10.25

you wanna know what was on my mind this week? good. because i'm going to tell you. i was just wondering...well...do you think anyone is truly happy? i mean like really truly happy. & satisfied with their life? it just seems like most of the time we think we know what we want for our lives. & when we get it, we realize maybe what we thought we wanted wasn't really what we did want. Or even worse, maybe it was, but over time we just get apathetic & forget how much we love it until it’s gone. whatever “it” happens to be. i guess it could be just about anything.
i know a lot of people that think they're happy. or that seem happy. but then i find out they're not at all. why is it that nothing is ever as it seems? & sometimes i think that if i was a little less selfish maybe i would love people a little more. maybe if i could see past the exterior pretend life that everyone lives, & into their hearts, maybe I’d be a little more forgiving & a little less critical. i guess it doesn't really take much to see that all people really need is a little love & that everybody deals with the same struggles. i'm pretty sure 'the beatles' beat me to that idea though :) (all you need is love)

but i guess now in my own life i have never been more convinced that i am in charge of my own happiness & i’m the only one that can change things for me. i just wish i lived more like i was in charge of my happiness. i wish that my happiness didn’t depend on other people. i wish that it didn’t depend on the girls in the magazines that tell me that i will never be beautiful enough. i wish it didn’t depend on my friends and family. or my past that makes me believe that my mistakes will always be hanging over my head. & whatever other needless things i fill my life with that are unimportant.

this really has nothing to do with anything. i’m not sure where it’s coming from exactly. i have been meeting a lot of unsatisfied people lately. i guess that got me wondering how they got to be that way & whether happiness is actually attainable. i still think it is. maybe where people go wrong is when they start looking for it outside of themselves. maybe living in pursuit of something really is the only way to live. i never want to live my life so comfortably that i don’t have to sacrifice something in order to be thankful for what i have & where i came from.

sept 25. 2010

just wanna mark this day in my blog.

this could be interesting.

i bawl like a baby. every time.

Its amazing to me that we hurt the ones we love the most. I don't understand that. I keep thinking that things will get better. They never do.

july 7

Summer. You are my favorite. My favorite day of the entire year (july 4th) is officially over. I am so thankful for the people that are in my life. Despite the fact that I feel so far from God, (due to my own selfishness), I know that He has been with me every step of the way. I know that He has placed these people & struggles in my life for a reason. I spent the weekend with family & friends. I love my family of course. Though we have difficult times, I will always love them. I have been even more blessed to have an “extra” family. I am somewhat surprised I haven’t spoken of them prior to this, being that I generally spend as much time with them as I do my real family. I have known them for almost 11 years. The 1st family that I meet when I moved to Atlanta. & it has been amazing to grow up with them. Especially the children. I will never take for granted that I can walk into their home at any time & sit down. That I know where the hidden house key is. & that they love me so much. They would do anything for me. And me for them. From the time that I walk in the door to the time I walk out seems to be a constant stream of laughter. I never get tired of that. I hardly have a memory of my life that doesn’t involve them in some way or another. I love that. Their daughter, who is also my best friend, is getting married in September. Another life change. So excited for my sissy & so amazed at how quickly things come about. & her brother just graduated from the army. So proud of him. It always makes me cry. Not in a sad way but kind of in a sad way too. In a “I am so blessed” sort of way to have the family & friends that I do. Their mom & dad think of me as their daughter. And I think of them as mom & dad away from mom & dad.  its humbling because most people can’t say that about their lives. I love that no matter where we go or what happens down the road, we will always be family & that is something that no one will ever take away.
A few weeks ago, I went to Savannah with one of my best friends, Aryka. She is hands down the smartest friend I have. Not to mention, the best friend a person could ask for. She never judges. Always loves. I hope that at some point in my life I will be the kind of friend that she has been to me to someone else in my life. We had a wonderful and relaxing time. Much needed for the both of us. Savannah was beautiful. And exceptionally historic. Walking through the cemetery at dusk and riding around the city learning of its history was exhilarating. I am so thankful for the freedom that I have. Walking down River Street as the homeless pull out their instruments. But my favorite story was the one about the “waving girl.” A statue was put up by the Savannah River in her honor. The story is about a girl that met sailor. And fell in love. The sailor one day had to leave but promised her that he’d be back for her. Every morning she would come by the river & wave a towel at the incoming ships and every night she would hold out her lantern in hopes that he would return for her as promised. She did that for years & years, but he never returned for her. She eventually died. Most say it was from a broken heart. I guess it was kind of a sad story. It has no happy ending, but what I did learn is that some things are worth waiting for. Some things are worth fighting for. The best things in life are the ones that you have to work really hard for. Anything that comes easy is not worth keeping. The most important thing in life is that you never give up the fight.
I will wait for you.
I will fight for you.

snow patrol

(Lyrically this song is incredible. It just is incredible. All ways)

I'm running out of ways to make you see
I want you to stay here beside me
I won't be okay and I won't pretend I am
So just tell me today and take my hand

Please take my hand
Please take my hand
Please take my hand
Please take my hand

Just say yes
Just say there's nothing holding you back
It's not a test
Nor a trick of the mind, only love

It's so simple and you know it is, you know it is
We can't be to and fro like this all our lives
You're the only way to me, the path is clear
What do I have to say to you for God's sake, dear?

For God's sake, dear
For God's sake, dear
For God's sake, dear
For God's sake, dear

Just say yes
Just say there's nothing holding you back
It's not a test
Nor a trick of the mind, only love

Just say yes
'Cause I'm aching and I know you are too
For the touch
Of your warm skin as I breathe you in

I can feel your heart beat through my shirt
This was all I wanted, all I want

It's all I want
It's all I want
It's all I want
It's all I want

Just say yes
Just say there's nothing holding you back
It's not a test
Nor a trick of the mind, only love

Just say yes
'Cause I'm aching and I know you are too
For the touch
Of your warm skin as I breathe you in

breathtaking

So I have a new favorite word: breathtaking. That is my favorite word. This weekend after the wedding I was in told me I was breathtaking. I love being called that. Even if I don't entirely believe it. ;) I looked up the definition & it make it even better. Breathtaking. It meant to much to me that this sweet boy told me this. Strictly out of purity of heart nonetheless. It always means a little more coming from a handsome boy. Haha! But Jesus thinks I'm breathtaking. I don't know why. He is breathtaking to me. Though I am struggling day & night...He is my pursuer. He keeps chasing after my stubborn, broken heart. He truly takes my breath away at the sound of His name. So breathtaking shall be my new word. Not to be taken lightly. But to be used with the utmost care.

Thank you Jesus.
My pursuer.
The reason I breathe.
My breathtaking Love.
I will live my life for You.