april 7

Hello there. It’s me again. I keep giving up writing for other things. I wish it didn’t have to be that way. Life has been so busy. I like business. It keeps me out of trouble. Mostly. But sometimes its nice to slow down. There have been so many occasions this week where I wanted to speak to you. You being the one reading this. Whoever you are. The not knowing makes it all the more exciting. But as always…the second I sit down I’ve forgotten everything I wanted to share with you.

Time has this funny way of continuing on. Without regard to my plan. Here I am. Almost mid april. And most likely headed back to the Sunshine state mid may. It seems oh too surreal. I don’t know where life is taking me. & as usual, it scares me out of my wits. But at the same time, I’m intrepid. I must carry on. Adventure calls me.

Relationships have seemed to be the topic of the day. Or month. Or maybe even year. Perhaps it is because I am getting older. Many of my friends are getting married. Are about to get married. Or want to get married. The older I get, the more I realize, I have no answers. Don’t get me wrong. I definitely want to get married at some point. & have kids at some point. But it’s not my #1 dream like almost every other girl I know. I spend a bit of time talking with one of my boy friends about relationships. Specifically love relationships. We both converse on the difficulty of commitment. The failed attempts at love. The impatience of waiting for something that may never come. The confusion that sometimes comes along with it. The hurt we have dealt with in our own lives. I have enjoyed spending this time discussing this with him for more than one reason, but mainly because our relationship is strictly platonic. I value that in our openness & honesty, we can remain friends. Ask each other for advice. Without questioning each other about our motives. Pushing our relationship farther. It’s quite refreshing.

Speaking of relationships. Julie Roberts song “rain on a tin roof” is on replay as I write this post right now. Everything about it reminds me of you. & of me. & our relationship is anything but plutonic I’m afraid. I am so torn as to what to do. My heart knows. But my head tells me different. It’s hard to make a move when both of those things are telling me different. But I miss you. Sometimes I’m not quite sure why. But I do. I miss your blue eyes. Your hand in mine. I miss watching you sleep as I pretend to. Walks through a moonlit sky. You hand on my waist pulling me closer. The cool night air. And your smile. This is the here & now. Or at least the here & now when we are together. & when I go away…you never come after me. I shouldn’t have to ask you to come after me. But I can’t forget about you. Loving you scares me the most. But the fear never keeps me from loving you.

I’m the most stubborn person I’ve ever known. I’m not even sure how I got that way. In some ways I think stubbornness is good. Being stubborn is being unwilling to compromise. The most annoying thing in my life I feel is when people tell me who to be. Who to love. What to do. In fact 99% of the time, if you tell me to do something, I’m going to do the exact opposite. I don’t like taking orders or people who think they know what’s best for me & they really don’t. I do, however, generally listen to my parents. Everyone else…not so much. You say stay. I run. You say no. I say yes. You say down. I say up. Well…you get the idea. The idea of being forced into a life that I don’t want is what scares me the most. I watch people get married. Because there’s nothing else to do. I watch them start dating people they don’t even like because they get bored. Of course, I get bored too. Every other second I get bored. But I tend to take my boredness to other levels. I’m more likely to move away to another state. Go bunji jumping. Or kiss a stranger. My life has taken independence to a whole new level. I’m sure things will change as I continue to grow up but my next boyfriends gonna have a piece of work. The truth is…I like where I am. I’m in no rush. I don’t need anyone telling me how to live my life. When I live my life, I live it for me. I will be who I am. I’m not afraid to change my flaws. But I refuse to be something I’m not. Society tells me to get an education, marry, get a job, have kids, get rich, buy a bunch of stuff, have surgery to improve my imperfections. Society tells me I’m not good enough. My hips aren’t small enough. My boobs aren’t big enough. Society tells me I’m too young & inexperienced. Society tells me that I am most likely to have a failed marriage. Society will dictate who we are on a daily basis if we in fact do not know who we are. I will not be a statistic. I will learn to love myself the way that I am. & one day. One day. Someone will love me for me. & my 7 billion imperfections. Because that’s just about how many I have.



i don't really think any of that is what i wanted to say. but i'm exhausted. i don't even make sense to myself right now.


cheers. love you.


(two jumps in a week. i bet you think thats pretty clever dont you boy. flying on your motorcycle. watching all the ground beneath you drop. youd kill yourself for recognition. kill yourself to never ever stop. you broke another mirror. youre turning into something you are not. dont leave me high. dont leave me dry. its the best thing that youve ever had. the best thing youve had has gone away -radiohead)

I've been writing but haven't had the chance to upload! :) will try soon. (So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go -john denver)

hear me

*side note: the beautiful photos belong to my favorite photographer. parker young.* (i secretly spend hours at a time. looking at his work.)


beauty is everywhere.

& when i get my new camera.
expect to never see me without it.

-----------------------------



i have so much to say. always.
i have amazing friends.
ones that make me incandescently happy.
an amazing family.
that never leaves my side.
an amazing God.
amazing is an understatment.
how could words possibly describe.
all 3 of which love me.
tremendously.
even when i don't deserve it.
i never deserve it.
but that's what makes it beautiful.
i love my life.
i love that i love.
& that i am loved.
i love that when i can't take anymore.
someone wraps me in their warm arms.
lets me cry on their shoulder.
& holds me until the uncertainty.
& the fear vanishes.
i love sacrifice.
duty.
honor.
responsibility.
i hate goodbyes.
but love the anticipation.
of meeting your eyes again.
hope.
i am hopeful.
that i am one day closer.
to seeing your smile.
my heart aches.
but my soul rejoices.
the tears that i cry.
aren't tears of surrender.
they're the tears.
of a fighter.
of a long awaited battle.
i stand on the mountain top.
sword in hand.
they are my cries of victory.
my eyes are wide awake.
dreaming.
of you.
of me.
of us.
no regrets.
no looking back.
nothing left unsaid.
heart strings.
that will never be cut.
tangled.
broken.
or knotted.
tied together.
so tightly.
that you & i will never be apart.
for my heart beats in rhythm with yours.
& yours with mine.
we lie under the same stars.
& look up at the same sky.
the same sun shining on our faces.
the distance from me.
to where you are.
seems less far.
not a day passes.
where i do not think of you.



thank you.
for loving me.
for your courage.
making me strong.



i am brave.
because you are brave.

when he's gone...

•when he's yours. he brings the sunshine. when he's gone the world goes dark. he's heaven on the eyes. but he's hell on the heart•

thanks apple :)

"Here's to the crazy ones. The rebels. The troublemakers. The ones who see things differently. While some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones who do."

set fire to the third bar

I find the map and draw a straight line
Over rivers, farms, and state lines
The distance from here to where you'd be
It's only finger-lengths that I see
I touch the place where I'd find your face
My fingers in creases of distant dark places

I hang my coat up in the first bar
There is no peace that I've felt so far
The laughter penetrates my silence
As drunken men find flaws in science

Their words mostly noises
Ghosts with just voices
Your words in my memory
Are like music to me

I'm miles from where you are
I lay down on the cold ground
I pray that something picks me up
And sets me down in your warm arms

After I have travelled so far
We'd set the fire to the third bar
We'd share each other like an island
Until exhausted, close our eyelids
And dreaming pick up from
The last place we left off
Your soft skin is weeping
A joy you can't keep it

I'm miles from where you are
I lay down on the cold ground
And I pray that something picks me up
And sets me down in your warm arms

I'm miles from where you are
I lay down on the cold ground
I pray that something picks me up
And sets me down in your warm arms

breathe me

i'm too tired to write. i have much to say. but for now. all i have is a lack of originality. & a tired heart. no substance left for now. i'll let sia say it for me:






Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
I hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch

I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me