i have so much to say to you

so much on my heart. the good. the bad. the inbetween. all of it is unable to fit in this post.

i want Jesus to wreck me.

my friends and i have been having the most interesting conversations lately. like life conversations. meaningful. thought provoking. i love those anyways. my God. i am so appreciative of my friends. without their encouragement, their continuous smiles, i would not be where i am today. many have come & gone. some have stuck around for a while. but the one thing they all have in common is the piece of my heart that i owe to them. the impressions that they have made upon me. the memories that we have shared. for these, i would not trade anything.

graduation. a word that is becoming more real and real in my life. another chapter closed. another goodbye. another goodbye which i am so unready for. i hate hate hate goodbyes. i know that they bring closure. but sometimes i don't want to bring closure. especially to the things that i hold so dear. at times i guess you simply know that it's time, but it tears at my heart. it tears at my heart so much. to have to think of the unknown. i love the adventure. but it's never easy. just about the time i get used to it, it's time to leave. wow. i never thought it would come and go this quickly.

i'll cry. i'm sure of it. i never do. only with goodbyes. there's always an exception. i'm strong. i'll fight it like i always do. sometimes i feel that i'm too brave for my own good. is that possible?

my biggest fear is that i will go back home & forget who i am again. that i will lose sight of what is important. go back to being apathetic. untrusthing. and hurt.

then i snap back to reality, and push myself to this time find happiness in Jesus. in the One who never lets me down.




40 days. and time waits for no one.

so "here comes goodbye."

My God

send me.

if this doesn't stir your heart...




in the words of one of my heroes stephen christian, "everybody has the responsibility to make a difference."

we all have the call.

the choice is whether we respond.


♥

also this song has been stirring in my heart lately.




"He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us all,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all

He is our portion and we are His prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
So Heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss,
And the heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…

He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Yeah, He loves us"

-john mark mcmillian


john mark mcmillian was at the call Nashville when i was there. the pics at the top are ones that i took when i was there. here you can listen:



or kim walker's version:

this is

beautiful. it puts every other music video to absolute shame.

2.21.09

I want to drop all of my defenses. The expectations that I have put on people. On myself. Drop all of my defenses at Your feet. I’ve had so much to say lately but I haven’t had the time to say it. the words to say it in. I have felt so contradictory recently. Amusingly content, yet painfully discontent. I have found myself between two extremes of which I feel as though I can not escape. The joyfulness that one phase of my life is virtually finished and the fear that the next on is about to begin. The tugging on my heart is like nothing I’ve ever felt. The uncertainty creeps in like an every rushing tide. The relationships I have been so blessed with. yet the cynicism that they will not last. To rid myself of this skepticism is an ongoing battle with me. learning to open myself to the world, to the life of another. Learning to be vulnerable even if it means enduring the pain of losing. I am not afraid of what others think of me. I am not afraid to love. And I’m not even afraid to lose. To take a hit every now and again. I am prepared to take the pain in order to find Beauty. Beauty I will find. And Beauty I will obtain. Through the eyes of the One who makes me beautiful. who stands before me with arms wide open. To Him I owe my life. everything that I am. Everything that I am becoming. TRUST…a word that I am learning to take hold of once again. I have lived too much of my life in utter fear & doubt. I’ve felt like such a failure in my spiritual life lately. God, sometimes I wonder what in the heck I’m doing. I can’t do this on my own, but most of the time I’m living life as though I am alone. Why is that? Why is it that I run? I run. And I run. Then after I run so far I realize what I have lost along the way. Yet You stay. You hold me. if I have to be completely honest, my biggest fear is failure. My biggest fear is that I will run unknowingly so far away & I will forget to run back into Your arms. You’re grace…sustains me. You’re mercy is an oil poured out over my head. You’re love…a constant stream. Never failing to wash away the bitterness of my cold heart. I hear You speaking. The subtle whispers. In the warmth of the sun. In the still moments. You…my Hope.



“if You’re grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.”

a shout out

to being uninhibited. free. & unconforming.


to living life. to living my life.

he's just not that into you

i am going to see this movie with one of my roomies this weekend.

what's hilarious about it is that my mom called me yesterday telling me that she thinks i need to go see this movie. she hasn't seen it, but she just knows me really well. i am trying not to take offense to this. haha.

listen...i'm a good ol' southern classy girl. i'm all about the guy making the first move. but if i don't feel like we're going anywhere, i'm not afraid to say what i'm thinking.

she's probably right. i tend to "jump the gun" a little bit i should probably see that movie.

after that, i may never speak to one of the male species for the rest of my life. haha.

words

Simplicity:

I have grown to love this word. To reach for the simple things in life, has brought me the most happiness. A slight breeze. A pretty glance. A small flower. A friendly smile. An intellectual conversation. A white picket fence.


Modesty:

One word I’ve managed to fight for…for the past 22 years. Something that is so easily overlooked. A word that most people have no idea what the definition is, much less what it looks like.

Love:

The reason I breath. The reason to live. To pursue dreams. To fight for one another. The ironic thing is that the lovely things in my life are the ones that most often take my breath away.

Friendship:

On a word that I will never take for granted. For the people in life that can truly be called friends are few and far between. But that’s of course what makes them so special.


Laughter:

A outward expression of an inward feeling. An uninhibited way of saying…JOY belongs here. Of saying that life has a meaning. And that life does not go unnoticed.

Brokenness:

Something that I have become accustomed to. Which has strangely become uncomfortably comfortable.

Imperfection:

The life that I live. And the life that I love to live. With mistakes too numerous to fix. But the will to learn. To keep moving. To aspire for more.