stephen christian's book is coming out in the spring. no one could be more excited about this than me. i was hoping for it for such a long time. you have no idea. & finally he pulls through.... :) if i had a second i'd take the time to read the 1st chapter...the only part i have access to at the moment.
very soon. very soon. i will set a date with stephen christian's book & a large cup of starbucks chai. i wish i could cut the word BOOK out of that last sentence. ha. what i wouldn't give to sit down with what i consider one of my greatest personal heros & have a cup of chai.
Here I am again. In this same bitter fight. I’m always in.
Home. They say it’s where the heart is. But I feel like my heart is somewhere else tonight.
I love home. It’s just when I’m here… I think of all the things that WERE. All the things that ARE. And all the things that COULD have been.
I couldn’t have fought any harder. I have no regrets. Sometimes I hang on too tightly. Sometimes I give in too easily. It’s hard to trust. But it’s harder to lose.
The pain rushes in after a while. Like an eager sweeping tide. Drowning me over and over.
My broken heart breaks a little more. Maybe just over again in a different way. Even when I try to ignore it.
I’m not as strong as you think. And it’s not fair. Because you know that I change. To be who you want me to be.
It’s weird that things turned out the way they did. I know it’s for a good reason. And it’s been a long time.
But it doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. And it certainly doesn’t make it right. All the time spent.
And all the tears. After all of the laughter. The silence. The summer sun. And the beat of our racing hearts.
Life changes so quickly. Times change. But people don’t.
Maybe I’m the one doing all of the changing. But it seems that no matter what happens. You always come back to the same fight.
That once left you wounded. Cold and standing in the rain. Tears pouring down your face. Waiting for someone to turn around.
But they never do. You keep breathing. Keep moving forward.
But every once in a while. You glance over your shoulder. And reminisce on what was.
With a little tear. And a little smile. That’s what I did tonight. I won’t forget. I can’t. Forget.
Love.
Life.
A little of both.
I have listened to the song “cannonball” by Damien Rice at least a MILLION times. I’m in love with it:
“Stones taught me to fly. Love taught me to cry. Life taught me to die. Come on courage. Teach me to be shy. I don’t want to lose. But it’s not hard to fall. When you float. Like a cannonball.”
i just found this saved on my computer & Jesus made me smile.
Tuesday, August 08, 2006 i wrote:
Wow. That's all i can say! I'm finally here. At Southeastern. How blessed I am!!! Though I miss the family, I am finally "re-grabbing" the Father's hand. How exciting! I'm finally beginning to feel myself again. God is stirring up my heart & the gifts within my spirit. He's wrapping me in His love. He's dancing & singing over me. I can hear it in the subtle stillness of my heart. My heart is filling with passion. Jesus is rekindling & setting my innermost being ablaze with His FIRE. His heart beats for me & mine for Him. He's calling me His little warrior bride & making me fearless. I am my Beloved's & He is mine! The amount of knowledge that I have gained in only 3 weeks of being here is immense. He's teaching me daily new things. I'm letting go of pride & learning to worship freely. Oh, it feels good to be free! & not care what anyone thinks. And...not to mention the amazing people & leaders here. He's raising me up to lead as well. He's making me victorious & guiding my every step. He watches over me & is CONTINUOUSLY suprising me. He's bringing me into my calling. Beginning to show me my destiny. He's teaching me to serve in absolute humility & abandonment to Himself. To serve Him at any cost. The greater the preparation, the greater the calling!
I'm in love with the King of Kings...the Source of my strength & my Hope.
Here I am Lord send me...the cry of my heart is to be near to You!!!
you know those people that have kind eyes? i mean those people that you look at & you feel like you are home. like you are taking the 1st breath you've ever taken in your entire life. those people with a smile that makes you go weak at the knees. and your heart stops beating but you somehow manage to say alive. like their voice calms something in your heart that beats so fast and for once you feel at rest. of course....everything that comes out of my mouth is somewhat of a stutter or ramble. then i wanna kick myself in the shin. haha. it's so embarrassing.
but you know what i'm talking about? i love people like that. i guess i should say BOYS like that. ha. girls never make me go weak at the knees, but i figured you knew what i was talking about. :) those boys where there's just something charming & enchanting behind those eyes & smile. it really doesn't happen that often for me. i'm really picky when it comes to things like that, but every once in a while...there's that boy where i'm like....wow. & my breath catches in my chest.
i have no idea why i am saying all this. i guess because...someone in particular was coming to mind, but no one particular if you know what i mean. me & mom always joke about that line in that movie. she always tells me, "you never know when lightning's gonna strike." haha. it's so true though.
sometimes i miss the inevitable "him" so much that it hurts to breath. but i give it to God every day. i refuse to do anything out of my own strength, but i'm letting God write my story. i'm just watching & waiting for him.
