be.loved.

happy almost valentines day

2012-02-13T22:17:00.002-05:00

{Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for LOVE is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame. Many waters cannot quench LOVE; rivers cannot sweep it away. songofsolomon8:6-7} ♥

there's this guy who must be 80. he comes into my moms work. he recently finished writing a book...about his wife who passed away not to long ago. in his book contain portions of her diary. most of which were love letters from other guys throughout her life prior to their marriage. needless to say, with that many suitors she must have been one heck of a woman. all that to say...i guess love really does exist. i mean real love. the kind of love...that makes someone write a story about it. the kind that makes someone write a good old fashioned love letter declaring undying love. the kind of love that doesn't take the easy way out.

that's the kind of love i look for. the kind of love i strive to be. i hope you do too.

i intend to read his book. which is currently unpublished & is simply loose copies of copy paper. with photos & on the front cover...a picture. of his love.

when i am finished, i imagine the wisdom of this man will shatter any recollection of what i thought love was.

so go.

love.

& hold nothing back.

look...

2012-02-12T19:11:00.001-05:00

we need to talk.

it's 2012 & i haven't made a second for you.

(maybe tomorrow...)

life makes love look hard

2011-12-08T14:57:00.002-05:00

restoration

2011-12-07T23:21:00.003-05:00

i have so much to say. the Lord has been speaking to me so much lately. there's so much i want to say yet i don't exactly know how. not that i don't know how but there's this overabundance of things i need to say & things that i have been learning. i guess i can say i am completely & utterly amazed at the restoration of my God.

restoration is sort of a word He's been speaking to me for years now. perhaps because i need so much of it. so much of Him. it's something i have been praying for for years in my own life & with my own bruised & tattered heart.

i recently heard shelly lubben tell her testimony. her testimony of her life in detail as an ex porn star & i felt floored. i debated whether to put it up due to it's descriptiveness & finally have decided not to for perhaps some discretion with younger readers. if it is of any interest to you, you can listen to it on youre own.

not to any surprise that my God is (Eph. 3:20) able to do exceedingly more than we could ask or imagine. His grace us this blanket that covers us & His forgiveness astounds me.

theres so much i want to say. so many things in my life have been coming up lately centered around this theme. but my brain is unorganized. perhaps i can get something together & express myself better later.

.love always.

2011 in review

2011-12-05T09:53:00.000-05:00

http://yearinreview.yahoo.com/2011/blog/1263/inspiring-video/

this ones for the brokenhearted

2011-12-04T19:00:00.002-05:00

if only everyone was this vulnerable.

he's such a little cutie too!

why can't we all just learn to...

love.

2011-10-24T19:00:00.003-04:00

“This is your life. Do what you love, and do it often. If you don’t like something, change it. If you don’t like your job, quit. If you don’t have enough time, stop watching TV. If you are looking for the love of your life, stop; they will be waiting for you when you start doing things you love. Stop over analyzing, life is simple. All emotions are beautiful. When you eat, appreciate every last bite. Open your mind, arms, and heart to new things and people, we are united in our differences. Ask the next person you see what their passion is, and share your inspiring dream with them. Travel often; getting lost will help you find yourself. Some opportunities only come once; seize them. Life is about the people you meet and the things you create with them, so go out and start creating. Live your dream, and wear your passion. Life is short.”

love me some ry adams:

Jesus help

2011-10-21T14:42:00.002-04:00

me say and
do the right thing.

my favorite

2011-10-13T15:11:00.001-04:00

2011-09-23T20:32:00.002-04:00

“In all the world, there is no heart for me like yours.
In all the world, there is no love for you like mine.”
― Maya Angelou

grace

2011-09-23T20:00:00.004-04:00

i am so amazed at the faithfulness of my God. i truly am. i screw up day after day after day after day after day....& He still loves me. He still takes care of me. hears my prayers...& my cries for help. for desperation. He has sent me so many wonderful people. friends who have made me reach for more. friends who have made me never quit. & ones that have stuck around letting me know i'm not alone in my fight. i am so excited for the things that are coming. i'm excited to be at passion city church. i guess i didn't realize how dry my soul was until i finally went back to church. several years without it and without people surrounding me that were chasing after the things of God & not the things of this world makes all of the difference to me. i can't tell you the amount of freedom i have found in my God. sometimes there is nothing left to do but stand with outstretched arms in awe. i really can't tell you how liberating it is to dance around in abandonment. uninhibited. for this life is truly not my own. getting to that point of setting down my pride and laying aside my life for the things of the Kingdom is not an easy task. learning to be wrecked of my life is frightening quite frankly. learning to be still & listen for the voice of my Father isn't easy. especially when having to let go of things in my life that i've clung so tightly to. but my dreams are within reach. the time is coming. i can feel it. it's been contagious these past few months. & i'm ready. i'm ready for what is coming next.

God's grace is unending.
& thank God...literally.
because i need grace more than everyone i think.

love always.

2011-09-07T21:20:00.001-04:00

2011-09-03T22:17:00.003-04:00

thank you scotty mccreery

2011-08-25T17:14:00.004-04:00

I know I'm still young
But, I know how I feel
I might not have too much experience
But, I know when love is real.

By the way my heart starts pounding
When I look into your eyes
I might look a little silly
Standing with my arms stretched open wide.

I love you this big
Eyes have never seen... this big
No-one's ever dreamed... this big
And I'll spend the rest of my life
Explaining what words cannot describe but, I'll try
I love you this big

I'll love you to the moon and back
I'll love you all the time
Deeper than the ocean
And higher than the pines.

Cause girl, you do something to me
Deep down in my heart
I know I look a little crazy
Standing with my arms stretched all apart.

I love you this big
Eyes have never seen... this big
No-one's ever dreamed... this big
And I'll spend the rest of my life
Explaining what words cannot describe but, I'll try
I love you this big

So much bigger than I ever dreamed my heart ever would
I love you this big
And I'd write your name in stars across the sky
If I could, I would

I love you this big
Oh, eyes have never seen... this big
No-one's ever dreamed... this big
And I'll spend the rest of my life
Explaining what words cannot describe but, I'll try
I love you this big

I love you this big
Oh, eyes have never seen... this big
No-one's ever dreamed... this big
And I'll spend the rest of my life
Explaining what words cannot describe but, I'll try
I love you this big

http://youtu.be/ZVq8nEHCKd4

you'll be in my dreams tonight

2011-08-14T17:39:00.005-04:00

YES!!

2011-07-19T22:00:00.000-04:00

this would be so fun. i want it.

http://youtu.be/pRwSqrfHdQg

"sometimes when one person is missing, the whole world seems depopulated." -alphonse de lamartine

2011-07-19T20:42:00.003-04:00

having a coke with you

2011-07-09T13:53:00.001-04:00

is even more fun than going to San Sebastian, Irún, Hendaye, Biarritz, Bayonne
or being sick to my stomach on the Travesera de Gracia in Barcelona
partly because in your orange shirt you look like a better happier St. Sebastian
partly because of my love for you, partly because of your love for yoghurt
partly because of the fluorescent orange tulips around the birches
partly because of the secrecy our smiles take on before people and statuary
it is hard to believe when I'm with you that there can be anything as still
as solemn as unpleasantly definitive as statuary when right in front of it
in the warm New York 4 o'clock light we are drifting back and forth
between each other like a tree breathing through its spectacles

and the portrait show seems to have no faces in it at all, just paint
you suddenly wonder why in the world anyone ever did them

I look
at you and I would rather look at you than all the portraits in the world
except possibly for the Polish Rider occasionally and anyway it's in the Frick
which thank heavens you haven't gone to yet so we can go together the first time
and the fact that you move so beautifully more or less takes care of Futurism
just as at home I never think of the Nude Descending a Staircase or
at a rehearsal a single drawing of Leonardo or Michelangelo that used to wow me
and what good does all the research of the Impressionists do them
when they never got the right person to stand near the tree when the sun sank
or for that matter Marino Marini when he didn't pick the rider as carefully
as the horse

it seems they were all cheated of some marvelous experience
which is not going to go wasted on me which is why I am telling you about it

—Frank O'Hara

i love my church

2011-06-26T16:16:00.002-04:00

http://www.passioncitychurch.com/blog/?p=885

love.never.fails.

2011-06-25T14:08:00.003-04:00

the vancouver riot kiss:::

THE BEFORE:

http://youtu.be/8mtURc7mkUg

AND AFTER:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HY86ccy4jj4

:) oh...love.

you do make people do funny things.

this reminds me of my favorite photo of the sailor & nurse 'kissing the war goodbye' at the top. sigh...

heroic romance. every girls dream :P

2011-06-24T20:03:00.003-04:00

no time

2011-06-14T14:07:00.002-04:00

i don't have much time to write these days. sad :( too much studying for the gre to do. & too much trying to figure out how to meet application deadlines.

until next time...
xoxo

you are my sunshine

2011-06-05T16:13:00.001-04:00

waiting

2011-06-03T01:10:00.001-04:00

5.24.11

2011-06-02T16:39:00.005-04:00

I have never resented the gift I have to feel more deeply than the average human being. Oddly enough I recognized this in myself early on. It has given me a great sense of compassion and fulfillment in my 24 years of life. It’s given me a heart for people & an ability to see in them things that no one else can see. I will never regret loving with my entire being. But even with gifts, there can also become downsides to them. When my heart breaks, it shatters into a million tiny pieces which almost seem to me to be virtually unbearable, but with every heart break I become stronger. And maybe on the flip side even a little more cynical. The fear of losing has never stopped me from loving with every integral of my soul. For I have truly learned that it is better to have loved & lost than to have never have loved at all. Yes, I’ve made mistakes…plenty of them, but I’ve learned that not taking a chance on love is foolish. After all, if you do indeed “lose,” not all is lost. Learning to risk looking like a fool for love is the only way to live. We only live once. Only get one shot. For me, I will not live it closed off, guarded & afraid. I will love deeply. I will take my chances. Love hurts like hell sometimes. But what I do know is that running from it hurts worse. Love isn’t all happy & bubbly all the time. Sometimes its scraping through the muck together. It’s not always that euphoric feeling that we always associate with love. Sometimes it feels feelingless or hurts a little, but its in those times that true love takes its shape. It’s birthed from a kind of innocence & honesty that only love can bring about. Love is that sleepless phone call at 3am just to say…I miss you. It’s simple really. I often wonder why everyone makes it so complicated. That’s where I’m at tonight. Sorting through the chaos & rubble of life. Trying to find your heart. Just to tug on its strings a little. Long enough to tell you I love you.

“We’re gonna do what lovers do. We’re gonna have a fight or two. But I aint ever changing my mind. Crazy {boy} don’t you know that I love you. I wouldn’t dream of going nowhere. Silly {boy} come here. let me hold you. Have I told you lately…I love you like crazy {boy}.” –eli young band

So go. Go love. & don’t hold back.

summer love

2011-05-18T16:15:00.005-04:00

it's about that time i'd say.

things are changing so fast.
but i'm not afraid.
let's jump together.
no regrets.
no looking back.
i'm strong.
& i'm ready.
to brave the odds.

(whatever will be...will be)

choose love.

Push me in a corner
And I'll come out fighting
I may lose but I 'll always keep my faith -gwyneth paltrow

like a lion

2011-04-06T16:27:00.002-04:00

this song is incredible. i love it...daniel bashta is the original writer but kristian stanfill is doing a cover here (above). it has been so amazing to sit under these worship leaders on sunday nights at passion city church. i have so loved it & am completely stoked for the renovation of their new building here in atlanta.

below is daniel...i'm only posting that one to remind me to learn to play it :)

i have been fortunate to be able to catch this incredible man of God a few times playing at riverstone when i'm not at passion city. he's riverstones main worship leader & an incredible worship leader at that! the anointing on his life is...breathtaking truly. i showed up sunday morning a few months ago & sat in the back with one of my best friends. the Lord began speaking to my heart & by the end of it i was in virtual tears...leaned over to my friend & started reverberating these utterances to her. incredible. i'm so thankful for these little moments where the Lord takes me by the hand & speaks to me. despite my stubborn & prodigal heart, He still chases after me...wraps me in His Love.

anyways...

big things are coming.
revolutionary things.

ps. if your in the atl area over easter, make your way out to passion citys good friday service @ verizon wireless amp.

i went last year...so awesome...so awesome.

the apparent selfishness of this generation seems overwhelming at times, but it has truly been a life changing event to worship with thousands of selfless young people who pour out their devotion to the living God..all together on good friday.

it's contagious too.

oh & oh.my.gosh. i can't believe i forgot to mention i saw hillsong united last month.

that's all i really need to say. you can fill in the blanks. all i know is that i need to carry a pen & paper on me at all times.

words can't describe.

love always.

on love & other ramblings

2011-03-31T11:41:00.001-04:00

Ah romance! Why cant love be like it was in the days where there were black & white movies? Genuine cary grant style. Where long love letters are written in the finest penmanship & the kisses were long & slow. Chivalry was the norm. Men respected woman. & woman respected their men. Womens bodies were covered & make up didnt destroy the natural beauty of a woman. Men were classy & women were sophisticated. Ankles, wrists & collarbones were sexy. Love was right on time. Slow dancing was out of the innocence of being close to a lovers touch. All starry eyed & lost in your lovers eyes. Audrey hepburns a-cup breasts werent looked down upon nor were marilyn monroes size 12 hips. Coming home to flowers for no occasion. I suppose love can still be like this at times. You know...that purest form of love. But everything I see in magazines & see on tv...reminds me that a love like this is hard to come by. A good ol' old fashioned love. I have been lucky enough to catch glimpses of this in my life. Id say its something worth striving for. It turns out that selfless love is the only love. & as for me...i should strive to love out of the purest form. Not out of my selfish desires but to the consideration of anothers heart. Turns out romance is a fight to hold on to in this sex crazed world. But its something that should never be lost.

i'm dancing to this song at my wedding.

2011-03-16T12:44:00.001-04:00

i'm serious.

look, we need to talk

2011-02-22T19:50:00.002-05:00

sheesh. things are happening so quickly. february is nearly over...summer is approaching. i'm just going to go ahead & skip right over spring. the weather is starting to get much warmer which makes me undeniably happy. there are a few other things in my life right now which make me undeniably happy too :D

life is so crazy you know? i guess the thing that makes all the difference is how you deal with the craziness & uncertainty. i for one am learning to take it one day at a time. it's a constant battle...but all of life is. it's this never ending cycle of ups & downs.

for me especially in this phase of my life. & in just about every area of life. i've been rediscovering the importance of things in my life & am slowly letting myself go into this free fall.

it feels good. a little scary to be back up there jumping off the edge again, but it's been a rush. the winds been blowing me where ever it wills. & this time i'm going to let it. no matter the risk.

love always.

JM

2011-01-31T20:34:00.002-05:00

i feel like i've been slow dancing in a burning room for the past few days. so in honor of that...John Mayer...take me away. i love how i don't write anymore & i just let songs say it for me. i've gotten lazy. it's whatev. it comes in waves.

something like this

2011-01-19T15:24:00.003-05:00

Cuz I'm walkin down this road alone.

And figured all I'm thinking about is you.

Is you my love.
And my head is in a cloud of rain.

And the world it seems so far away.

And I'm just waiting for.
The droplets.

You left a mark.
I wear it proudly on my chest.
Above my heart.
To remind me that I feel the best.
When I'm with you.
To me everything is effortless.
You know its true.
My eyes are painted with regret and I don’t need it.

-colbie caillat

jason reeves please

2011-01-19T11:19:00.002-05:00

2011-01-18T19:08:00.004-05:00

there's this place in me where your fingerprints still rest, your kisses still linger and your whispers softly echo. it's the place where a part of you will forever be a part of me. ---gretchen kemp

2011-01-17T21:46:00.000-05:00

2011-01-16T23:57:00.004-05:00

this morning i virtually woke up in tears. isn't that weird. it's like as human being sometimes our hearts become so overcome with heaviness that even in our sleep, we are not entirely relieved. i've been at work for the past few days doing one of my long jobs. i get off on thursday morning. it has been a nice change away from the mundane, but i've been unpleasantly bored & oddly enough i'm exhausted. which usually means a lot is running through this head & heart of mine.

so many changes in my own life need to take place. there are so many things that i want to see happen. so much to accomplish in this upcoming year. i'm taking literally one second at a time trying to figure this all out. i'm itching to get back to the water. my love. i'd like to see a little of the coast for a while. it feels like home to me. & home is right where i want to be.

i may be a summer advocate, but come february, i become incredibly anxious for some sunshine & warmer weather. some sunshine outside makes my entire life a little brighter. not to mention i will be another year older in a few weeks. i don't feel any older. but with my age comes more responsibilities. more decisions. more searching.

that is all for now. i'm at an indoor rock climbing venue. i should make use of my time & free wifi to....find a job or something :D

love always.

call & response

2011-01-16T23:44:00.000-05:00

iheartrevolution

2011-01-16T23:05:00.001-05:00

iheartrevolution

2011-01-16T23:03:00.002-05:00

iheartrevolution

2011-01-16T22:49:00.001-05:00

kissing the war goodbye

2011-01-15T17:57:00.001-05:00

this is my favorite picture :D

i don't know why

2011-01-15T12:09:00.005-05:00

but this makes me want to cry. probably because it's true. and probably because i understand it & it's relevance in my life is overwhelming.

aside from that, my heart is somewhere in africa right now. i've had my mind on africa a lot this week. i want to be there. soon.

passion is something i don't really lack. be passionate about something. anything. those who live with passion truly breathe & those who live without it are suffocating.

whatever it is that you do. whoever it is that you love.

be passionate.

2011

2011-01-08T12:52:00.006-05:00

i really was planning to write today. i had some of my post done & then i decided i didn't want to really say any of what was on it yet. my hearts been kind of somber lately. it's a new year. it's time to start rebuilding. this should be really hard, but it will be good for me. it makes me a little bit stronger with each passing day. last year was tremendously difficult, but this is my year of transition. changes. a year to figure out where my life is headed. i am appreciative of the many people in my life right now that make me reach for more. that is all for now. you haven't seen the last of me.

sos

2010-12-17T00:26:00.002-05:00

help. have i actually said anything of substance on here in the past year?

my apologies.
i do have much to say.
and not much time to say it in.

i owe you one dear blog.

time slows down whenever you're around

2010-12-11T11:01:00.002-05:00

syndicate

2010-11-15T21:01:00.000-05:00

Halfway around the world
Lies the one thing that you want
Buried in the ground, hundreds of miles down
First thing that arises in your mind while you awake
Bending you til you break
Let me hold you now

Baby close your eyes
Don't open til the morning light
Baby don't forget
You haven't lost it all yet

Don't know what your made of
Til the one thing that you want
To come in with the dawn and suddenly changes
Monday, syndicate me, its everyone the same
But all we've lost to the flame
Listen to me now

Baby close your eyes
Don't open til the morning light
Don't ever forget
We haven't lost it all yet
All we know for sure
Is all that we are fighting for
Baby don't forget
We haven't lost it all yet

Someday when this is over
We mix it up, no answer
For now its when I hold her
We are closer, we are closer
We are closer, we are closer

Baby close your eyes
Don't open til the morning light
Don't ever forget
We haven't lost it all yet
And all we know for sure
Is all that we are fighting for
Baby don't forget
We haven't lost it all yet

We are closer
we are closer
(We haven't lost it all yet)
Now we are closer
(We haven't lost it all yet)
We are closer

-the fray

11.14

2010-11-14T20:54:00.004-05:00

life,

you are so weird sometimes.

most of the time.

ok. all of the time.

<3 steph

i'm going to florida on wednesday. i need it so much. i need to sit on the beach & spend time with Jesus. i need Him. i really miss Him.

snow please

2010-11-04T21:23:00.003-04:00

i just really really really want to cuddle up on the floor. a cup of hot chocolate. 90 billion of those teeny marshmallows. a super fluffy pillow & a giant soft blanky. a fireplace. and a big window where i can look out & see it snowing.

pretty please?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C-Naa1HXeDQ&feature=channel

rainy days

2010-11-03T20:14:00.004-04:00

i've been needing some inspiration lately. i have been wondering were it went. it's like my happiness and dreams just walked away from me, but i think i caught a little glimpse of everything again today.

today was good for me. i don't know why. especially because last week was complete heartbreak & i cried myself to sleep one too many times. it's been a while since i've felt like i had just a good day. it was even raining today.

on my way to class this morning, i was kind of rushing...as always. to make things crazier, i searched all through the parking lots close to class so i wouldn't have to walk in the cold alone. nothing. so i head towards our huge deck across campus. i had to walk from the 5th floor of the parking deck...all the way to class. which was really no big deal. sometimes i actually do it on purpose because i love walking. of course it was drizzling & freezing today. still doesn't bother me much. except for the freezing part. on my way down the 80 flights of stairs, i met this boy. i followed on his heels the whole way to class.

it's weird you know? we always get into our "own little world" & we forget that there are people around us all the time. we get into custom of doing things our way...going on a mission for ourselves & accomplishing it for ourselves, but we often forget that there are all these other people. we have our friends & we get so comfortable. or maybe it's just fear that holds people back from things as simple as saying hello.

i love talking to strangers & meeting new people. it's one of my all time favorites. i love it especially when i don't have to initiate it because it makes me realize that there are people out there that like...really care about other people & aren't selfish.

so, this boy & i laughed the whole way to class. in the rain. about the people running in the rain. about wavelengths & about how sadistic i am for always wanting to cut things open in lab. you know what? we didn't even catch each others names.

i like that.

because honestly it doesn't even matter.
we got to our building, out of the rain.
he patted me on the back.
like i had known him my whole life.
and we went our separate ways.
him to physics.
and me to anatomy.

maybe that's what love looks like.
see, here's the thing.

we live in this imperfect world with all these broken hearts & disappointed people. myself included. & i guess...you just never know when a few words will make someone's day.

well, things have been rough for me lately.
& this may seem a little dramatic.
but i think in a way, he saved me today.

i think next wednesday, i will park on the 5th floor of the parking deck.

on purpose.

my longest running crush

2010-11-02T14:38:00.004-04:00

oh man...was i heartbroken when he got married.

i can't believe i'm posting about this. my blog is really going downhill.

he can't be as cool as he seems anyways...

right?

it's been 2 years & i'm still itching to get my nose pierced. i'm gonna go for it soon. yes?

yes.

i bet you'll be fine

2010-11-01T22:49:00.002-04:00

10.25

2010-10-30T18:41:00.001-04:00

you wanna know what was on my mind this week? good. because i'm going to tell you. i was just wondering...well...do you think anyone is truly happy? i mean like really truly happy. & satisfied with their life? it just seems like most of the time we think we know what we want for our lives. & when we get it, we realize maybe what we thought we wanted wasn't really what we did want. Or even worse, maybe it was, but over time we just get apathetic & forget how much we love it until it’s gone. whatever “it” happens to be. i guess it could be just about anything.
i know a lot of people that think they're happy. or that seem happy. but then i find out they're not at all. why is it that nothing is ever as it seems? & sometimes i think that if i was a little less selfish maybe i would love people a little more. maybe if i could see past the exterior pretend life that everyone lives, & into their hearts, maybe I’d be a little more forgiving & a little less critical. i guess it doesn't really take much to see that all people really need is a little love & that everybody deals with the same struggles. i'm pretty sure 'the beatles' beat me to that idea though :) (all you need is love)

but i guess now in my own life i have never been more convinced that i am in charge of my own happiness & i’m the only one that can change things for me. i just wish i lived more like i was in charge of my happiness. i wish that my happiness didn’t depend on other people. i wish that it didn’t depend on the girls in the magazines that tell me that i will never be beautiful enough. i wish it didn’t depend on my friends and family. or my past that makes me believe that my mistakes will always be hanging over my head. & whatever other needless things i fill my life with that are unimportant.

this really has nothing to do with anything. i’m not sure where it’s coming from exactly. i have been meeting a lot of unsatisfied people lately. i guess that got me wondering how they got to be that way & whether happiness is actually attainable. i still think it is. maybe where people go wrong is when they start looking for it outside of themselves. maybe living in pursuit of something really is the only way to live. i never want to live my life so comfortably that i don’t have to sacrifice something in order to be thankful for what i have & where i came from.

sept 25. 2010

2010-09-28T19:38:00.003-04:00

just wanna mark this day in my blog.

this could be interesting.

i bawl like a baby. every time.

2010-09-18T21:04:00.001-04:00

2010-07-21T11:29:00.000-04:00

Its amazing to me that we hurt the ones we love the most. I don't understand that. I keep thinking that things will get better. They never do.

july 7

2010-07-13T18:31:00.000-04:00

Summer. You are my favorite. My favorite day of the entire year (july 4th) is officially over. I am so thankful for the people that are in my life. Despite the fact that I feel so far from God, (due to my own selfishness), I know that He has been with me every step of the way. I know that He has placed these people & struggles in my life for a reason. I spent the weekend with family & friends. I love my family of course. Though we have difficult times, I will always love them. I have been even more blessed to have an “extra” family. I am somewhat surprised I haven’t spoken of them prior to this, being that I generally spend as much time with them as I do my real family. I have known them for almost 11 years. The 1st family that I meet when I moved to Atlanta. & it has been amazing to grow up with them. Especially the children. I will never take for granted that I can walk into their home at any time & sit down. That I know where the hidden house key is. & that they love me so much. They would do anything for me. And me for them. From the time that I walk in the door to the time I walk out seems to be a constant stream of laughter. I never get tired of that. I hardly have a memory of my life that doesn’t involve them in some way or another. I love that. Their daughter, who is also my best friend, is getting married in September. Another life change. So excited for my sissy & so amazed at how quickly things come about. & her brother just graduated from the army. So proud of him. It always makes me cry. Not in a sad way but kind of in a sad way too. In a “I am so blessed” sort of way to have the family & friends that I do. Their mom & dad think of me as their daughter. And I think of them as mom & dad away from mom & dad.  its humbling because most people can’t say that about their lives. I love that no matter where we go or what happens down the road, we will always be family & that is something that no one will ever take away.
A few weeks ago, I went to Savannah with one of my best friends, Aryka. She is hands down the smartest friend I have. Not to mention, the best friend a person could ask for. She never judges. Always loves. I hope that at some point in my life I will be the kind of friend that she has been to me to someone else in my life. We had a wonderful and relaxing time. Much needed for the both of us. Savannah was beautiful. And exceptionally historic. Walking through the cemetery at dusk and riding around the city learning of its history was exhilarating. I am so thankful for the freedom that I have. Walking down River Street as the homeless pull out their instruments. But my favorite story was the one about the “waving girl.” A statue was put up by the Savannah River in her honor. The story is about a girl that met sailor. And fell in love. The sailor one day had to leave but promised her that he’d be back for her. Every morning she would come by the river & wave a towel at the incoming ships and every night she would hold out her lantern in hopes that he would return for her as promised. She did that for years & years, but he never returned for her. She eventually died. Most say it was from a broken heart. I guess it was kind of a sad story. It has no happy ending, but what I did learn is that some things are worth waiting for. Some things are worth fighting for. The best things in life are the ones that you have to work really hard for. Anything that comes easy is not worth keeping. The most important thing in life is that you never give up the fight.
I will wait for you.
I will fight for you.

snow patrol

2010-06-18T19:22:00.000-04:00

(Lyrically this song is incredible. It just is incredible. All ways)

I'm running out of ways to make you see
I want you to stay here beside me
I won't be okay and I won't pretend I am
So just tell me today and take my hand

Please take my hand
Please take my hand
Please take my hand
Please take my hand

Just say yes
Just say there's nothing holding you back
It's not a test
Nor a trick of the mind, only love

It's so simple and you know it is, you know it is
We can't be to and fro like this all our lives
You're the only way to me, the path is clear
What do I have to say to you for God's sake, dear?

For God's sake, dear
For God's sake, dear
For God's sake, dear
For God's sake, dear

Just say yes
Just say there's nothing holding you back
It's not a test
Nor a trick of the mind, only love

Just say yes
'Cause I'm aching and I know you are too
For the touch
Of your warm skin as I breathe you in

I can feel your heart beat through my shirt
This was all I wanted, all I want

It's all I want
It's all I want
It's all I want
It's all I want

Just say yes
Just say there's nothing holding you back
It's not a test
Nor a trick of the mind, only love

Just say yes
'Cause I'm aching and I know you are too
For the touch
Of your warm skin as I breathe you in

breathtaking

2010-06-14T20:54:00.001-04:00

So I have a new favorite word: breathtaking. That is my favorite word. This weekend after the wedding I was in told me I was breathtaking. I love being called that. Even if I don't entirely believe it. ;) I looked up the definition & it make it even better. Breathtaking. It meant to much to me that this sweet boy told me this. Strictly out of purity of heart nonetheless. It always means a little more coming from a handsome boy. Haha! But Jesus thinks I'm breathtaking. I don't know why. He is breathtaking to me. Though I am struggling day & night...He is my pursuer. He keeps chasing after my stubborn, broken heart. He truly takes my breath away at the sound of His name. So breathtaking shall be my new word. Not to be taken lightly. But to be used with the utmost care.

Thank you Jesus.
My pursuer.
The reason I breathe.
My breathtaking Love.
I will live my life for You.

come find me

2010-06-06T23:09:00.003-04:00

i'm so lost. so so lost.
i don't know where i am.
who i am.
where i'm going.
or where i came from.
won't you please come find me?

i am hurt.
i am broken.
i am transparent.

that is all.

2008. really? did i post this already? i don't even know

2010-06-05T23:44:00.001-04:00

1.15.08

The last semester has officially begun. With one word simply resounding in my head. Graduation. If I am not mistaken, there are 106 sunsets until that glorious day. Yes. I have counted upon multiple occasions. Not that I am entirely done, but merely one page of my life has been written….and now on to the next. Whatever that may be. I many times wish that I had even the slightest clue.

Not to mention I am coming around on my 22nd year of life soon. Very soon. Hard to believe. 22. I remember as a little child, my favorite number has always been 2. since then I have unconsciously decided that when I turned 22 it would be the best year of my life. well, I guess we’ll see.

Life. all I know is that it’s precious. I know that some of it is spent in grave company. And some in complete loneliness. Some in silence & some in sheer noise. Other in discomfort & some in comfort.

The discomfort that I have felt over the past few years has shaped who I am to the very core. Discomfort generally gives off a negative connotation, but yet, many times its repercussions are to be praised. My mind has been opened to the possibilities & opportunities around me. often times I wish that I was a little child again. that the simplest moments in life brought me joy like they used to. I am in pursuit of this thing that we like to call happiness. I am convinced that we are in fact in charge of our own happiness & that life is what we choose to make it. That through the struggles & the pain, there is a level of accomplishment that could be attained no other way.

Life. is beautiful.

summer love. had me a blast.

2010-06-05T23:42:00.000-04:00

June. Summer is my favorite. No competition. So many crazy & exciting things are coming up. Florida was a no go. I don’t understand why & I don’t even really want to talk about it anymore. There’s a reason. I don’t know what that reason is, but I’m semi content with this not knowing why. One of my best friends is getting married next week. I’m honored to be the maid of honor. My best friend in the world is getting married in September. I’m also honored to be the maid of honor in that one. She is more my sister. Our families have been friend s for almost 11 years. I am so thankful for that. I spend an unbelievable amount of time with them. I wouldn’t have it any other way. It feels like home to me. & I honestly can’t say that about anyone else. Not even close. That statement is a big deal for me, because I’m not comfortable anywhere.

Then there’s family issues. They never seem to get any better. They only get worse. I don’t know what to say about that other than I’m doing my best to simply make it through. No one knows.

& I guess there’s boys. Ok…I don’t guess. There’s like 100 boys. I don’t even know what to do with all them. They all seem the same to me. Hmmm…what’s a girl to do? Every day it’s all I can do to maintain focus on what’s important in life. & meaningless , insatiable relationships simply are not. I admit, I have been too tolerant. & this tolerance is biting me back right now.
& then there’s you. The you I’m talking about changes constantly. I’ll think it’s you. Then you turns into someone else. Another “you”. & it’s you…that has my head & heart so confused. As time moves on, so do love interests. It’s all a waiting game I suppose. It’s the 50 I turn down daily waiting on that 1. I don’t mean that in a conceited way. At all. But I’m 23 & single. With an entirely too forward personality. What do you expect?

I’m done here. I miss you missing me.
That’s all.

Oh & the only song I’m listening to on repeat right now:
Joshua Radin-Paperweight.
Go listen.
It reminds me of you.

dear florida

2010-05-28T20:54:00.001-04:00

i'm having a hard time letting go. why do you grip my heart so?

summer love

2010-05-19T23:04:00.003-04:00

things are changing so quickly. it's unreal. i've traveled to florida 3 times in the past month. i love florida. lord willing in the next few months i'll be moving here. 2 of my best friends are getting married between now & september. and i am blessed enough to be the maid of honor in both. i have amazing friends. girlfriends. & boyfriends. i am beyond encouraged by the people that i am constantly surrounded by. i wouldn't change that for anything. summer is quickly approaching. change is here to stay. adventure is everywhere i look. i want to keep going but time is my only enemy. i have much more to say.

love.

I miss those blue eyes
How you kiss me at night
I miss the way we sleep

Like there's no sunrise
Like the taste of your smile
I miss the way we breathe

But I never told you
What I should have said
No, I never told you
I just held it in

And now,
I miss everything about you
Can't believe that I still want you
And after all the things we've been through
I miss everything about you
Without you

I see your blue eyes
Everytime I close mine
You make it hard to see
Where I belong to
When I'm not around you
It's like I'm not with me

But I never told you
What I should have said
No, I never told you
I just held it in

And now,
I miss everything about you
Can't believe that I still want you
And after all the things we've been through
I miss everything about you
Without you

But I never told you
What I should have said
No, I never told you
I just held it in

And now,
I miss everything about you
Can't believe that I still want you
And after all the things we've been through
I miss everything about you
Without you

absence

2010-05-11T18:18:00.001-04:00

i do want to write to you. so busy. you have no idea.

2.25.10

2010-04-14T15:20:00.001-04:00

Well. Here I am. I always find myself here in this same place. Broken. Lost. & in need of You.

Change is in the air. Everywhere I look. The seasons are changing. Things are in transition. An intrinsic shift. This is expected. But there are simply things now that I am anticipating will change very quickly, as they have already. I’m just not quite so sure I’m completely ready to say goodbye to these things. These people specifically. These shifts in time are always exciting. They mean something greater is on the horizon. Though there are greater things right around the corner. New & exciting things. It doesn’t make it any less scary. Or any less uncomfortable. The things/people that I am blessed with at this current state in my life. I will slowly but surely begin to miss. I will go on to meet new people. And experience new places. But the people that are so close to my heart now will never not be close to my heart. they have made me who I am today. And for that. Eternal gratitude.

Yesterday, I received in the smallest amount some encouragement from a friend that I hadn’t seen or hardly talked to in over a year. the simplest acts mean the most. Perhaps this is why I have learned to wear my heart on my sleeve. I have learned that the simplest words mean the most to me, therefore, speaking what I am thinking into the lives of other people has been an integral, revolutionary part of my life.

Sometimes there is that initial regret. To where I say something, & then wonder if I was being too forward. But I am slowly learning to get over that. All that I know is that I was called to Love.

….and Love is Bold.

april 7

2010-04-10T20:30:00.003-04:00

Hello there. It’s me again. I keep giving up writing for other things. I wish it didn’t have to be that way. Life has been so busy. I like business. It keeps me out of trouble. Mostly. But sometimes its nice to slow down. There have been so many occasions this week where I wanted to speak to you. You being the one reading this. Whoever you are. The not knowing makes it all the more exciting. But as always…the second I sit down I’ve forgotten everything I wanted to share with you.

Time has this funny way of continuing on. Without regard to my plan. Here I am. Almost mid april. And most likely headed back to the Sunshine state mid may. It seems oh too surreal. I don’t know where life is taking me. & as usual, it scares me out of my wits. But at the same time, I’m intrepid. I must carry on. Adventure calls me.

Relationships have seemed to be the topic of the day. Or month. Or maybe even year. Perhaps it is because I am getting older. Many of my friends are getting married. Are about to get married. Or want to get married. The older I get, the more I realize, I have no answers. Don’t get me wrong. I definitely want to get married at some point. & have kids at some point. But it’s not my #1 dream like almost every other girl I know. I spend a bit of time talking with one of my boy friends about relationships. Specifically love relationships. We both converse on the difficulty of commitment. The failed attempts at love. The impatience of waiting for something that may never come. The confusion that sometimes comes along with it. The hurt we have dealt with in our own lives. I have enjoyed spending this time discussing this with him for more than one reason, but mainly because our relationship is strictly platonic. I value that in our openness & honesty, we can remain friends. Ask each other for advice. Without questioning each other about our motives. Pushing our relationship farther. It’s quite refreshing.

Speaking of relationships. Julie Roberts song “rain on a tin roof” is on replay as I write this post right now. Everything about it reminds me of you. & of me. & our relationship is anything but plutonic I’m afraid. I am so torn as to what to do. My heart knows. But my head tells me different. It’s hard to make a move when both of those things are telling me different. But I miss you. Sometimes I’m not quite sure why. But I do. I miss your blue eyes. Your hand in mine. I miss watching you sleep as I pretend to. Walks through a moonlit sky. You hand on my waist pulling me closer. The cool night air. And your smile. This is the here & now. Or at least the here & now when we are together. & when I go away…you never come after me. I shouldn’t have to ask you to come after me. But I can’t forget about you. Loving you scares me the most. But the fear never keeps me from loving you.

I’m the most stubborn person I’ve ever known. I’m not even sure how I got that way. In some ways I think stubbornness is good. Being stubborn is being unwilling to compromise. The most annoying thing in my life I feel is when people tell me who to be. Who to love. What to do. In fact 99% of the time, if you tell me to do something, I’m going to do the exact opposite. I don’t like taking orders or people who think they know what’s best for me & they really don’t. I do, however, generally listen to my parents. Everyone else…not so much. You say stay. I run. You say no. I say yes. You say down. I say up. Well…you get the idea. The idea of being forced into a life that I don’t want is what scares me the most. I watch people get married. Because there’s nothing else to do. I watch them start dating people they don’t even like because they get bored. Of course, I get bored too. Every other second I get bored. But I tend to take my boredness to other levels. I’m more likely to move away to another state. Go bunji jumping. Or kiss a stranger. My life has taken independence to a whole new level. I’m sure things will change as I continue to grow up but my next boyfriends gonna have a piece of work. The truth is…I like where I am. I’m in no rush. I don’t need anyone telling me how to live my life. When I live my life, I live it for me. I will be who I am. I’m not afraid to change my flaws. But I refuse to be something I’m not. Society tells me to get an education, marry, get a job, have kids, get rich, buy a bunch of stuff, have surgery to improve my imperfections. Society tells me I’m not good enough. My hips aren’t small enough. My boobs aren’t big enough. Society tells me I’m too young & inexperienced. Society tells me that I am most likely to have a failed marriage. Society will dictate who we are on a daily basis if we in fact do not know who we are. I will not be a statistic. I will learn to love myself the way that I am. & one day. One day. Someone will love me for me. & my 7 billion imperfections. Because that’s just about how many I have.

i don't really think any of that is what i wanted to say. but i'm exhausted. i don't even make sense to myself right now.

cheers. love you.

(two jumps in a week. i bet you think thats pretty clever dont you boy. flying on your motorcycle. watching all the ground beneath you drop. youd kill yourself for recognition. kill yourself to never ever stop. you broke another mirror. youre turning into something you are not. dont leave me high. dont leave me dry. its the best thing that youve ever had. the best thing youve had has gone away -radiohead)

2010-04-08T20:32:00.000-04:00

I've been writing but haven't had the chance to upload! :) will try soon. (So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go -john denver)

hear me

2010-03-17T23:16:00.010-04:00

*side note: the beautiful photos belong to my favorite photographer. parker young.* (i secretly spend hours at a time. looking at his work.)

beauty is everywhere.

& when i get my new camera.
expect to never see me without it.

-----------------------------

i have so much to say. always.
i have amazing friends.
ones that make me incandescently happy.
an amazing family.
that never leaves my side.
an amazing God.
amazing is an understatment.
how could words possibly describe.
all 3 of which love me.
tremendously.
even when i don't deserve it.
i never deserve it.
but that's what makes it beautiful.
i love my life.
i love that i love.
& that i am loved.
i love that when i can't take anymore.
someone wraps me in their warm arms.
lets me cry on their shoulder.
& holds me until the uncertainty.
& the fear vanishes.
i love sacrifice.
duty.
honor.
responsibility.
i hate goodbyes.
but love the anticipation.
of meeting your eyes again.
hope.
i am hopeful.
that i am one day closer.
to seeing your smile.
my heart aches.
but my soul rejoices.
the tears that i cry.
aren't tears of surrender.
they're the tears.
of a fighter.
of a long awaited battle.
i stand on the mountain top.
sword in hand.
they are my cries of victory.
my eyes are wide awake.
dreaming.
of you.
of me.
of us.
no regrets.
no looking back.
nothing left unsaid.
heart strings.
that will never be cut.
tangled.
broken.
or knotted.
tied together.
so tightly.
that you & i will never be apart.
for my heart beats in rhythm with yours.
& yours with mine.
we lie under the same stars.
& look up at the same sky.
the same sun shining on our faces.
the distance from me.
to where you are.
seems less far.
not a day passes.
where i do not think of you.

thank you.
for loving me.
for your courage.
making me strong.

i am brave.
because you are brave.

when he's gone...

2010-03-16T00:34:00.001-04:00

•when he's yours. he brings the sunshine. when he's gone the world goes dark. he's heaven on the eyes. but he's hell on the heart•

thanks apple :)

2010-03-10T21:52:00.001-05:00

"Here's to the crazy ones. The rebels. The troublemakers. The ones who see things differently. While some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones who do."

set fire to the third bar

2010-03-10T21:26:00.002-05:00

I find the map and draw a straight line
Over rivers, farms, and state lines
The distance from here to where you'd be
It's only finger-lengths that I see
I touch the place where I'd find your face
My fingers in creases of distant dark places

I hang my coat up in the first bar
There is no peace that I've felt so far
The laughter penetrates my silence
As drunken men find flaws in science

Their words mostly noises
Ghosts with just voices
Your words in my memory
Are like music to me

I'm miles from where you are
I lay down on the cold ground
I pray that something picks me up
And sets me down in your warm arms

After I have travelled so far
We'd set the fire to the third bar
We'd share each other like an island
Until exhausted, close our eyelids
And dreaming pick up from
The last place we left off
Your soft skin is weeping
A joy you can't keep it

I'm miles from where you are
I lay down on the cold ground
And I pray that something picks me up
And sets me down in your warm arms

I'm miles from where you are
I lay down on the cold ground
I pray that something picks me up
And sets me down in your warm arms

breathe me

2010-03-09T18:40:00.003-05:00

i'm too tired to write. i have much to say. but for now. all i have is a lack of originality. & a tired heart. no substance left for now. i'll let sia say it for me:

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
I hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch

I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

shooting

2010-03-04T20:39:00.000-05:00

I went to the range yesterday & shot a 22, 9mm & 380. My 1st time. It was fun but I had no idea what I was doing. Aside from that...I freaking dropped the 380. Dear God. Maybe I shouldnt be allowed to be armed...I still feel bad about it.

1.24

2010-03-01T21:35:00.001-05:00

My dreams are returning again. finally. Through much pain & searching, I am beginning to see myself again. in what was once a distorted picture of my dreams is now starting to bring clarity & peace to my mind. How quickly I get distracted & lose sight of what really matters. Fear & insecurity is the only thing that has ever holds us back from becoming exactly who we are made to be. I am convinced now more than ever that all we are is simply lovers.

Although I just finished school last October, since my graduation last may, I have discovered so much about myself. Some of which I realize I am needing to change & other things that are simply a nudge of innocence that I must hold onto with all of my might. My dreaming heart has always been one that has frightened me. but frightened me in a good way. I’m such a dreamer. I always have been & always will be. the dreams that are so deep knit into my hearts strings are the same dreams that keep me pushing & striving toward reaching my goals. My dreams are the only things that keep me breathing. I have come too far now to even begin to think about giving up. My “free-spirit” has been both a blessing & a curse I suppose. My wandering heart is able to take me places that other people will only dare dream to go. I’ve always been one to speak my mind. To steer clear of anything or anyone that would make me feel restrained. Most would say that I have “walked to the beat of my own drum”. I am surprised the word “hippie” hasn’t already permanently attached itself to my name somewhere. I often joke that I just go wherever the wind blows me. The worst case scenario for me would be to live my life wondering “what if”. This is something that I promised myself I would never do. I would rather fail embarrassingly numerous times than to never try.

I am learning that my history of running away is one that I must learn to tame. Learning to embrace your life is half the battle. And learning to change the world & love with utter vulnerability is the other. Keeping our hearts guarded leads for a lonely life. I would much rather feel the pang of a thousand stings & learn to love.

“love anything & your heart will be wrung & possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies & little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

Life is so precious. It’s those little moments that make all of the difference. I just watched the movie, My Sisters Keeper. Compassion has always been my strong suit. I’m not a big crier. But when I see someone hurting, I will cry on a dime. You best believe. It was all I could do to maintain my composure & not loudly begin to wail during this movie. That’s how I know I have a heart for people & from this same desire, I realized that I want to hold orphans & little sick ones in my arms until the day I die. My heart burns for the brokenhearted. To caress their head & kiss there face. Sometimes a simple smile or an “it will be ok” will suffice. I had forgotten this dream that I had held on to so tightly until I had a subtle reminder from someone I hardly even know. I began to have a heart for missions years ago & my dream of one day becoming a doctor slowly coincided with this dream. It wasn’t until recently that I realized the same dream that was found apparent in my heart many years ago was still there. And I have been encouraged by another to continue in pursuit of these desires.

My heart is beginning to ache again. it is beginning to break for people. For love. For justice. For passion. I am on the verge of something great. I can feel it running like a drug through my veins. At times my heart aches for this to the point that I don’t know how I will survive without it. passion is a good thing to have id say. Without it, we would cease to exist.

Starting over. the time is coming for my brand new start. Honestly, its scary as hell but the most exciting thing that I’ve ever done. I’m so beyond ready to jump of the edge with full force. I’m ready to embark on this new adventure & embrace life to its fullest even if I must go it alone. I want to drink in the moments that take my breath away. Feel joy to the highest levels. I’m ready for what is to come next. The tears & the hard work are in no comparison to the laughter & bliss that comes with running with freedom the path that you yourself have paved. Life is beautiful. We were put here to be conquerors. Not to fall victim to defeat.

And it all starts out with a simple dream. My dream is…

A beaming sunshine. Sweat dripping down my back. Sitting on a dirt floor. Rocking & singing to sleep beautiful abandoned babies. Wrapping them in love & security. My dream is less about becoming a doctor & more about becoming a healer. A healer to a broken & dying, hurt world. Love has the capacity to heal wounds. This i am certain of. My dream is becoming a mother. Its becoming a lover. My dream is becoming selfless. Full of hope for tomorrow & for a better future. My dream is to lay down at night with my lover by my side. Reaching out to take his hand next to me & kissing his sleeping eyes goodnight. Waking in the morning to the simple touch of his fingertips on my lips. Watching my little boys grow up to be warriors that fight for injustice as they have seen their father do. & my little princess girls grow up to be zealous lovers of people.

This is my dream. This is what I fight for.

What are you fighting for?

relator

2010-03-01T21:24:00.004-05:00

what a fantastic song. one of my favorites. it's beyond brilliant. & since i have been told multiple times i look like scarlett johannson. therefore, i feel obligated to share:

1.21

2010-03-01T20:29:00.001-05:00

It amazing to me that all day long I have things to say. And by time I get to my computer at night, they all seem to vanish from my memory. I have slacked big time on my writing lately which must be why so many things have been running through my mind. Every day is a constant battle of decision making. Wondering. And waiting. Where will my life head next? Sitting back, I will get no where. Making my dreams come into fruition will only come when I take action. But what action should I take?

I have never felt so lost in my entire life. In my decisions to figure out what my next move will be. In my friendships. In relationships. In my beliefs. In my 22, almost 23 years of living I had always been certain as to what I believe. That is…up until now. I am realizing that the older I get, the less I know. The more I search, the more I seem to get lost. God seems so far away & everything I have become reminds me of everything I never wanted to be. Like all of humanity the question in my mind has been “who am I?” I am me of course. But who is me? there is a profound distinction between who I am & between who I want to be. not to mention who I pretend to be. it’s exhausting. Surely you understand though. I know very little about anything anymore I feel.

however, I have come to the conclusion that alcohol is not the answer to any problems. Nor are relationships which lack substance. The ones we love the most seem to be the ones we hurt the most. And learning to let go of the temporary & cling to the eternal is a valuable lesson. Deep down in my heart I still know who I am, but somewhere along this beaten path that I walk, I seem to have gotten lost. maybe veered off looking at sorts of enchanting distractions. every tree has begun to look the same. My footprints pointing me back to my destination have blow away with the wind. I’m running but the direction I am running could be putting me into a deeper chasm. The sun is quickly fading. The darkness falls in all around me. as I gaze up at the starless sky, fear begins to grip me. in dread that I will never see the sun again. nor the path that once lead my way. alone. Here I am. as I stop in complete terror, I collapse on a cold vast rock in exhaustion. To simply wait. To wait for the suns warmth again. in hopes that somewhere in my dreaming sleep I will awake to remember my way home.

That’s virtually the only way I feel I am able to express the feelings of my recent aching. I miss my friends so much. I miss the consistency of what was. I miss encouragement to keep striving & pushing for transparency. I miss God. He is always God. even when I run. I miss the florida sunshine. It’s a difficult call for me. just because I miss it doesn’t necessarily mean that’s where I am supposed to be. perhaps it just means I’m living in the past. Or does it? these are the questions that have my mind in a twist. I’ve got choices. Should I stay or should I leave?

I know this boy. This boy in which I miss very much who taught me so much about life. Though our togetherness was shortlived. he taught me to love. He taught me that life isn’t perfect. That’s it’s ok to make mistakes. And more importantly that it’s ok to cry. To admit helplessness. To be transparent & vulnerable. Because without vulnerability & a little bit of pain, you will never learn to love. He taught me how to be brave & the importance of knowing when to fight & when to lay down your sword. He taught me that heartache is inevitable & life is rarely fair but fighting for life is more important than anything else. That honesty is always to be upheld. That loving people is the greatest thing that you can ever do to make a difference in this life. I miss our late night talks. His crooked little smile. But more than anything else, I miss his heart. the glimmer of hope in his eyes that made me wish I was a better person. That made me believe again. that maybe there really was more to this life worth living for. I miss his constant assurance that I was worth more to him than I thought I was. that I was more beautiful & more deserving than I give myself credit for. to me, he means so much. I just don’t think he realizes how much. & now the distance that has torn us so far apart keeps me from being with him. I want so badly to just sit downtown in silence on a park bench in the crisp night air breathing with him. Singing loudly & off key in our cars. Laughing uninhibitedly. I simply wish that I could tell him that I miss the nearness of him. It’s difficult for me to close that chapter of my life. so this isn’t exactly my goodbye. Its simply my gratitude headed straight into the void. With that said. Wherever you are tonight (I wish I could insert your name here)…know that I am eternally grateful for you. Thank you for loving me & making me realize that I am worth waiting for. I miss you. I love you. & I’ll see you soon.

“when you think tim mcgraw. I hope you think my favorite song. The day you turn your radio on. I hope it takes you back to that place. When you think happiness. I hope you think that little black dress. Think of my head on your chest & my old faded blue jeans. When you think tim mcgraw. I hope you think of me. he said the way my blue eyes shined, put those Georgia stars to shame that night. i said that’s a lie.” –taylor swift

iron & wine version

2010-02-20T21:30:00.003-05:00

I am thinking it's a sign
That the freckles in our eyes
Are mirror images and when we kiss
They're perfectly aligned

And I have to speculate
That God himself did make us
Into corresponding shapes
Like puzzle pieces from the clay

And true it may seem like a stretch
But it's thoughts like this that catch
My troubled head when you're away
When I am missing you to death

When you are out there on the road
For several weeks of shows
And when you scan the radio
I hope this song will guide you home

They will see us waving from such great heights
Come down now, they'll say
But everything looks perfect from far away
Come down now but we'll stay

I've tried my best to leave
This all on your machine
But the persistent beat
It sounded thin upon listening

And that frankly will not fly
You'll hear the shrillest highs
And lowest lows with the windows down
When this is guiding you home

They will see us waving from such great heights
Come down now, they'll say
But everything looks perfect from far away
Come down now but we'll stay

feb 2

2010-02-19T19:52:00.001-05:00

Breathe deeply. Be slow to anger. Time heals wounds but regrets last a lifetime. Love with complete vulnerability. If your dreams seem reachable, you're dreaming too small. Satisfaction lies in simple things. Sing loudly. Laugh whenever you can. Take chances. Kiss the ones you love goodnight. Don't forget to say I love you every chance you get. Be open to change. Live fearless.

a fine frenzy

2010-02-04T22:37:00.001-05:00

Running the race
Like a mouse in a cage
Getting nowhere but I'm trying
Forging ahead
But I'm stuck in the bed
That I made so I'm lying

But if you keep real close
Yeah, you stay real close
I will reach you

I'm down to a whisper
In a daydream on a hill
Shut down to a whisper
Can you hear me still

Eager to please,
Trying to be what they need
But I'm so very tired
I've stopped trying to find
Any peace in my mind
Because it tangles the wires

But if you keep real close
Yeah, you stay real close
I will reach you

I'm down to a whisper
In a daydream on a hill
Shut down to a whisper
Can you hear me
Can you hear me still

The sound tires on my lips
To fade away into forgetting

I'm down to a whisper
In a daydream on a hill
Shut down to a whisper
Can you hear me
Can you hear me

I'm down to a whisper
In a daydream on a hill
Shut down to a whisper
Can you hear me
Can you hear me still

on finding the way

2010-01-14T08:58:00.000-05:00

Everything I am is everything that I hate. When all along I just wanted to be more like You. It has been in this process of rediscovering myself, that I have gotten lost.

2010

2010-01-01T00:20:00.001-05:00

Cheers.

people

2009-12-29T20:40:00.001-05:00

People everywhere are the same. People are people no matter where you go. With every day that pases I realize this more & more...

on ruts

2009-12-22T09:24:00.000-05:00

i just got out of an intense meeting & i am stuck in the most unfortunate rut of all time. i thought my previous ruts were something. i was wrong. i handled the situation calmly but now im not feeling too good. one day maybe all the hard work & tears will pay off. not today. but maybe someday. life is full of unfortuate setbacks. but i am learning that the only thing that really matters is that you never stop fighting

question

2009-12-15T20:15:00.001-05:00

Does tolerance lead to acceptance & when does open mindedness become compromise?

winter solstice reading list

2009-11-23T20:56:00.003-05:00

*the orphaned anything: stephen christian
*blue like jazz: donald miller
*the shack: william p. young
*twlight series: stefenie meyer

love this song:

on missing the point

2009-11-23T20:38:00.004-05:00

USA 60sec add from Hillsong United on Vimeo.

what holds me back from this?
me. only me.

when watch these, i remember once again who i am.

i lose sight of it so easily.

THIS. is who i am.

this is what i love.

this is what i live for.

now...my dream.

MUST become reality.

simple revelations

2009-11-23T12:09:00.001-05:00

God just gave me this simple revelation. Some things in life are important. Some things simply aren't. Life is all about discerning between the two.

not gonna lie. i have a hard time with that.

november 18

2009-11-21T11:25:00.002-05:00

What I do know.
Is that I miss you.
Sometimes I still feel you.
Sometimes I close my eyes.
And hear you breathing on my neck.
I still taste your kiss on my lips.
And dream that you’re lying next to me.
Waking up without you doesn’t feel right.
And falling asleep alone feels so cold.
Will we ever drop our defenses?
Will we ever learn to love?
When you see me.
Will you pass by without a single glance?
Or will you ask me to dance again?
Time passes so quickly.
But when we’re apart.
Time passes oh so slow.
I’m dreaming of our eyes meeting again.
To be in your arms again.
Is the only thing I’ve ever really wanted.

november 15

2009-11-21T11:23:00.001-05:00

I think I’m going to cry. Ok probably not. But if I cried ever…I think I’d be crying right now. I’m not entirely sure why. Life has been wearing on my lately. The build up of discomfort is now catching up I suppose. I have much on my mind lately. I wish that I were at liberty to tell all on here. Although, this is partly a diary if you will, there are certain things I mustn’t discuss on the world wide web. I am an open minded & honest person, but for the discretion of the other “party” I fear I must keep my mouth closed. In the words of the famous film, Titanic, “a woman’s heart is an ocean full of secrets.” I guess I can understand that. I’ll just discuss the best I can given the circumstance & keep the rest…well…“a secret”.

Ok. Here goes. I’ll shoot as straight as possible.

I should never be a product of disrespect.
Ever ever ever.
Used for selfish disconnected relations.
The self-indulgent ways another.
Is never an excuse for me to also be self-indulgent.
Despite my insecurities and my lack of self control.
My determination to be accepted.
Loved.
I’m never not obligated to love another.
To be selfless.
My emotions/feelings.
Open up my life to new realms.
Yet.
These are not in control of me.
I deserve respect.
The love from someone.
Who is worthy of my love in return.
Who is one who will fight for me.
Be a refuge in my time of weakness.
Hold me through wearisome times.
With no intention of anything in return.
One who will let me rest my head on his chest.
Wipe away my tears when I cry.
What I do not need.
Is one who will walk out on me.
One who takes all that I can give.
And more.
And leaves me on the corner of the street.
In the pouring rain.
Alone.

This has been a tough lesson in my life. But a necessary one. I am still in process of understanding my self worth. Luckily, there is one Man who fits my descriptions. He shows me what love is. I push aside His words so many many many times. Yet, He loves. He fights for me.

This my friends.
Is love.

He brings Beauty from my pain.

My ugly, broken, tattered heart.
Bruised.
And beaten from within.
Broken.
Tired heart.

Is tied together with One who’s heart never grows weary.

november 12

2009-11-21T11:22:00.001-05:00

November. Oh how chilly you are! Although I must admit anything less than 75 degrees is frigid to me. I love the heat & for weeks now have been asking myself where summer went. Sadly it hasn’t really dipped below the 60’s yet. Oh my…what a winter I am in for. Although winter does have its perks. I will not pretend that it doesn’t.

As of tomorrow, it will be 2 weeks away from my beautiful Florida. A somewhat painful 2 weeks at times. Florida left me with many resolutions. Thank God for that. Yet, Florida always leaves me wanting more. I fear that I am having an affair. A full out affair. Yet I don’t care who knows it. I love Florida. Even if Florida may not be my best option. Nor the relationship that we have, the healthiest. But it’s simple really. It’s easy. It’s quick. The most probable word may be: tactful. And surprisingly, it’s the way I prefer it. No dilly dally. No run around. Straight forward. And to the point. But this often gets me into loads of trouble.

No. There were no hidden messages with a variety of interchangeable words that I am not at liberty to entirely speak freely about in that last paragraph. I have no idea what you’re talking about. Cough?

Aside from that, I have much to say. But as usual I’m tired seeing as the majority of my writing takes place during the wee hours of the night. I should work on that. I’ll do my best to fill in the blanks later. There is much on my heart.

Ciao.

november 2

2009-11-21T11:21:00.006-05:00

Rating: PG (language content)

Hello November. It’s me again. Back from florida. Back from ‘home’. What a wonderful time I had. I can’t even describe. Everything I wanted out of the trip I got. Between my best friends & I, we were never not at a party. A few nights ago, one of my besties & I were standing outside in her driveway as I said, “this entire week has been a kick ass party”. She laughed. Agreed. And I realized how much I miss my friends. 3 out of my 6 best friends currently live in florida. Can you believe that my life is so blessed I have literally 6 best friends? most people are lucky in their lives if they end up with a single best friend. and I have 6. :) unbelievable. I think I might have slept a total of 4 hours the whole trip & lost about 5 pounds, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I met some wonderful new friends. some that I will never ever forget. and caught up with some old ones. Put into full swing some relationships I had already begun that I had been hoping to accelerate. There can be nothing better than being with the ones you love. Questions that I had in my mind for years were answered. I need not to ever wonder “what if.” The refreshment I needed came. I am still facing many decisions, but I feel prepared to face life with confidence.

There were a lot of ‘firsts’ for me this week. For example. I am 22 years old. For the first time in my life I was stung by a bee a few days ago while enjoying the company of my friends over some starbucks. It hurt like hell. But well, its life. and sometimes it hurts. Many more memorable moments happened this week. A few tears were shed for the parting of my friends & I, but when I stop to think about my life…i could never change it. I would keep the heartache & the pain. It has only made me who I am today. I have no regret. I will love. Even if when I wake up, I am alone. Being there this week has however made me realize that I am never alone. Even when it seems as so. Goodbyes always pull at my heart, but one thing is for certain. I realize how many people I love. And that without them I would be nothing.

Love is a word that I hardly knew the meaning of. Now I am starting to understand.

My fears. My failures. Are nothing in comparison to Your Love.

Also for the first time in my life. I realize. How I am able to do anything. There are no limitations on my life. The only limitations I have are the ones I put on myself. I am strong. I am confident. I am independent. I am free. I can accomplish anything my heart want. I can become exactly who I want to be. By pushing forward. By never ever ever giving up.

You need me less than I need you. –the fray

october 15

2009-11-21T11:20:00.001-05:00

Life.

Life is full of decisions.
Questions.
Doubts.
Laughter.
Adventures.
Life is life.

My life is mine. The decisions I make in my life will affect my life in one way or another. With some bigger than others. As a recent college grad, you can imagine the decisions that I am facing. For some reason I never hear people in situations such as mine talk about their decisions. Perhaps that is because most people who graduate from college go directly to their vocation in which they were specifically trained for. But me, on the other hand, has about a million options. My field of study was so broad that I could do virtually anything. Doctor, teacher, researcher, vet…ect…you name it, I am probably qualified in one way or another. Biology was rough, but the reason I chose it was for the very reason that I knew the immense amount of choices I would have when I got out. Everyone who is not me seems to be envious of my options, but I on the other hand have a hard time seeing the benefits. Not so much that I have a hard time seeing the benefits, but my indecisiveness is detrimental to my decision making process. God. I just don’t even know what to do. I don’t know what I want. I mean I know. But I don’t. I don’t even make sense. I’m fully aware of that. I feel exhausted & have no reason to feel exhausted. I think it maybe is called mental exhaustion. I just have a lot on my mind.

I leave for Florida next Friday. In exactly a week. I’m so happy I could literally start crying. I might actually. I miss it beyond words. Although I must admit I’m slightly nervous about it. I don’t know what to expect. At the same time I’m trying not to get my hopes up that it will be a “certain” way, because I don’t want to be disappointed. Sheesh…am I cynical much?

Well whatever. I know things won’t be the same as when I left. The whole point of the trip honestly…is to have a little time to myself. To reflect. Sort out. Hopefully get a little revelation as to what I want to do next. To see my best friends whom I miss terribly. I just pray that I come back with a little glimpse as to where in the world my life is headed. I need some refreshment. Some clarity. So that I can think straight. Hopefully this trip will bring that. I have been looking forward to this trip ever since I left. Ever since I walked out that door, got in my car, looked in the rear view & cried for 8 hours straight.

I feel like I am just now starting to dream again. I feel like I had lost sight of my dreams for quite a while. Finally I am starting to envision my life into something greater.

Right now it is all about what path to take. I have many to choose from. All which lie in front of me. Do I take the job I was offered? Non related to my field of study as a temporary source of income living at home. Do I go back to school to get my masters? Therefore, loaning more money to go back to school & live but getting a higher education in the long run making it easier to pay off. And if so, at home or start somewhere else? Do I fulfill that lifelong dream of becoming a doctor?

Do I sell everything I have? Become a missionary?

Haha. I would like to lean towards the last one honestly.

It’s not like I am stuck with just one choice. At some point in my life they may all tie together. Perhaps not. Perhaps one season of life will be one thing & the next another. Recently I have wanted to be a writer. And a musician. Where in the heck. Mostly I think my problem is that I want to do everything. I want to experience everything. and go on every adventure life can throw at me. I’m young & unhindered. Can you blame me?

But in the meantime, while I am trying to decide which one to do first I am sitting on my rear at home. Not excited about that.

Maybe it’s time. Time for change. Time to grow up. To throw fear out the window. & just jump.

…now THAT’S a definite possibility.

september 27

2009-11-21T11:19:00.000-05:00

Here I am. Finding myself on the dear ol’ blogspot. And as usual somewhat unsure as what to say. All I know is that I want to say something. Without meaning to sound like a depressant….i feel so alone right now. Life has a funny way of changing things & this change has brought about a feeling of loneliness. I miss the things that were. I know, however that it is pointless to reminisce on the past because the past has come & gone. never to return again. I did take a little trip down memory lane for a while tonight. Not sure entirely what brought it about. Perhaps it was listening to “the song” that “he” gave to me oh so very long ago. The only boy I’ve ever loved. Or at least I think I loved. But what do I know of love? We were so young. Those so far have been the best days. I remember being incandescently happy. Laughing constantly. That’s all. I miss that feeling. I miss feeling safe. Happy. Vulnerable. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be like that again. I remember not being able to breathe when I saw him & never wanting to leave his arms. This phase in my life was short lived. Shorter than I wanted to see it. he was there & in a glimpse gone. I have never been so open, so free & so strong in my entire life. I hope love one day finds its way back to me. I miss everything about it. except of course the ending. In which I cried myself to sleep every night for about 6 months. Well you know how the story goes. Not a day went by where I didn’t think of him. Then weeks would go by. Then months. To virtually never now. Except for days like today. I miss my best friend. and the hardest part is not being able to tell him. Times have changed. We have changed. Moving on is all we have left with a memory that is slowly fading from my mind.

There you have it friends. I feel like I now have no friends…but whatever. At least not many real friends. and the only real friends I have live currently 8 hours away from me. I never get to see them. Sad. BUT…I will get to in 3 weeks because I’m going down. Thank God. I am trying not to have any expectations for florida. When I get there, I’m gonna try to take it easy. Not worry too much about who’s where & who’s doing what…but instead simply just being. Letting whatever happens happen. This will be difficult. Apparently I think my fate is in my hands & I suppose most of the time it is. But at the same time…sometimes I just have to be & let life happen. And hopefully this time I won’t cry nearly as much as I did last time when I left. That was embarrassing. Haha. But I do miss it. I miss continual friendship & encouragement. I miss parties. I miss life.

Ochem is over. I passed. Praise Him. Now the time has officially come. The next phase in life. I am scared to death. What do I want? What do I do? I have no idea. I’ve never felt so lost in all my life. Only time will tell I suppose.

Time.
Something that I never want to wish away.
Something that I never want to kill.
Because we have so little of it.
Time is all we’ve got.

I’ve been wondering all day what I would do if I wasn’t so afraid. I’ve put so many limitations on myself. It’s time. Time to let go. Time to change. Time to move on. Maybe will be difficult but that’s life. and it’s beautiful.

Goodnight lovers.

september 20

2009-11-21T11:15:00.000-05:00

Is it really September 20th? I am in complete denial…with Christmas just around the corner & fall on its way. crazy. I love summer, but as with everything…life brings around change. Leaves changing colors. Cooler weather. As much as I despise cold weather, it will be nice to finally bundle up in warm blankets & sip on hot tea I suppose. It’s thundering right now as I type this. I’m a huge fan of thunderstorms. Only at night though. And I love falling asleep to the sound of rain. What I would love even more is a tin roof. Speaking of changes. Thursday I take my final exam. I thought the day would never come. Now the majority of my time has been spent thinking about & studying for the test that I have to make a 56 on in order to pass. Sounds easy enough right? Yeah well…it’s harder than you might think. But I will not give up. I will never give up. When it is finished what a relief that will be! I can’t even describe.

To fill you in on other things…last week was virtually hell. Just be glad I didn’t blog on last week. After the week was over, I felt indescribably unlady like & finally broke down. I’m now not afraid to admit that I do in fact need a swear jar. I used to be so good about that…now…not so much. Ok maybe I’m not that bad. I just need it in angry situations. I’m just very glad that a new week has arrived. Another chance to get things right. To start over new. Thank God for new beginnings.

I really don’t have a lot to say at the moment. I’m ready to take a deep breath on Thursday for the first time in 10 weeks. Maybe give myself a little time to pull myself back together. Sort things out. Life has been really crazy, confusing & stressful lately. I know that I need some time in order to make some important life decisions. Decision making is definitely not one of my most favorite things, but I know that it must be done. I never want to not be moving forward.

My mind has been a little cloudy & my heart a little bruised & tattered. But with all things…I am sure I will sort things out with time. The journey through the wilderness alone hasn’t been easy by any means, but I am certain I will make it out.

florida

2009-10-26T11:56:00.001-04:00

here i am. home. florida. friends. sun. i love this. i love life.

jesus keeps whispering that He loves me in my ear.
he keeps showing me through the lives of my friends (i.e.family) here that he loves me.
it is a good feeling resting in the peace of Jesus.

dreams

2009-10-10T22:43:00.004-04:00

i have been dreaming more clearly now than i have in quite a while. it feels good. my heart is starting to reinvent & return to the purity i once obtained. i don't know what life holds for me. i don't know what my next move will be. however...i feel confident of my calling. (isaiah 41) this keeps echoing in my heart. i will change the world. make a difference in my own surroundings. and those outside of it. i will start a revolution. continue dreaming. because a visionary...that is what i am. and what i will always be. but dreams are useless without action. we must learn to be...i must learn to be a person of action. that is my next move.

gratitude

2009-09-23T17:15:00.000-04:00

I am so thankful to have a family & friends that believe in me even when I don't believe in myself.

8.30

2009-09-03T20:17:00.000-04:00

Blogging…is like my psychologist. So is running. Both are cheaper than paying someone to tell me what I already know. So I forfeit & go with the flow. It’s 12:30 am. It doesn’t feel like it. I feel like I could go out dancing. I’ve felt pretty good lately. Sleeping ridiculously well (maybe even a little too much). and exercising religiously…daily. Physically i’m feeling excellent. Definitely a good feeling. That’s not something that everyone can say, so I feel wonderful to be healthy & young. mentally? Uh…ok. you know I can’t say excellent, but I’m surviving. Ochem definitely puts a strain on my mental state. Although I have figured out that I have only 4 weeks of the torture left. I keep staring at my calendar thinking maybe the days will go by faster if I do that. Ironically I got a job offer yesterday. The company is supposed to follow up with me at some point this week, so we’ll see what happens. Kinda crazy. it seems to me that it is “all about who you know”. Anyway I already occasionally work for this guy, but this would actually be for his company which I am quite certain he owns due to the million dollar home that he has, that I also nanny in. anyways, we will see. i really don’t have anything else to say at the moment. Kind of a boring post & for that I must apologize. But life has its ups. It’s downs. It’s in betweens. I guess we could just call this the in-between. I think that most of the time life is in the in-between. What do you think?

.cheers.

august 23

2009-08-28T12:07:00.002-04:00

Here we are once again. you & I together. My writing has virtually ceased to exist since the beginning of my organic chem adventures. Part one is completed. Now on to part two. 5 more weeks. Bring on the pain. I feel as though it will never end. Although part of me is a little scared for it to be over with another huge change staring right in my face. what path will I take? That question I can’t answer which makes me rather anxious.

I am so looking forward to October. I am certain of that. I am going back to florida in October to visit my friends, “family”, my home for the past 3 years. It has felt weird not returning there this year. I miss it so almost to the point of homesickness at times. I can’t however say whether I would be happy there or not. My heart somewhat aches for that, yet in my heart, I know that things will never be the same again. My insatiability has been driving me crazy lately. sometimes I wonder if I will fully be happy anywhere. I have been wanting so badly lately to find my “niche”. To find that one place of rest. Peace. To find the place where I truly feel needed. The place that feels like home. Comfort.

What will the next year bring? Will my clouded mind & my fear keep me from dreaming? From following my heart? or will I surpass all of these things to chase after the only Thing that matters? Will I learn to trust in the One bigger than myself? Will I find my place?

Will this time of climbing up this mountain alone turn into a long slow unforgettable satisfying walk home with my hand in the hand of another? These are questions I ask myself. The latter I have been asking myself most lately. Being disappointed one after another leaves a little sting (ok big)…but it only points me one step closer to “you”.

my guarded heart & nervous hands would make it hard for anyone to reach me. gentle persistence & patience may be the only remedy. I keep waiting but he never comes to save me. what I had in my hands left me settling. My heart knew it and nothing has ever felt so comfortable in all of my life. giving up the simple dream of him is difficult enough in itself. Saying goodbye has never been my strong suit.

But love is love. What is here is here & what is not is not, making the nonexistent seem like a fairy tale. And the tangible…the only option.

Cheers.

“ive got a perfectly normal heart. bruised & broken from within. At times I don’t know where to start to let you in here.” –Copeland

sleep

2009-08-08T06:44:00.001-04:00

Sleeping is one of my most favorite things in the entire world. Studies have shown that we sleep 1/3 of our lives. I am convinced that I will probably have slept 2/3 of my life away. I'm virtually a dead beat if I don't get at least 9-10 hours a night. I wish I was sleeping right now...