Rating: PG (language content)
Hello November. It’s me again. Back from florida. Back from ‘home’. What a wonderful time I had. I can’t even describe. Everything I wanted out of the trip I got. Between my best friends & I, we were never not at a party. A few nights ago, one of my besties & I were standing outside in her driveway as I said, “this entire week has been a kick ass party”. She laughed. Agreed. And I realized how much I miss my friends. 3 out of my 6 best friends currently live in florida. Can you believe that my life is so blessed I have literally 6 best friends? most people are lucky in their lives if they end up with a single best friend. and I have 6. :) unbelievable. I think I might have slept a total of 4 hours the whole trip & lost about 5 pounds, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I met some wonderful new friends. some that I will never ever forget. and caught up with some old ones. Put into full swing some relationships I had already begun that I had been hoping to accelerate. There can be nothing better than being with the ones you love. Questions that I had in my mind for years were answered. I need not to ever wonder “what if.” The refreshment I needed came. I am still facing many decisions, but I feel prepared to face life with confidence.
There were a lot of ‘firsts’ for me this week. For example. I am 22 years old. For the first time in my life I was stung by a bee a few days ago while enjoying the company of my friends over some starbucks. It hurt like hell. But well, its life. and sometimes it hurts. Many more memorable moments happened this week. A few tears were shed for the parting of my friends & I, but when I stop to think about my life…i could never change it. I would keep the heartache & the pain. It has only made me who I am today. I have no regret. I will love. Even if when I wake up, I am alone. Being there this week has however made me realize that I am never alone. Even when it seems as so. Goodbyes always pull at my heart, but one thing is for certain. I realize how many people I love. And that without them I would be nothing.
Love is a word that I hardly knew the meaning of. Now I am starting to understand.
My fears. My failures. Are nothing in comparison to Your Love.
Also for the first time in my life. I realize. How I am able to do anything. There are no limitations on my life. The only limitations I have are the ones I put on myself. I am strong. I am confident. I am independent. I am free. I can accomplish anything my heart want. I can become exactly who I want to be. By pushing forward. By never ever ever giving up.
You need me less than I need you. –the fray
Saturday, November 21, 2009
october 15
Life.
Life is full of decisions.
Questions.
Doubts.
Laughter.
Adventures.
Life is life.
My life is mine. The decisions I make in my life will affect my life in one way or another. With some bigger than others. As a recent college grad, you can imagine the decisions that I am facing. For some reason I never hear people in situations such as mine talk about their decisions. Perhaps that is because most people who graduate from college go directly to their vocation in which they were specifically trained for. But me, on the other hand, has about a million options. My field of study was so broad that I could do virtually anything. Doctor, teacher, researcher, vet…ect…you name it, I am probably qualified in one way or another. Biology was rough, but the reason I chose it was for the very reason that I knew the immense amount of choices I would have when I got out. Everyone who is not me seems to be envious of my options, but I on the other hand have a hard time seeing the benefits. Not so much that I have a hard time seeing the benefits, but my indecisiveness is detrimental to my decision making process. God. I just don’t even know what to do. I don’t know what I want. I mean I know. But I don’t. I don’t even make sense. I’m fully aware of that. I feel exhausted & have no reason to feel exhausted. I think it maybe is called mental exhaustion. I just have a lot on my mind.
I leave for Florida next Friday. In exactly a week. I’m so happy I could literally start crying. I might actually. I miss it beyond words. Although I must admit I’m slightly nervous about it. I don’t know what to expect. At the same time I’m trying not to get my hopes up that it will be a “certain” way, because I don’t want to be disappointed. Sheesh…am I cynical much?
Well whatever. I know things won’t be the same as when I left. The whole point of the trip honestly…is to have a little time to myself. To reflect. Sort out. Hopefully get a little revelation as to what I want to do next. To see my best friends whom I miss terribly. I just pray that I come back with a little glimpse as to where in the world my life is headed. I need some refreshment. Some clarity. So that I can think straight. Hopefully this trip will bring that. I have been looking forward to this trip ever since I left. Ever since I walked out that door, got in my car, looked in the rear view & cried for 8 hours straight.
I feel like I am just now starting to dream again. I feel like I had lost sight of my dreams for quite a while. Finally I am starting to envision my life into something greater.
Right now it is all about what path to take. I have many to choose from. All which lie in front of me. Do I take the job I was offered? Non related to my field of study as a temporary source of income living at home. Do I go back to school to get my masters? Therefore, loaning more money to go back to school & live but getting a higher education in the long run making it easier to pay off. And if so, at home or start somewhere else? Do I fulfill that lifelong dream of becoming a doctor?
Do I sell everything I have? Become a missionary?
Haha. I would like to lean towards the last one honestly.
It’s not like I am stuck with just one choice. At some point in my life they may all tie together. Perhaps not. Perhaps one season of life will be one thing & the next another. Recently I have wanted to be a writer. And a musician. Where in the heck. Mostly I think my problem is that I want to do everything. I want to experience everything. and go on every adventure life can throw at me. I’m young & unhindered. Can you blame me?
But in the meantime, while I am trying to decide which one to do first I am sitting on my rear at home. Not excited about that.
Maybe it’s time. Time for change. Time to grow up. To throw fear out the window. & just jump.
…now THAT’S a definite possibility.
Life is full of decisions.
Questions.
Doubts.
Laughter.
Adventures.
Life is life.
My life is mine. The decisions I make in my life will affect my life in one way or another. With some bigger than others. As a recent college grad, you can imagine the decisions that I am facing. For some reason I never hear people in situations such as mine talk about their decisions. Perhaps that is because most people who graduate from college go directly to their vocation in which they were specifically trained for. But me, on the other hand, has about a million options. My field of study was so broad that I could do virtually anything. Doctor, teacher, researcher, vet…ect…you name it, I am probably qualified in one way or another. Biology was rough, but the reason I chose it was for the very reason that I knew the immense amount of choices I would have when I got out. Everyone who is not me seems to be envious of my options, but I on the other hand have a hard time seeing the benefits. Not so much that I have a hard time seeing the benefits, but my indecisiveness is detrimental to my decision making process. God. I just don’t even know what to do. I don’t know what I want. I mean I know. But I don’t. I don’t even make sense. I’m fully aware of that. I feel exhausted & have no reason to feel exhausted. I think it maybe is called mental exhaustion. I just have a lot on my mind.
I leave for Florida next Friday. In exactly a week. I’m so happy I could literally start crying. I might actually. I miss it beyond words. Although I must admit I’m slightly nervous about it. I don’t know what to expect. At the same time I’m trying not to get my hopes up that it will be a “certain” way, because I don’t want to be disappointed. Sheesh…am I cynical much?
Well whatever. I know things won’t be the same as when I left. The whole point of the trip honestly…is to have a little time to myself. To reflect. Sort out. Hopefully get a little revelation as to what I want to do next. To see my best friends whom I miss terribly. I just pray that I come back with a little glimpse as to where in the world my life is headed. I need some refreshment. Some clarity. So that I can think straight. Hopefully this trip will bring that. I have been looking forward to this trip ever since I left. Ever since I walked out that door, got in my car, looked in the rear view & cried for 8 hours straight.
I feel like I am just now starting to dream again. I feel like I had lost sight of my dreams for quite a while. Finally I am starting to envision my life into something greater.
Right now it is all about what path to take. I have many to choose from. All which lie in front of me. Do I take the job I was offered? Non related to my field of study as a temporary source of income living at home. Do I go back to school to get my masters? Therefore, loaning more money to go back to school & live but getting a higher education in the long run making it easier to pay off. And if so, at home or start somewhere else? Do I fulfill that lifelong dream of becoming a doctor?
Do I sell everything I have? Become a missionary?
Haha. I would like to lean towards the last one honestly.
It’s not like I am stuck with just one choice. At some point in my life they may all tie together. Perhaps not. Perhaps one season of life will be one thing & the next another. Recently I have wanted to be a writer. And a musician. Where in the heck. Mostly I think my problem is that I want to do everything. I want to experience everything. and go on every adventure life can throw at me. I’m young & unhindered. Can you blame me?
But in the meantime, while I am trying to decide which one to do first I am sitting on my rear at home. Not excited about that.
Maybe it’s time. Time for change. Time to grow up. To throw fear out the window. & just jump.
…now THAT’S a definite possibility.
september 27
Here I am. Finding myself on the dear ol’ blogspot. And as usual somewhat unsure as what to say. All I know is that I want to say something. Without meaning to sound like a depressant….i feel so alone right now. Life has a funny way of changing things & this change has brought about a feeling of loneliness. I miss the things that were. I know, however that it is pointless to reminisce on the past because the past has come & gone. never to return again. I did take a little trip down memory lane for a while tonight. Not sure entirely what brought it about. Perhaps it was listening to “the song” that “he” gave to me oh so very long ago. The only boy I’ve ever loved. Or at least I think I loved. But what do I know of love? We were so young. Those so far have been the best days. I remember being incandescently happy. Laughing constantly. That’s all. I miss that feeling. I miss feeling safe. Happy. Vulnerable. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be like that again. I remember not being able to breathe when I saw him & never wanting to leave his arms. This phase in my life was short lived. Shorter than I wanted to see it. he was there & in a glimpse gone. I have never been so open, so free & so strong in my entire life. I hope love one day finds its way back to me. I miss everything about it. except of course the ending. In which I cried myself to sleep every night for about 6 months. Well you know how the story goes. Not a day went by where I didn’t think of him. Then weeks would go by. Then months. To virtually never now. Except for days like today. I miss my best friend. and the hardest part is not being able to tell him. Times have changed. We have changed. Moving on is all we have left with a memory that is slowly fading from my mind.
There you have it friends. I feel like I now have no friends…but whatever. At least not many real friends. and the only real friends I have live currently 8 hours away from me. I never get to see them. Sad. BUT…I will get to in 3 weeks because I’m going down. Thank God. I am trying not to have any expectations for florida. When I get there, I’m gonna try to take it easy. Not worry too much about who’s where & who’s doing what…but instead simply just being. Letting whatever happens happen. This will be difficult. Apparently I think my fate is in my hands & I suppose most of the time it is. But at the same time…sometimes I just have to be & let life happen. And hopefully this time I won’t cry nearly as much as I did last time when I left. That was embarrassing. Haha. But I do miss it. I miss continual friendship & encouragement. I miss parties. I miss life.
Ochem is over. I passed. Praise Him. Now the time has officially come. The next phase in life. I am scared to death. What do I want? What do I do? I have no idea. I’ve never felt so lost in all my life. Only time will tell I suppose.
Time.
Something that I never want to wish away.
Something that I never want to kill.
Because we have so little of it.
Time is all we’ve got.
I’ve been wondering all day what I would do if I wasn’t so afraid. I’ve put so many limitations on myself. It’s time. Time to let go. Time to change. Time to move on. Maybe will be difficult but that’s life. and it’s beautiful.
Goodnight lovers.
There you have it friends. I feel like I now have no friends…but whatever. At least not many real friends. and the only real friends I have live currently 8 hours away from me. I never get to see them. Sad. BUT…I will get to in 3 weeks because I’m going down. Thank God. I am trying not to have any expectations for florida. When I get there, I’m gonna try to take it easy. Not worry too much about who’s where & who’s doing what…but instead simply just being. Letting whatever happens happen. This will be difficult. Apparently I think my fate is in my hands & I suppose most of the time it is. But at the same time…sometimes I just have to be & let life happen. And hopefully this time I won’t cry nearly as much as I did last time when I left. That was embarrassing. Haha. But I do miss it. I miss continual friendship & encouragement. I miss parties. I miss life.
Ochem is over. I passed. Praise Him. Now the time has officially come. The next phase in life. I am scared to death. What do I want? What do I do? I have no idea. I’ve never felt so lost in all my life. Only time will tell I suppose.
Time.
Something that I never want to wish away.
Something that I never want to kill.
Because we have so little of it.
Time is all we’ve got.
I’ve been wondering all day what I would do if I wasn’t so afraid. I’ve put so many limitations on myself. It’s time. Time to let go. Time to change. Time to move on. Maybe will be difficult but that’s life. and it’s beautiful.
Goodnight lovers.
september 20
Is it really September 20th? I am in complete denial…with Christmas just around the corner & fall on its way. crazy. I love summer, but as with everything…life brings around change. Leaves changing colors. Cooler weather. As much as I despise cold weather, it will be nice to finally bundle up in warm blankets & sip on hot tea I suppose. It’s thundering right now as I type this. I’m a huge fan of thunderstorms. Only at night though. And I love falling asleep to the sound of rain. What I would love even more is a tin roof. Speaking of changes. Thursday I take my final exam. I thought the day would never come. Now the majority of my time has been spent thinking about & studying for the test that I have to make a 56 on in order to pass. Sounds easy enough right? Yeah well…it’s harder than you might think. But I will not give up. I will never give up. When it is finished what a relief that will be! I can’t even describe.
To fill you in on other things…last week was virtually hell. Just be glad I didn’t blog on last week. After the week was over, I felt indescribably unlady like & finally broke down. I’m now not afraid to admit that I do in fact need a swear jar. I used to be so good about that…now…not so much. Ok maybe I’m not that bad. I just need it in angry situations. I’m just very glad that a new week has arrived. Another chance to get things right. To start over new. Thank God for new beginnings.
I really don’t have a lot to say at the moment. I’m ready to take a deep breath on Thursday for the first time in 10 weeks. Maybe give myself a little time to pull myself back together. Sort things out. Life has been really crazy, confusing & stressful lately. I know that I need some time in order to make some important life decisions. Decision making is definitely not one of my most favorite things, but I know that it must be done. I never want to not be moving forward.
My mind has been a little cloudy & my heart a little bruised & tattered. But with all things…I am sure I will sort things out with time. The journey through the wilderness alone hasn’t been easy by any means, but I am certain I will make it out.
To fill you in on other things…last week was virtually hell. Just be glad I didn’t blog on last week. After the week was over, I felt indescribably unlady like & finally broke down. I’m now not afraid to admit that I do in fact need a swear jar. I used to be so good about that…now…not so much. Ok maybe I’m not that bad. I just need it in angry situations. I’m just very glad that a new week has arrived. Another chance to get things right. To start over new. Thank God for new beginnings.
I really don’t have a lot to say at the moment. I’m ready to take a deep breath on Thursday for the first time in 10 weeks. Maybe give myself a little time to pull myself back together. Sort things out. Life has been really crazy, confusing & stressful lately. I know that I need some time in order to make some important life decisions. Decision making is definitely not one of my most favorite things, but I know that it must be done. I never want to not be moving forward.
My mind has been a little cloudy & my heart a little bruised & tattered. But with all things…I am sure I will sort things out with time. The journey through the wilderness alone hasn’t been easy by any means, but I am certain I will make it out.
Monday, October 26, 2009
florida
here i am. home. florida. friends. sun. i love this. i love life.
jesus keeps whispering that He loves me in my ear.
he keeps showing me through the lives of my friends (i.e.family) here that he loves me.
it is a good feeling resting in the peace of Jesus.
jesus keeps whispering that He loves me in my ear.
he keeps showing me through the lives of my friends (i.e.family) here that he loves me.
it is a good feeling resting in the peace of Jesus.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
dreams
i have been dreaming more clearly now than i have in quite a while. it feels good. my heart is starting to reinvent & return to the purity i once obtained. i don't know what life holds for me. i don't know what my next move will be. however...i feel confident of my calling. (isaiah 41) this keeps echoing in my heart. i will change the world. make a difference in my own surroundings. and those outside of it. i will start a revolution. continue dreaming. because a visionary...that is what i am. and what i will always be. but dreams are useless without action. we must learn to be...i must learn to be a person of action. that is my next move.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
gratitude
I am so thankful to have a family & friends that believe in me even when I don't believe in myself.
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