can i just say

sheesh today was a "toughy".

i don't even really know what i want to say. just being real here. despite the fact that i am an amazing pretender, i AM allowed to be real every once in a while. i feel like i may have almost perfected being a pretender. and i feel like i learned it from the church when i was younger. sadly. ouch. that was painful....not that i'm entirely blaming it on that.

i am insecure & broken beyond measure. due to the hurts of life, i have learned to not trust people. i have learned not to let the "real me" show in fear that vulnerability will leave me open & able to get hurt again. i, despite what you may think, am a fun girl. but no one ever seems to stick around long enough to find that out. every time i have loved, i have held nothing back. leaving my heart wide open. perhaps that is why it hurts so much. just when i decide i will no longer let anyone in, i of course do. simply because i love people. Jesus was ridiculed beyond comprehension, yet He left His heart wide open. Jesus make me like You.

Jesus & i went on a little walk and drive together tonight. just a short one. i found myself once again questioning my calling. when all along, i know exactly what it is, yet i wonder why it leaves me feeling so alone & empty. though i know that He is always with me, will i ever simply learn to be content with that?

or will i continue in my ways?
will i continue looking for approval from boys...from teachers...from friends?
how much longer until i realized that approval is not found in the eyes of man?
that approval is found in the eyes of my Father. and approval is what He has already given me.

although i have been given the wonderful gift of the "sensitivity of heart," many times i truly believe that that is what makes me so susceptible to heartbreaks. i value people so much that when they hurt, i hurt.

i took a deep breath.
Jesus whispers in my ear.
"you are not alone" He tells me.
"but why do i feel so, Jesus?"


the life that i have lived has not been an easy one. i mean not particularly difficult as compared to most, but still life has its share of pains as you will agree.

i feel like God has called me to such a high standard of living. to the point where sometimes i wonder why i am continuing in this. tonight i questioned once again why i live my life the way that i do. pouring pouring into other people. expecting nothing in return. separating myself from the things of the world. so that i can fully trust Him.

i remember someone said this once..."the greater the calling, the greater the preparation." i truly believe this. all i have to say is that i have one heck of a calling. not even kidding.

i miss my prince charming.
today especially.
some days are worse than others.
22 years.
i'm still waiting for Him to ride in & save me.
to call me His own.
to take a chance on me.


the other day i saw some beautiful spanish children playing. for a split second, i saw myself standing barefoot on a wide open dirt field watching them play...in their homeland. loving them. spending my life with them.

i prayed for my children today. haha. i don't have children. yet. but one day i will. love that. oh man. i really love that. i want to be a mother that loves my husband & loves others selflessly, that my children may see Jesus.

as uneasy as i am graduating in 5 days, this is something that i am looking forward to.

in the meantime. i will wait. as difficult as it is. this is my oath.

i will wait.




i have never loved someone that i haven't met, more than the one that God is preparing my heart for.