I want to drop all of my defenses. The expectations that I have put on people. On myself. Drop all of my defenses at Your feet. I’ve had so much to say lately but I haven’t had the time to say it. the words to say it in. I have felt so contradictory recently. Amusingly content, yet painfully discontent. I have found myself between two extremes of which I feel as though I can not escape. The joyfulness that one phase of my life is virtually finished and the fear that the next on is about to begin. The tugging on my heart is like nothing I’ve ever felt. The uncertainty creeps in like an every rushing tide. The relationships I have been so blessed with. yet the cynicism that they will not last. To rid myself of this skepticism is an ongoing battle with me. learning to open myself to the world, to the life of another. Learning to be vulnerable even if it means enduring the pain of losing. I am not afraid of what others think of me. I am not afraid to love. And I’m not even afraid to lose. To take a hit every now and again. I am prepared to take the pain in order to find Beauty. Beauty I will find. And Beauty I will obtain. Through the eyes of the One who makes me beautiful. who stands before me with arms wide open. To Him I owe my life. everything that I am. Everything that I am becoming. TRUST…a word that I am learning to take hold of once again. I have lived too much of my life in utter fear & doubt. I’ve felt like such a failure in my spiritual life lately. God, sometimes I wonder what in the heck I’m doing. I can’t do this on my own, but most of the time I’m living life as though I am alone. Why is that? Why is it that I run? I run. And I run. Then after I run so far I realize what I have lost along the way. Yet You stay. You hold me. if I have to be completely honest, my biggest fear is failure. My biggest fear is that I will run unknowingly so far away & I will forget to run back into Your arms. You’re grace…sustains me. You’re mercy is an oil poured out over my head. You’re love…a constant stream. Never failing to wash away the bitterness of my cold heart. I hear You speaking. The subtle whispers. In the warmth of the sun. In the still moments. You…my Hope.
“if You’re grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.”
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Friday, February 20, 2009
Thursday, February 12, 2009
he's just not that into you
i am going to see this movie with one of my roomies this weekend.
what's hilarious about it is that my mom called me yesterday telling me that she thinks i need to go see this movie. she hasn't seen it, but she just knows me really well. i am trying not to take offense to this. haha.
listen...i'm a good ol' southern classy girl. i'm all about the guy making the first move. but if i don't feel like we're going anywhere, i'm not afraid to say what i'm thinking.
she's probably right. i tend to "jump the gun" a little bit i should probably see that movie.
after that, i may never speak to one of the male species for the rest of my life. haha.
what's hilarious about it is that my mom called me yesterday telling me that she thinks i need to go see this movie. she hasn't seen it, but she just knows me really well. i am trying not to take offense to this. haha.
listen...i'm a good ol' southern classy girl. i'm all about the guy making the first move. but if i don't feel like we're going anywhere, i'm not afraid to say what i'm thinking.
she's probably right. i tend to "jump the gun" a little bit i should probably see that movie.
after that, i may never speak to one of the male species for the rest of my life. haha.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
words
Simplicity:
I have grown to love this word. To reach for the simple things in life, has brought me the most happiness. A slight breeze. A pretty glance. A small flower. A friendly smile. An intellectual conversation. A white picket fence.
Modesty:
One word I’ve managed to fight for…for the past 22 years. Something that is so easily overlooked. A word that most people have no idea what the definition is, much less what it looks like.
Love:
The reason I breath. The reason to live. To pursue dreams. To fight for one another. The ironic thing is that the lovely things in my life are the ones that most often take my breath away.
Friendship:
On a word that I will never take for granted. For the people in life that can truly be called friends are few and far between. But that’s of course what makes them so special.
Laughter:
A outward expression of an inward feeling. An uninhibited way of saying…JOY belongs here. Of saying that life has a meaning. And that life does not go unnoticed.
Brokenness:
Something that I have become accustomed to. Which has strangely become uncomfortably comfortable.
Imperfection:
The life that I live. And the life that I love to live. With mistakes too numerous to fix. But the will to learn. To keep moving. To aspire for more.
I have grown to love this word. To reach for the simple things in life, has brought me the most happiness. A slight breeze. A pretty glance. A small flower. A friendly smile. An intellectual conversation. A white picket fence.
Modesty:
One word I’ve managed to fight for…for the past 22 years. Something that is so easily overlooked. A word that most people have no idea what the definition is, much less what it looks like.
Love:
The reason I breath. The reason to live. To pursue dreams. To fight for one another. The ironic thing is that the lovely things in my life are the ones that most often take my breath away.
Friendship:
On a word that I will never take for granted. For the people in life that can truly be called friends are few and far between. But that’s of course what makes them so special.
Laughter:
A outward expression of an inward feeling. An uninhibited way of saying…JOY belongs here. Of saying that life has a meaning. And that life does not go unnoticed.
Brokenness:
Something that I have become accustomed to. Which has strangely become uncomfortably comfortable.
Imperfection:
The life that I live. And the life that I love to live. With mistakes too numerous to fix. But the will to learn. To keep moving. To aspire for more.
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