Here we are once again. you & I together. My writing has virtually ceased to exist since the beginning of my organic chem adventures. Part one is completed. Now on to part two. 5 more weeks. Bring on the pain. I feel as though it will never end. Although part of me is a little scared for it to be over with another huge change staring right in my face. what path will I take? That question I can’t answer which makes me rather anxious.
I am so looking forward to October. I am certain of that. I am going back to florida in October to visit my friends, “family”, my home for the past 3 years. It has felt weird not returning there this year. I miss it so almost to the point of homesickness at times. I can’t however say whether I would be happy there or not. My heart somewhat aches for that, yet in my heart, I know that things will never be the same again. My insatiability has been driving me crazy lately. sometimes I wonder if I will fully be happy anywhere. I have been wanting so badly lately to find my “niche”. To find that one place of rest. Peace. To find the place where I truly feel needed. The place that feels like home. Comfort.
What will the next year bring? Will my clouded mind & my fear keep me from dreaming? From following my heart? or will I surpass all of these things to chase after the only Thing that matters? Will I learn to trust in the One bigger than myself? Will I find my place?
Will this time of climbing up this mountain alone turn into a long slow unforgettable satisfying walk home with my hand in the hand of another? These are questions I ask myself. The latter I have been asking myself most lately. Being disappointed one after another leaves a little sting (ok big)…but it only points me one step closer to “you”.
my guarded heart & nervous hands would make it hard for anyone to reach me. gentle persistence & patience may be the only remedy. I keep waiting but he never comes to save me. what I had in my hands left me settling. My heart knew it and nothing has ever felt so comfortable in all of my life. giving up the simple dream of him is difficult enough in itself. Saying goodbye has never been my strong suit.
But love is love. What is here is here & what is not is not, making the nonexistent seem like a fairy tale. And the tangible…the only option.
Cheers.
“ive got a perfectly normal heart. bruised & broken from within. At times I don’t know where to start to let you in here.” –Copeland
Friday, August 28, 2009
Saturday, August 8, 2009
sleep
Sleeping is one of my most favorite things in the entire world. Studies have shown that we sleep 1/3 of our lives. I am convinced that I will probably have slept 2/3 of my life away. I'm virtually a dead beat if I don't get at least 9-10 hours a night. I wish I was sleeping right now...
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
l5p
I just got back from l5p in atl. Much different than what I had expected. Much. Some amazing vintage shops. I am always being accused of being part hippie. Though I don’t look it often, my preference is to dress “vintagey” or urban if you will. I’ve always been the girl with the long hair. Often in braids & head bands. Wearing peace signs, holding them up promoting freedom & what not. Never was into the drug scene which I guess would push me arguably the other direction, since that tends to be characteristic.
My disclaimer on this blog is that I will not tell you one way or another my stance on drugs. The purpose of this blog is neither to bash drug users nor to promote them. Take my words for what they are. I have a lot of friends that are currently or have been into the hard drug scene; therefore, I am not one to judge them. I care about the general well being of all my friends. I love them, yet I will allow them to make their own decisions & no matter what the outcome may be, I will always be there for them. I do my best at clinging tight to my belief that life is a gift that can be taken from us in an instant. That is my disclaimer. Now maybe you can listen to my story with an open heart.
Going to l5p, you have to have a free heart. An open mind if you will. If you don’t have an open mind, you will drown in the place. The place will either leave you scowling or it will leave your eyes open to the things around you. Perhaps give you an appreciation for what people go through. The latter was my experience. Many times I worry that my tolerance for things will eventually lead to my acceptance…like tolerance often does. Yet, at the same time, my experiences have only led me to the discovery of myself. It forces me to question who I am. And that question I am still in search of.
I can honestly say that I have not been around a scene such as l5p before. Perhaps it has been my somewhat sheltered life. I remember very little about the heaps of marijuana in Antigua other than the nauseating smell & the pitch black night. I also remember the same nauseating smell at the concert I was at a few weeks ago due to the large amounts within a small area. I have lived with drug users & abusers. I have sat also sat up at night praying to God that they would come back safely due to ignorance & irresponsibility of their drug use. I have lived in a small capacity with the worry that they would not come back. This time in my life was very short lived, but I’m sure it will not be the only experience in my life such as this.
Honestly it took me a while to get used to being downtown in this spot. Parts of it I loved. I love anything that is different. That goes against the status quo. I hate conformism. Just as everyone else claims to hate. A nice man with a guitar played me a song. Musicians line the streets with their instruments hoping to earn a little money. For what? I have no idea. Alcohol & drugs? Most likely. But the honest to God truth is that I don’t really care what they are using it for. All I care about is loving people & showing them the Truth. Showing them the Light…the best that I possibly know how. It reminded me of new york. I’ve never been to new york, but I imagine that musicians in new york must be something like that.
I also met another boy. Thin, yet attractive. Taller. A little dirty, yet stylish. Kind of a little bit of punk rocker looking I suppose. As I rounded the corner that most of the “druggies” sit at in bulk I peer over to my left & there he is. Lanky. Smiling with one of the biggest grins I’ve ever seen. And waving like a mindless idiot. Making it virtually impossible for me not to smile & wave back. From this stage he proceeded to tell me about his large amount of pcp intake & that he wanted to make out with me. I am 22 years old. I thought I had heard every line in the book. I was wrong. Haha. I laughed embarrassingly loud & I shook my head assuring him that I was not interested & continued on my way. Bless his heart…but I have been thinking about that boy all night. I have been thinking about the majority of people I ran into tonight. I am thinking about those homeless men lying on the street with nothing. My concern isn’t so much about their drug use to the point of it overtaking their lives. Instead I suppose it should be about the condition of their souls. Most of me wonders what in their lives drove them to an option such as this? How much pain must a person endure before they give up the fight for life? It reminds me of a song I heard earlier. I wish I could remember the lyrics, but I think it said something like… “whoever told you that life wasn’t worth the fight was lying.” I don’t really know if those were the words, but you get my drift.
The change that needs to take place in my very own life seems overwhelming to me most days. My cold heart needs to change so much that I know that I can not do it alone. Only the God of the universe. The Creator of my very soul can heal my wounded heart. Can clear my clouded mind. Most days go by & I don’t even think about Him. I then feel shamed that I can’t even make time for the most important aspect of my life. This in turn I feel has accounted for the majority of my confusion. I have let society dictate who I am. I have let society tell me that I am not good enough. Not thin enough. Not beautiful enough. & so on & so on.
I so desperately want to be a woman of character. A woman who puts God first. Yet why is it that I am always filling up my life with everything but Him? Why is the only stable unchanging thing in my life the only thing that I put on the backburner? These are the questions that I ask myself. Why is it that He loves me so much to the point of death & I forget Him? My relationship with Him has been hanging by a mere thread. Honestly I’m tired of living like that. I’m tired of living with doubt. In my heart I know the Truth, yet the world tears at me. It makes me question who I am. Certainty is something that I ache for in a world that is so incredibly uncertain. And certainty can only be found in Him.
My mom & I were on our way to get our car to go home when I said, “all of these people are just living to die.” Living to die. Think about it. Eat a sandwich & ponder it again.
I don’t just want to live to die. If we are all just living to die, then what’s the point of living at all? I want to live…to truly live. I want to live to ache for other people. I want to live to ache for His heart. These are the things that recently I have forgotten. I have lost sight of my passion in life. I have unfortunately lost sight of His heart. I haven’t heard His voice speaking to me in so long. Solely on account of the fact that I haven’t been listening to it. I miss Him. I miss His voice. I miss my certainty. So many things in my life have seemingly fallen apart. But I must trust. Trust that He will restore my life. my heart. my entire life.
I realize that veered slightly from my original story, but those are the things that needed to be said. I walked past that boy I was telling you about once more. As I had already passed he yelled out something to this extent… “do you want to adopt a hippie!?!” of course referring to himself.
Well…you know what?
I think that I would actually love that.
I think that I would love to adopt a hippie.
I think that I would love to adopt a druggie.
I think I would love to adopt a homeless person.
I think I would love to adopt a prostitute.
I think I would love to adopt an alcoholic.
I just love to love.
Just like my Jesus does.
He teaches me how.
Despite circumstance.
Despite pain, discomfort, fear.
In the midst of judgement.
In the midst of shame.
Love.
As He whispers in my ear… “And the greatest of these is love.”
I choose love.
Because He first loved me.
Tonight I went into this store called “earthtones.” A rasta who reminded me of my time that I spent in the caribbean made me a beautiful bracelet which is now one of my favorites. It’s very urban, hippy, bohemian (pick your choice of word)…it fits my style perfectly. It is a thin band of leather painted brown with black edges. Engraved in the center is the word LOVE. That’s what I asked for, but little did I know the implication it would have for the night. My sister surprised me with it later on that night. I didn’t realize that I was actually going to get one. Being the simplistic mind that I am, I wanted the word love on it & nothing else. My sister asked the man to do what ever he thought would look good. Thankfully, there were no sissy looking hearts next to it. Instead there were 3 beautiful sideways “s” looking symbols on each side of the word love. It turned out perfectly. When I wear it, hopefully it will always remind me of tonight. & the love that I feel in my heart for people. For the brokenhearted. The Lord clearly gave me the specific scripture in Isaiah. Chapter 61:1-4. He gave that to me many years ago as the calling that He has placed upon my life.
I know why.
:)
“if grace is an ocean we’re all sinking.” –john mark mcmillian
My disclaimer on this blog is that I will not tell you one way or another my stance on drugs. The purpose of this blog is neither to bash drug users nor to promote them. Take my words for what they are. I have a lot of friends that are currently or have been into the hard drug scene; therefore, I am not one to judge them. I care about the general well being of all my friends. I love them, yet I will allow them to make their own decisions & no matter what the outcome may be, I will always be there for them. I do my best at clinging tight to my belief that life is a gift that can be taken from us in an instant. That is my disclaimer. Now maybe you can listen to my story with an open heart.
Going to l5p, you have to have a free heart. An open mind if you will. If you don’t have an open mind, you will drown in the place. The place will either leave you scowling or it will leave your eyes open to the things around you. Perhaps give you an appreciation for what people go through. The latter was my experience. Many times I worry that my tolerance for things will eventually lead to my acceptance…like tolerance often does. Yet, at the same time, my experiences have only led me to the discovery of myself. It forces me to question who I am. And that question I am still in search of.
I can honestly say that I have not been around a scene such as l5p before. Perhaps it has been my somewhat sheltered life. I remember very little about the heaps of marijuana in Antigua other than the nauseating smell & the pitch black night. I also remember the same nauseating smell at the concert I was at a few weeks ago due to the large amounts within a small area. I have lived with drug users & abusers. I have sat also sat up at night praying to God that they would come back safely due to ignorance & irresponsibility of their drug use. I have lived in a small capacity with the worry that they would not come back. This time in my life was very short lived, but I’m sure it will not be the only experience in my life such as this.
Honestly it took me a while to get used to being downtown in this spot. Parts of it I loved. I love anything that is different. That goes against the status quo. I hate conformism. Just as everyone else claims to hate. A nice man with a guitar played me a song. Musicians line the streets with their instruments hoping to earn a little money. For what? I have no idea. Alcohol & drugs? Most likely. But the honest to God truth is that I don’t really care what they are using it for. All I care about is loving people & showing them the Truth. Showing them the Light…the best that I possibly know how. It reminded me of new york. I’ve never been to new york, but I imagine that musicians in new york must be something like that.
I also met another boy. Thin, yet attractive. Taller. A little dirty, yet stylish. Kind of a little bit of punk rocker looking I suppose. As I rounded the corner that most of the “druggies” sit at in bulk I peer over to my left & there he is. Lanky. Smiling with one of the biggest grins I’ve ever seen. And waving like a mindless idiot. Making it virtually impossible for me not to smile & wave back. From this stage he proceeded to tell me about his large amount of pcp intake & that he wanted to make out with me. I am 22 years old. I thought I had heard every line in the book. I was wrong. Haha. I laughed embarrassingly loud & I shook my head assuring him that I was not interested & continued on my way. Bless his heart…but I have been thinking about that boy all night. I have been thinking about the majority of people I ran into tonight. I am thinking about those homeless men lying on the street with nothing. My concern isn’t so much about their drug use to the point of it overtaking their lives. Instead I suppose it should be about the condition of their souls. Most of me wonders what in their lives drove them to an option such as this? How much pain must a person endure before they give up the fight for life? It reminds me of a song I heard earlier. I wish I could remember the lyrics, but I think it said something like… “whoever told you that life wasn’t worth the fight was lying.” I don’t really know if those were the words, but you get my drift.
The change that needs to take place in my very own life seems overwhelming to me most days. My cold heart needs to change so much that I know that I can not do it alone. Only the God of the universe. The Creator of my very soul can heal my wounded heart. Can clear my clouded mind. Most days go by & I don’t even think about Him. I then feel shamed that I can’t even make time for the most important aspect of my life. This in turn I feel has accounted for the majority of my confusion. I have let society dictate who I am. I have let society tell me that I am not good enough. Not thin enough. Not beautiful enough. & so on & so on.
I so desperately want to be a woman of character. A woman who puts God first. Yet why is it that I am always filling up my life with everything but Him? Why is the only stable unchanging thing in my life the only thing that I put on the backburner? These are the questions that I ask myself. Why is it that He loves me so much to the point of death & I forget Him? My relationship with Him has been hanging by a mere thread. Honestly I’m tired of living like that. I’m tired of living with doubt. In my heart I know the Truth, yet the world tears at me. It makes me question who I am. Certainty is something that I ache for in a world that is so incredibly uncertain. And certainty can only be found in Him.
My mom & I were on our way to get our car to go home when I said, “all of these people are just living to die.” Living to die. Think about it. Eat a sandwich & ponder it again.
I don’t just want to live to die. If we are all just living to die, then what’s the point of living at all? I want to live…to truly live. I want to live to ache for other people. I want to live to ache for His heart. These are the things that recently I have forgotten. I have lost sight of my passion in life. I have unfortunately lost sight of His heart. I haven’t heard His voice speaking to me in so long. Solely on account of the fact that I haven’t been listening to it. I miss Him. I miss His voice. I miss my certainty. So many things in my life have seemingly fallen apart. But I must trust. Trust that He will restore my life. my heart. my entire life.
I realize that veered slightly from my original story, but those are the things that needed to be said. I walked past that boy I was telling you about once more. As I had already passed he yelled out something to this extent… “do you want to adopt a hippie!?!” of course referring to himself.
Well…you know what?
I think that I would actually love that.
I think that I would love to adopt a hippie.
I think that I would love to adopt a druggie.
I think I would love to adopt a homeless person.
I think I would love to adopt a prostitute.
I think I would love to adopt an alcoholic.
I just love to love.
Just like my Jesus does.
He teaches me how.
Despite circumstance.
Despite pain, discomfort, fear.
In the midst of judgement.
In the midst of shame.
Love.
As He whispers in my ear… “And the greatest of these is love.”
I choose love.
Because He first loved me.
Tonight I went into this store called “earthtones.” A rasta who reminded me of my time that I spent in the caribbean made me a beautiful bracelet which is now one of my favorites. It’s very urban, hippy, bohemian (pick your choice of word)…it fits my style perfectly. It is a thin band of leather painted brown with black edges. Engraved in the center is the word LOVE. That’s what I asked for, but little did I know the implication it would have for the night. My sister surprised me with it later on that night. I didn’t realize that I was actually going to get one. Being the simplistic mind that I am, I wanted the word love on it & nothing else. My sister asked the man to do what ever he thought would look good. Thankfully, there were no sissy looking hearts next to it. Instead there were 3 beautiful sideways “s” looking symbols on each side of the word love. It turned out perfectly. When I wear it, hopefully it will always remind me of tonight. & the love that I feel in my heart for people. For the brokenhearted. The Lord clearly gave me the specific scripture in Isaiah. Chapter 61:1-4. He gave that to me many years ago as the calling that He has placed upon my life.
I know why.
:)
“if grace is an ocean we’re all sinking.” –john mark mcmillian
Sunday, August 2, 2009
7.2
July 2, 2009
July. I listened to my favorite Christmas song ‘baby it’s cold outside’ today. I guess it was that whole Christmas in July mentality. I have no idea what happened.
The beginning of this week was rather treacherous to grit my teeth through. Not sure why. Just the uncertainty of life I suppose. That darn uncertainty creeps up on my every now & again. Sometimes to the point of debilitation. Fear can be the most debilitating, asinine thing ever. It always gets in my way. On the other hand, speaking my mind is one of the most liberating feelings, specifically in relationships. I mean, sure…maybe I’m a little outspoken in relationships, but I refuse to wish that I would have said something that I didn’t. It often results in that feeling that I am an idiot for saying it, but I don’t know…I still find it somewhat refreshing that I am confident enough to express myself.
Life is something I may never figure out. So I should stop trying. I am thoroughly convinced (as of today) that life is not nearly as hard as we make it out to be. I am still finding who I am. I am also convinced that the answer is right in front of me. I have known the answer all along, but I still insist on looking everywhere else. Why is that?
There are many changes I need to make within my own life. So many I have decided that in fact it seems to be somewhat overwhelming.
Speaking of overwhelming. Class starts in like 10 days. Boo. But when it is over my friends…when it is over. I will be one happy girl. (I hope)
I have already decided that after my Organic II final is over in September, I am going on a small sabbatical in the beautiful town of Lakeland, Florida. The only home I have known for the past 3 years. I have decided, provided everything work out, that I will stay there until I am darn good & ready to return. Hopefully by then I will have a slightly better idea as to what I am going to do. Only time will tell.
This Sunday, I am spending 5 days with one of my best friends in sunny Destin. I love the beach. I love sunshine. & I love my besties. And as much as I complain about it, I love the heat. My complaining is just to fill in the silence. I do love the warm weather. Especially because my hands are always freezing. Of course the boys are the only ones other than me that notice that. They never seem to let me live that down for some reason.
I miss so many things right now. I miss Florida so much. I miss my accountability. I miss my best friends. I miss dressing up hoping that I will see that cute boy. Haha. It sounds stupid, but I do. I miss the coffeehouse. I miss running at Lake Hollingsworth. I miss the sun. I miss the pressure of schoolwork. I miss climbing to the top of Mitchell’s only to be scared out of my mind that I was going to fall off the top or get drug away to jail for trespassing. I miss adventures with ‘the family.’ I miss continual smiles & encouragement. I miss teachers who we complained about because they had no idea what they were doing. I miss late night trips to Wally World with intense outfits on. I miss the sunsets over the lake. I miss stilettos, cobblestones, & sore ankles. I miss a lot of things. Those things are just a memory. Things that I will never forget. A lot of them, I will perhaps never get back which saddens me. On the other hand, I know…there are great things to come.
There’s a lot I want to say. A lot I could say. But I’m somewhat tired. I think that I will retire for the night.
Until later.
Cheers.
July. I listened to my favorite Christmas song ‘baby it’s cold outside’ today. I guess it was that whole Christmas in July mentality. I have no idea what happened.
The beginning of this week was rather treacherous to grit my teeth through. Not sure why. Just the uncertainty of life I suppose. That darn uncertainty creeps up on my every now & again. Sometimes to the point of debilitation. Fear can be the most debilitating, asinine thing ever. It always gets in my way. On the other hand, speaking my mind is one of the most liberating feelings, specifically in relationships. I mean, sure…maybe I’m a little outspoken in relationships, but I refuse to wish that I would have said something that I didn’t. It often results in that feeling that I am an idiot for saying it, but I don’t know…I still find it somewhat refreshing that I am confident enough to express myself.
Life is something I may never figure out. So I should stop trying. I am thoroughly convinced (as of today) that life is not nearly as hard as we make it out to be. I am still finding who I am. I am also convinced that the answer is right in front of me. I have known the answer all along, but I still insist on looking everywhere else. Why is that?
There are many changes I need to make within my own life. So many I have decided that in fact it seems to be somewhat overwhelming.
Speaking of overwhelming. Class starts in like 10 days. Boo. But when it is over my friends…when it is over. I will be one happy girl. (I hope)
I have already decided that after my Organic II final is over in September, I am going on a small sabbatical in the beautiful town of Lakeland, Florida. The only home I have known for the past 3 years. I have decided, provided everything work out, that I will stay there until I am darn good & ready to return. Hopefully by then I will have a slightly better idea as to what I am going to do. Only time will tell.
This Sunday, I am spending 5 days with one of my best friends in sunny Destin. I love the beach. I love sunshine. & I love my besties. And as much as I complain about it, I love the heat. My complaining is just to fill in the silence. I do love the warm weather. Especially because my hands are always freezing. Of course the boys are the only ones other than me that notice that. They never seem to let me live that down for some reason.
I miss so many things right now. I miss Florida so much. I miss my accountability. I miss my best friends. I miss dressing up hoping that I will see that cute boy. Haha. It sounds stupid, but I do. I miss the coffeehouse. I miss running at Lake Hollingsworth. I miss the sun. I miss the pressure of schoolwork. I miss climbing to the top of Mitchell’s only to be scared out of my mind that I was going to fall off the top or get drug away to jail for trespassing. I miss adventures with ‘the family.’ I miss continual smiles & encouragement. I miss teachers who we complained about because they had no idea what they were doing. I miss late night trips to Wally World with intense outfits on. I miss the sunsets over the lake. I miss stilettos, cobblestones, & sore ankles. I miss a lot of things. Those things are just a memory. Things that I will never forget. A lot of them, I will perhaps never get back which saddens me. On the other hand, I know…there are great things to come.
There’s a lot I want to say. A lot I could say. But I’m somewhat tired. I think that I will retire for the night.
Until later.
Cheers.
7.12
Hi. It’s me.
I can recap real quick.
I have no internet, hence the reason I never write to you anymore.
Organic I & lab start tomorrow. Yes….can you hear my sarcasm?
Then on to part II. 10 weeks total. Then I’m 100% done. Diploma in hand.
Ready to take on the world. I will do this. I will succeed. & I will do it with a smile on my face even when it’s painful.
I will be brave & I will conquer.
Other than that…nothing much to report.
That is the biggest thing on my mind right now.
And “you” of course.
The “you” I haven’t been able to shake since I left sunny florida.
I can’t explain it.
The fleeting glimpse of whatever it was that we had still lingers in my mind.
It was the nothingness that we had that made me fall so hard.
It was completely impulsive.
I’m rarely impulsive.
But…somehow entirely satisfying.
I don’t know.
All I know is that I miss him.
And I feel juvenile for even saying that.
Simply because he probably hasn’t thought twice about me.
Sometimes I wonder why things can’t be different.
Why can’t you be here with me?
Or me there with you?
Is it sheer separation?
Or is it the fact of knowing that I want something I can’t have.
Both.
That’s what I say.
You know me.
I always wear my heart on my sleeve.
It has been all I can do to keep my big mouth shut.
I’ve tried talking myself out of it.
But…you can’t help who you love.
Oh you know. That crazy little thing called love.
Love…sigh.
focus steph focus!
Organic organic organic!!!!
“sweet darling. This is my confession to the crimes of wanting you badly. And darling if you’re wondering. Here’s you’re answer. Yes I like you. I don’t love you. I can’t love you. or at least I do not think I do…” –between the trees
so goodnight my love.
I can recap real quick.
I have no internet, hence the reason I never write to you anymore.
Organic I & lab start tomorrow. Yes….can you hear my sarcasm?
Then on to part II. 10 weeks total. Then I’m 100% done. Diploma in hand.
Ready to take on the world. I will do this. I will succeed. & I will do it with a smile on my face even when it’s painful.
I will be brave & I will conquer.
Other than that…nothing much to report.
That is the biggest thing on my mind right now.
And “you” of course.
The “you” I haven’t been able to shake since I left sunny florida.
I can’t explain it.
The fleeting glimpse of whatever it was that we had still lingers in my mind.
It was the nothingness that we had that made me fall so hard.
It was completely impulsive.
I’m rarely impulsive.
But…somehow entirely satisfying.
I don’t know.
All I know is that I miss him.
And I feel juvenile for even saying that.
Simply because he probably hasn’t thought twice about me.
Sometimes I wonder why things can’t be different.
Why can’t you be here with me?
Or me there with you?
Is it sheer separation?
Or is it the fact of knowing that I want something I can’t have.
Both.
That’s what I say.
You know me.
I always wear my heart on my sleeve.
It has been all I can do to keep my big mouth shut.
I’ve tried talking myself out of it.
But…you can’t help who you love.
Oh you know. That crazy little thing called love.
Love…sigh.
focus steph focus!
Organic organic organic!!!!
“sweet darling. This is my confession to the crimes of wanting you badly. And darling if you’re wondering. Here’s you’re answer. Yes I like you. I don’t love you. I can’t love you. or at least I do not think I do…” –between the trees
so goodnight my love.
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