people

i know this is a little edgy. but what can i say i'm an edgy girl.

i don't know why this has been burning in my spirit so much the past few days. well, i know why. but i'm even reluctant to say it on here to prevent offense & miscommunication for those who really have no clue what i'm talking about. i feel like the world is dying & going to hell & they don't know it. i mean...it's like serious. i don't mean figurative hell. i mean literal hell. get it? i don't even know what to say about it or how do say it. but it's like...people don't know the Truth. i want someone to kick me in the shin & say...DUH STEPH. but how will they know if we don't tell them? we get on our soapboxes about what is right & what is wrong, but why why why why why can't we just show people the love of Jesus. someone please tell me why we are so hurtful & judgemental? why are we so prideful & scared of what people think about us? if we're no different than anyone else...how will they ever see what's real? i've been hurt so much by people like this. and i thank God that i know the truth. i know this has no reflection on Him, but instead only a reflection on the insecure lips of people who know nothing of His love and mercy. Forgiveness is all i have left for such as these.


just a thought.




if there's one specific strength in my life i can pinpoint (other than i'm glad that i have held purity to such a high standard)...it's that i love people. there are not too many things about myself that i can say i really love myself for. i mean...i'm sure i think of myself to lowly but not lowly enough. can you hear me on that one? but i really love love love people. i don't care who they are. where they came from. what they did. what they look like. i never have. i'm not one to judge. i love people who don't look like me. i love hurting people. i love that i'm not perfect & i love that you aren't perfect. i love that we both mess up. i love when we can just be honest & real about life. about God. & about the things that we have to deal with every day.





i guess i've been thinking about all of this because i had a weird/scary dream last night. without giving you every detail...it was as if this guy (who if i said his name you would know) looked back at me with a tear in his eye. i looked at him, both of us knowing that he was about to die. & me of course knowing that he wasn't going to be with the Lord. nothing else really happened with it, but i remember the pain i felt & that tear that rested on his eye as if to say...i should have listened. i was lost & hurting & no one cared.

i don't know if this makes any sense to you. but it does to me. how much longer will we put God on the back burner & our lives on the front.

frankly i'm sick of it.

i'm ready to chase after God at any cost.
at life.
at death.
scary to say it.
but what else is there
worth living for?






.love.

"i'm ready now. do what You will." -desperation band

oh man

what a week & it's only monday. mom & lins come to visit me on friday...but all the excitement begins on thursday afternoon. :) driving out to tampa to pick up bethany's aunt & her grandma & mom are driving down thursday too. beth & i have already decided to go get a tostada salad. best in the central florida area. haha. here i go again with personal information. yes i suppose i just gave away the fact that i live in central florida. the sunshine state. beautiful.





i love how whenever i have a birthday we celebrate for like an entire week. we're going to 'so far' my favorite restaurant in florida & just relaxing by the beach. that's my idea of a good time. plus it's superbowl weekend...






i can't wait til they get here. i've only been here a few weeks & i'm about ready to move home. haha. i love it here...but you know...like everything else...it gets old after a while. plus i have a ton of "studying" & what not & i haven't cracked a book all semester.





i'm about to go to a volleyball coaches meeting. b & i thankfully got a team together last minute. we only play for about 8 weeks, but it should be fun. even if i have had a hurt ankle for 6 months.




i'm sitting here ravenously hungry too. i've been eating so unbelieveably healthy & exercising every chance i get over the past few weeks. i'm proud of myself. but i wish i had a large piece of chocolate cake right now. haha.





i really doubt you care about my desires for chocolate cake, but i thought i'd fill you in on details anyways.


love.




*listened to this one 8 million times while running the lake. i wish i knew someone named...DAVE. if i did, i'd play it for him.


And I say, "Just go.
Please, Dave, just drive.
Get us as far as far can be.
Get us away from tonight."
And I say, "Oh, Dave, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to yell,
But I'm having quite a bad week
And I miss my mom."
And we drive
Dave steps on the gas
The world that's flying by is slick and smooth
Just big waves of light
The radio is playing Queen
And we're rocking out
We're going now
'Cause, hey, this is it
This is where we are
Out here where silence is
Seventy miles an hour and the windows up tight
And I am home.
-saves the day

the truth

It's haunting to think that,
It was less than perfect.
It's haunting to look back
And still feel like you don't know the whole me.
You showed me, the let you live and grow me.
The hold and let me go me.

It's about time I let you know,
It's about time I let you go.
And if you want the truth,
I don't wanna spend my days
Getting dizzy chasing after you
And you're yesterday's news
I'd hate to take that fire from you,
You're the broken rope, that I hold onto

It's haunting to think that,
In a couple years you'll come back.
I flinch and I react,
You could have left a note.
A strong shout, I scream out,
What's obviously about,
This broken boy and his doubt.

It's about time I let you know,
It's about time I let you go.
And if you want the truth,
I don't wanna spend my days
Getting dizzy chasing after you
And you're yesterday's news
I'd hate to take that fire from you,
You're the broken rope, that I hold onto
That I hold onto

I keep my whole heart so wide open poured.
Head toward my new life as I shut the door behind me.
Pick the pieces right up off the floor.
To fall again I promise just once more, honestly

And if you want the truth,
I don't wanna spend my days
Getting dizzy chasing after you
And you're yesterday's news
I'd hate to take that fire from you,
You're the broken rope, that I hold onto
That I hold onto.

-holiday parade

life

oh...i want to write. i always want to write. about what should i write tonight? who knows.

you know what i've been thinking about lately though??? i love life. i really do. i mean as crappy as it can be & as much as it hurts most of the time, i love it. i love waking up every day not knowing what is going to happen...who i'm going to meet...or what kind of challeges i will overcome during the day.



my top 10 songs right now in no particular order:

-sigur ros: hljomalind
-starrfadu: let it out
-pete yorn: strange condition
-the last goodnight: pictures of you
-jon mclaughlin: beautiful disaster
-jimmy eat world: kill
-sleeping at last: say
-one republic: all we are
-lifehouse: whatever it takes
-holiday parade: the truth






by the way...i am a firm believer in "saying all the things that you really want to say" just like sleeping at last sings. sometimes i come across a little...what's the word??? strong. but it's just the way i am. i've always been that way. i've never let anyone tell me what to do. i'm the most stubborn, strong willed & independent person you may ever run in to. i guess sometimes it can get me into trouble.....but what can i say...it's me. i don't live my life with regrets. i'd rather say something that sounds stupid than live my life wondering why i didn't say what i wanted to. make sense???





random. but i really want to get my nose pierced this summer. i've been waiting to do it for so long. it looks a little painful, but i feel like i will always want to do it until i do it. the "doctor" in me thinks it might be a little dangerous, but again...i don't think i'll be satisfied until i do it. i just gotta find someone to go with me & hold my hand. haha.

to add to the things i want to do this summer i HAVE to pick up my music again. i'm a starving musician with no music. how did that happen? it's killing me. i'm back at it soon i hope. back to writing. back to playing. back to singing.




the remainder of my time will be spent at school i suppose. summer school. yipee. nope. whatever though. i've gotta graduate on time. so i can do whatever it is i'm going to do after i graduate....

go to australia.

i don't know.







i'm completely trusting God. i've been on this mission to trust Him. i've been on this mission to love myself. to not need a boy to validate me, because Jesus validates me. i'm convinced that it's the only way to live. all of these people needing other people for validation makes me cringe.


anyways. unorganized post. unperfect.

like my life.


i don't like to say extremely personal things on here. afterall this is the world wide web, but...

speaking of my life, i'll be 21 in a week.

fun.









.love.

Jesus

I love You.












PLEASE don't let my feet faulter.

beauty

is everywhere

12.30.07

I am in the mood to write. I don’t even know where to start as usual. I feel like my life only has endings and no beginnings. It has no hellos, only goodbyes. Why is that? Anyways…I have this feeling I can’t shake. It’s a feeling I’ve been trying to shake for a while now. I know I said I’d be completely honest on my blog, but I try my hardest not to share some things in my life. Mostly because it’s hard for me to share them but not because by any means am I embarrassed. I’m pretty much the most open person about anything you want to know. And if you asked me about that time in my life I would tell you the truth…but just don’t expect me to give away free information about it. I was thinking tonight about the things that I want for my life. I want so much and I give so little. Yet I give so much but take so little. If that makes any sense…I don’t know. It’s new years eve. Another year has come and gone. I feel like times changed but I haven’t. Or is it the other way around. Maybe it’s both. I’m such a fighter. But like I said in the last post I’m unbelievably stubborn. I can’t let go easily and I always fight for what I want even if it means I get hurt in the mean time. I’ve never let anyone tell me what to do or who to be. The hardest I’ve ever fought in my life was a few years ago…I will never forget it. I fought and fought until I thought I could fight no more. But today I realized that I still haven’t given up the fight. It’s like I fought and then ended up lying on the ground…for a really long time. Even though I’m still fighting, I have never gotten back up on my feet. To say the least I’ve been trying to stand up for months, but every time I do, I just end up back on the ground again. In most circumstances I guess fighting hard would be a good thing, but in this situation, I’m not so sure. I guess there’s a difference between knowing when to fight & when to let go. I keep going back to that fight wondering what I could have done differently. What I could have done better. Wondering what I did wrong. I know that this completely can’t make sense without you hearing my context which I fear I am not strong enough to tell you at the moment. One of my biggest fears is failure. And to say the least I feel that I failed. I know that God protected me from a lot, but in order to do that, He had to take a lot from me. Every now and again I think about going back to it…like a poor child looking for protection from the storm. Then I talk myself out of it. Convincing myself that I’m fine without it. But deep down in my heart…All I need is to know that everything is going to be ok. I feel like I need the closure brought to what used to be. My life is full of “if onlys.” In the mean time I’ll keep breathing just like I always have. I’ll keep dreaming. Maybe someday…maybe someday LOVE will find it’s way back to me.







Do you want to lay your head on my shoulder?
I don't mind if you cry.
Sometimes we all just need to let it out.
Just let your tears run down my arm,
so I can keep them in a blue jar.
We'll drink them later, so just let it out.
Let's take a walk just to clear our heads.
I don't mind that you're holding my hand.
You say you love me, so just let it out.
Your smile is a pleasant change from before,
when you thought that you couldn't take anymore.
Sometimes we all just need to let it out.

-starrfadu