Saturday, June 27, 2009

on missing you

6.24.09



I miss your beautiful eyes.
You’re hand on my waist pulling me close.
Walking in the autumn air under a blanket of stars.
I remember the first time we met.
Catching glances across the room.
Speechless.
We never cared what anyone thought.
Dancing with our feet leading the way.
My nervous heart beating fast.
And your breath on my neck.
The paralyzing feeling of your touch.
I miss the glimmer of what once was.
The picture I have of you smiling at me.
Replays in my mind.
Like a dream that is unending.
How do I go on without you?
How can I go back to being alone?
You’re my hope.
My only downfall.
Won’t you please be my escape?

<3 me

:::::

Love & Theft:

It’s been a long week.
I’ve got a slow leak in my left front tire.
I’m sick of where I work.
My boss is such a jerk.
Don’t care if I get fired.
My back’s about to break.
No money in the bank.
She don’t call me anymore.
I’m down to my last drink.
It’s time to sell my things.

And pack my bags.
And never look back.
Run a parallel line with the railroad tracks.
And make my getaway.
Put the pedal to the metal.
As the sun goes down.
Leave everybody sleeping.
In this sleepy town tonight.
At the break of day.
I’ll be your runaway.

A hundred miles in.
I got a stupid grin.
On my scruffy face.
With every cigarette.
I’m burning my regrets.
Don’t wanna leave a trace.
And from my rear view.
I’ve got a clear view.
Of who I used to be.
A little bit faster now.
Don’t wanna turn around.

I’m gonna pack my bags.
And never look back.
Run a parallel line with the railroad tracks.
And make my getaway.
Put the pedal to the metal.
As the sun goes down.
Leave everybody sleeping.
In this sleepy town tonight.
At the break of day.
I’ll be your runaway.

It’s crazy I know.
To count on this road to give me what I need.
But with every state line.
Somehow I find.
Another part of me.

I’m gonna pack my bags.
And never look back.
Run a parallel line with the railroad tracks.
And make my getaway.
Put the pedal to the metal.
As the sun goes down.
Leave everybody sleeping.
In this sleepy town tonight.
And at the break of day.
I’ll be your runaway.

6.20

June 20.

I am in denial. June is almost over. 3 more weeks & I begin what I have been dreading for the entire 4 years of my college career. I have 2 words for you…organic chemistry. 10 weeks of sheer…well, you fill in the blanks. Although I hope it is not nearly as bad as I am expecting. I have chosen to put myself through parts 1 & 2 of organic in a 10 week session. No breaks. Yes…I have completely lost it. I am so nervous & I haven’t even gotten there yet. The word intensity may bring on a brand new meaning in my life. When the 10 weeks are completed, I will however feel invincible I imagine. I have decided to attempt to put my life into perspective over this next week or so. Perhaps clear up some confusion within my own thought process. Some would call it a sabbatical I suppose. I have my future ahead of me. an open book with plank pages. But what will I write there? This transition in m life has been immensely difficult. The fear of the unknown, yet the excitement of the adventure. Goals…I want to have them, but setting realistic ones is more the issue. September (the end of my undergraduate career) will be here in the blink of an eye. I keep praying/hoping that there will be some kind of divine intervention from God between now & then. I need clarity & direction. Although I feel undeserving of it due to my lack of relationship with Him recently. What is it that I want to do with my life? I have asked myself a million times at least. Yet, I still have not come up with an answer. Other than the fact that my family is in Atlanta, I have no desire to be here really. I love it. I love the city lights. Yet, I feel that I would be fine without it. sure a little of my heart is here. But sometimes I feel the need to start over. I feel homeless at times. Somewhat like a vagabond. Part of me wants to go back to Florida, but even if I did, things would never be the same as it once was. My friends are there, yet even they, after time, will move on. I mustn’t move there on account of the. On account of that boys charming smile I can’t get out of my head….as an escape from my problems here. Because surely they will follow me there. I am completely & utterly lost. it makes sense to move back. Where my church family is. Where I have accountability & a sense of freedom. But must I do it alone? Is it the most realistic option for me? where would I work & where would I live? Should I go back to school? The latter is what I am contemplating most. Med school…my life long dream now seems to fade like a cloud in the distance. Why is that? Is it lack of motivation? Fear? I don’t know. Should I shoot for a masters? Even if then, what will I do? Too many questions. That can’t be answered. I am forced to take it one day at a time. Trusting God has never been so difficult. Summer shows herself every year by giving me more time to think. She makes me question once again who I am. What am I fighting for? Who will I become? All I know is that I don’t want to sit back & watch life/ opportunities pass me by. I don’t’ want to rule out the possibility of moving back to Florida simply because I am afraid I will be alone. Nor do I want to rule out the possibility of going anywhere else due to fear. I keep hearing that line from the moving The Notebook repeat in my head. When Noah asks Allie a screams “What do you want! Stop thinking about what everyone else wants! What do YOU want!?!”

I feel stuck. For the time being I am here in this place. Finishing organic is next on my list. One day at a time. That’s all.

This is what I am devising from life:


-take one day at a time.
-I am in fact in charge of my own happiness.
-life throws you punches. Sometimes while you’re still on the ground. Get up anyways.
-love is found in the most unlikely of places.
-simple living is the only way to live.
-live for today & regret nothing.
-never give up or stop dreaming.
-think outside of the box.
-take time to listen.
-God loves me more than I think he does & is not nearly as mad at me as I think He is.
-I have to do what’s best for me. not worry about what everyone else says. Afterall…this is my life & I’ve only got one chance to live it.
-things are never as they seem.
-with change always comes growth. And the worse it hurts, the more you grow. (good news for me)
-silence is ok.
-saying something of substance is often the simplest phrase.
-my life can & will change the world.
-every day I have the opportunity to reach someone. To love.
-Love is the greatest gift. “all we need is love love love.” –the beatles
-hope is what drives us to be better. To live. To breath. And to keep moving forward.
-life in itself is an adventure. There’s no going back. Only looking ahead. And plunging headfirst into the unknown despite what fears & discouragement may come along.
-speaking your mind is one of the most liberating feelings.
-I don’t have to decide to day what I am going to do 30 years from now. All I have to do is choose what I will do today.
-perseverance is one of the most important traits. No one is innately born with perseverance. It must be practiced over & over again.
-disappointments last for a season. Learn to let go. Move on.
-there are few people in my life that are actually true friends. and I’ve got to hold on to them for dear life.
-I am not bound by statistics.
-hope…sometimes that I will attain only by dreaming.

This is the beginning stages of my summer thinking. More to come…

Friday, June 19, 2009

june 19

I would like to write something profound. Endearing. Maybe even something a little contentious. I haven’t decided what that is yet. That could be a slight problem. During the day I may have a million profound things to say, but by time I sit down to write them I have forgotten them all. Maybe I will think of something intellectually stimulating within the next week.

This weekend I spent 4 days in a mansion to say the least. I nanny-ed for a couple & had a blast taking care of their daughter. A handful nonetheless, but the Lord blessed me so much with that job. Young people & children are my passion, so it honestly seems less like a job & more like a calling. I made a pocketful of money which was needed beyond what you can understand.

I laughed at realizing how much of a minimalist I am. Simple could probably describe me to the core. Although I many times feel myself struggling with discontentment, it really doesn’t take much to please me. I realized that the simpler my life is, the happier I am. I love my friends, my family. I love the simple things in life. Of course having nice things is great too, I have found that often the things that are the most expensive in life are the things that ironically have the least value to me. The ‘free’ things in life are what are most valuable to me. They are the things that I treasure the most in my heart. Friends. Family. Love. Little flowers. Dancing. Walking with you under a starlit sky.

My list could go on. Forever probably. The simple things are what bring me the most joy in life. People taking an interest in my life…I am so thankful for that. For the people that have made me who I am today. The people that weren’t afraid to tell me what they were thinking. Those that told me that I was making a mistake when I was making a mistake & encouraged the decisions in my life that were wise. Those that encouraged me to never stop dreaming. Which is why I am such a dreamer to this day still. Those that believed in me. Forced me to never give up. Pushed me through the pain & the tears only to make me realize what the important things in life were truly about.

For this I will always be thankful.
For the simplest smile.
Encouraging word.
Gentle hug.
That ‘hello’.
Flowers on my doorstep.
Kind eyes.



These little things mean the most to me.

Monday, June 8, 2009

1 a.m.

June 4th, 2009



For a while I felt a little conceited that all I do on my blog is talk about me. Then I realized that it was, in fact, MY blog. I think I’m allowed to do that. I do most of my thinking at night. When I am warm & cozy in my bed, I grab the dear ol’ laptop…& type type type away.

I am in my warm, cozy bed right now. A bug just landed on my face. I swatted it, & it is probably now lying next to me. Nonetheless, I’m trying not to think about it as I am typing away. Trying to decide what I want to talk about seeing as there are always 200 million things running through this head of mine. Here I am….probably should be sleeping as I have an eventful weekend coming up. Sleep is one of my most favorite things in the world. Although I enjoy the hustle & bustle of life…what I love the most is when the world becomes still. Even if for just a moment. I love putting each day behind me & waking up to a fresh start. Putting all the mistakes for the day away. And reaching for a way tomorrow to not repeat them. Looking for new opportunities. New people to meet. New adventures before my fingertips.

Anyways…I am listening to one of my favorite songs. By Julie Roberts…not to be confused with the actress. :) at any rate it is called “rain on a tin roof.” I relate to people through song. Most of my friends have “a song.” One particular song that reminds me of them, especially when I am absent from them. Often I let them choose it. Then there are some other poor souls that have no say & I give them a ridiculous one. Either way, many times, my observance of people simple makes me choose a certain song for them. So perhaps we are not even friends. Maybe mere acquaintances. Perhaps someone I would smile at in the elevator. And some are lucky to get more than one.

So I’m listening to Julie Roberts. I have found a song for you. Finally. I generally don’t have a hard time pinpointing songs for people nor do I try to make it a habit to blog about such ramblings. But this is a special case. One who’s eyes I won’t soon forget. Occasionally I meet people who make an unintentional impact on my life. It’s really almost amazing. They are the ones that are in & out of my life in a flash. It is these people that I have a hard time letting go of. The ability of those that can still pierce my heart that way reminds me that perhaps I am not as guarded as I make myself out to be. That I am still capable of allowing someone to love me without fear of losing.

I can’t say much more than this. I must leave you to the wondering. & me to the remembering. To the wishing things were different & wishing you were here, but knowing the importance of letting life simply happen with deliberate timing.

I am infamous for ‘jumping the gun’ in situations such as these. My instinct is to let things be known as I always do. Having a freedom, vulnerability & ensuring a lack of regret. Yet for some reason, this is a little different. It is an intrinsic ‘holding back’ that I am choosing this time, not due to fear, but instead simply allowing destiny to run its course. This must be a sign that I am growing up. As difficult as it is…maybe I am finally starting to realize the importance of waiting. Of sitting back & realizing that love will find its way to me & that I don’t have to go searching for it.

Well…here it is. “Rain on a Tin Roof”. For you.

My dearest you.
The inimitable, irreplaceable YOU:



His eyes are blue just like the ocean
His heart is a river free
Now & then he gets the notion
And he finds his way to me.

His loves like
Rain on a tin roof
Sweet song of a summer time storm
And oh the way that it moves you
It’s a melody of passion raging on
And then it’s gone.

He tells me he’ll be back to see me
Every time he has to go
I keep wondering just when that’ll be
Cause with him you never know.

His love’s like
Rain on a tin roof
Sweet song of a summer time storm
And oh the way that it moves you
It’s a melody of passion raging on
And then it’s gone.

And just like a thirsty field
I can’t complain a bit
Cause I’m thankful for every sing drop I get.

His love’s like
Rain on a tin roof
Sweet song of a summer time storm
And oh the way that it moves you
It’s a melody of passion raging on
And then it’s gone.


Here’s to difficult choices. To wondering what could have been. But having enough hope to press on. To waiting tirelessly.

To loving inadvertently with both eyes closed in complete trust & vulnerability.


.cheers.

Monday, June 1, 2009

hmm. am i an artisan?

just took a tempermant quiz. i don't know...i think i might take it again. haha. is that cheating? i would have thought of myself as more of an idealist. although this was fairly accurate as well. i wish i could have seen percentages. darn it.




Your Keirsey Temperament Sorter Results indicates that your personality type is that of the

Artisans are the temperament with a natural ability to excel in any of the arts, not only the fine arts such as painting and sculpting, or the performing arts such as music, theater, and dance, but also the athletic, military, political, mechanical, and industrial arts, as well as the "art of the deal" in business.

Artisans are most at home in the real world of solid objects that can be made and manipulated, and of real-life events that can be experienced in the here and now. Artisans have exceptionally keen senses, and love working with their hands. They seem right at home with tools, instruments, and vehicles of all kinds, and their actions are usually aimed at getting them where they want to go, and as quickly as possible. Thus Artisans will strike off boldly down roads that others might consider risky or impossible, doing whatever it takes, rules or no rules, to accomplish their goals. This devil-may-care attitude also gives the Artisans a winning way with people, and they are often irresistibly charming with family, friends, and co-workers.

Artisans want to be where the action is; they seek out adventure and show a constant hunger for pleasure and stimulation. They believe that variety is the spice of life, and that doing things that aren't fun or exciting is a waste of time. Artisans are impulsive, adaptable, competitive, and believe the next throw of the dice will be the lucky one. They can also be generous to a fault, always ready to share with their friends from the bounty of life. Above all, Artisans need to be free to do what they wish, when they wish. They resist being tied or bound or confined or obligated; they would rather not wait, or save, or store, or live for tomorrow. In the Artisan view, today must be enjoyed, for tomorrow may never come.

There are many Artisans, perhaps 30 to 35 percent of the population, which is good, because they create much of the beauty, grace, fun, and excitement the rest of us enjoy in life.

Artisans at Work
Artisans seek to make an impact upon the organizations where they work and upon society at large. Their alertness to current realities, the joy they take in variation, and their tendency to follow their instincts to 'what works' make them good troubleshooters and negotiators, talented performers and craftspeople and excellent leaders in all kinds of emergencies and chaotic situations.

Your heightened aesthetic sense can lead you to craft and perfect whatever work you take on. As a result, in your ideal job you would likely have the freedom to gather observations, collections of facts, and sets of skills in order to do your work. You can be thrilled when you slip through a window of strategic opportunity that colleagues or the competition haven’t yet seen.

About Me