papa

my dear papa died yesterday. paul knopp...my spiritual grandfather.
without he & momma...

i wouldn't want to see
what life would have been like without them.

i will write more later.

love anyways.

i'm hurt. disappointed.

but somehow.

you learn to love beyond that.

i don't know how.

but you do.

last night i wanted to cry.

but i simply couldn't.

i'm broken.

and in need of rescuing.

my Savior, my God.

my best friend.

take my heart.



...last week, i had somewhat of a "scare." anyways...long story short, i'm completely fine. but at the time, i had to get my heart checked out.

while i was lying on a table in the hospital the Lord spoke to me.
He said to me,

"i know your heart."

those four words. from my Jesus.


& Jesus i want to know Yours.

i live to hear His voice.

what else is there?


this is a completely different subject.
but a lot in my life i have been ridiculed for being "the good girl"
or for being "perfect."

perfection is definitely something i'm not.
something that i have never pretended to be.

when people told me that they thought this of me...it always bothered me.
until last night when i read the Scripture.

"be perfect as I am perfect." -matthew 5:48

life of disorder & contentment

when people state a sentence & then the immediate sentence after that is "no offense" it always means that whatever they said was offensive & they know they shouldn't have said it. it's a complete oxymoron & it drives me crazy.

thank you. i just wanted to get that off of my chest.


.transition.

i love that random people come up to talk to me. and vice versa.
i love talking to strangers. i frequently meet them. & i love it.
i love love it.


.transition.


yesterday i sat in encounter. me & Jesus.
He specifically told me...

"that where I am, there you may be also."

like...i don't even think that i realized that was in the Bible until my roommate read me that portion of Scripture late last night.

a frequent tradition of us.
that i have become quite fond of nonetheless.


♥
but it's exciting to hear from God.

i love hearing His voice.

and i only hear it when i listen.
i am learning to listen.
to wait.
and seek.

but i feel like He & i are becoming closer than before.
that i am starting to catch glimpses of His love everywhere i go.

i have no idea

why God told me a few days ago what He did, but i told Him that i would do it if that's what He wants & so that's what i'm doing. i had a very big decision to make & wasn't sure what the right thing to do was. when He 1st told me, i wasn't even sure if it was Him.

& it's hard.
but i'm doing it.
because i love Him.
and i want to do what He tells me to.


for no other reason.

God give me patience & grace throughout the next several months.

election

it's official. we now have a new president.

i feel like i am in partial denial.

God's in control so i'm not worried in the least.

i am however heartbroken for the things that will probably come.

the things that make my heart ache are the things that make His ache.

America is the most wonderful country.

i have been so unbelieveably blessed.

revelations

i had the most profound thing to write to you this morning, yet had no time before my class & i have now somewhat lost the inspiration. don't you hate that?

i'll work on it & get back to you.

i woke up

this morning with the most unpleasant sense of loneliness.
i feel as though i'm a walking contradiction. i love to be alone.
my independence & unwillingness to sometimes let other people help
me i sometimes scary. yet...i find myself the majority of the time
completely alone. not on account of my "unsociality." i can honestly
say that. perhaps i am not the most outgoing person, but i will go
anywhere & everywhere with just about anyone. i just find it particularly
odd that i haven't even found one person that hasn't...well...let me down.
i mean people letting you down is inevitable. but maybe the better term
is...walked out on me when i needed them most. this seems to happen quite
frequently in my life & i have no idea why. which makes me unbelievably
guarded & reluctant to share my heart with anyone. i didn't mean for this post to
be a pity party for me. just sending a cosmic question into the void. i wish
there was just one person that i could trust. one person that could share my
heart with. without any fear or worry that the next day they would be gone.
jesus jesus...he's my man.

ok...i meant to say one earthly person. haha.
that would be nice.
not the greatest way to start off my day
nonetheless...


jesus...is my strength when i have none.

♥

found this

♥


So I feel like writing. What's new? I always do, but sadly I rarely get around to it. Due to popular demand, I should more often. Personally I guess I'm a little hard on myself, but if everyone else thinks I'm an intriguing writer…who am I to argue right? Haha. Just kidding. But to all my fans who at least tell me that I inspire them, I love you forever. Thanks again for the kind words.


I love writing. I wish that I had time for it more. I think it's the only way to say what's on my heart without it actually stuttering out of my mouth when I'm trying to speak it. Words always get so tangled up in my mouth, but if it comes straight from my heart, I'm usually doing ok. I used to be such a songwriter & now I miss that. I mean I still am, but I just need to gather up the time.


I've been thinking a lot lately. Well, I always think a lot, but I really have been a lot about everything. About My life. My love. My dreams. You know, the same stuff that everyone thinks about I guess. Maybe it's cause I'm in college & suddenly I realize that my future is approaching so quickly.


You know those times in your life where you're like…am I doing the right thing? I mean in making life decisions. Like…what in the world is God calling me to? What if I mess up somewhere along the way? That is going no where. I just wondered if you have ever thought about it. I have.


On another note, if there's one thing I've learned, it's….life is all about waiting for God's timing. I guess everyone always wants immediate answers, but they practically never come like that.

Waiting is hard. Probably one of the hardest things ever. I mean sometimes I wonder…


Why can't God just be like……..Steph, go do this. And I be like….Yay God! Ha. Do you ever wonder what it would be like if God worked that way? I guess that would totally defeat the purpose of His blessing if we didn't wait.


It's such a good thing He doesn't do things my way.

I'm so inadequate.


Anyways. My dreams. I have so many of them. I don't know which one to shoot for. Maybe all of them? In my case…this would be a little difficult. I can't even count all of them. There's so many different sides to myself that sometimes it freaks myself out. There's so much I want to do & I feel like the world is at my fingertips. I'm such a dreamer. Haha. I never even tell anyone hardly what all of my dreams are. Probably because I can never remember all of them.


And of course I have been thinking about my love. Yeah that's usual and yeah I'm about to get mushy. I wonder where he is. Of course being the girl that I am, I can't help myself. I keep picturing us catching eyes one day & knowing right then & there that we are going to forever be together. Of course…the light from the heavens is shining down from the sky & there's a gleam in my eye. Hahahaha. I'm such a romantic. Shut up. I really can't help it. Still young. And still waiting for God's best. No intention of giving up. I've waited to long & too hard for that. People say that it can't be done, but I'll prove them wrong.


Oh…I have such a heart for people. I'm not sure why. I mean, I know why, but you know what I mean. I was so sad today. You wanna know what I was upset about? I was upset that not everyone knows Jesus. Yeah…I know. How kindergarden-ish does that sound? But seriously I was saddened by it. I wish that everyone knew the Jesus that I do. I so wish! I have a heart for so much stuff that I'm not sure what to do. Or can all of it be done?


Anyways. As usual I don't know where this is going. And as usual….it's so long. I write no other way but long. Well, unless I'm songwriting of

course.


I don't know. Between the feeling of inadequacy, pain, weariness & confusion…I've found joy.


Not everything in life makes sense. In fact nothing in my life really ever does, but I'm not worried.



♥
this is something i wrote a while back
for the brokenhearted:



Close your eyes love

Take my hand

And hold on tight

Everything will be alright

Soon the light is coming

I know it's hard for you to see

The pain you feel is so real

As your heart starts beating

At the speed of light

You feel it pounding in your chest

As you begin to lose your breath

You wonder if there is hope

I'm here to tell you there is

Don't give up or let go

Don't give in

You're not alone

I'm right here

Waiting to catch you





.cheers.