Well. Here I am. I always find myself here in this same place. Broken. Lost. & in need of You.
Change is in the air. Everywhere I look. The seasons are changing. Things are in transition. An intrinsic shift. This is expected. But there are simply things now that I am anticipating will change very quickly, as they have already. I’m just not quite so sure I’m completely ready to say goodbye to these things. These people specifically. These shifts in time are always exciting. They mean something greater is on the horizon. Though there are greater things right around the corner. New & exciting things. It doesn’t make it any less scary. Or any less uncomfortable. The things/people that I am blessed with at this current state in my life. I will slowly but surely begin to miss. I will go on to meet new people. And experience new places. But the people that are so close to my heart now will never not be close to my heart. they have made me who I am today. And for that. Eternal gratitude.
Yesterday, I received in the smallest amount some encouragement from a friend that I hadn’t seen or hardly talked to in over a year. the simplest acts mean the most. Perhaps this is why I have learned to wear my heart on my sleeve. I have learned that the simplest words mean the most to me, therefore, speaking what I am thinking into the lives of other people has been an integral, revolutionary part of my life.
Sometimes there is that initial regret. To where I say something, & then wonder if I was being too forward. But I am slowly learning to get over that. All that I know is that I was called to Love.
….and Love is Bold.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Saturday, April 10, 2010
april 7
Hello there. It’s me again. I keep giving up writing for other things. I wish it didn’t have to be that way. Life has been so busy. I like business. It keeps me out of trouble. Mostly. But sometimes its nice to slow down. There have been so many occasions this week where I wanted to speak to you. You being the one reading this. Whoever you are. The not knowing makes it all the more exciting. But as always…the second I sit down I’ve forgotten everything I wanted to share with you.
Time has this funny way of continuing on. Without regard to my plan. Here I am. Almost mid april. And most likely headed back to the Sunshine state mid may. It seems oh too surreal. I don’t know where life is taking me. & as usual, it scares me out of my wits. But at the same time, I’m intrepid. I must carry on. Adventure calls me.
Relationships have seemed to be the topic of the day. Or month. Or maybe even year. Perhaps it is because I am getting older. Many of my friends are getting married. Are about to get married. Or want to get married. The older I get, the more I realize, I have no answers. Don’t get me wrong. I definitely want to get married at some point. & have kids at some point. But it’s not my #1 dream like almost every other girl I know. I spend a bit of time talking with one of my boy friends about relationships. Specifically love relationships. We both converse on the difficulty of commitment. The failed attempts at love. The impatience of waiting for something that may never come. The confusion that sometimes comes along with it. The hurt we have dealt with in our own lives. I have enjoyed spending this time discussing this with him for more than one reason, but mainly because our relationship is strictly platonic. I value that in our openness & honesty, we can remain friends. Ask each other for advice. Without questioning each other about our motives. Pushing our relationship farther. It’s quite refreshing.
Speaking of relationships. Julie Roberts song “rain on a tin roof” is on replay as I write this post right now. Everything about it reminds me of you. & of me. & our relationship is anything but plutonic I’m afraid. I am so torn as to what to do. My heart knows. But my head tells me different. It’s hard to make a move when both of those things are telling me different. But I miss you. Sometimes I’m not quite sure why. But I do. I miss your blue eyes. Your hand in mine. I miss watching you sleep as I pretend to. Walks through a moonlit sky. You hand on my waist pulling me closer. The cool night air. And your smile. This is the here & now. Or at least the here & now when we are together. & when I go away…you never come after me. I shouldn’t have to ask you to come after me. But I can’t forget about you. Loving you scares me the most. But the fear never keeps me from loving you.
I’m the most stubborn person I’ve ever known. I’m not even sure how I got that way. In some ways I think stubbornness is good. Being stubborn is being unwilling to compromise. The most annoying thing in my life I feel is when people tell me who to be. Who to love. What to do. In fact 99% of the time, if you tell me to do something, I’m going to do the exact opposite. I don’t like taking orders or people who think they know what’s best for me & they really don’t. I do, however, generally listen to my parents. Everyone else…not so much. You say stay. I run. You say no. I say yes. You say down. I say up. Well…you get the idea. The idea of being forced into a life that I don’t want is what scares me the most. I watch people get married. Because there’s nothing else to do. I watch them start dating people they don’t even like because they get bored. Of course, I get bored too. Every other second I get bored. But I tend to take my boredness to other levels. I’m more likely to move away to another state. Go bunji jumping. Or kiss a stranger. My life has taken independence to a whole new level. I’m sure things will change as I continue to grow up but my next boyfriends gonna have a piece of work. The truth is…I like where I am. I’m in no rush. I don’t need anyone telling me how to live my life. When I live my life, I live it for me. I will be who I am. I’m not afraid to change my flaws. But I refuse to be something I’m not. Society tells me to get an education, marry, get a job, have kids, get rich, buy a bunch of stuff, have surgery to improve my imperfections. Society tells me I’m not good enough. My hips aren’t small enough. My boobs aren’t big enough. Society tells me I’m too young & inexperienced. Society tells me that I am most likely to have a failed marriage. Society will dictate who we are on a daily basis if we in fact do not know who we are. I will not be a statistic. I will learn to love myself the way that I am. & one day. One day. Someone will love me for me. & my 7 billion imperfections. Because that’s just about how many I have.
i don't really think any of that is what i wanted to say. but i'm exhausted. i don't even make sense to myself right now.
cheers. love you.
(two jumps in a week. i bet you think thats pretty clever dont you boy. flying on your motorcycle. watching all the ground beneath you drop. youd kill yourself for recognition. kill yourself to never ever stop. you broke another mirror. youre turning into something you are not. dont leave me high. dont leave me dry. its the best thing that youve ever had. the best thing youve had has gone away -radiohead)
Time has this funny way of continuing on. Without regard to my plan. Here I am. Almost mid april. And most likely headed back to the Sunshine state mid may. It seems oh too surreal. I don’t know where life is taking me. & as usual, it scares me out of my wits. But at the same time, I’m intrepid. I must carry on. Adventure calls me.
Relationships have seemed to be the topic of the day. Or month. Or maybe even year. Perhaps it is because I am getting older. Many of my friends are getting married. Are about to get married. Or want to get married. The older I get, the more I realize, I have no answers. Don’t get me wrong. I definitely want to get married at some point. & have kids at some point. But it’s not my #1 dream like almost every other girl I know. I spend a bit of time talking with one of my boy friends about relationships. Specifically love relationships. We both converse on the difficulty of commitment. The failed attempts at love. The impatience of waiting for something that may never come. The confusion that sometimes comes along with it. The hurt we have dealt with in our own lives. I have enjoyed spending this time discussing this with him for more than one reason, but mainly because our relationship is strictly platonic. I value that in our openness & honesty, we can remain friends. Ask each other for advice. Without questioning each other about our motives. Pushing our relationship farther. It’s quite refreshing.
Speaking of relationships. Julie Roberts song “rain on a tin roof” is on replay as I write this post right now. Everything about it reminds me of you. & of me. & our relationship is anything but plutonic I’m afraid. I am so torn as to what to do. My heart knows. But my head tells me different. It’s hard to make a move when both of those things are telling me different. But I miss you. Sometimes I’m not quite sure why. But I do. I miss your blue eyes. Your hand in mine. I miss watching you sleep as I pretend to. Walks through a moonlit sky. You hand on my waist pulling me closer. The cool night air. And your smile. This is the here & now. Or at least the here & now when we are together. & when I go away…you never come after me. I shouldn’t have to ask you to come after me. But I can’t forget about you. Loving you scares me the most. But the fear never keeps me from loving you.
I’m the most stubborn person I’ve ever known. I’m not even sure how I got that way. In some ways I think stubbornness is good. Being stubborn is being unwilling to compromise. The most annoying thing in my life I feel is when people tell me who to be. Who to love. What to do. In fact 99% of the time, if you tell me to do something, I’m going to do the exact opposite. I don’t like taking orders or people who think they know what’s best for me & they really don’t. I do, however, generally listen to my parents. Everyone else…not so much. You say stay. I run. You say no. I say yes. You say down. I say up. Well…you get the idea. The idea of being forced into a life that I don’t want is what scares me the most. I watch people get married. Because there’s nothing else to do. I watch them start dating people they don’t even like because they get bored. Of course, I get bored too. Every other second I get bored. But I tend to take my boredness to other levels. I’m more likely to move away to another state. Go bunji jumping. Or kiss a stranger. My life has taken independence to a whole new level. I’m sure things will change as I continue to grow up but my next boyfriends gonna have a piece of work. The truth is…I like where I am. I’m in no rush. I don’t need anyone telling me how to live my life. When I live my life, I live it for me. I will be who I am. I’m not afraid to change my flaws. But I refuse to be something I’m not. Society tells me to get an education, marry, get a job, have kids, get rich, buy a bunch of stuff, have surgery to improve my imperfections. Society tells me I’m not good enough. My hips aren’t small enough. My boobs aren’t big enough. Society tells me I’m too young & inexperienced. Society tells me that I am most likely to have a failed marriage. Society will dictate who we are on a daily basis if we in fact do not know who we are. I will not be a statistic. I will learn to love myself the way that I am. & one day. One day. Someone will love me for me. & my 7 billion imperfections. Because that’s just about how many I have.
i don't really think any of that is what i wanted to say. but i'm exhausted. i don't even make sense to myself right now.
cheers. love you.
(two jumps in a week. i bet you think thats pretty clever dont you boy. flying on your motorcycle. watching all the ground beneath you drop. youd kill yourself for recognition. kill yourself to never ever stop. you broke another mirror. youre turning into something you are not. dont leave me high. dont leave me dry. its the best thing that youve ever had. the best thing youve had has gone away -radiohead)
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