Its amazing to me that we hurt the ones we love the most. I don't understand that. I keep thinking that things will get better. They never do.

july 7

Summer. You are my favorite. My favorite day of the entire year (july 4th) is officially over. I am so thankful for the people that are in my life. Despite the fact that I feel so far from God, (due to my own selfishness), I know that He has been with me every step of the way. I know that He has placed these people & struggles in my life for a reason. I spent the weekend with family & friends. I love my family of course. Though we have difficult times, I will always love them. I have been even more blessed to have an “extra” family. I am somewhat surprised I haven’t spoken of them prior to this, being that I generally spend as much time with them as I do my real family. I have known them for almost 11 years. The 1st family that I meet when I moved to Atlanta. & it has been amazing to grow up with them. Especially the children. I will never take for granted that I can walk into their home at any time & sit down. That I know where the hidden house key is. & that they love me so much. They would do anything for me. And me for them. From the time that I walk in the door to the time I walk out seems to be a constant stream of laughter. I never get tired of that. I hardly have a memory of my life that doesn’t involve them in some way or another. I love that. Their daughter, who is also my best friend, is getting married in September. Another life change. So excited for my sissy & so amazed at how quickly things come about. & her brother just graduated from the army. So proud of him. It always makes me cry. Not in a sad way but kind of in a sad way too. In a “I am so blessed” sort of way to have the family & friends that I do. Their mom & dad think of me as their daughter. And I think of them as mom & dad away from mom & dad.  its humbling because most people can’t say that about their lives. I love that no matter where we go or what happens down the road, we will always be family & that is something that no one will ever take away.
A few weeks ago, I went to Savannah with one of my best friends, Aryka. She is hands down the smartest friend I have. Not to mention, the best friend a person could ask for. She never judges. Always loves. I hope that at some point in my life I will be the kind of friend that she has been to me to someone else in my life. We had a wonderful and relaxing time. Much needed for the both of us. Savannah was beautiful. And exceptionally historic. Walking through the cemetery at dusk and riding around the city learning of its history was exhilarating. I am so thankful for the freedom that I have. Walking down River Street as the homeless pull out their instruments. But my favorite story was the one about the “waving girl.” A statue was put up by the Savannah River in her honor. The story is about a girl that met sailor. And fell in love. The sailor one day had to leave but promised her that he’d be back for her. Every morning she would come by the river & wave a towel at the incoming ships and every night she would hold out her lantern in hopes that he would return for her as promised. She did that for years & years, but he never returned for her. She eventually died. Most say it was from a broken heart. I guess it was kind of a sad story. It has no happy ending, but what I did learn is that some things are worth waiting for. Some things are worth fighting for. The best things in life are the ones that you have to work really hard for. Anything that comes easy is not worth keeping. The most important thing in life is that you never give up the fight.
I will wait for you.
I will fight for you.

snow patrol

(Lyrically this song is incredible. It just is incredible. All ways)

I'm running out of ways to make you see
I want you to stay here beside me
I won't be okay and I won't pretend I am
So just tell me today and take my hand

Please take my hand
Please take my hand
Please take my hand
Please take my hand

Just say yes
Just say there's nothing holding you back
It's not a test
Nor a trick of the mind, only love

It's so simple and you know it is, you know it is
We can't be to and fro like this all our lives
You're the only way to me, the path is clear
What do I have to say to you for God's sake, dear?

For God's sake, dear
For God's sake, dear
For God's sake, dear
For God's sake, dear

Just say yes
Just say there's nothing holding you back
It's not a test
Nor a trick of the mind, only love

Just say yes
'Cause I'm aching and I know you are too
For the touch
Of your warm skin as I breathe you in

I can feel your heart beat through my shirt
This was all I wanted, all I want

It's all I want
It's all I want
It's all I want
It's all I want

Just say yes
Just say there's nothing holding you back
It's not a test
Nor a trick of the mind, only love

Just say yes
'Cause I'm aching and I know you are too
For the touch
Of your warm skin as I breathe you in

breathtaking

So I have a new favorite word: breathtaking. That is my favorite word. This weekend after the wedding I was in told me I was breathtaking. I love being called that. Even if I don't entirely believe it. ;) I looked up the definition & it make it even better. Breathtaking. It meant to much to me that this sweet boy told me this. Strictly out of purity of heart nonetheless. It always means a little more coming from a handsome boy. Haha! But Jesus thinks I'm breathtaking. I don't know why. He is breathtaking to me. Though I am struggling day & night...He is my pursuer. He keeps chasing after my stubborn, broken heart. He truly takes my breath away at the sound of His name. So breathtaking shall be my new word. Not to be taken lightly. But to be used with the utmost care.

Thank you Jesus.
My pursuer.
The reason I breathe.
My breathtaking Love.
I will live my life for You.

come find me

i'm so lost. so so lost.
i don't know where i am.
who i am.
where i'm going.
or where i came from.
won't you please come find me?

i am hurt.
i am broken.
i am transparent.

that is all.

2008. really? did i post this already? i don't even know

1.15.08

The last semester has officially begun. With one word simply resounding in my head. Graduation. If I am not mistaken, there are 106 sunsets until that glorious day. Yes. I have counted upon multiple occasions. Not that I am entirely done, but merely one page of my life has been written….and now on to the next. Whatever that may be. I many times wish that I had even the slightest clue.

Not to mention I am coming around on my 22nd year of life soon. Very soon. Hard to believe. 22. I remember as a little child, my favorite number has always been 2. since then I have unconsciously decided that when I turned 22 it would be the best year of my life. well, I guess we’ll see.

Life. all I know is that it’s precious. I know that some of it is spent in grave company. And some in complete loneliness. Some in silence & some in sheer noise. Other in discomfort & some in comfort.

The discomfort that I have felt over the past few years has shaped who I am to the very core. Discomfort generally gives off a negative connotation, but yet, many times its repercussions are to be praised. My mind has been opened to the possibilities & opportunities around me. often times I wish that I was a little child again. that the simplest moments in life brought me joy like they used to. I am in pursuit of this thing that we like to call happiness. I am convinced that we are in fact in charge of our own happiness & that life is what we choose to make it. That through the struggles & the pain, there is a level of accomplishment that could be attained no other way.

Life. is beautiful.

summer love. had me a blast.

June. Summer is my favorite. No competition. So many crazy & exciting things are coming up. Florida was a no go. I don’t understand why & I don’t even really want to talk about it anymore. There’s a reason. I don’t know what that reason is, but I’m semi content with this not knowing why. One of my best friends is getting married next week. I’m honored to be the maid of honor. My best friend in the world is getting married in September. I’m also honored to be the maid of honor in that one. She is more my sister. Our families have been friend s for almost 11 years. I am so thankful for that. I spend an unbelievable amount of time with them. I wouldn’t have it any other way. It feels like home to me. & I honestly can’t say that about anyone else. Not even close. That statement is a big deal for me, because I’m not comfortable anywhere.

Then there’s family issues. They never seem to get any better. They only get worse. I don’t know what to say about that other than I’m doing my best to simply make it through. No one knows.

& I guess there’s boys. Ok…I don’t guess. There’s like 100 boys. I don’t even know what to do with all them. They all seem the same to me. Hmmm…what’s a girl to do? Every day it’s all I can do to maintain focus on what’s important in life. & meaningless , insatiable relationships simply are not. I admit, I have been too tolerant. & this tolerance is biting me back right now.
& then there’s you. The you I’m talking about changes constantly. I’ll think it’s you. Then you turns into someone else. Another “you”. & it’s you…that has my head & heart so confused. As time moves on, so do love interests. It’s all a waiting game I suppose. It’s the 50 I turn down daily waiting on that 1. I don’t mean that in a conceited way. At all. But I’m 23 & single. With an entirely too forward personality. What do you expect?

I’m done here. I miss you missing me.
That’s all.

Oh & the only song I’m listening to on repeat right now:
Joshua Radin-Paperweight.
Go listen.
It reminds me of you.