My dreams are returning again. finally. Through much pain & searching, I am beginning to see myself again. in what was once a distorted picture of my dreams is now starting to bring clarity & peace to my mind. How quickly I get distracted & lose sight of what really matters. Fear & insecurity is the only thing that has ever holds us back from becoming exactly who we are made to be. I am convinced now more than ever that all we are is simply lovers.
Although I just finished school last October, since my graduation last may, I have discovered so much about myself. Some of which I realize I am needing to change & other things that are simply a nudge of innocence that I must hold onto with all of my might. My dreaming heart has always been one that has frightened me. but frightened me in a good way. I’m such a dreamer. I always have been & always will be. the dreams that are so deep knit into my hearts strings are the same dreams that keep me pushing & striving toward reaching my goals. My dreams are the only things that keep me breathing. I have come too far now to even begin to think about giving up. My “free-spirit” has been both a blessing & a curse I suppose. My wandering heart is able to take me places that other people will only dare dream to go. I’ve always been one to speak my mind. To steer clear of anything or anyone that would make me feel restrained. Most would say that I have “walked to the beat of my own drum”. I am surprised the word “hippie” hasn’t already permanently attached itself to my name somewhere. I often joke that I just go wherever the wind blows me. The worst case scenario for me would be to live my life wondering “what if”. This is something that I promised myself I would never do. I would rather fail embarrassingly numerous times than to never try.
I am learning that my history of running away is one that I must learn to tame. Learning to embrace your life is half the battle. And learning to change the world & love with utter vulnerability is the other. Keeping our hearts guarded leads for a lonely life. I would much rather feel the pang of a thousand stings & learn to love.
“love anything & your heart will be wrung & possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies & little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”
Life is so precious. It’s those little moments that make all of the difference. I just watched the movie, My Sisters Keeper. Compassion has always been my strong suit. I’m not a big crier. But when I see someone hurting, I will cry on a dime. You best believe. It was all I could do to maintain my composure & not loudly begin to wail during this movie. That’s how I know I have a heart for people & from this same desire, I realized that I want to hold orphans & little sick ones in my arms until the day I die. My heart burns for the brokenhearted. To caress their head & kiss there face. Sometimes a simple smile or an “it will be ok” will suffice. I had forgotten this dream that I had held on to so tightly until I had a subtle reminder from someone I hardly even know. I began to have a heart for missions years ago & my dream of one day becoming a doctor slowly coincided with this dream. It wasn’t until recently that I realized the same dream that was found apparent in my heart many years ago was still there. And I have been encouraged by another to continue in pursuit of these desires.
My heart is beginning to ache again. it is beginning to break for people. For love. For justice. For passion. I am on the verge of something great. I can feel it running like a drug through my veins. At times my heart aches for this to the point that I don’t know how I will survive without it. passion is a good thing to have id say. Without it, we would cease to exist.
Starting over. the time is coming for my brand new start. Honestly, its scary as hell but the most exciting thing that I’ve ever done. I’m so beyond ready to jump of the edge with full force. I’m ready to embark on this new adventure & embrace life to its fullest even if I must go it alone. I want to drink in the moments that take my breath away. Feel joy to the highest levels. I’m ready for what is to come next. The tears & the hard work are in no comparison to the laughter & bliss that comes with running with freedom the path that you yourself have paved. Life is beautiful. We were put here to be conquerors. Not to fall victim to defeat.
And it all starts out with a simple dream. My dream is…
A beaming sunshine. Sweat dripping down my back. Sitting on a dirt floor. Rocking & singing to sleep beautiful abandoned babies. Wrapping them in love & security. My dream is less about becoming a doctor & more about becoming a healer. A healer to a broken & dying, hurt world. Love has the capacity to heal wounds. This i am certain of. My dream is becoming a mother. Its becoming a lover. My dream is becoming selfless. Full of hope for tomorrow & for a better future. My dream is to lay down at night with my lover by my side. Reaching out to take his hand next to me & kissing his sleeping eyes goodnight. Waking in the morning to the simple touch of his fingertips on my lips. Watching my little boys grow up to be warriors that fight for injustice as they have seen their father do. & my little princess girls grow up to be zealous lovers of people.
This is my dream. This is what I fight for.
What are you fighting for?
Monday, March 1, 2010
relator
what a fantastic song. one of my favorites. it's beyond brilliant. & since i have been told multiple times i look like scarlett johannson. therefore, i feel obligated to share:
1.21
It amazing to me that all day long I have things to say. And by time I get to my computer at night, they all seem to vanish from my memory. I have slacked big time on my writing lately which must be why so many things have been running through my mind. Every day is a constant battle of decision making. Wondering. And waiting. Where will my life head next? Sitting back, I will get no where. Making my dreams come into fruition will only come when I take action. But what action should I take?
I have never felt so lost in my entire life. In my decisions to figure out what my next move will be. In my friendships. In relationships. In my beliefs. In my 22, almost 23 years of living I had always been certain as to what I believe. That is…up until now. I am realizing that the older I get, the less I know. The more I search, the more I seem to get lost. God seems so far away & everything I have become reminds me of everything I never wanted to be. Like all of humanity the question in my mind has been “who am I?” I am me of course. But who is me? there is a profound distinction between who I am & between who I want to be. not to mention who I pretend to be. it’s exhausting. Surely you understand though. I know very little about anything anymore I feel.
however, I have come to the conclusion that alcohol is not the answer to any problems. Nor are relationships which lack substance. The ones we love the most seem to be the ones we hurt the most. And learning to let go of the temporary & cling to the eternal is a valuable lesson. Deep down in my heart I still know who I am, but somewhere along this beaten path that I walk, I seem to have gotten lost. maybe veered off looking at sorts of enchanting distractions. every tree has begun to look the same. My footprints pointing me back to my destination have blow away with the wind. I’m running but the direction I am running could be putting me into a deeper chasm. The sun is quickly fading. The darkness falls in all around me. as I gaze up at the starless sky, fear begins to grip me. in dread that I will never see the sun again. nor the path that once lead my way. alone. Here I am. as I stop in complete terror, I collapse on a cold vast rock in exhaustion. To simply wait. To wait for the suns warmth again. in hopes that somewhere in my dreaming sleep I will awake to remember my way home.
That’s virtually the only way I feel I am able to express the feelings of my recent aching. I miss my friends so much. I miss the consistency of what was. I miss encouragement to keep striving & pushing for transparency. I miss God. He is always God. even when I run. I miss the florida sunshine. It’s a difficult call for me. just because I miss it doesn’t necessarily mean that’s where I am supposed to be. perhaps it just means I’m living in the past. Or does it? these are the questions that have my mind in a twist. I’ve got choices. Should I stay or should I leave?
I know this boy. This boy in which I miss very much who taught me so much about life. Though our togetherness was shortlived. he taught me to love. He taught me that life isn’t perfect. That’s it’s ok to make mistakes. And more importantly that it’s ok to cry. To admit helplessness. To be transparent & vulnerable. Because without vulnerability & a little bit of pain, you will never learn to love. He taught me how to be brave & the importance of knowing when to fight & when to lay down your sword. He taught me that heartache is inevitable & life is rarely fair but fighting for life is more important than anything else. That honesty is always to be upheld. That loving people is the greatest thing that you can ever do to make a difference in this life. I miss our late night talks. His crooked little smile. But more than anything else, I miss his heart. the glimmer of hope in his eyes that made me wish I was a better person. That made me believe again. that maybe there really was more to this life worth living for. I miss his constant assurance that I was worth more to him than I thought I was. that I was more beautiful & more deserving than I give myself credit for. to me, he means so much. I just don’t think he realizes how much. & now the distance that has torn us so far apart keeps me from being with him. I want so badly to just sit downtown in silence on a park bench in the crisp night air breathing with him. Singing loudly & off key in our cars. Laughing uninhibitedly. I simply wish that I could tell him that I miss the nearness of him. It’s difficult for me to close that chapter of my life. so this isn’t exactly my goodbye. Its simply my gratitude headed straight into the void. With that said. Wherever you are tonight (I wish I could insert your name here)…know that I am eternally grateful for you. Thank you for loving me & making me realize that I am worth waiting for. I miss you. I love you. & I’ll see you soon.
“when you think tim mcgraw. I hope you think my favorite song. The day you turn your radio on. I hope it takes you back to that place. When you think happiness. I hope you think that little black dress. Think of my head on your chest & my old faded blue jeans. When you think tim mcgraw. I hope you think of me. he said the way my blue eyes shined, put those Georgia stars to shame that night. i said that’s a lie.” –taylor swift
I have never felt so lost in my entire life. In my decisions to figure out what my next move will be. In my friendships. In relationships. In my beliefs. In my 22, almost 23 years of living I had always been certain as to what I believe. That is…up until now. I am realizing that the older I get, the less I know. The more I search, the more I seem to get lost. God seems so far away & everything I have become reminds me of everything I never wanted to be. Like all of humanity the question in my mind has been “who am I?” I am me of course. But who is me? there is a profound distinction between who I am & between who I want to be. not to mention who I pretend to be. it’s exhausting. Surely you understand though. I know very little about anything anymore I feel.
however, I have come to the conclusion that alcohol is not the answer to any problems. Nor are relationships which lack substance. The ones we love the most seem to be the ones we hurt the most. And learning to let go of the temporary & cling to the eternal is a valuable lesson. Deep down in my heart I still know who I am, but somewhere along this beaten path that I walk, I seem to have gotten lost. maybe veered off looking at sorts of enchanting distractions. every tree has begun to look the same. My footprints pointing me back to my destination have blow away with the wind. I’m running but the direction I am running could be putting me into a deeper chasm. The sun is quickly fading. The darkness falls in all around me. as I gaze up at the starless sky, fear begins to grip me. in dread that I will never see the sun again. nor the path that once lead my way. alone. Here I am. as I stop in complete terror, I collapse on a cold vast rock in exhaustion. To simply wait. To wait for the suns warmth again. in hopes that somewhere in my dreaming sleep I will awake to remember my way home.
That’s virtually the only way I feel I am able to express the feelings of my recent aching. I miss my friends so much. I miss the consistency of what was. I miss encouragement to keep striving & pushing for transparency. I miss God. He is always God. even when I run. I miss the florida sunshine. It’s a difficult call for me. just because I miss it doesn’t necessarily mean that’s where I am supposed to be. perhaps it just means I’m living in the past. Or does it? these are the questions that have my mind in a twist. I’ve got choices. Should I stay or should I leave?
I know this boy. This boy in which I miss very much who taught me so much about life. Though our togetherness was shortlived. he taught me to love. He taught me that life isn’t perfect. That’s it’s ok to make mistakes. And more importantly that it’s ok to cry. To admit helplessness. To be transparent & vulnerable. Because without vulnerability & a little bit of pain, you will never learn to love. He taught me how to be brave & the importance of knowing when to fight & when to lay down your sword. He taught me that heartache is inevitable & life is rarely fair but fighting for life is more important than anything else. That honesty is always to be upheld. That loving people is the greatest thing that you can ever do to make a difference in this life. I miss our late night talks. His crooked little smile. But more than anything else, I miss his heart. the glimmer of hope in his eyes that made me wish I was a better person. That made me believe again. that maybe there really was more to this life worth living for. I miss his constant assurance that I was worth more to him than I thought I was. that I was more beautiful & more deserving than I give myself credit for. to me, he means so much. I just don’t think he realizes how much. & now the distance that has torn us so far apart keeps me from being with him. I want so badly to just sit downtown in silence on a park bench in the crisp night air breathing with him. Singing loudly & off key in our cars. Laughing uninhibitedly. I simply wish that I could tell him that I miss the nearness of him. It’s difficult for me to close that chapter of my life. so this isn’t exactly my goodbye. Its simply my gratitude headed straight into the void. With that said. Wherever you are tonight (I wish I could insert your name here)…know that I am eternally grateful for you. Thank you for loving me & making me realize that I am worth waiting for. I miss you. I love you. & I’ll see you soon.
“when you think tim mcgraw. I hope you think my favorite song. The day you turn your radio on. I hope it takes you back to that place. When you think happiness. I hope you think that little black dress. Think of my head on your chest & my old faded blue jeans. When you think tim mcgraw. I hope you think of me. he said the way my blue eyes shined, put those Georgia stars to shame that night. i said that’s a lie.” –taylor swift
Saturday, February 20, 2010
iron & wine version
I am thinking it's a sign
That the freckles in our eyes
Are mirror images and when we kiss
They're perfectly aligned
And I have to speculate
That God himself did make us
Into corresponding shapes
Like puzzle pieces from the clay
And true it may seem like a stretch
But it's thoughts like this that catch
My troubled head when you're away
When I am missing you to death
When you are out there on the road
For several weeks of shows
And when you scan the radio
I hope this song will guide you home
They will see us waving from such great heights
Come down now, they'll say
But everything looks perfect from far away
Come down now but we'll stay
I've tried my best to leave
This all on your machine
But the persistent beat
It sounded thin upon listening
And that frankly will not fly
You'll hear the shrillest highs
And lowest lows with the windows down
When this is guiding you home
They will see us waving from such great heights
Come down now, they'll say
But everything looks perfect from far away
Come down now but we'll stay
That the freckles in our eyes
Are mirror images and when we kiss
They're perfectly aligned
And I have to speculate
That God himself did make us
Into corresponding shapes
Like puzzle pieces from the clay
And true it may seem like a stretch
But it's thoughts like this that catch
My troubled head when you're away
When I am missing you to death
When you are out there on the road
For several weeks of shows
And when you scan the radio
I hope this song will guide you home
They will see us waving from such great heights
Come down now, they'll say
But everything looks perfect from far away
Come down now but we'll stay
I've tried my best to leave
This all on your machine
But the persistent beat
It sounded thin upon listening
And that frankly will not fly
You'll hear the shrillest highs
And lowest lows with the windows down
When this is guiding you home
They will see us waving from such great heights
Come down now, they'll say
But everything looks perfect from far away
Come down now but we'll stay
Friday, February 19, 2010
feb 2
Breathe deeply. Be slow to anger. Time heals wounds but regrets last a lifetime. Love with complete vulnerability. If your dreams seem reachable, you're dreaming too small. Satisfaction lies in simple things. Sing loudly. Laugh whenever you can. Take chances. Kiss the ones you love goodnight. Don't forget to say I love you every chance you get. Be open to change. Live fearless.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
a fine frenzy
Running the race
Like a mouse in a cage
Getting nowhere but I'm trying
Forging ahead
But I'm stuck in the bed
That I made so I'm lying
But if you keep real close
Yeah, you stay real close
I will reach you
I'm down to a whisper
In a daydream on a hill
Shut down to a whisper
Can you hear me still
Eager to please,
Trying to be what they need
But I'm so very tired
I've stopped trying to find
Any peace in my mind
Because it tangles the wires
But if you keep real close
Yeah, you stay real close
I will reach you
I'm down to a whisper
In a daydream on a hill
Shut down to a whisper
Can you hear me
Can you hear me still
The sound tires on my lips
To fade away into forgetting
I'm down to a whisper
In a daydream on a hill
Shut down to a whisper
Can you hear me
Can you hear me
I'm down to a whisper
In a daydream on a hill
Shut down to a whisper
Can you hear me
Can you hear me still
Like a mouse in a cage
Getting nowhere but I'm trying
Forging ahead
But I'm stuck in the bed
That I made so I'm lying
But if you keep real close
Yeah, you stay real close
I will reach you
I'm down to a whisper
In a daydream on a hill
Shut down to a whisper
Can you hear me still
Eager to please,
Trying to be what they need
But I'm so very tired
I've stopped trying to find
Any peace in my mind
Because it tangles the wires
But if you keep real close
Yeah, you stay real close
I will reach you
I'm down to a whisper
In a daydream on a hill
Shut down to a whisper
Can you hear me
Can you hear me still
The sound tires on my lips
To fade away into forgetting
I'm down to a whisper
In a daydream on a hill
Shut down to a whisper
Can you hear me
Can you hear me
I'm down to a whisper
In a daydream on a hill
Shut down to a whisper
Can you hear me
Can you hear me still
Thursday, January 14, 2010
on finding the way
Everything I am is everything that I hate. When all along I just wanted to be more like You. It has been in this process of rediscovering myself, that I have gotten lost.
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