I am in the mood to write. I don’t even know where to start as usual. I feel like my life only has endings and no beginnings. It has no hellos, only goodbyes. Why is that? Anyways…I have this feeling I can’t shake. It’s a feeling I’ve been trying to shake for a while now. I know I said I’d be completely honest on my blog, but I try my hardest not to share some things in my life. Mostly because it’s hard for me to share them but not because by any means am I embarrassed. I’m pretty much the most open person about anything you want to know. And if you asked me about that time in my life I would tell you the truth…but just don’t expect me to give away free information about it. I was thinking tonight about the things that I want for my life. I want so much and I give so little. Yet I give so much but take so little. If that makes any sense…I don’t know. It’s new years eve. Another year has come and gone. I feel like times changed but I haven’t. Or is it the other way around. Maybe it’s both. I’m such a fighter. But like I said in the last post I’m unbelievably stubborn. I can’t let go easily and I always fight for what I want even if it means I get hurt in the mean time. I’ve never let anyone tell me what to do or who to be. The hardest I’ve ever fought in my life was a few years ago…I will never forget it. I fought and fought until I thought I could fight no more. But today I realized that I still haven’t given up the fight. It’s like I fought and then ended up lying on the ground…for a really long time. Even though I’m still fighting, I have never gotten back up on my feet. To say the least I’ve been trying to stand up for months, but every time I do, I just end up back on the ground again. In most circumstances I guess fighting hard would be a good thing, but in this situation, I’m not so sure. I guess there’s a difference between knowing when to fight & when to let go. I keep going back to that fight wondering what I could have done differently. What I could have done better. Wondering what I did wrong. I know that this completely can’t make sense without you hearing my context which I fear I am not strong enough to tell you at the moment. One of my biggest fears is failure. And to say the least I feel that I failed. I know that God protected me from a lot, but in order to do that, He had to take a lot from me. Every now and again I think about going back to it…like a poor child looking for protection from the storm. Then I talk myself out of it. Convincing myself that I’m fine without it. But deep down in my heart…All I need is to know that everything is going to be ok. I feel like I need the closure brought to what used to be. My life is full of “if onlys.” In the mean time I’ll keep breathing just like I always have. I’ll keep dreaming. Maybe someday…maybe someday LOVE will find it’s way back to me.
Do you want to lay your head on my shoulder?
I don't mind if you cry.
Sometimes we all just need to let it out.
Just let your tears run down my arm,
so I can keep them in a blue jar.
We'll drink them later, so just let it out.
Let's take a walk just to clear our heads.
I don't mind that you're holding my hand.
You say you love me, so just let it out.
Your smile is a pleasant change from before,
when you thought that you couldn't take anymore.
Sometimes we all just need to let it out.
-starrfadu
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