3 days

...i am already feeling semi-nauseous about it.

i can't concentrate for the life of anything.
massive headache.
2 finals tomorrow.
not ready.

for finals.
or
for goodbye.

i HATE goodbyes with a burning passion.
my heart already hurts & i haven't even gone anywhere yet...


you wanna know what really annoys me? that my profile views goes up like once a month by intervals of several hundred...

can i just say

sheesh today was a "toughy".

i don't even really know what i want to say. just being real here. despite the fact that i am an amazing pretender, i AM allowed to be real every once in a while. i feel like i may have almost perfected being a pretender. and i feel like i learned it from the church when i was younger. sadly. ouch. that was painful....not that i'm entirely blaming it on that.

i am insecure & broken beyond measure. due to the hurts of life, i have learned to not trust people. i have learned not to let the "real me" show in fear that vulnerability will leave me open & able to get hurt again. i, despite what you may think, am a fun girl. but no one ever seems to stick around long enough to find that out. every time i have loved, i have held nothing back. leaving my heart wide open. perhaps that is why it hurts so much. just when i decide i will no longer let anyone in, i of course do. simply because i love people. Jesus was ridiculed beyond comprehension, yet He left His heart wide open. Jesus make me like You.

Jesus & i went on a little walk and drive together tonight. just a short one. i found myself once again questioning my calling. when all along, i know exactly what it is, yet i wonder why it leaves me feeling so alone & empty. though i know that He is always with me, will i ever simply learn to be content with that?

or will i continue in my ways?
will i continue looking for approval from boys...from teachers...from friends?
how much longer until i realized that approval is not found in the eyes of man?
that approval is found in the eyes of my Father. and approval is what He has already given me.

although i have been given the wonderful gift of the "sensitivity of heart," many times i truly believe that that is what makes me so susceptible to heartbreaks. i value people so much that when they hurt, i hurt.

i took a deep breath.
Jesus whispers in my ear.
"you are not alone" He tells me.
"but why do i feel so, Jesus?"


the life that i have lived has not been an easy one. i mean not particularly difficult as compared to most, but still life has its share of pains as you will agree.

i feel like God has called me to such a high standard of living. to the point where sometimes i wonder why i am continuing in this. tonight i questioned once again why i live my life the way that i do. pouring pouring into other people. expecting nothing in return. separating myself from the things of the world. so that i can fully trust Him.

i remember someone said this once..."the greater the calling, the greater the preparation." i truly believe this. all i have to say is that i have one heck of a calling. not even kidding.

i miss my prince charming.
today especially.
some days are worse than others.
22 years.
i'm still waiting for Him to ride in & save me.
to call me His own.
to take a chance on me.


the other day i saw some beautiful spanish children playing. for a split second, i saw myself standing barefoot on a wide open dirt field watching them play...in their homeland. loving them. spending my life with them.

i prayed for my children today. haha. i don't have children. yet. but one day i will. love that. oh man. i really love that. i want to be a mother that loves my husband & loves others selflessly, that my children may see Jesus.

as uneasy as i am graduating in 5 days, this is something that i am looking forward to.

in the meantime. i will wait. as difficult as it is. this is my oath.

i will wait.




i have never loved someone that i haven't met, more than the one that God is preparing my heart for.

beauty

this will make you think twice. at least i did.

revolution

i can hear the sounds of it now. the stirrings in my heart for justice. for change.

here i am Jesus

The Lord actually gave me this verse many years ago. This is my "life" verse. I honestly feel like this is the call that the Lord has put on my life. He has promised this to me. I'll never forget it. I was sitting in a CVS parking lot. Haha. He speaks to me everywhere. All I have to do is be still and listen.



Isaiah 61:1-3


The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
because the LORD has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners, ^[a]

² to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,

³ and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called mighty oaks,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor.

send me.




"when we forsake the lives of others, we actually forsake our own."

♥

If to distant lands I scatter
If I sail to farthest seas
Would you find and firm and gather
'til I only dwell in Thee?

If I flee from greenest pastures
Would you leave to look for me?
Forfeit glory to come after
'Til I only dwell in Thee

If my heart has one ambition
If my soul one goal to seek
This my solitary vision
'til I only dwell in Thee
That I only dwell in Thee
'Til I only dwell in Thee

-brooke fraser

right now

i would like to lay on the bed of a truck,
under a blanket of stars.
keith urban on the radio.
and

y

o

u

by my side.




"if we never meet again in our lives, i should feel that somehow the whole adventure of existence was justified by my having met you."