i forgot

to post this one 6.14.08

I am sitting down to write. Finally. I am feeling somewhat inspired. This summer has been insanely busy. Most days I wonder how in the world I’m going to accomplish all of this stuff, while still managing to get by with my normal life. So far I’ve made it. I’m going to make it. I’m certain. I’ve had so much on my mind lately. I feel like I have been carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders….kind of a big responsibility…

Life is changing. Dramatically. More so & faster than I ever thought. No complaints though. I think this might actually turn out ok. I’m scared & excited all at the same time. Maybe what I wanted all along is finally turning out to be. Even if it has been a little harder than I thought. I think I may be finally finding the “ME” I’ve been looking for for so long.

Tonight was great. I laughed. I feel like I haven’t really laughed in a long time. You know what I mean by laugh? I mean not a chuckle…not a smile. I mean one of those loud laughs where you’re embarrassed that you laughed that loud.

Laughing. I love that word. It’s a word of sheer joy. Of bliss.
Many people live their lives without joy.
Without any laughter.
With so much pain.
I can’t imagine.

Thank you God for Your joy in my life.
For family.
For friends.
For love.

I have no idea where life is going to take me. I have no idea what’s around the corner, but what I am starting to catch a glimpse of is the things that I want for my life. I constantly have to tell myself not to settle for anything less.


I guess we’ll see. :)


Anyways…there’s been beauty in the breaking.

love

love is not a feeling. most of the time when you ask people what love is...that's what they'll tell you. i would like to do an experiment & video tape people's answers on this one. it's actually kind of heart wrenching for me. the realization of this for me was a few weeks ago in my speech class. when asked to state the definition of love...i had no idea that so many people had it wrong. or maybe i did, but just had never heard anyone talk about it out loud. so let's define it. shall we?



1 Corinthians 13:

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

i have no idea

what i'm doing. but the more & more i push & strive. the more & more Jesus comes & loves on me. the more He comes & reminds me that this is all going to be worth it some day. even when i don't understand & things don't turn out how i want them to...He is still in control & He is still always looking out for me. He is my eyes when i am too selfish to see.

♥

thank you YHWH(my Eyes)

♥

why can't i have paint running down my walls like this?
that would be so much fun.




abandonment to Jesus. sort of ironic how this song became so popular, yet no one really realized what they were singing.

pressure

probably a good word for the summer. i feel like i'm dying. like literally...i am slowly drowning in a sea of storm stricken waves. my chest hurts basically 24/7 & i think my mom may kill me for complaining before anything else.

4 classes & failing every single one. i'm not being modest either. what's a girl to do? all this time & money spent. it's going to take nothing less than a miracle from heaven to get me through this. this is between giving my all or giving up. sometimes i feel like my all just isn't good enough. i guess only time will tell. nothing in my life has ever been easy. i don't know why i thought this would be any different.


hayley williams is beautiful...sometimes i'm envious of her. ok i always am...here she is:

frou frou

cover by boys like girls. one of the most amazing things i've heard in a while.





love it.




Let Go

Drink up baby down
Are you in or are you out?
Leave your things behind
'Cause it's all going off without you
Excuse me too busy you're writing a tragedy
These mess-ups
You bubble-wrap
When you've no idea what you're like

So, let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

It gains the more it gives
And then advances with the form
So, honey, back for more
Can't you see that all the stuff's essential?
Such boundless pleasure
We've no time for later
Now you can wait
You roll your eyes
We've twenty seconds to comply

So, let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's al right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

yesterday

Jet Lyrics
Hold On Lyrics

was terrible. i can't go into details but to top things off at the end of the night my dog got loose again. i threw on my tennis shoes at around 11 last night & went for a run. a big run. a fast run. finally i found her in someone else's yard miles from home to which i sat in their yard trying to catch her for about 30 min. this whole fiasco probably lasted an hour or more, but it felt like longer. so i had an eventful night. and i've got the scars to prove it this morning too.

i can't believe i didn't get arrested. i sat on someones lawn until about 12 o'clock last night crying my eyes out watching my own life fall apart. the dog was just the cherry on top of the ice cream yesterday. i keep asking God what i should do, but i haven't really heard much from Him lately. and i don't mean that in a sarcastic or angry way. i'm just saying i really haven't heard His voice lately so i'm completely lost.

i have no idea what i'm doing. i don't know if i can make it through the summer like this. i keep telling myself that i can & sometimes i'm so strong that it hurts. i have made it almost half way through my classes & i'd hate for it to end right now. but i'm doing poorly in pretty much every single one due to lack of time. not due to my own apathy. i can't really go into anything personal so i guess it would be difficult for you to understand.

but...anyways. sorry for the sad little post.

maybe i should just hold on a little while longer.
i feel like this song.




"Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education alone will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan "press on" has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race."
-John Calvin Coolidge

bravery

yesterday i was brave.
i wish i could be brave every day.
what holds me back from bravery anyways?
it's always scary at first.
but the exhilarating feeling of actually
accomplishing what i am scared to do in
the first place is worth it.
the most difficult things in life
always turn out to be the best things
in life.

reinventing

i have to decided to reinvent. i'm not worried about all of the foolishness. all the things that really don't matter...


here's to me being me & loving it despite what everyone else says.


the end.