hear me

*side note: the beautiful photos belong to my favorite photographer. parker young.* (i secretly spend hours at a time. looking at his work.)


beauty is everywhere.

& when i get my new camera.
expect to never see me without it.

-----------------------------



i have so much to say. always.
i have amazing friends.
ones that make me incandescently happy.
an amazing family.
that never leaves my side.
an amazing God.
amazing is an understatment.
how could words possibly describe.
all 3 of which love me.
tremendously.
even when i don't deserve it.
i never deserve it.
but that's what makes it beautiful.
i love my life.
i love that i love.
& that i am loved.
i love that when i can't take anymore.
someone wraps me in their warm arms.
lets me cry on their shoulder.
& holds me until the uncertainty.
& the fear vanishes.
i love sacrifice.
duty.
honor.
responsibility.
i hate goodbyes.
but love the anticipation.
of meeting your eyes again.
hope.
i am hopeful.
that i am one day closer.
to seeing your smile.
my heart aches.
but my soul rejoices.
the tears that i cry.
aren't tears of surrender.
they're the tears.
of a fighter.
of a long awaited battle.
i stand on the mountain top.
sword in hand.
they are my cries of victory.
my eyes are wide awake.
dreaming.
of you.
of me.
of us.
no regrets.
no looking back.
nothing left unsaid.
heart strings.
that will never be cut.
tangled.
broken.
or knotted.
tied together.
so tightly.
that you & i will never be apart.
for my heart beats in rhythm with yours.
& yours with mine.
we lie under the same stars.
& look up at the same sky.
the same sun shining on our faces.
the distance from me.
to where you are.
seems less far.
not a day passes.
where i do not think of you.



thank you.
for loving me.
for your courage.
making me strong.



i am brave.
because you are brave.

when he's gone...

•when he's yours. he brings the sunshine. when he's gone the world goes dark. he's heaven on the eyes. but he's hell on the heart•

thanks apple :)

"Here's to the crazy ones. The rebels. The troublemakers. The ones who see things differently. While some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones who do."

set fire to the third bar

I find the map and draw a straight line
Over rivers, farms, and state lines
The distance from here to where you'd be
It's only finger-lengths that I see
I touch the place where I'd find your face
My fingers in creases of distant dark places

I hang my coat up in the first bar
There is no peace that I've felt so far
The laughter penetrates my silence
As drunken men find flaws in science

Their words mostly noises
Ghosts with just voices
Your words in my memory
Are like music to me

I'm miles from where you are
I lay down on the cold ground
I pray that something picks me up
And sets me down in your warm arms

After I have travelled so far
We'd set the fire to the third bar
We'd share each other like an island
Until exhausted, close our eyelids
And dreaming pick up from
The last place we left off
Your soft skin is weeping
A joy you can't keep it

I'm miles from where you are
I lay down on the cold ground
And I pray that something picks me up
And sets me down in your warm arms

I'm miles from where you are
I lay down on the cold ground
I pray that something picks me up
And sets me down in your warm arms

breathe me

i'm too tired to write. i have much to say. but for now. all i have is a lack of originality. & a tired heart. no substance left for now. i'll let sia say it for me:






Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
I hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch

I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

shooting

I went to the range yesterday & shot a 22, 9mm & 380. My 1st time. It was fun but I had no idea what I was doing. Aside from that...I freaking dropped the 380. Dear God. Maybe I shouldnt be allowed to be armed...I still feel bad about it.

1.24

My dreams are returning again. finally. Through much pain & searching, I am beginning to see myself again. in what was once a distorted picture of my dreams is now starting to bring clarity & peace to my mind. How quickly I get distracted & lose sight of what really matters. Fear & insecurity is the only thing that has ever holds us back from becoming exactly who we are made to be. I am convinced now more than ever that all we are is simply lovers.

Although I just finished school last October, since my graduation last may, I have discovered so much about myself. Some of which I realize I am needing to change & other things that are simply a nudge of innocence that I must hold onto with all of my might. My dreaming heart has always been one that has frightened me. but frightened me in a good way. I’m such a dreamer. I always have been & always will be. the dreams that are so deep knit into my hearts strings are the same dreams that keep me pushing & striving toward reaching my goals. My dreams are the only things that keep me breathing. I have come too far now to even begin to think about giving up. My “free-spirit” has been both a blessing & a curse I suppose. My wandering heart is able to take me places that other people will only dare dream to go. I’ve always been one to speak my mind. To steer clear of anything or anyone that would make me feel restrained. Most would say that I have “walked to the beat of my own drum”. I am surprised the word “hippie” hasn’t already permanently attached itself to my name somewhere. I often joke that I just go wherever the wind blows me. The worst case scenario for me would be to live my life wondering “what if”. This is something that I promised myself I would never do. I would rather fail embarrassingly numerous times than to never try.

I am learning that my history of running away is one that I must learn to tame. Learning to embrace your life is half the battle. And learning to change the world & love with utter vulnerability is the other. Keeping our hearts guarded leads for a lonely life. I would much rather feel the pang of a thousand stings & learn to love.

“love anything & your heart will be wrung & possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies & little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

Life is so precious. It’s those little moments that make all of the difference. I just watched the movie, My Sisters Keeper. Compassion has always been my strong suit. I’m not a big crier. But when I see someone hurting, I will cry on a dime. You best believe. It was all I could do to maintain my composure & not loudly begin to wail during this movie. That’s how I know I have a heart for people & from this same desire, I realized that I want to hold orphans & little sick ones in my arms until the day I die. My heart burns for the brokenhearted. To caress their head & kiss there face. Sometimes a simple smile or an “it will be ok” will suffice. I had forgotten this dream that I had held on to so tightly until I had a subtle reminder from someone I hardly even know. I began to have a heart for missions years ago & my dream of one day becoming a doctor slowly coincided with this dream. It wasn’t until recently that I realized the same dream that was found apparent in my heart many years ago was still there. And I have been encouraged by another to continue in pursuit of these desires.

My heart is beginning to ache again. it is beginning to break for people. For love. For justice. For passion. I am on the verge of something great. I can feel it running like a drug through my veins. At times my heart aches for this to the point that I don’t know how I will survive without it. passion is a good thing to have id say. Without it, we would cease to exist.

Starting over. the time is coming for my brand new start. Honestly, its scary as hell but the most exciting thing that I’ve ever done. I’m so beyond ready to jump of the edge with full force. I’m ready to embark on this new adventure & embrace life to its fullest even if I must go it alone. I want to drink in the moments that take my breath away. Feel joy to the highest levels. I’m ready for what is to come next. The tears & the hard work are in no comparison to the laughter & bliss that comes with running with freedom the path that you yourself have paved. Life is beautiful. We were put here to be conquerors. Not to fall victim to defeat.

And it all starts out with a simple dream. My dream is…

A beaming sunshine. Sweat dripping down my back. Sitting on a dirt floor. Rocking & singing to sleep beautiful abandoned babies. Wrapping them in love & security. My dream is less about becoming a doctor & more about becoming a healer. A healer to a broken & dying, hurt world. Love has the capacity to heal wounds. This i am certain of. My dream is becoming a mother. Its becoming a lover. My dream is becoming selfless. Full of hope for tomorrow & for a better future. My dream is to lay down at night with my lover by my side. Reaching out to take his hand next to me & kissing his sleeping eyes goodnight. Waking in the morning to the simple touch of his fingertips on my lips. Watching my little boys grow up to be warriors that fight for injustice as they have seen their father do. & my little princess girls grow up to be zealous lovers of people.


This is my dream. This is what I fight for.

What are you fighting for?

relator

what a fantastic song. one of my favorites. it's beyond brilliant. & since i have been told multiple times i look like scarlett johannson. therefore, i feel obligated to share:

1.21

It amazing to me that all day long I have things to say. And by time I get to my computer at night, they all seem to vanish from my memory. I have slacked big time on my writing lately which must be why so many things have been running through my mind. Every day is a constant battle of decision making. Wondering. And waiting. Where will my life head next? Sitting back, I will get no where. Making my dreams come into fruition will only come when I take action. But what action should I take?

I have never felt so lost in my entire life. In my decisions to figure out what my next move will be. In my friendships. In relationships. In my beliefs. In my 22, almost 23 years of living I had always been certain as to what I believe. That is…up until now. I am realizing that the older I get, the less I know. The more I search, the more I seem to get lost. God seems so far away & everything I have become reminds me of everything I never wanted to be. Like all of humanity the question in my mind has been “who am I?” I am me of course. But who is me? there is a profound distinction between who I am & between who I want to be. not to mention who I pretend to be. it’s exhausting. Surely you understand though. I know very little about anything anymore I feel.

however, I have come to the conclusion that alcohol is not the answer to any problems. Nor are relationships which lack substance. The ones we love the most seem to be the ones we hurt the most. And learning to let go of the temporary & cling to the eternal is a valuable lesson. Deep down in my heart I still know who I am, but somewhere along this beaten path that I walk, I seem to have gotten lost. maybe veered off looking at sorts of enchanting distractions. every tree has begun to look the same. My footprints pointing me back to my destination have blow away with the wind. I’m running but the direction I am running could be putting me into a deeper chasm. The sun is quickly fading. The darkness falls in all around me. as I gaze up at the starless sky, fear begins to grip me. in dread that I will never see the sun again. nor the path that once lead my way. alone. Here I am. as I stop in complete terror, I collapse on a cold vast rock in exhaustion. To simply wait. To wait for the suns warmth again. in hopes that somewhere in my dreaming sleep I will awake to remember my way home.

That’s virtually the only way I feel I am able to express the feelings of my recent aching. I miss my friends so much. I miss the consistency of what was. I miss encouragement to keep striving & pushing for transparency. I miss God. He is always God. even when I run. I miss the florida sunshine. It’s a difficult call for me. just because I miss it doesn’t necessarily mean that’s where I am supposed to be. perhaps it just means I’m living in the past. Or does it? these are the questions that have my mind in a twist. I’ve got choices. Should I stay or should I leave?

I know this boy. This boy in which I miss very much who taught me so much about life. Though our togetherness was shortlived. he taught me to love. He taught me that life isn’t perfect. That’s it’s ok to make mistakes. And more importantly that it’s ok to cry. To admit helplessness. To be transparent & vulnerable. Because without vulnerability & a little bit of pain, you will never learn to love. He taught me how to be brave & the importance of knowing when to fight & when to lay down your sword. He taught me that heartache is inevitable & life is rarely fair but fighting for life is more important than anything else. That honesty is always to be upheld. That loving people is the greatest thing that you can ever do to make a difference in this life. I miss our late night talks. His crooked little smile. But more than anything else, I miss his heart. the glimmer of hope in his eyes that made me wish I was a better person. That made me believe again. that maybe there really was more to this life worth living for. I miss his constant assurance that I was worth more to him than I thought I was. that I was more beautiful & more deserving than I give myself credit for. to me, he means so much. I just don’t think he realizes how much. & now the distance that has torn us so far apart keeps me from being with him. I want so badly to just sit downtown in silence on a park bench in the crisp night air breathing with him. Singing loudly & off key in our cars. Laughing uninhibitedly. I simply wish that I could tell him that I miss the nearness of him. It’s difficult for me to close that chapter of my life. so this isn’t exactly my goodbye. Its simply my gratitude headed straight into the void. With that said. Wherever you are tonight (I wish I could insert your name here)…know that I am eternally grateful for you. Thank you for loving me & making me realize that I am worth waiting for. I miss you. I love you. & I’ll see you soon.


“when you think tim mcgraw. I hope you think my favorite song. The day you turn your radio on. I hope it takes you back to that place. When you think happiness. I hope you think that little black dress. Think of my head on your chest & my old faded blue jeans. When you think tim mcgraw. I hope you think of me. he said the way my blue eyes shined, put those Georgia stars to shame that night. i said that’s a lie.” –taylor swift