exceptionally scatterbrained @ 12 am)

Why does it seem that boys have almost a perfect track record of being “chronic disappearers” when you need them the most? I don’t know. This has just been my experience with them. Maybe it’s just my luck or maybe they get tired of waiting for me. I have no one in particular in mind. You know what though…I’m sitting here thinking of all my guy friends I have & have had in the past & I’m having the hardest time thinking of just 1 who hasn’t disappeared in one sense of the word or another. Scares me. That had nothing to do with anything in my life right now. I don’t know why I’m even saying it.

Today was mother’s day. I love my mother. I wouldn’t be here without her. For more reasons than one. :) She is the most selfless & beautiful woman I’ve ever met. I hope one day I’m just like her.

Aside from that…nothing to report. But there’s rarely ever a dull moment in my life so there probably will be some sort of exciting news soon.

.cheers.

5.9.08

The good news is I have gotten back into writing a little bit. If feels pretty good…and I finally got to paint today. I painted my mom a flower for mothers day on a canvas which I insisted on giving her early & it is now hanging on the wall. It looks like a 4 year old did it, but I loved every second of it. I sat outside in my backyard on a blanket & painted…brush in hand & the wind blowing in my hair. Refreshing. I’ve got to do it more often. Maybe I should switch over to those paint by number ones though. :)

I have not much else to say. Everything is still crazy in the life of me as usual…but I’m kind of learning to “roll with the punches” & still trying to balance life & make decent decisions concerning my life. There’s so many things I have to do. So many things I need to do. And so many things I want to do. Hopefully accomplishments will soon follow.

I wish I was getting my jeep in the next few weeks, but looks like that’s not gonna be for quite some time. :) I’ll keep work work working hard. I actually rolled all the windows down in the car today & pretended I was in a jeep. I know…this could qualify me for psychiatric help. But I can’t help it. I really want one. I’ll get there one day. No worries. I’ll keep dreaming. It keeps me breathing.

.cheers.

I’m so lost in your eyes
So lost in your touch
Your heart is a river flowing free
Everything I wish I could be
Your smile makes me weak
There’s so many things I’d like to say to you
But the words never come out right
We’re so far away from home
But home is when I look in your eyes
Waiting to see you again
Is like waiting through the night
To see the sun
It’s on the horizon
Beautiful and bright
I’m only waiting for the break of daylight
You’re my sunshine
My eyes when I’m so blind
I’ll keep waiting for you
For your eyes
Your touch
I miss you
But I’ll see you soon
Until then
You’ll be in my dreams

5.8.08

I have watched the movie 27 dresses about a million times in the past few days. It’s kind of a chic flick I suppose. The main character reminds me so much of myself that it absolutely scares me. If only James Marsden would come sweep me off my feet…haha.
That’d be the day. :) It was funny because I just blogged about me feeling like I’m always taking care of everybody & that I needed someone to just take care of me for a while…& that’s exactly what the story line was. Weirdness. And I guess sometimes we all just need to learn to say no. Me especially, because I’m always trying to make other people happy.

Today was horrendous. Don’t you love how the last 2 blogs were about my terrible days. :) Aside from getting myself in a conundrum in the parking garage & scratching my mother’s car to oblivion…

I don’t know. It was just too much for me to handle for one day on top of everything else. I feel terrible about it, but I’m hanging in. I guess it’s just life for you. If I was my mother, I would have kicked my butt. Some poor guy had to come help me out after I had gotten myself into this irreversible situation. It was then suddenly that I realized I needed a man in my life A.S.A.P. Haha. No seriously. For the 1st time in a while I had gotten myself in a situation where I absolutely needed someone to help ME & I was no longer strong enough to handle the situation myself which is unusual for me considering I usually am. It actually kind of scared me a little bit. I don’t think it’s really pride that I don’t ask for help. I mean maybe a little bit, but I think it’s more just independence & wanting to prove that I can do it by myself. Ok…I guess that’s considered pride. Nevermind. Anyways…God bless his sweet heart. He bailed me out. Of course asking me how in the heck I could have ever maneuvered the car into that tight of a space. To which I proceeded to tell him that I had no idea. I was shaking like a leaf & about to bust into tears. Then he got me out of the car & I watched him straighten everything up as if it was no big deal at all. I told you all I wanted was someone to rescue me. And well I guess I got a hero today. Of course I wasn’t really looking for a hero in that kind of situation, but I guess I’ll take what I can get. I felt like such a reject & entwined in utter humiliation, but as he was walking away I still managed to shout at him, “You are my hero.” But it really was true. I am completely convinced that I wouldn’t have made it without him today. And all the while I am extremely thankful for him, I know that in his heart of hearts, he felt truly needed. Though this seems as though such a small accomplishment, he meant the world to me. A poor little girl crying for help just needed a strong guy confident in what he was doing to save her. I would have been completely confident in a divine intervention from God. I guess you never really know how many people you are going to reach or how many people you may be pulling out of the dirt. Heroes seem to show up in the strangest of places. I actually have a lot of heroes & I guess I don’t mention it to them enough, but even some of the people that I have met this year…even with their smiles, high fives, waves, kisses on my cheek or those little brushes against my arm…felt to me like they were saving my life. Not really that I was dying or anything. Haha. But just their smile…made me breathe in something of the feeling of tranquility and made me feel that I am in fact beautiful and needed.

Jesus is all that I will ever need & I am certain that if a man never came into my life, I would be fine, yet at the same time, God knows the desires of my heart which longs for a wonderful man who will love me & take care of me like He does. I am determined not to mess it up, but the older I become, the more difficult things get. And the more difficult things get, the more I find myself wishing he was here. Yet the more difficult things get, the more I learn to cling to the Father…the Lover of my heart.

I wish I could tell you that every hour of every day I spend calling upon the name of the Lord, but that’s just not the case. I’m so selfish & completely lost, yet He never gives up on me. He thinks about me constantly as I’m too busy to even remember to thank Him for the tiniest of things. It’s such a relief to know that even though most of the time I screw up, He’s still waiting to catch me when I fall.

New subject. Sheesh my blogs have been long lately. I’m having to type them on my laptop & then go somewhere else later to post because I don’t have internet. Haha. I start school Monday. That was the favor of God right there. I was absolutely positive that I wasn’t going to be able to get into a maymester & well…I did!  I mean I really am excited about it despite the fact that it IS a speech class in which I HATE public speaking. But I’m sure I’ll make it. I always do. Then for regular summer session I should be taking 2 classes & 2 labs. It will be tough, but it will lighten my already tremendous load that I have next year. I’m determined to make it my best year of college yet. There’s so many amazing people that I’ve already met & I need them to rub off on me. OBVIOUSLY….I need a little help. :)

Anyways. I hope that I can be a hero for someone somewhere.

I am so thankful for those who have been heroes in my life.
And for my Hero.
That saved my life.
When He conquered the grave.
And set me free.


.love.

long. just breathe.

Where to begin? It’s always my question. For starters….my sis & I wrote a poem a few weeks ago. This is what we came up with. It had to be in slant rhyme (whatever that means) just as Emily Dickinson & Walt Whitman wrote & well I don’t want to brag or anything, but we got a 100. Not to mention we fooled the whole class into thinking it was Dickinson. I actually wonder from time to time what my life would have been like if I had chosen to become a journalist. Anyways…here is the A+ poem, which seemed a little risky turning in to a public school system. Nonetheless, Jesus got all of the glory. Short…sweet & to the point. Enjoy:


Lying in a field of flowers-
Gazing at the sky-
Loosing track of the hour-
Watching birds fly by.

Leaves blowing in the wind-
Yellow, orange and red-
He takes me by the hand-
“Come with me,” He said.

Oh what a glorious day!
All the things He made.
He washed my pain away-
His own life He laid.


Cha-ching! I like writing songs better, but I guess I’ll take what I can get.

Today. Today. Was difficult? Wait…let me say it with confidence. Was difficult.


I have few annoyances that really make me want to lash out irrationally. But I dare say the one that annoys me the most is arrogance, vanity or egotism. Pick your choice of those 3 words. They all basically mean the same. I can’t tell you how unbelievable exhausted I am just even watching people try to live up to other people’s expectations. Watching people trying to be perfectionists. It’s like seeing a possum get hit by a car REPEATEDLY. From the outside, they look absolutely perfect, but on the inside, they’re just bleeding like everyone else. I have found that the people that actually “look like they have it together the most” do in fact, have nothing together at all. In my opinion, there may not be anything worse than me than those people who look at themselves in every bloomin reflection they just happen to walk by. I HATE that. I’m thinking in my head…. “they absolutely did NOT just fix their hair looking in that stupid metal fork.” I could write on this pesky annoyance for hours, but I will spare you. I guess my point is…I myself even need to try to stop living up to people’s expectations. Of course I care to an extent what people think about me, because I’d prefer not to be thought of a slob or what have you. Yet, I have found that I could really care less about what people say about me. Because who are they to have an opinion about someone they don’t even know? Like I’ve said before, I am the kind of person that feels an extreme importance to say what you are thinking, even if people may take it wrong. If you never did this, then what is the point of encouragement & loving someone? Loving someone means that you are going to HAVE to be vulnerable. In fact, being vulnerable is the hardest part of love I think. It is so hard to put your heart in someone else’s hands & then trust them not to break it. A lot of the time you will get hurt, but what is living if you aren’t taking any risks? I saw a sign today which read, “you miss 100% of the shots you never take.” I had heard that one before, but it’s like I actually READ it this time. How will you ever get on a personal level with someone if you don’t tell them what you’re thinking?...if you never take any risks? I never want to live my life feeling like I am missing out or as if I wished I had said something. I never want to miss out on a great friendship…a great love. I never want to have regrets.

I feel the need just like everyone else to STAND OUT. Yet in the long run, what does it matter anyways? I know what it’s like to have a ton of friends & I know what it’s like to go through those times in life where you feel like you have no one. But I’m so tired of the constant battle in my mind (like every woman in the world) of whether I’m “good enough.” Whether my butt is too big…my confidence to shaky…whether I will ever be needed by anyone. Thank you to society, media & Hollywood for wrecking my identity & my sense of self worth along with the millions of others men & women in this country. Some days I am bold & confident in who I am & others…well…you know the story.

Maybe it’s sheer jealousy, because everyone else seems to always get what I want even if I’m working hard towards it. Sometimes I guess it’s just not in the cards for me, yet this doesn’t make it any easier to watch other people live my dream. Of course I am thrilled for those who make it, but if you never learn to work hard to get where you’re going…maybe you are living your life all in vain. If you have everything handed to you, how can you ever truly know a sense of accomplishment? You’ll have no accomplishment & you grow up spoiled, inadequate & fearful that the world might tear you apart, which seems to generally happen in these situations. Things in the life are tough & somehow or another, you have to learn to stand up for yourself. A petition for love. For life. For real beauty. We need something like this. Just a little something I was thinking about.

It’s actually something I think about a lot, because I’ve always had to fight really hard for what I want. More times than not, I end up on my face, but as long as I keep getting back up, the stronger I become. But quite honestly, I’m just ready to give it all up. Screw the pressure. The pressure to be beautiful. The pressure to be rich. The pressure to have a boyfriend telling me I’m beautiful. I don’t need it. I never have. In the words of Kirsten Dunst in the movie Elizabethtown, “I don’t need an icecream cone.” To which Orlando Bloom proceeds to ask, “What’s an icecream cone?” In reply, “It’s something sweet that makes you feel good & melts in 10 minutes.” I’ve never lived my life in any of the sense of the word “normal” & the truth is I like it that way. I hate conformism…with a passion. We loose our individuality & our creativity when we conform.

Besides, I shouldn’t have to be the “substitute” for anyone. I don’t date any old Joe Smo just to have a man by my side. I refuse to be like everyone else. I am who I am. End of story. And whether I am hidden behind the shadows of those who are more beautiful, more intelligent & more outgoing than me, I am still just me. I am perfectly happy not to be in the lime light 24/7. Yeah it’s fun to be the attention. Yeah it feels good, but at the end of the day, if I have not found someone to love, my search to “be seen” or to “be known” is all in vain. I meet lots of people. I talk to people every chance that I can get & I love it. I love to listen to other people. It’s like when I talk to them I can see their souls. Maybe I love it because for a moment I can actually stop thinking about myself. I think I’d rather live my life in the realm of the unseen so that people will no longer see ME, but instead the One who lives IN ME. I would rather spend my life learning to love than spend it being just another pretty face in the crowd, who no one will remember.


God forgive me for my jealousy.
Forgive me of my attitude & judgment.
Help me to learn to love like You.
Make me beautiful.
Make me a light for Your Kingdom.
So that it is only You that is seen.



Not to us…but to Your name be the glory. -psalm 115:1



“I’m hard to remember, but I’m impossible to forget.” –elizabethtown

whew

whatever that drink is. i want one.

i'm exhausted. last day of finals is tomorrow & then i'm off to home. dearest home.
oh boy. why do things never turn out like i plan? i can plan what i'm going to do & exactly what i'm going to say.

then i never do what i thought i was going to do. i never say what i really want to say. my heart seems to work so much harder than what i can actually get out of my mouth. then i get mad at myself that things didn't work out like i planned even though technically it's out of my hands. haha. oh what a day! :) i give up.

i guess whatever happens...happens.

i hope this summer turns out well & that i learn to find complete contentment in whatever situation i'm in. that will be a hard one, but i'm gonna see what i can do. i don't have a computer at home so if i ever blog on here, count it as an absolute blessing. i'll try my best, but i can't make any promises.

much love.