i'm so lost. so so lost.
i don't know where i am.
who i am.
where i'm going.
or where i came from.
won't you please come find me?
i am hurt.
i am broken.
i am transparent.
that is all.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Saturday, June 5, 2010
2008. really? did i post this already? i don't even know
1.15.08
The last semester has officially begun. With one word simply resounding in my head. Graduation. If I am not mistaken, there are 106 sunsets until that glorious day. Yes. I have counted upon multiple occasions. Not that I am entirely done, but merely one page of my life has been written….and now on to the next. Whatever that may be. I many times wish that I had even the slightest clue.
Not to mention I am coming around on my 22nd year of life soon. Very soon. Hard to believe. 22. I remember as a little child, my favorite number has always been 2. since then I have unconsciously decided that when I turned 22 it would be the best year of my life. well, I guess we’ll see.
Life. all I know is that it’s precious. I know that some of it is spent in grave company. And some in complete loneliness. Some in silence & some in sheer noise. Other in discomfort & some in comfort.
The discomfort that I have felt over the past few years has shaped who I am to the very core. Discomfort generally gives off a negative connotation, but yet, many times its repercussions are to be praised. My mind has been opened to the possibilities & opportunities around me. often times I wish that I was a little child again. that the simplest moments in life brought me joy like they used to. I am in pursuit of this thing that we like to call happiness. I am convinced that we are in fact in charge of our own happiness & that life is what we choose to make it. That through the struggles & the pain, there is a level of accomplishment that could be attained no other way.
Life. is beautiful.
The last semester has officially begun. With one word simply resounding in my head. Graduation. If I am not mistaken, there are 106 sunsets until that glorious day. Yes. I have counted upon multiple occasions. Not that I am entirely done, but merely one page of my life has been written….and now on to the next. Whatever that may be. I many times wish that I had even the slightest clue.
Not to mention I am coming around on my 22nd year of life soon. Very soon. Hard to believe. 22. I remember as a little child, my favorite number has always been 2. since then I have unconsciously decided that when I turned 22 it would be the best year of my life. well, I guess we’ll see.
Life. all I know is that it’s precious. I know that some of it is spent in grave company. And some in complete loneliness. Some in silence & some in sheer noise. Other in discomfort & some in comfort.
The discomfort that I have felt over the past few years has shaped who I am to the very core. Discomfort generally gives off a negative connotation, but yet, many times its repercussions are to be praised. My mind has been opened to the possibilities & opportunities around me. often times I wish that I was a little child again. that the simplest moments in life brought me joy like they used to. I am in pursuit of this thing that we like to call happiness. I am convinced that we are in fact in charge of our own happiness & that life is what we choose to make it. That through the struggles & the pain, there is a level of accomplishment that could be attained no other way.
Life. is beautiful.
summer love. had me a blast.
June. Summer is my favorite. No competition. So many crazy & exciting things are coming up. Florida was a no go. I don’t understand why & I don’t even really want to talk about it anymore. There’s a reason. I don’t know what that reason is, but I’m semi content with this not knowing why. One of my best friends is getting married next week. I’m honored to be the maid of honor. My best friend in the world is getting married in September. I’m also honored to be the maid of honor in that one. She is more my sister. Our families have been friend s for almost 11 years. I am so thankful for that. I spend an unbelievable amount of time with them. I wouldn’t have it any other way. It feels like home to me. & I honestly can’t say that about anyone else. Not even close. That statement is a big deal for me, because I’m not comfortable anywhere.
Then there’s family issues. They never seem to get any better. They only get worse. I don’t know what to say about that other than I’m doing my best to simply make it through. No one knows.
& I guess there’s boys. Ok…I don’t guess. There’s like 100 boys. I don’t even know what to do with all them. They all seem the same to me. Hmmm…what’s a girl to do? Every day it’s all I can do to maintain focus on what’s important in life. & meaningless , insatiable relationships simply are not. I admit, I have been too tolerant. & this tolerance is biting me back right now.
& then there’s you. The you I’m talking about changes constantly. I’ll think it’s you. Then you turns into someone else. Another “you”. & it’s you…that has my head & heart so confused. As time moves on, so do love interests. It’s all a waiting game I suppose. It’s the 50 I turn down daily waiting on that 1. I don’t mean that in a conceited way. At all. But I’m 23 & single. With an entirely too forward personality. What do you expect?
I’m done here. I miss you missing me.
That’s all.
Oh & the only song I’m listening to on repeat right now:
Joshua Radin-Paperweight.
Go listen.
It reminds me of you.
Then there’s family issues. They never seem to get any better. They only get worse. I don’t know what to say about that other than I’m doing my best to simply make it through. No one knows.
& I guess there’s boys. Ok…I don’t guess. There’s like 100 boys. I don’t even know what to do with all them. They all seem the same to me. Hmmm…what’s a girl to do? Every day it’s all I can do to maintain focus on what’s important in life. & meaningless , insatiable relationships simply are not. I admit, I have been too tolerant. & this tolerance is biting me back right now.
& then there’s you. The you I’m talking about changes constantly. I’ll think it’s you. Then you turns into someone else. Another “you”. & it’s you…that has my head & heart so confused. As time moves on, so do love interests. It’s all a waiting game I suppose. It’s the 50 I turn down daily waiting on that 1. I don’t mean that in a conceited way. At all. But I’m 23 & single. With an entirely too forward personality. What do you expect?
I’m done here. I miss you missing me.
That’s all.
Oh & the only song I’m listening to on repeat right now:
Joshua Radin-Paperweight.
Go listen.
It reminds me of you.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
summer love
things are changing so quickly. it's unreal. i've traveled to florida 3 times in the past month. i love florida. lord willing in the next few months i'll be moving here. 2 of my best friends are getting married between now & september. and i am blessed enough to be the maid of honor in both. i have amazing friends. girlfriends. & boyfriends. i am beyond encouraged by the people that i am constantly surrounded by. i wouldn't change that for anything. summer is quickly approaching. change is here to stay. adventure is everywhere i look. i want to keep going but time is my only enemy. i have much more to say.
love.
I miss those blue eyes
How you kiss me at night
I miss the way we sleep
Like there's no sunrise
Like the taste of your smile
I miss the way we breathe
But I never told you
What I should have said
No, I never told you
I just held it in
And now,
I miss everything about you
Can't believe that I still want you
And after all the things we've been through
I miss everything about you
Without you
I see your blue eyes
Everytime I close mine
You make it hard to see
Where I belong to
When I'm not around you
It's like I'm not with me
But I never told you
What I should have said
No, I never told you
I just held it in
And now,
I miss everything about you
Can't believe that I still want you
And after all the things we've been through
I miss everything about you
Without you
But I never told you
What I should have said
No, I never told you
I just held it in
And now,
I miss everything about you
Can't believe that I still want you
And after all the things we've been through
I miss everything about you
Without you
love.
I miss those blue eyes
How you kiss me at night
I miss the way we sleep
Like there's no sunrise
Like the taste of your smile
I miss the way we breathe
But I never told you
What I should have said
No, I never told you
I just held it in
And now,
I miss everything about you
Can't believe that I still want you
And after all the things we've been through
I miss everything about you
Without you
I see your blue eyes
Everytime I close mine
You make it hard to see
Where I belong to
When I'm not around you
It's like I'm not with me
But I never told you
What I should have said
No, I never told you
I just held it in
And now,
I miss everything about you
Can't believe that I still want you
And after all the things we've been through
I miss everything about you
Without you
But I never told you
What I should have said
No, I never told you
I just held it in
And now,
I miss everything about you
Can't believe that I still want you
And after all the things we've been through
I miss everything about you
Without you
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
2.25.10
Well. Here I am. I always find myself here in this same place. Broken. Lost. & in need of You.
Change is in the air. Everywhere I look. The seasons are changing. Things are in transition. An intrinsic shift. This is expected. But there are simply things now that I am anticipating will change very quickly, as they have already. I’m just not quite so sure I’m completely ready to say goodbye to these things. These people specifically. These shifts in time are always exciting. They mean something greater is on the horizon. Though there are greater things right around the corner. New & exciting things. It doesn’t make it any less scary. Or any less uncomfortable. The things/people that I am blessed with at this current state in my life. I will slowly but surely begin to miss. I will go on to meet new people. And experience new places. But the people that are so close to my heart now will never not be close to my heart. they have made me who I am today. And for that. Eternal gratitude.
Yesterday, I received in the smallest amount some encouragement from a friend that I hadn’t seen or hardly talked to in over a year. the simplest acts mean the most. Perhaps this is why I have learned to wear my heart on my sleeve. I have learned that the simplest words mean the most to me, therefore, speaking what I am thinking into the lives of other people has been an integral, revolutionary part of my life.
Sometimes there is that initial regret. To where I say something, & then wonder if I was being too forward. But I am slowly learning to get over that. All that I know is that I was called to Love.
….and Love is Bold.
Change is in the air. Everywhere I look. The seasons are changing. Things are in transition. An intrinsic shift. This is expected. But there are simply things now that I am anticipating will change very quickly, as they have already. I’m just not quite so sure I’m completely ready to say goodbye to these things. These people specifically. These shifts in time are always exciting. They mean something greater is on the horizon. Though there are greater things right around the corner. New & exciting things. It doesn’t make it any less scary. Or any less uncomfortable. The things/people that I am blessed with at this current state in my life. I will slowly but surely begin to miss. I will go on to meet new people. And experience new places. But the people that are so close to my heart now will never not be close to my heart. they have made me who I am today. And for that. Eternal gratitude.
Yesterday, I received in the smallest amount some encouragement from a friend that I hadn’t seen or hardly talked to in over a year. the simplest acts mean the most. Perhaps this is why I have learned to wear my heart on my sleeve. I have learned that the simplest words mean the most to me, therefore, speaking what I am thinking into the lives of other people has been an integral, revolutionary part of my life.
Sometimes there is that initial regret. To where I say something, & then wonder if I was being too forward. But I am slowly learning to get over that. All that I know is that I was called to Love.
….and Love is Bold.
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