*the orphaned anything: stephen christian
*blue like jazz: donald miller
*the shack: william p. young
*twlight series: stefenie meyer
love this song:
Monday, November 23, 2009
on missing the point
USA 60sec add from Hillsong United on Vimeo.
what holds me back from this?
me. only me.
when watch these, i remember once again who i am.
i lose sight of it so easily.
THIS. is who i am.
this is what i love.
this is what i live for.
now...my dream.
MUST become reality.
simple revelations
God just gave me this simple revelation. Some things in life are important. Some things simply aren't. Life is all about discerning between the two.
not gonna lie. i have a hard time with that.
not gonna lie. i have a hard time with that.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
november 18
What I do know.
Is that I miss you.
Sometimes I still feel you.
Sometimes I close my eyes.
And hear you breathing on my neck.
I still taste your kiss on my lips.
And dream that you’re lying next to me.
Waking up without you doesn’t feel right.
And falling asleep alone feels so cold.
Will we ever drop our defenses?
Will we ever learn to love?
When you see me.
Will you pass by without a single glance?
Or will you ask me to dance again?
Time passes so quickly.
But when we’re apart.
Time passes oh so slow.
I’m dreaming of our eyes meeting again.
To be in your arms again.
Is the only thing I’ve ever really wanted.
Is that I miss you.
Sometimes I still feel you.
Sometimes I close my eyes.
And hear you breathing on my neck.
I still taste your kiss on my lips.
And dream that you’re lying next to me.
Waking up without you doesn’t feel right.
And falling asleep alone feels so cold.
Will we ever drop our defenses?
Will we ever learn to love?
When you see me.
Will you pass by without a single glance?
Or will you ask me to dance again?
Time passes so quickly.
But when we’re apart.
Time passes oh so slow.
I’m dreaming of our eyes meeting again.
To be in your arms again.
Is the only thing I’ve ever really wanted.
november 15
I think I’m going to cry. Ok probably not. But if I cried ever…I think I’d be crying right now. I’m not entirely sure why. Life has been wearing on my lately. The build up of discomfort is now catching up I suppose. I have much on my mind lately. I wish that I were at liberty to tell all on here. Although, this is partly a diary if you will, there are certain things I mustn’t discuss on the world wide web. I am an open minded & honest person, but for the discretion of the other “party” I fear I must keep my mouth closed. In the words of the famous film, Titanic, “a woman’s heart is an ocean full of secrets.” I guess I can understand that. I’ll just discuss the best I can given the circumstance & keep the rest…well…“a secret”.
Ok. Here goes. I’ll shoot as straight as possible.
I should never be a product of disrespect.
Ever ever ever.
Used for selfish disconnected relations.
The self-indulgent ways another.
Is never an excuse for me to also be self-indulgent.
Despite my insecurities and my lack of self control.
My determination to be accepted.
Loved.
I’m never not obligated to love another.
To be selfless.
My emotions/feelings.
Open up my life to new realms.
Yet.
These are not in control of me.
I deserve respect.
The love from someone.
Who is worthy of my love in return.
Who is one who will fight for me.
Be a refuge in my time of weakness.
Hold me through wearisome times.
With no intention of anything in return.
One who will let me rest my head on his chest.
Wipe away my tears when I cry.
What I do not need.
Is one who will walk out on me.
One who takes all that I can give.
And more.
And leaves me on the corner of the street.
In the pouring rain.
Alone.
This has been a tough lesson in my life. But a necessary one. I am still in process of understanding my self worth. Luckily, there is one Man who fits my descriptions. He shows me what love is. I push aside His words so many many many times. Yet, He loves. He fights for me.
This my friends.
Is love.
He brings Beauty from my pain.
My ugly, broken, tattered heart.
Bruised.
And beaten from within.
Broken.
Tired heart.
Is tied together with One who’s heart never grows weary.
Ok. Here goes. I’ll shoot as straight as possible.
I should never be a product of disrespect.
Ever ever ever.
Used for selfish disconnected relations.
The self-indulgent ways another.
Is never an excuse for me to also be self-indulgent.
Despite my insecurities and my lack of self control.
My determination to be accepted.
Loved.
I’m never not obligated to love another.
To be selfless.
My emotions/feelings.
Open up my life to new realms.
Yet.
These are not in control of me.
I deserve respect.
The love from someone.
Who is worthy of my love in return.
Who is one who will fight for me.
Be a refuge in my time of weakness.
Hold me through wearisome times.
With no intention of anything in return.
One who will let me rest my head on his chest.
Wipe away my tears when I cry.
What I do not need.
Is one who will walk out on me.
One who takes all that I can give.
And more.
And leaves me on the corner of the street.
In the pouring rain.
Alone.
This has been a tough lesson in my life. But a necessary one. I am still in process of understanding my self worth. Luckily, there is one Man who fits my descriptions. He shows me what love is. I push aside His words so many many many times. Yet, He loves. He fights for me.
This my friends.
Is love.
He brings Beauty from my pain.
My ugly, broken, tattered heart.
Bruised.
And beaten from within.
Broken.
Tired heart.
Is tied together with One who’s heart never grows weary.
november 12
November. Oh how chilly you are! Although I must admit anything less than 75 degrees is frigid to me. I love the heat & for weeks now have been asking myself where summer went. Sadly it hasn’t really dipped below the 60’s yet. Oh my…what a winter I am in for. Although winter does have its perks. I will not pretend that it doesn’t.
As of tomorrow, it will be 2 weeks away from my beautiful Florida. A somewhat painful 2 weeks at times. Florida left me with many resolutions. Thank God for that. Yet, Florida always leaves me wanting more. I fear that I am having an affair. A full out affair. Yet I don’t care who knows it. I love Florida. Even if Florida may not be my best option. Nor the relationship that we have, the healthiest. But it’s simple really. It’s easy. It’s quick. The most probable word may be: tactful. And surprisingly, it’s the way I prefer it. No dilly dally. No run around. Straight forward. And to the point. But this often gets me into loads of trouble.
No. There were no hidden messages with a variety of interchangeable words that I am not at liberty to entirely speak freely about in that last paragraph. I have no idea what you’re talking about. Cough?
Aside from that, I have much to say. But as usual I’m tired seeing as the majority of my writing takes place during the wee hours of the night. I should work on that. I’ll do my best to fill in the blanks later. There is much on my heart.
Ciao.
As of tomorrow, it will be 2 weeks away from my beautiful Florida. A somewhat painful 2 weeks at times. Florida left me with many resolutions. Thank God for that. Yet, Florida always leaves me wanting more. I fear that I am having an affair. A full out affair. Yet I don’t care who knows it. I love Florida. Even if Florida may not be my best option. Nor the relationship that we have, the healthiest. But it’s simple really. It’s easy. It’s quick. The most probable word may be: tactful. And surprisingly, it’s the way I prefer it. No dilly dally. No run around. Straight forward. And to the point. But this often gets me into loads of trouble.
No. There were no hidden messages with a variety of interchangeable words that I am not at liberty to entirely speak freely about in that last paragraph. I have no idea what you’re talking about. Cough?
Aside from that, I have much to say. But as usual I’m tired seeing as the majority of my writing takes place during the wee hours of the night. I should work on that. I’ll do my best to fill in the blanks later. There is much on my heart.
Ciao.
november 2
Rating: PG (language content)
Hello November. It’s me again. Back from florida. Back from ‘home’. What a wonderful time I had. I can’t even describe. Everything I wanted out of the trip I got. Between my best friends & I, we were never not at a party. A few nights ago, one of my besties & I were standing outside in her driveway as I said, “this entire week has been a kick ass party”. She laughed. Agreed. And I realized how much I miss my friends. 3 out of my 6 best friends currently live in florida. Can you believe that my life is so blessed I have literally 6 best friends? most people are lucky in their lives if they end up with a single best friend. and I have 6. :) unbelievable. I think I might have slept a total of 4 hours the whole trip & lost about 5 pounds, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I met some wonderful new friends. some that I will never ever forget. and caught up with some old ones. Put into full swing some relationships I had already begun that I had been hoping to accelerate. There can be nothing better than being with the ones you love. Questions that I had in my mind for years were answered. I need not to ever wonder “what if.” The refreshment I needed came. I am still facing many decisions, but I feel prepared to face life with confidence.
There were a lot of ‘firsts’ for me this week. For example. I am 22 years old. For the first time in my life I was stung by a bee a few days ago while enjoying the company of my friends over some starbucks. It hurt like hell. But well, its life. and sometimes it hurts. Many more memorable moments happened this week. A few tears were shed for the parting of my friends & I, but when I stop to think about my life…i could never change it. I would keep the heartache & the pain. It has only made me who I am today. I have no regret. I will love. Even if when I wake up, I am alone. Being there this week has however made me realize that I am never alone. Even when it seems as so. Goodbyes always pull at my heart, but one thing is for certain. I realize how many people I love. And that without them I would be nothing.
Love is a word that I hardly knew the meaning of. Now I am starting to understand.
My fears. My failures. Are nothing in comparison to Your Love.
Also for the first time in my life. I realize. How I am able to do anything. There are no limitations on my life. The only limitations I have are the ones I put on myself. I am strong. I am confident. I am independent. I am free. I can accomplish anything my heart want. I can become exactly who I want to be. By pushing forward. By never ever ever giving up.
You need me less than I need you. –the fray
Hello November. It’s me again. Back from florida. Back from ‘home’. What a wonderful time I had. I can’t even describe. Everything I wanted out of the trip I got. Between my best friends & I, we were never not at a party. A few nights ago, one of my besties & I were standing outside in her driveway as I said, “this entire week has been a kick ass party”. She laughed. Agreed. And I realized how much I miss my friends. 3 out of my 6 best friends currently live in florida. Can you believe that my life is so blessed I have literally 6 best friends? most people are lucky in their lives if they end up with a single best friend. and I have 6. :) unbelievable. I think I might have slept a total of 4 hours the whole trip & lost about 5 pounds, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I met some wonderful new friends. some that I will never ever forget. and caught up with some old ones. Put into full swing some relationships I had already begun that I had been hoping to accelerate. There can be nothing better than being with the ones you love. Questions that I had in my mind for years were answered. I need not to ever wonder “what if.” The refreshment I needed came. I am still facing many decisions, but I feel prepared to face life with confidence.
There were a lot of ‘firsts’ for me this week. For example. I am 22 years old. For the first time in my life I was stung by a bee a few days ago while enjoying the company of my friends over some starbucks. It hurt like hell. But well, its life. and sometimes it hurts. Many more memorable moments happened this week. A few tears were shed for the parting of my friends & I, but when I stop to think about my life…i could never change it. I would keep the heartache & the pain. It has only made me who I am today. I have no regret. I will love. Even if when I wake up, I am alone. Being there this week has however made me realize that I am never alone. Even when it seems as so. Goodbyes always pull at my heart, but one thing is for certain. I realize how many people I love. And that without them I would be nothing.
Love is a word that I hardly knew the meaning of. Now I am starting to understand.
My fears. My failures. Are nothing in comparison to Your Love.
Also for the first time in my life. I realize. How I am able to do anything. There are no limitations on my life. The only limitations I have are the ones I put on myself. I am strong. I am confident. I am independent. I am free. I can accomplish anything my heart want. I can become exactly who I want to be. By pushing forward. By never ever ever giving up.
You need me less than I need you. –the fray
october 15
Life.
Life is full of decisions.
Questions.
Doubts.
Laughter.
Adventures.
Life is life.
My life is mine. The decisions I make in my life will affect my life in one way or another. With some bigger than others. As a recent college grad, you can imagine the decisions that I am facing. For some reason I never hear people in situations such as mine talk about their decisions. Perhaps that is because most people who graduate from college go directly to their vocation in which they were specifically trained for. But me, on the other hand, has about a million options. My field of study was so broad that I could do virtually anything. Doctor, teacher, researcher, vet…ect…you name it, I am probably qualified in one way or another. Biology was rough, but the reason I chose it was for the very reason that I knew the immense amount of choices I would have when I got out. Everyone who is not me seems to be envious of my options, but I on the other hand have a hard time seeing the benefits. Not so much that I have a hard time seeing the benefits, but my indecisiveness is detrimental to my decision making process. God. I just don’t even know what to do. I don’t know what I want. I mean I know. But I don’t. I don’t even make sense. I’m fully aware of that. I feel exhausted & have no reason to feel exhausted. I think it maybe is called mental exhaustion. I just have a lot on my mind.
I leave for Florida next Friday. In exactly a week. I’m so happy I could literally start crying. I might actually. I miss it beyond words. Although I must admit I’m slightly nervous about it. I don’t know what to expect. At the same time I’m trying not to get my hopes up that it will be a “certain” way, because I don’t want to be disappointed. Sheesh…am I cynical much?
Well whatever. I know things won’t be the same as when I left. The whole point of the trip honestly…is to have a little time to myself. To reflect. Sort out. Hopefully get a little revelation as to what I want to do next. To see my best friends whom I miss terribly. I just pray that I come back with a little glimpse as to where in the world my life is headed. I need some refreshment. Some clarity. So that I can think straight. Hopefully this trip will bring that. I have been looking forward to this trip ever since I left. Ever since I walked out that door, got in my car, looked in the rear view & cried for 8 hours straight.
I feel like I am just now starting to dream again. I feel like I had lost sight of my dreams for quite a while. Finally I am starting to envision my life into something greater.
Right now it is all about what path to take. I have many to choose from. All which lie in front of me. Do I take the job I was offered? Non related to my field of study as a temporary source of income living at home. Do I go back to school to get my masters? Therefore, loaning more money to go back to school & live but getting a higher education in the long run making it easier to pay off. And if so, at home or start somewhere else? Do I fulfill that lifelong dream of becoming a doctor?
Do I sell everything I have? Become a missionary?
Haha. I would like to lean towards the last one honestly.
It’s not like I am stuck with just one choice. At some point in my life they may all tie together. Perhaps not. Perhaps one season of life will be one thing & the next another. Recently I have wanted to be a writer. And a musician. Where in the heck. Mostly I think my problem is that I want to do everything. I want to experience everything. and go on every adventure life can throw at me. I’m young & unhindered. Can you blame me?
But in the meantime, while I am trying to decide which one to do first I am sitting on my rear at home. Not excited about that.
Maybe it’s time. Time for change. Time to grow up. To throw fear out the window. & just jump.
…now THAT’S a definite possibility.
Life is full of decisions.
Questions.
Doubts.
Laughter.
Adventures.
Life is life.
My life is mine. The decisions I make in my life will affect my life in one way or another. With some bigger than others. As a recent college grad, you can imagine the decisions that I am facing. For some reason I never hear people in situations such as mine talk about their decisions. Perhaps that is because most people who graduate from college go directly to their vocation in which they were specifically trained for. But me, on the other hand, has about a million options. My field of study was so broad that I could do virtually anything. Doctor, teacher, researcher, vet…ect…you name it, I am probably qualified in one way or another. Biology was rough, but the reason I chose it was for the very reason that I knew the immense amount of choices I would have when I got out. Everyone who is not me seems to be envious of my options, but I on the other hand have a hard time seeing the benefits. Not so much that I have a hard time seeing the benefits, but my indecisiveness is detrimental to my decision making process. God. I just don’t even know what to do. I don’t know what I want. I mean I know. But I don’t. I don’t even make sense. I’m fully aware of that. I feel exhausted & have no reason to feel exhausted. I think it maybe is called mental exhaustion. I just have a lot on my mind.
I leave for Florida next Friday. In exactly a week. I’m so happy I could literally start crying. I might actually. I miss it beyond words. Although I must admit I’m slightly nervous about it. I don’t know what to expect. At the same time I’m trying not to get my hopes up that it will be a “certain” way, because I don’t want to be disappointed. Sheesh…am I cynical much?
Well whatever. I know things won’t be the same as when I left. The whole point of the trip honestly…is to have a little time to myself. To reflect. Sort out. Hopefully get a little revelation as to what I want to do next. To see my best friends whom I miss terribly. I just pray that I come back with a little glimpse as to where in the world my life is headed. I need some refreshment. Some clarity. So that I can think straight. Hopefully this trip will bring that. I have been looking forward to this trip ever since I left. Ever since I walked out that door, got in my car, looked in the rear view & cried for 8 hours straight.
I feel like I am just now starting to dream again. I feel like I had lost sight of my dreams for quite a while. Finally I am starting to envision my life into something greater.
Right now it is all about what path to take. I have many to choose from. All which lie in front of me. Do I take the job I was offered? Non related to my field of study as a temporary source of income living at home. Do I go back to school to get my masters? Therefore, loaning more money to go back to school & live but getting a higher education in the long run making it easier to pay off. And if so, at home or start somewhere else? Do I fulfill that lifelong dream of becoming a doctor?
Do I sell everything I have? Become a missionary?
Haha. I would like to lean towards the last one honestly.
It’s not like I am stuck with just one choice. At some point in my life they may all tie together. Perhaps not. Perhaps one season of life will be one thing & the next another. Recently I have wanted to be a writer. And a musician. Where in the heck. Mostly I think my problem is that I want to do everything. I want to experience everything. and go on every adventure life can throw at me. I’m young & unhindered. Can you blame me?
But in the meantime, while I am trying to decide which one to do first I am sitting on my rear at home. Not excited about that.
Maybe it’s time. Time for change. Time to grow up. To throw fear out the window. & just jump.
…now THAT’S a definite possibility.
september 27
Here I am. Finding myself on the dear ol’ blogspot. And as usual somewhat unsure as what to say. All I know is that I want to say something. Without meaning to sound like a depressant….i feel so alone right now. Life has a funny way of changing things & this change has brought about a feeling of loneliness. I miss the things that were. I know, however that it is pointless to reminisce on the past because the past has come & gone. never to return again. I did take a little trip down memory lane for a while tonight. Not sure entirely what brought it about. Perhaps it was listening to “the song” that “he” gave to me oh so very long ago. The only boy I’ve ever loved. Or at least I think I loved. But what do I know of love? We were so young. Those so far have been the best days. I remember being incandescently happy. Laughing constantly. That’s all. I miss that feeling. I miss feeling safe. Happy. Vulnerable. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be like that again. I remember not being able to breathe when I saw him & never wanting to leave his arms. This phase in my life was short lived. Shorter than I wanted to see it. he was there & in a glimpse gone. I have never been so open, so free & so strong in my entire life. I hope love one day finds its way back to me. I miss everything about it. except of course the ending. In which I cried myself to sleep every night for about 6 months. Well you know how the story goes. Not a day went by where I didn’t think of him. Then weeks would go by. Then months. To virtually never now. Except for days like today. I miss my best friend. and the hardest part is not being able to tell him. Times have changed. We have changed. Moving on is all we have left with a memory that is slowly fading from my mind.
There you have it friends. I feel like I now have no friends…but whatever. At least not many real friends. and the only real friends I have live currently 8 hours away from me. I never get to see them. Sad. BUT…I will get to in 3 weeks because I’m going down. Thank God. I am trying not to have any expectations for florida. When I get there, I’m gonna try to take it easy. Not worry too much about who’s where & who’s doing what…but instead simply just being. Letting whatever happens happen. This will be difficult. Apparently I think my fate is in my hands & I suppose most of the time it is. But at the same time…sometimes I just have to be & let life happen. And hopefully this time I won’t cry nearly as much as I did last time when I left. That was embarrassing. Haha. But I do miss it. I miss continual friendship & encouragement. I miss parties. I miss life.
Ochem is over. I passed. Praise Him. Now the time has officially come. The next phase in life. I am scared to death. What do I want? What do I do? I have no idea. I’ve never felt so lost in all my life. Only time will tell I suppose.
Time.
Something that I never want to wish away.
Something that I never want to kill.
Because we have so little of it.
Time is all we’ve got.
I’ve been wondering all day what I would do if I wasn’t so afraid. I’ve put so many limitations on myself. It’s time. Time to let go. Time to change. Time to move on. Maybe will be difficult but that’s life. and it’s beautiful.
Goodnight lovers.
There you have it friends. I feel like I now have no friends…but whatever. At least not many real friends. and the only real friends I have live currently 8 hours away from me. I never get to see them. Sad. BUT…I will get to in 3 weeks because I’m going down. Thank God. I am trying not to have any expectations for florida. When I get there, I’m gonna try to take it easy. Not worry too much about who’s where & who’s doing what…but instead simply just being. Letting whatever happens happen. This will be difficult. Apparently I think my fate is in my hands & I suppose most of the time it is. But at the same time…sometimes I just have to be & let life happen. And hopefully this time I won’t cry nearly as much as I did last time when I left. That was embarrassing. Haha. But I do miss it. I miss continual friendship & encouragement. I miss parties. I miss life.
Ochem is over. I passed. Praise Him. Now the time has officially come. The next phase in life. I am scared to death. What do I want? What do I do? I have no idea. I’ve never felt so lost in all my life. Only time will tell I suppose.
Time.
Something that I never want to wish away.
Something that I never want to kill.
Because we have so little of it.
Time is all we’ve got.
I’ve been wondering all day what I would do if I wasn’t so afraid. I’ve put so many limitations on myself. It’s time. Time to let go. Time to change. Time to move on. Maybe will be difficult but that’s life. and it’s beautiful.
Goodnight lovers.
september 20
Is it really September 20th? I am in complete denial…with Christmas just around the corner & fall on its way. crazy. I love summer, but as with everything…life brings around change. Leaves changing colors. Cooler weather. As much as I despise cold weather, it will be nice to finally bundle up in warm blankets & sip on hot tea I suppose. It’s thundering right now as I type this. I’m a huge fan of thunderstorms. Only at night though. And I love falling asleep to the sound of rain. What I would love even more is a tin roof. Speaking of changes. Thursday I take my final exam. I thought the day would never come. Now the majority of my time has been spent thinking about & studying for the test that I have to make a 56 on in order to pass. Sounds easy enough right? Yeah well…it’s harder than you might think. But I will not give up. I will never give up. When it is finished what a relief that will be! I can’t even describe.
To fill you in on other things…last week was virtually hell. Just be glad I didn’t blog on last week. After the week was over, I felt indescribably unlady like & finally broke down. I’m now not afraid to admit that I do in fact need a swear jar. I used to be so good about that…now…not so much. Ok maybe I’m not that bad. I just need it in angry situations. I’m just very glad that a new week has arrived. Another chance to get things right. To start over new. Thank God for new beginnings.
I really don’t have a lot to say at the moment. I’m ready to take a deep breath on Thursday for the first time in 10 weeks. Maybe give myself a little time to pull myself back together. Sort things out. Life has been really crazy, confusing & stressful lately. I know that I need some time in order to make some important life decisions. Decision making is definitely not one of my most favorite things, but I know that it must be done. I never want to not be moving forward.
My mind has been a little cloudy & my heart a little bruised & tattered. But with all things…I am sure I will sort things out with time. The journey through the wilderness alone hasn’t been easy by any means, but I am certain I will make it out.
To fill you in on other things…last week was virtually hell. Just be glad I didn’t blog on last week. After the week was over, I felt indescribably unlady like & finally broke down. I’m now not afraid to admit that I do in fact need a swear jar. I used to be so good about that…now…not so much. Ok maybe I’m not that bad. I just need it in angry situations. I’m just very glad that a new week has arrived. Another chance to get things right. To start over new. Thank God for new beginnings.
I really don’t have a lot to say at the moment. I’m ready to take a deep breath on Thursday for the first time in 10 weeks. Maybe give myself a little time to pull myself back together. Sort things out. Life has been really crazy, confusing & stressful lately. I know that I need some time in order to make some important life decisions. Decision making is definitely not one of my most favorite things, but I know that it must be done. I never want to not be moving forward.
My mind has been a little cloudy & my heart a little bruised & tattered. But with all things…I am sure I will sort things out with time. The journey through the wilderness alone hasn’t been easy by any means, but I am certain I will make it out.
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