we weren 't crazy

this is the only song i'm listening to right now.





♥

it reminds me of you.
my cowboy boots.
our worn out jeans.
you're smile.
the summer sun.
the sand in our feet.
the wind blowing in our hair.
that song we listened to.
the bed of your truck.
the moonlight sky.
lying under a blanket of stars.
your beautiful eyes.
and the spark of love we once had.



"we were young, we were wild, we were restless
had to go, had to fly - had to get away
took a chance on that feelin’ - baby
we were lovin’ blind - borderline reckless
we were livin’ for the minute we were spinnin’ in
maybe we were a lot of things
but we weren't crazy" -josh gracin



...i wish you were here with me even now. ♥

5.17.09

Walk Away:

Perhaps Ben Harper was right.

“And it’s so hard to do & so easy to say, but sometimes you just have to walk away.”


I don’t even feel that I can elaborate on that one. He completely sums it all up. May times I feel that it would simply be in my best interest to walk away. But I don’t even know how to do that. With as many people in my life I have watched walk away, you’d think I would catch on.

It truly has never been appealing to me, maybe because I know the pain that it can cause. Then again, I tend to hang on just a little too tightly. Although I don’t necessarily consider that a flaw. I only hang on to the things that I truly want to fight for. To the things in my life that really matter. To the things that I am passionate about.


Hmm. I don’t know. I listened to that song earlier. Made me think. Now I’m lying here listening to death cab. Good stuff.


Anyways, so mom & I were cleaning out the basement the other day. I found my dinosaur sheets from when I was like 3. AMAZING. I just put them on my bed today. I have never felt ready to sleep more in my entire life. I still act like a 3 year old some days. I am lying in my dinosaur sheets as I type this. Yet part of me would like to get up & jump on my bed now. Possibly screaming loudly in gibberish, all the while making a mess by knocking over my water bottle. It’s 1 am. I feel that this would just complete the environment I have now set up for myself. I love it.

Other than this. Nothing to report. Same ol’ same ol. I’m still dealing with the same momentous ordeals that I was yesterday. Thinking a lot about things. About getting my life back in order. How to even take the 1st step to even approach that.

I’m still here.
Dreaming.
Trying to figure this out.



…just like everybody else.


.no worries.

farrah fawcett 5.16.09

Seriously. I am about to write a tribute to her. Not even kidding. A 2 hour special came on tv tonight that I watched. Impressive considering I rarely even watch tv. Anyways…a 2 hour special of Farrah’s battle with cancer. Everyone should have watched it. In fact, I would kind of like to watch it again. I can sum this all up with 3 little words. Life is precious. The sooner we realize the importance of being alive, the better. Farrah closed the show by saying simply this… “what are you fighting for?” I was almost in shock as I heard these words come from her mouth. This is something that I often think of myself. I thought it was a perfect ending her story. Her courage was astonishing. All I kept thinking was…oh my God, how could you have enough will power to push yourself through something like that. As devastating her story…to watch her tell it was life changing.

That’s all I’ll say about it. Watch it if you ever get the chance.

5.15.09

There are tons of wonderful things in my life…yet for some reason, when my heart is aching the most; I feel the most necessity to write. I am hoping that it doesn’t come across as negativity whatsoever, because that is definitely not my intention.

On friends:

I realize how few I have. True friends that is. I know what you’re thinking. No one has more than a few true friends. But still…I look back on the friendships in my life that have faded. Some slowly. Some too quickly. I wonder how on earth they got to be that way. I feel that I have a lost a best friend during almost every season of my life. That accounts for about a handful of them. That also accounts for my skepticism of allowing someone to be that close to me I suppose. Some ‘loses’ (for lack of a better word’ were due to life changes & were exceptionally difficult to let go of. Others left deep scars on my heart as they walked out & still cut somewhat deeper as even think about them now.

On family:

I have a wonderful family. Still praying for God’s restoration on my family. As a child I keep hoping & praying. Then some days it gets to the point where I feel that my hoping is all in vain. I remember at the start of the difficulties…I would cry myself to sleep only able to say in my prayers… “God, please fix this.” Sometimes, still that is all I am able to get out.

On relationships:

My heart & my head disagree on just about everything. I know what my head wants, but it’s not the same that my heart wants. I have seen how easily I can be blinded by my head so that my heart is no longer sure what it wants. I realized this for the first time last week when what could have been a life altering decision was right before my eyes. Everyone tells me I made the right decision & I believe that it was. It’s difficult to understand how something that seems to fit perfectly & seems so right can be so wrong. How deceptive! It seems unfair of life to hit me when I’m down. Before I even get the chance to get back on my feet. But that’s life. I was absolutely certain of what I was looking for, but now that things have changed & love is staring me right in the face…I’m not so sure anymore.

Though everything in me screams to run back to that place which is comfortable, my heart tells me no. I am learning the hard way that sometimes being alone is the right choice. which naturally at times makes me slightly frustrated. I hate being alone. Especially when I have the choice not to be, but knowing that if I also choose to not be alone I am also making the wrong decision, even though it is what feels right. I wish that I were not so concerned about making mistakes. I realize this scene may not make entire sense, but just take it for what it is worth.

All I know is that many times, I will have to climb my mountain all by myself. Sometimes God calls us to things in which we must go alone. I don’t understand why. All I know is that He does.

Making mistakes in life is inevitable…but the guilt often tears at my heart along with the fear of failing. At the same time, decision making is also inevitable. Decisions must be made. The ones that I have made thus far have been exceptionally difficult. And many more will come. I am certain of it.

Perhaps this entire post could have been summed up as such:

My biggest concern now is simply finding my niche.

Not what makes me comfortable per se.

But instead aligning my heart with the heart of the Father.

So that THERE in that place.

Surely I will find rest.

PGD

for my pre-med majors. NO this does not stand for preimplantation genetic disorder.

ok...we technically it does, but not in the sense that i am using it. i have been joking all week that i have PGD (POST GRADUATION DEPRESSION) disorder.

...only i wasn't really joking.


i didn't even think it was a real disorder. but i'm living proof that it is. i hope i get over this soon. you don't know how many times i have said the words..."i miss florida. i miss my friends. i miss the sunshine."

every day i think about moving back there.
i have more to say in regards to this, but i'm tired.
later perhaps.


i have like 3 blogs i've written & haven't posted yet.
i guess i owe you.

♥

tommy page

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6AanBNGZxpw


i've always wanted a song with my name in it. i'm pretty much in love with this one...

on restlessness.

i am blogging on restlessness. My own to be exact. i feel that i could pick no better word to describe the way that i feel at the moment.

restlessness.
a word that i have been dwelling on.
thinking on.
what is restlessness?
what is it that has made me feel so restless?
is restlessness a negative or a positive?

for the 1st time in my life i believe i am seeing the positives to reslessness...if i am even correct in saying that there are in fact positives.

i have this inherent feeling of discontentment. or rather inability to be satisfied. i feel that no matter what happens...i will always feel the sting of disappointment. is that simply because i have a cynical outlook on things? are my expectations too high? i often wish that i wasn't quite so cynical. after time life kind of pushes you towards cynicism. but that is not what this is about.

restlessness. here you must imagine me saying this in an inquisitive manner. once agian...what does it mean to be truly restless? am i correct in saying that the restless are the ones that make the largest impact on the world? who in history what restless? i see many to be described as this word. how about...

martin luther king jr
mother theresa


was Jesus Christ restless?

the world changers are somewhat restless & unsatisfied with the current state of things. someone please tell me...am i incorrect in my state of thinking? though there is a time for rest...perhaps there is also a time to be wide awake dreaming of how to find solutions to the problems that lie before us.

restless. that i am! i am ready for change. oddly enough change rubs me raw, yet i crave it. graduation. a success. yet just another turn in life to make me realize what i had has now blown away like a seed blown in the wind. here. then gone. i can not say that i didn't know what i had til it was gone. for i actually did realize it. i cried like a baby at my departure. & i have struggled to catch my breath ever since i left.

yes. i cried. i know you're surprised. savor it. i'll put my pride down momentarily to tell you that. my friends. i could not survive without them. thankful. doesn't even hit the spectrum of things.

regret. i live without it. i choose to live without it. of course i make mistakes which leave me with the initial state of guilt & regret. but when it comes to saying exactly what i want to say to people...i will say it as if i were to get no other chance to say it. then i watch as the chips fall where they may.

i will proclaim love when i love.
beauty where i see beauty.
hope to those who are hopeless.
courage when there is fear.
and serenity in the presence of clamour.

the only regret to which i can attribute to myself is not doing the things that i really want to do. not thinking of myself highly enough, or lacking the confidence to complete the task. all of this i am certain will change with time, as i have already seen it thus far.

with this restlessness has come great expectation for the future. what am i becoming? where will i be? who will i be? i feel that i have gotten to that point in my life where no where feels like home. i feel somewhat like a vagabond. perhaps that is how i know that MY life is truly beginning. "home is where the heart is". i think i am now able to grasp fully that concept.

the possibilities of moving back to florida are there no doubt. i joked about it quite a bit. never thought i'd actually own up to how much i love it there. parts of my heart i left with the sunshine. it's been only a few days since i left. & i already miss my "sunshine".

everyone keeps asking me what is next for me in my life. my answer is always the same.

i don't know.

perhaps it is best this way. it keeps my life ADVENTUREOUS...



...just the way i like it. :)

lots to express

weary eyes that won't allow me to at the moment.
graduation. is completed.
goodbyes. are in progress.
love. i am broken because of it.
perception. difficult to comprehend.


♥


he has my heart tangled in knots.
my head fuzzy with wishful thinking.
butterflies in my stomach.
and me dreaming with my eyes wide open.

but what will become of us?