2.21.09

I want to drop all of my defenses. The expectations that I have put on people. On myself. Drop all of my defenses at Your feet. I’ve had so much to say lately but I haven’t had the time to say it. the words to say it in. I have felt so contradictory recently. Amusingly content, yet painfully discontent. I have found myself between two extremes of which I feel as though I can not escape. The joyfulness that one phase of my life is virtually finished and the fear that the next on is about to begin. The tugging on my heart is like nothing I’ve ever felt. The uncertainty creeps in like an every rushing tide. The relationships I have been so blessed with. yet the cynicism that they will not last. To rid myself of this skepticism is an ongoing battle with me. learning to open myself to the world, to the life of another. Learning to be vulnerable even if it means enduring the pain of losing. I am not afraid of what others think of me. I am not afraid to love. And I’m not even afraid to lose. To take a hit every now and again. I am prepared to take the pain in order to find Beauty. Beauty I will find. And Beauty I will obtain. Through the eyes of the One who makes me beautiful. who stands before me with arms wide open. To Him I owe my life. everything that I am. Everything that I am becoming. TRUST…a word that I am learning to take hold of once again. I have lived too much of my life in utter fear & doubt. I’ve felt like such a failure in my spiritual life lately. God, sometimes I wonder what in the heck I’m doing. I can’t do this on my own, but most of the time I’m living life as though I am alone. Why is that? Why is it that I run? I run. And I run. Then after I run so far I realize what I have lost along the way. Yet You stay. You hold me. if I have to be completely honest, my biggest fear is failure. My biggest fear is that I will run unknowingly so far away & I will forget to run back into Your arms. You’re grace…sustains me. You’re mercy is an oil poured out over my head. You’re love…a constant stream. Never failing to wash away the bitterness of my cold heart. I hear You speaking. The subtle whispers. In the warmth of the sun. In the still moments. You…my Hope.



“if You’re grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.”